Hosting your own baby shower, gender reveal party or gender reveal shower!

BritDillinger · June 2015

Edited to revise wording and to be clearer on the topic and goodness gracious, this is not about me. Please stop projecting. Can we, as a community, please have a discussion without imposing your own assumptions that this about me? Not everyone passively makes topics that have something to do with themselves. Is this forum completely incapable of having a discussion about anything pregnancy or family related at all?

Onto the revisions:

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Would someone mind please explain to me the stigma behind a baby shower being hosted by the parents or parents-to-be? I have seen many topics or forum titles on the subject stating that these situations are considered tacky, distasteful, selfish and self-absorbed. Many go on to state that the reason behind this is because of the title “shower”, as if stating that the whole point of the shower is to “shower” the parents with gifts. Others say that it is an honor for someone else to host it for you and if you happen to host it yourself then it’s pretty much a party for yourself.

This seems ridiculous to me and holds many logical fallacies.

A shower, or any party of any name, can have the option of a gift but at no point is someone required to bring anything. Otherwise, if we think about a baby shower (gender reveal, et cetera) as an incredibly early birthday party, have anyone ever been kicked out of a birthday party for not bringing a gift or denied entrance to a party? And bringing up the birthday party bit, it truly is a birthday party if one really thinks about it – it’s a time to get together with friends and family in excitement for the arrival of a new addition to the family! One doesn’t scorn a parent for hosting their own child’s birthday party or having a gift option, so why a shower or party of any other name?

On the point of hosting it yourself as opposed to someone else hosting one for you presupposes the notion that someone would want to – or you having expectations of someone dropping what they had going on to host a party for you. Do I scoff at people for enjoying the idea of others hosting a party for a friend or family? Of course not. Do I scoff at someone hosting their own deal? Nope. A party is a party is a party. Either can have food, either can have cake, either can have games or activities and either can have the option of gifts!

The reason I am asking this is not to validate my own reasoning for hosting my own get together with family and friends. I already know a lot of my family want to come and I am not going to cry if some do not want to attend. Rick and I are super excited to reveal the sex of the baby at the time of the party – it will even be a surprise to us! Our friends and family are delighted in the event and have no crosses about it.

I ask because of the pregnancy forums (not this one specifically) that I frequent and have noticed so much scorn and mistreatment to parents or parents-to-be hosting their own showers/parties for one reason or another. It’s such an odd thing for me to see and I don’t understand. Is it old traditions that hold people to this state of mind?

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Update on second page with my findings:

I find it interesting that when I posted this same post on my Facebook wall and on a site that I frequent that does not specifically surround pregnancy or parenting that I was met with a lot of confusion. It seems people who have never had a child, people who attend showers/parties, or even other parents were not aware of this etiquette that so many of you speak of and the majority of them could care less one way or another who is hosting the party as if there is a gift option then the registry was made by the parents to begin with. The name behind the party host held no meaning to any of them.

From what I have seen here, on other pregnancy websites and then compared to websites with the majority not being pregnant or parents, it seems this etiquette and these rules over what name to use and how they must function seem exclusive to these rings of pregnant websites. Other folks could honestly care less over what the name is, who is hosting and will attend one way or another if there is food, possibility of games and to have fun with the welcoming of a new baby. More than half of the non-pregnant/parent individuals who participated in my discussion admitted that they have gone to showers without even knowing it was supposed to be a first-child exclusive thing.

Everyone will have their own opinions, of course, but it seems a lot of these rules and the stigma surrounding it is stuck in the mindset of many of you here - and on other pregnancy websites like BabyCenter. So many of you specifically said "rolling the eyes" at the thought or held assumptions that people should expect that. A handful of the people who participated in my discussion held their own opinions that many of you were faced with this stigma, bullying mentality and wish to continue passing it on versus being happy for the individual.

So, really, I guess the conclusion is:

The majority of people who seem to care the most and wishing to project their own feelings into the matter are other pregnant women or those expecting entirely. Those who attend these functions, either childless or otherwise, do not seem to care otherwise.

cawalp · June 2015

The reasoning I've heard behind people saying it is selfish is that it seems like the parents just want gifts. I think people are way too sensitive because everybody is going to bring a gift no matter who throws it. The gender/shower is a perfect idea for getting family together and celebrating for your new little miracle! And obviously your family is excited so nobody else's opinion matters. This is about you and your little baby and your family celebrating!

