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Mom's Date to Baby's First B-day Party?

saintpaulJesssaintpaulJess member
in October 2015 Moms

My parents got divorced a few months ago.  My mom started online dating right away and has been seeing a particular man for about two months.

My youngest is turning 1 in July and we are having a birthday party, just as we did with my older daughter last year, using the exact same guest list despite the divorce.  There is no way I'm doing two separate parties, and my mom and dad are both planning on attending and understand who is invited.

I've met my mom's "friend" a couple times and have been very nice and friendly to him, and am glad my mom is happy and dating.  I told her privately, though, that he wasn't invited to my daughter's first birthday party next month and she seemed surprised and a little annoyed.  This divorce is fresh and painful for all involved, including my younger siblings, who haven't yet met my mom's friend.  And I'd like to celebrate my daughter's first birthday without the anxiety/drama/tension of everyone (including my dad) meeting the new man in my mom's life for the first time.

Is this reasonable or am I being selfish?  I don't otherwise care where she goes or what she does with him, but I don't want a special, celebratory event in my home to be the means by which he is introduced to my siblings and father.

Ugh.  I'm 37 years old, but part of me feels like I'm 13.

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Re: Mom's Date to Baby's First B-day Party?

  • SweetnSassy23SweetnSassy23 member

    This is a hard situation. Divorce is hard no matter how old you are. I do feel that you're being a bit rude in telling your mother who she can/cannot bring to the bday party.  Would you say the same if they had been dating for a longer time or if your father wanted to bring a date?

    If your siblings have a problem with the new man, then that is their problem and they need to be adult about the situation. It is a party for your LO and I agree that there should be no drama.  How many times have we all gone to an event knowing someone who annoys us will be there?  Hopefully everyone can be polite and cordial, and focus on your daughter's special day. Good luck!

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  • saintpaulJesssaintpaulJess member
    @SweetnSassy, thanks for your input and comments.  I guess if we were further along from the divorce, say 6 months or a year, I would probably feel differently.  It's just all so fresh for everyone involved.  If my dad wanted to bring a date, I would tell him the same thing.
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  • midge519midge519 member
    I think as long as Dad isn't allowed to bring a date either it is fine. Explain that you are only doing this restriction for this event and otherwise wouldn't mind him around. But be ready to stand your ground if she fights back
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  • SweetnSassy23SweetnSassy23 member
    saintpaulJess said:
    @SweetnSassy, thanks for your input and comments.  I guess if we were further along from the divorce, say 6 months or a year, I would probably feel differently.  It's just all so fresh for everyone involved.  If my dad wanted to bring a date, I would tell him the same thing.

    I understand and I'm sorry this is causing you stress.  I guess I just don't feel we have the right to tell other people what to do (although you do get to make the rules for your house).  I tried to put myself in your mom's shoes.  Lord help my children on the day they think they can tell me what I can/can't do.  She's an adult and it's obvious you love and respect her.  I don't think she's trying to create trouble, she's simply in a new relationship. Ten years down the road if they're still together will you feel bad that he missed LO's special day?  Of course if the relationship ends after a short amount of time, then you wouldn't have regrets. There's no clear right answer.

    Perhaps this is an opportunity for her to introduce the new man to the siblings before the party.

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  • bbiutmcphbbiutmcph member
    edited June 2015
    If the party isn't until July and she seems to really like the guy and you agree he's nice, why can't they (meaning your siblings) meet him prior?  Your father can be told about the date coming prior and honestly he probably knows she is dating right?

    I can understand divorce is hard but also in my experiences with blended families, it's not any better to pretend all is the same and avoid introducing new people or keeping those things separate.  Casual dates usually aren't a go but someone that they have been dating a few months doesn't seem terrible and obviously you can't avoid it forever as both your parents deserve to be happy. 

    Rather than considering him her "friend" think about how happy he makes mom.  


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  • morganabyrdmorganabyrd member
    I support your decision to ask her not to bring her boyfriend and think you are reasonable in telling her that. The first family event with significant others is going to be awkward, especially if everyone (younger siblings) haven't already met the SO. I wouldn't want that at my baby's 1st bday party, either. What if you ask you mom if she and her SO wanted to go to dinner one night, or have them over for dinner? You just don't want your mom to feel that it's a shot at her, so including SO in something else together may help.

    I know divorce sucks, I'm sorry. Parents dating is strange territory and hard to navigate, especially when different siblings/kids view it differently. At the end of the day you just have to do what is best for your family, and make sure your parents know you love them.
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  • saintpaulJesssaintpaulJess member

    @bbiutmcph, I appreciate your comments about blended and making things work.  Just wanted to clarify that I didn't quote "friend" in a derogatory way.  I've been super supportive of my mom dating and I've been one of the only people she can talk to about it, which she's told me really means a lot to her.  After almost 40 years of putting her children and her husband first, I'm incredibly happy that she is dating and has met someone that makes her happy.

    Also, to clarify, baby's birthday is July 3rd, but the party is the Sunday before, and mom is coming from out of town, so there wouldn't really be a chance for siblings to meet him before the event.

    I really appreciate all the viewpoints being expressed here.  While I've been divorced myself and can relate to a lot of what my mom is going through, I've never been the child of divorced parents before, and it's much harder to make that leap.

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  • VioletandRoseVioletandRose member
    I'm going through a similar situation at the moment. My parents went through a very bitter divorce and haven't spoken to or seen each other in almost 3 years. My dad is remarried and my mom has never met his new wife. Now, suddenly, I'm pregnant, which is forcing them to all be together. Right now I'm dealing with the shower, which is being thrown by my SILs, and my mom AND stepmom want to go. It will be the first time they've seen each other, ever. I have so much anxiety about this, and so do they, but they feel it's the right thing to do (for me).