ChrissyD1203 · June 2015

There was a related topic and the issue of hosting came up. I think the consensus of those against it was - you don't deserve a party and if someone wants to give it to you it is an honor ... And people might not care bit will feel forced to come .... And it looks like you are asking for gifts. I dont agree with this, but these were the reasons. I am not throwing my own shower but I am hosting a gender reveal brunch for my and my husbands families with a strict no gifts policy.

BritDillinger · June 2015

ChrissyD1203 said:

There was a related topic and the issue of hosting came up. I think the consensus of those against it was - you don't deserve a party and if someone wants to give it to you it is an honor ... And people might not care bit will feel forced to come .... And it looks like you are asking for gifts. I dont agree with this, but these were the reasons. I am not throwing my own shower but I am hosting a gender reveal brunch for my and my husbands families with a strict no gifts policy.

This presupposes the notion that those around you know a thing about hosting a party, want to go about doing one, or have the finances to do it.

The primary purpose of a party, shower or otherwise, should be to go enjoy the company of friends, family and have excitement for the new arrival. It is the notion that you – and many others – put the topic of presents/gifts above all. The option of bringing a gift is an option, of course, but is not required. It’s not required to a baby shower, after all.

Or better yet, consider the shower (party of any name) as an early birthday party. Is a present the entrance fee to a child’s birthday? Have you ever been kicked out of a birthday party for not bringing one? Do you feel a stigma for parents hosting a child’s birthday and having an option for presents?

If not then please explain the difference.

cawalp said:

The reasoning I've heard behind people saying it is selfish is that it seems like the parents just want gifts. I think people are way too sensitive because everybody is going to bring a gift no matter who throws it. The gender/shower is a perfect idea for getting family together and celebrating for your new little miracle! And obviously your family is excited so nobody else's opinion matters. This is about you and your little baby and your family celebrating!

People are so silly!

robomama · June 2015

Its your Party, have fun with it. If your friends get bent out of shape by it, then maybe they aren't such great friends anyway. We are doing a gender reveal party because we enjoy having parties, and we are all finding out together at the party, myself included. This is my third, and one of my children will be upset if they aren't getting what they want (I have a boy and girl and both want the baby to be their gender). What better way than to have all of us witness one child throw a fit;)

BritDillinger · June 2015

robomama said:

Its your Party, have fun with it. If your friends get bent out of shape by it, then maybe they aren't such great friends anyway. We are doing a gender reveal party because we enjoy having parties, and we are all finding out together at the party, myself included. This is my third, and one of my children will be upset if they aren't getting what they want (I have a boy and girl and both want the baby to be their gender). What better way than to have all of us witness one child throw a fit;)

I have two boys. One wants a little sister and the other wants a little brother, haha! The sex of the baby will be a surprise to us, too. We’re having the person giving the ultrasound write it down on piece of paper and to stick it in an envelope. From there we are going to a bakery that is going to do the baking for us. We are having some filled cupcakes and a sheet cake! The frosting will alternate between browns, pinks and blues. The filling in the cupcakes and the innards of the cake itself will be the revealing color!

Have fun with your party! Haha, I definitely look forward to seeing the looks on my kid’s faces, too.

ChrissyD1203 · June 2015

@brittdillinger I'm not looking to argue with you. You asked what the reasons were and I told you what I have heard people say, as I mentioned, I don't agree with them.

BritDillinger · June 2015

ChrissyD1203 said:

@brittdillinger I'm not looking to argue with you. You asked what the reasons were and I told you what I have heard people say, as I mentioned, I don't agree with them.

Wasn’t intending an argument. I like a discussion. In my reading without my glasses, I misread that part. My mistake! People’s assumptions can be very ridiculous on the matter.

Mamabeagle · June 2015

A "shower" is for gifts. You are throwing a party for yourself in which the entire point is to receive gifts. Even if you say no gifts, people will feel obliged.

Large gender reveals are very AW. I am excited to learn what my cousin is having, but I don't think a 4 hour party is necessary. Dinner or a bbq with grandparents or a handful of friends is extremely different.

Do whatever you're going to do since I'm sure no one will change your mind, but don't get offended if people tell you the reason behind this, especially since you explicitly asked. It's poor etiquette, and it doesn't change. The point is that it's timeless.

Whatever you do, whether someone hosts it for you or not, please just remember to at least send written thank you notes...

BritDillinger · June 2015

Mamabeagle said:

A "shower" is for gifts. You are throwing a party for yourself in which the entire point is to receive gifts. Even if you say no gifts, people will feel obliged. Large gender reveals are very AW. I am excited to learn what my cousin is having, but I don't think a 4 hour party is necessary. Dinner or a bbq with grandparents or a handful of friends is extremely different. Do whatever you're going to do since I'm sure no one will change your mind, but don't get offended if people tell you the reason behind this, especially since you explicitly asked. It's poor etiquette, and it doesn't change. The point is that it's timeless. Whatever you do, whether someone hosts it for you or not, please just remember to at least send written thank you notes...

I will just copy/paste what I sent to someone else as this was a general question about all of it. You're right, I am personally going to do it no matter what, but I'm asking for the general purpose and stigma everyone has on the issue:

"This presupposes the notion that those around you know a thing about hosting a party, want to go about doing one, or have the finances to do it.

The primary purpose of a party, shower or otherwise, should be to go enjoy the company of friends, family and have excitement for the new arrival. It is the notion that you – and many others – put the topic of presents/gifts above all. The option of bringing a gift is an option, of course, but is not required. It’s not required to a baby shower, after all.

Or better yet, consider the shower (party of any name) as an early birthday party. Is a present the entrance fee to a child’s birthday? Have you ever been kicked out of a birthday party for not bringing one? Do you feel a stigma for parents hosting a child’s birthday and having an option for presents?

If not then please explain the difference."

HiImBrit · June 2015

I would call it anything but a "shower" , as stated before, a Shower (etiquette - wise) means to shower one with gifts. It is perfectly fine to host a party yourself. I believe my hubby and I will be doing a Gender reveal BBQ for this one (our 2nd).

Most people (especially older generations) are hard wired to bring a gift for a Shower; I would just suggest NOT calling it a shower so some of the etiquette lovers in your family/friends (you always have a few) will not have anything to gripe about

Yay for parties!

Mommyduclos · June 2015

I agree with the above posters- a shower is specifically for gifts so it just seems tacky to throw one for yourself- especially for your third child (if I'm understanding correctly) a lot of people will tell you showers are only for first babies too- though I think are more accepted for opposite genders or widely spaced children. Anyways- I think hosting a gender reveal party would be perfect for you. You can celebrate your new little one with much less of a bring me gifts stigma- and if people do choose to bring you a little something fantastic. I think throwing your own gender reveal party is totally acceptable but throwing your own "gender reveal shower" may not be the best wording.

TinyDancer51510 · June 2015

People get so weird about gifts/money. It's obnoxious. It's only a thing if people make it a thing.

I personally think it's fine to do a gender reveal party yourself. I mean, adults throw their own birthday parties. It's not about the gifts. It's about celebrating and having fun and not everyone has people in their life who could afford to or would think to throw a party. I say do what you want and just decide not to care what people say/think about it. I'd also have a response ready in case someone says something to your face.

BritDillinger · June 2015

Mommyduclos said:

I agree with the above posters- a shower is specifically for gifts so it just seems tacky to throw one for yourself- especially for your third child (if I'm understanding correctly) a lot of people will tell you showers are only for first babies too- though I think are more accepted for opposite genders or widely spaced children. Anyways- I think hosting a gender reveal party would be perfect for you. You can celebrate your new little one with much less of a bring me gifts stigma- and if people do choose to bring you a little something fantastic. I think throwing your own gender reveal party is totally acceptable but throwing your own "gender reveal shower" may not be the best wording.

See, this is what I do not understand. Simply because the child is my third makes them any less deserving to have a shower as opposed to the first? With any party of any name, why does the option of a gift suddenly make it tacky and distasteful? Is it because that they are the third child that that must mean I have everything for them anyway? What if I were to say that in the divorce with my first husband, he took everything from me, burnt and trashed everything that belonged to our two sons out of scorn, and ran off with everything to leave me with nothing? All of that is true, but would that suddenly change the idea of a shower (which I only say "shower" because that's the only name I have ever heard in my life growing up, not understanding the implications behind the supposedly innocent name) easier to handle?

I never stated one way or another in my original post if there was to be a gift option or not.