    With that said, I have a different opinion than most on the matter. If it makes your mom feel more comfortable to be there with her new boyfriend, I say let her bring him. It's tense and awkward for everyone; put yourself in their shoes. Everyone around me keeps telling me, let them figure it out themselves, they are adults. And they're right. Your parents made the decision to divorce and knew that by doing so, it would create situations like the one they are in now for the birthday party. They are both going to have to come to terms with and accept the fact that one or both may have a significant other. As long as it's someone they are in a relationship with and not a casual date, I think it would be rude to ask your mom not to bring her boyfriend.
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  • SweetnSassy23SweetnSassy23 member
    I can see how it feels impossible to find a solution in this situation.  Would it be possible for the friend to stop by as the party is winding down?  He could visit for a half hour to hour, have some cake, meet the siblings after the party.
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  • nbpa3027nbpa3027 member
    The thing that I see as the issue is that the birthday party is not the place for your siblings to be meeting this guy for the first time. I feel like that definitely could cause some very unnecessary drama and draw focus away from the birthday.

    Bottom line, your party, your call and all of the adults involved need to actually be adults about the situation and remember that the birthday party is about your child.

    If she is going to bring the guy, I think that it would probably be a good idea to give your dad and siblings a heads up so they aren't shocked when they get there and meet him.
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  • gogracegograce member
    As a child of separation as a teen and divorce as an adult, I understand where you're coming from.
    I feel like your child's first birthday party is an inappropriate place for the whole family to meet this new man in your mother's life for the first time.
    Did you talk to her about why you'd prefer for her to not bring him? Or did you just say "Hey, Mom, I'm uncomfortable with your boyfriend coming to the party."? Maybe if you explain to her, she'll understand. Explain it would be better for all of your siblings and maybe even your father to meet him during a sit down dinner (that's how I met my in-laws, how I met my step-dad and his children, etc.) or something of the sort rather than a big family gathering where the new boyfriend isn't the man of the hour.
    The whole point in the first meeting is to get to know someone. The birthday party is meant to be about your child, not about your family getting to know this guy. I think a separate even should be arranged so your family members can focus on getting to know him before he dives into coming to family functions.
    Hope it goes well for you!
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  • ulmer98ulmer98 member
    I completely understand where you are coming from! As long as you told her in a kind way that he wasn't invited, I don't think you're being rude. All you're doing is preventing drama. My parents have been divorced for years, but since my mother is with the guy she cheated on my dad with, this is how all of our events are handled. My mother doesn't bring him out of respect, I honestly never had to ask her not to bring him.
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  • Krysta6Krysta6 member
    I agree with the majority and think you are ok to not invite your moms boyfriend. I think it's perfectly acceptable to say who is invited to what events. This is about a birthday not get to know your moms new man. As a child of divorce I believe that we also have the right to tell our parents what we are comfortable with. It's a huge change and sounds like this may be the first family gathering since the divorce. I would just explain that you look forward to celebrating other events with her and her boyfriend but you think this one event will be best if she attended alone. It's not like she's been with the man for a long time!
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  • Sbrouwer0706Sbrouwer0706 member
    I don't think it is rude to ask your mom to not bring her boyfriend. Especially since the divorce was so recent. I was also an adult when my parents divorced and it can be a very difficult place to be in. My father remarried very soon after the divorce and it was very difficult on my mother as well as the rest of the family, even the extended family. 

    I would maybe suggest a small meeting while your mom is in town with your siblings who have never met her boyfriend. It might be less uncomfortable that way for everyone involved. Depending on if it was an amicable divorce or not is also a factor. If your Dad is hurt, I don't know how it would be to have such a recent boyfriend around him. Sometimes people need time before they can become comfortable with such a life-altering change. 
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  • Sweet Sadie MaeSweet Sadie Mae member
    I think I'd let her bring her date as long as everyone can act civilized. My parents are divorced and both are remarried. They get along if they have to but the tension between my mom and dad is so hard to deal with at my daughters events. Divorce just sucks and trying toake everyone happy is hard. Good luck with whatever you choose!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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  • LLynde5LLynde5 member
    I don't know you and your mom relationship but I think it's kinda rude to assume she can bring a date. I plan a lot of large events and randomly get asked if people can invite other people. It put the host in an awkward position no matter what the event. I have told people no and I feel bad but I set the guest list the way I wanted it. Lastly it a birthday party not a wedding where a plus one would be appropriate. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh but I believe all of the focus needs to be on the birthday!!
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  • Wigglesx2Wigglesx2 member
    Some people want to say your siblings need to just accept it and grow up but your parents should also be considerate that a birthday party is NOT the place to introduce a new boy/girlfriend. They are not the children. They are the parents and yes they made an adult decision to move on with their lives but considering the event is fresh they should be considerate of their children as well.

    But that's me. Acceptance doesn't happen over night and sometimes people need to bend.
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  • xlipservicexxlipservicex member
    I think not inviting him seems reasonable. I can understand your mom's perspective but she should try and understand yours too. I'd sit down with her and explain its not fair to your siblings or father that this would be the first time everyone meets. It's not the time or the place for that.
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  • nianicho777nianicho777 member
    I think your request is more than reasonable. If the meet and greet is too awkward or goes badly it could ruin your daughters party. If your family hasn't met the guy yet, I'm not sure why she would be surprised or annoyed that he wouldn't be invited.
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  • SrhbgrSrhbgr member
    You mentioned that people are traveling in. If this is more than a day trip (everyone is staying in a hotel overnight) you could suggest to your mom that the next morning may be a good time for a family brunch so that everyone can get to know her guy before you are all thrown together with baby's arrival in the fall.
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