And again, whatever the name may be, the expectation of any parent who hosts a get together for their baby-to-be should not be the gifts in mind but the experience with the family. For everyone assuming it is the parent (or parents) being greedy and tacky then shouldn't you be looking at yourselves and thinking perhaps that is what you would want or feel? Or is this just presumptions getting the better of everyone involved?

A party is a part is a party no matter what special title is involved.

I guess this is all just so mind boggling to me, haha. That the idea of one little title and one little option can suddenly turn something innocent and fun into something self-absorbed and selfish. Doesn't that just seem silly?

MssyMmmy · June 2015

I don't think it's selfish at all. People want to bring you gifts and that is why they attend. They don't have to go otherwise. I wouldn't even notice if I had a guest not bring a gift. I've hosted 3 wedding showers and a baby shower and each one spent a couple hundred dollars on food decorations rental of a venue etc. I think in hosting a party yourself you are in control over what gets spent, who gets invited and you are saving your best friend, sister or cousin a lot of money in the long run.

lwebley · June 2015

I think you should have fun with it! I don't think it's selfish at all. I do hower think you should wait to find out the gender with everyone else if you are doing a gender reveal party.

Mamabeagle · June 2015

BritDillinger said:

Mommyduclos said:

I agree with the above posters- a shower is specifically for gifts so it just seems tacky to throw one for yourself- especially for your third child (if I'm understanding correctly) a lot of people will tell you showers are only for first babies too- though I think are more accepted for opposite genders or widely spaced children. Anyways- I think hosting a gender reveal party would be perfect for you. You can celebrate your new little one with much less of a bring me gifts stigma- and if people do choose to bring you a little something fantastic. I think throwing your own gender reveal party is totally acceptable but throwing your own "gender reveal shower" may not be the best wording.

See, this is what I do not understand. Simply because the child is my third makes them any less deserving to have a shower as opposed to the first? With any party of any name, why does the option of a gift suddenly make it tacky and distasteful? Is it because that they are the third child that that must mean I have everything for them anyway? What if I were to say that in the divorce with my first husband, he took everything from me, burnt and trashed everything that belonged to our two sons out of scorn, and ran off with everything to leave me with nothing? All of that is true, but would that suddenly change the idea of a shower (which I only say "shower" because that's the only name I have ever heard in my life growing up, not understanding the implications behind the supposedly innocent name) easier to handle?

I never stated one way or another in my original post if there was to be a gift option or not.

And again, whatever the name may be, the expectation of any parent who hosts a get together for their baby-to-be should not be the gifts in mind but the experience with the family. For everyone assuming it is the parent (or parents) being greedy and tacky then shouldn't you be looking at yourselves and thinking perhaps that is what you would want or feel? Or is this just presumptions getting the better of everyone involved?

A party is a part is a party no matter what special title is involved.

I guess this is all just so mind boggling to me, haha. That the idea of one little title and one little option can suddenly turn something innocent and fun into something self-absorbed and selfish. Doesn't that just seem silly?

Now you're just arguing about etiquette which you can't win. If you would like to ignore it, ignore it. But don't try to over turn it because you never will. Just do you. Are you trying to convince yourself it's okay or something?

BritDillinger · June 2015

Mamabeagle said: Now you're just arguing about etiquette which you can't win. If you would like to ignore it, ignore it. But don't try to over turn it because you never will. Just do you. Are you trying to convince yourself it's okay or something?

I am not asking to convince myself or to validate my own reasoning, I ask because it seems silly that one word ( "shower" ) or option suddenly turns the whole thing from a fun get-together to a selfish plan? Is the wording of the whole situation really what is important on the whole matter? From parents to parents-to-be almost turning on one another about it is what seems sad. I've seen so many hurtful things from past comments during my previous pregnancies.

And honestly, I think the stigma will one day lift away from the word as generations will change the concept as it does with everything else.

BritDillinger · June 2015

lwebley said:

I think you should have fun with it! I don't think it's selfish at all. I do hower think you should wait to find out the gender with everyone else if you are doing a gender reveal party.

That's the plan. We are having the individual doing the ultrasound write it down, put it in an envelope and then take it to the bakery to have the goodies baked. It will be a reveal to us as well, haha!

bananers · June 2015

I'll just say, if you have to defend yourself this hard, there's a reason for that. And you'll get a lot of eye rolls when you send out the invites. But you do you.

BritDillinger · June 2015

bananers said:

I'll just say, if you have to defend yourself this hard, there's a reason for that. And you'll get a lot of eye rolls when you send out the invites. But you do you.

Again, as I have stated several times throughout this thread, this is not to validate my own decisions but my puzzled mind over how this bullying stigma has originated and continues to perpetuate throughout pregnancy forums across the web. From my own experience, my friends and family are just as puzzled by this behavior. So I am asking pregnancy forums across the Internet that I visit these very questions to get a general idea other than a blunt - it's tacky.

Why is it tacky? What is the significance of a name or choice that changes the event from happy and unified to selfish and self-absorbed?

If you, and others, can get beyond the fact that I am pregnant and that this has no way in any influence to my decision on my actions, then we can get down to the discussion at hand. But it seems people like to impose the possibility that this is a passive thread about myself, which is incorrect.

So, back to the matter and if you would address the questions in the original post then we can get on with the discussion.

I'm thinking of changing my stance and might as well ask non-pregnant folk their opinions, but then I'd be asking an audience that is not currently in the moment (but I may do so anyway because it'd bring about a wider range of answers and opinions). However, it seems asking in pregnancy forums where people are unwillingly manipulated by their own emotions and project them onto others then this might not get far. Hmm . . .

BritDillinger · June 2015

I am really, sadly, beginning to think that this place is incapable of having a discussion. I'm almost expecting the "boo-hoo, you're just butthurt no one is agreeing with you" when this isn't even a matter of agreeing or disagreeing but digging into this stigma that is foreign to me - and apparently even my 70 - 80-year-old grandmothers.

MssyMmmy · June 2015

Have you looked at this topic on the other birth month boards here? This thread is tame compared...

BritDillinger · June 2015

MssyMmmy said:

Have you looked at this topic on the other birth month boards here? This thread is tame compared...

That's what I'm getting at. I'm prodding and asking why. Why does this bullying stigma even exist? As we speak, I have posted this question on other website with a blend of pregnant and non-pregnant folks and pretty much all of them are in a unanimous agreement that the stigma is unfounded and ridiculous. Yet on websites where people should be supportive of one another and happy for the arrival of an expectant child, there is vindication and snarky things to say on the matter.

I'm either met with projections that this topic is specifically about me or answers that completely dodge the questions. It's incredibly bothersome.

ashhsa · June 2015

I couldn't care less if one of my friends threw themselves a baby shower, or gender reveal. Not sure if that answers your question, I wouldn't "roll my eyes" and I'm certainly never resentful of buying people gifts. So I suppose there are going to be some people who will judge a person for throwing your own shower, and there will be some people who won't, but the hard truth is, you probably won't be able to change people's minds if they think it is poor ettiquite.

BritDillinger · June 2015

ashhsa said:

I couldn't care less if one of my friends threw themselves a baby shower, or gender reveal. Not sure if that answers your question, I wouldn't "roll my eyes" and I'm certainly never resentful of buying people gifts. So I suppose there are going to be some people who will judge a person for throwing your own shower, and there will be some people who won't, but the hard truth is, you probably won't be able to change people's minds if they think it is poor ettiquite.

I wonder what inspired it to be poor to begin with? I've seen people post about how it is selfish of parents to expect presents themselves, but then it's not in poor taste for someone else to expect presents for you? It is my firm belief that this "poor etiquette" mindset is what inspires those to bully and judge others when there should be happiness and joy.

But thank you for participating in the discussion for the topic in itself and not jumping to assumptions. I appreciate it.

willashbaby · June 2015

I've purposefully not read the replies so I'm not going off what anyone has said. A "shower" is to get you set up for what you will need for your first and future children. Barring unseen circumstances of course, if you loose all of your baby stuff tragically or your babies are very far apart (my mother had me and and then twins 17 years later, there was a second shower) that's one thing. If it's a matter of simply wanting to "celebrate" the new baby, which I see nothing wrong with, I really like the idea of a post birth "sip and see". Basically it's not a shower, so you're not inherently asking for gifts, it's a come meet this new wonderful person and hang out party. If people want to bring a gift for the new baby, it's a lot less pressure for those who can't/don't want to. Another more acceptable option IMO (which many of my friends seem to be doing) is having a "sprinkle" instead of a shower. There's no registry usually, just helping Mom stock up on essentials, diapers, wipes, some new toys/books, clothes, little stuff. That still implies that a gift is to be brought though. Take that for what you will.

sck601 · June 2015

The theory behind baby showers is to welcome the new mother into montherhood, hence the reasoning for it only being for the first born. It's more common nowadays for there to be a baby shower with each kid. Some people look at it as being gift grabby, especially if you are planning your own, since you are inviting people to your event. There's nothing wrong with hosting a gathering to celebrate the new baby, but I wouldn't call it a shower and don't share your registry. I definitely rolled my eyes at an invite I received for my friends 5th kid for a baby shower.

SummerOH · June 2015

Showers and birthday parties are for gifts. While it would be lovely to think of them as time spent with loved ones, the primary expectation in our society is that attendees bring gifts. If you truly only want to enjoy loved ones' company, then make that very clear on the invitations through a, "Baby has plenty from his/her big siblings! Your presence is gift enough!" message. Problem solved.

And looking at it as celebrating his or her birthday early is just a huge stretch.

ondabianca · June 2015

I honestly haven't thought that much about it. I have never been to a shower that was hosted by the parents to be but then again I don't go to a ton of showers to begin with. I've known people with multiple children who have had a shower for each one and I have known people who only do a shower for their first. I suppose it depends on the person and to each their own. If I personally were to have a problem, I would just not go (not roll eyes/get snarky/etc) but it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.

As far as me personally, I am pregnant with my first. It's still far too early to be thinking of a shower but right now it is not an expectation, a priority, or even something that is super important to me. I do know that I personally wouldn't host one for myself but to each her own.

wassuphoes · June 2015

A shower isn't celebrating the baby, it's celebrating you. Nobody (besides you) can bond or connect with baby until it's born. If you want to celebrate the baby, host a sip n see after the baby is born and you are comfortable having guests around the baby. This way, people are actually meeting the baby and celebrating the baby. Sip n sees are not gift giving events, but some people might still bring a gift anyway.

anglgrl718 · June 2015

I'll throw my 2 cents in, I guess. A shower is an event welcoming the mother into motherhood. It is not for the baby, the baby isn't even there. People bring gifts to set said mother up to have what they need for that baby and babies that may come after. Also, the shower itself is supposed to be a gift from someone else as well. This part has sort of become a to each there own kind of thing, i wouldn't throw myself a gift giving party but some people do. I don't see the point of spending all that money on a party when I can just take that money and spend it on the things my little one needs myself if no one offers a party. I'm on baby number 2 now and will not be having a shower. If someone offers I will likely kindly decline. I don't need more stuff and even without a shower I'm sure people will be excited and we'll get stuff anyway. If you want to celebrate the baby a sip and see after is an awesome option. I may have one of those just so people can come meet the baby. Or since my daughters birthday is in February everyone will just meet this baby at her birthday party. That's just how I view things. I get that some people don't agree and that's fine.

BritDillinger · June 2015

I find it interesting that when I posted this same post on my Facebook wall and on a site that I frequent that does not specifically surround pregnancy or parenting that I was met with a lot of confusion. It seems people who have never had a child, people who attend showers/parties, or even other parents were not aware of this etiquette that so many of you speak of and the majority of them could care less one way or another who is hosting the party as if there is a gift option then the registry was made by the parents to begin with. The name behind the party host held no meaning to any of them.

From what I have seen here, on other pregnancy websites and then compared to websites with the majority not being pregnant or parents, it seems this etiquette and these rules over what name to use and how they must function seem exclusive to these rings of pregnant websites. Other folks could honestly care less over what the name is, who is hosting and will attend one way or another if there is food, possibility of games and to have fun with the welcoming of a new baby. More than half of the non-pregnant/parent individuals who participated in my discussion admitted that they have gone to showers without even knowing it was supposed to be a first-child exclusive thing.

Everyone will have their own opinions, of course, but it seems a lot of these rules and the stigma surrounding it is stuck in the mindset of many of you here - and on other pregnancy websites like BabyCenter. So many of you specifically said "rolling the eyes" at the thought or held assumptions that people should expect that. A handful of the people who participated in my discussion held their own opinions that many of you were faced with this stigma, bullying mentality and wish to continue passing it on versus being happy for the individual.

So, really, I guess the conclusion is:

The majority of people who seem to care the most and wishing to project their own feelings into the matter are other pregnant women or those expecting entirely. Those who attend these functions, either childless or otherwise, do not seem to care otherwise.

Lljbean · June 2015

So, when you posted this thread you just wanted people to be like, "Oh my gosh! This woman is such an insightful genius and we have all been so wrong and judgmental in our opinions that have zero affect on her life!" Noted for the future.

Just like you said, everyone does have their opinions. And people have answered your question inside and out. From what I have seen the majority of people have said, "Hey, you do you!" That is the joy of being your own person. However, you asked a question and people answered honestly on why they felt a shower was tacky or not tacky. Trying to beat a dead horse as to why we aren't all agreeing with you isn't getting anyone anywhere. Throw your baby shower! I'm sure it will be fun! I'm sure people that love you will come and celebrate you and your baby. This is the internet, where not everyone is going to agree on anything. Ever. Thank God.

wassuphoes · June 2015

OMG just throw your tacky third shower, no one cares.

But stop throwing the word bullying around! No one is bullying anyone by saying they find second showers or throwing your own shower tacky. No one is bullying you by saying something is against etiquette. If someone was doxxing you, followed you from site to site saying "LOL U SO TACKY", mailed you glitter bombs, etc. That might actually start to be bullying. But this thread, the idea that women ask for opinions, and GASP! people respond with their opinions is not bullying.

BritDillinger · June 2015

Lljbean said:

So, when you posted this thread you just wanted people to be like, "Oh my gosh! This woman is such an insightful genius and we have all been so wrong and judgmental in our opinions that have zero affect on her life!" Noted for the future.

Just like you said, everyone does have their opinions. And people have answered your question inside and out. From what I have seen the majority of people have said, "Hey, you do you!" That is the joy of being your own person. However, you asked a question and people answered honestly on why they felt a shower was tacky or not tacky. Trying to beat a dead horse as to why we aren't all agreeing with you isn't getting anyone anywhere. Throw your baby shower! I'm sure it will be fun! I'm sure people that love you will come and celebrate you and your baby. This is the internet, where not everyone is going to agree on anything. Ever. Thank God.

wassuphoes said:

OMG just throw your tacky third shower, no one cares.

But stop throwing the word bullying around! No one is bullying anyone by saying they find second showers or throwing your own shower tacky. No one is bullying you by saying something is against etiquette. If someone was doxxing you, followed you from site to site saying "LOL U SO TACKY", mailed you glitter bombs, etc. That might actually start to be bullying. But this thread, the idea that women ask for opinions, and GASP! people respond with their opinions is not bullying.

Projections, projections, projections. I know I have seen people say "you do you" and I have also had to backpedal and inform the lot of you that this isn't about me. This is something that seems very interesting about many folks is that you cannot have a discussion without someone assuming it's about themselves.

You will also notice that this has been discussed on BabyCenter, other websites and many users have admitted that they have felt bullies or ashamed because of the many "bullying" opinions of others. Some have even admitted in this thread that this is tame compared to the more insulting comments people can leave. Which doesn't that sound silly to either of you?

You would think as a support group for pregnancies and expecting parents that there would be more understanding and happiness than cattiness and specific rules to something rather outdated. It seems only pregnant women care about the title shower versus party.

PrimRoseMama · June 2015

#lurker from TTGP:

Mamabeagle said:
A "shower" is for gifts. You are throwing a party for yourself in which the entire point is to receive gifts. Even if you say no gifts, people will feel obliged.

Large gender reveals are very AW. I am excited to learn what my cousin is having, but I don't think a 4 hour party is necessary. Dinner or a bbq with grandparents or a handful of friends is extremely different.

Do whatever you're going to do since I'm sure no one will change your mind, but don't get offended if people tell you the reason behind this, especially since you explicitly asked. It's poor etiquette, and it doesn't change. The point is that it's timeless.

Whatever you do, whether someone hosts it for you or not, please just remember to at least send written thank you notes...

^^ this. All of this. @britdillinger your posts are ridiculously too long. (TL;DR)

We get it. You wonder why posters here on the bump care. You really, really deeply & verbosely PONDER this baby shower issue. You've had it explained in very simple, straight forward ways. Still, you wonder...

wassuphoes said:
OMG just throw your tacky third shower, no one cares.

But stop throwing the word bullying around! No one is bullying anyone by saying they find second showers or throwing your own shower tacky. No one is bullying you by saying something is against etiquette. If someone was doxxing you, followed you from site to site saying "LOL U SO TACKY", mailed you glitter bombs, etc. That might actually start to be bullying. But this thread, the idea that women ask for opinions, and GASP! people respond with their opinions is not bullying.

I agree with wassuphoes. Do it if you are going to do it but this post seems like baiting just so you can argue.

anglgrl718 · June 2015

Throwing the word bully around like that when people are answering a question you asked is pretty awful, imo. Not everyone who has answered you has answered in an offensive way at all. In fact, many just gave their own opinion which is what it sounded like you asked for. My suggestion, now, for this question is to take it to the baby shower board.

wassuphoes · June 2015

BritDillinger said:

Lljbean said:

So, when you posted this thread you just wanted people to be like, "Oh my gosh! This woman is such an insightful genius and we have all been so wrong and judgmental in our opinions that have zero affect on her life!" Noted for the future.

Just like you said, everyone does have their opinions. And people have answered your question inside and out. From what I have seen the majority of people have said, "Hey, you do you!" That is the joy of being your own person. However, you asked a question and people answered honestly on why they felt a shower was tacky or not tacky. Trying to beat a dead horse as to why we aren't all agreeing with you isn't getting anyone anywhere. Throw your baby shower! I'm sure it will be fun! I'm sure people that love you will come and celebrate you and your baby. This is the internet, where not everyone is going to agree on anything. Ever. Thank God.

wassuphoes said:

OMG just throw your tacky third shower, no one cares.

But stop throwing the word bullying around! No one is bullying anyone by saying they find second showers or throwing your own shower tacky. No one is bullying you by saying something is against etiquette. If someone was doxxing you, followed you from site to site saying "LOL U SO TACKY", mailed you glitter bombs, etc. That might actually start to be bullying. But this thread, the idea that women ask for opinions, and GASP! people respond with their opinions is not bullying.

Projections, projections, projections. I know I have seen people say "you do you" and I have also had to backpedal and inform the lot of you that this isn't about me. This is something that seems very interesting about many folks is that you cannot have a discussion without someone assuming it's about themselves.

You will also notice that this has been discussed on BabyCenter, other websites and many users have admitted that they have felt bullies or ashamed because of the many "bullying" opinions of others. Some have even admitted in this thread that this is tame compared to the more insulting comments people can leave. Which doesn't that sound silly to either of you?

You would think as a support group for pregnancies and expecting parents that there would be more understanding and happiness than cattiness and specific rules to something rather outdated. It seems only pregnant women care about the title shower versus party.

This isn't a support group, it is an online community, but support is not the main focus of this community.

And while there have certainly been cat-fishes, ACTUAL bullying and other not so nice people that are actually relatively common on the internet, I'm pretty sure no one was ACTUALLY "bullied" for having their own shower. Being told throwing your own shower is tacky is not bullying. Disagreements, discussions as you like to say, are not bullying.

Also, I'm not pregnant, my H and I aren't TTC for another year. I just care about etiquette. I look back at blunders I made before I learned about etiquette (I can thank the Knot for that) and cringe. If I can help someone learn it sooner, rather than later, then I have done a good thing.

Nfleszar · June 2015

I read somewhere that you "shouldn't have to" host your own, and that its about the people in your life closest to you showering you with love and affection and gifts. Kind of like how its the bridesmaids that host the wedding shower generally.

I myself don't care at all what other people think/say/do etc. I think that whatever makes you happy is what you should do.

I'm sure our mothers will want to host mine, but I will have quite a bit of input in the planning. Anyone who knows me knows I'm entirely too type A to not. And anyone who doesn't bring a gift that is just fine.

If someone for whatever reasons feels they don't want to or shouldn't (or can't) buy me something I will survive. There are plenty of people in my life who want to shower me/the baby, and more importantly I am more than capable of providing whatever my baby needs.

Nfleszar · June 2015

I did once hear a story about a woman who was invited to a friends second shower - and in the invitation was a passive aggressive insert about "you couldn't make it to the first one...but now you get another chance". I did find that to be pretty uncool.

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