Let's keep this group supportive

mollyjeanh · June 2015

Embuzz247 said:
Ok, I think everyone needs to remember that this is not your real life! When you're asking questions and people respond in a way you find offensive or hurts your feelings, it's not personal! It cannot possibly be personal because they do not know you personally. They have no idea who you are, where you come from or why you're asking. You've never made eye contact, sat and had coffee or margaritas. They are simply stating THEIR opinions from their point of view and from where THEY come from.

Odds are, you know other mothers in real life. You know someone who has been pregnant at least once or twice that you can ask questions, but yet you're asking strangers online.

When you get upset, it's very easy to walk away. You simply click out of the app or close your computer and you're back in the real world. I've had to do it myself, when things get tense or offensive, I can walk away at any time, we all have that luxury.

I know it's hard not to let comments or opinions affect you, but try not to be so sensitive about it. At the end of the day, we only know and see a fraction of each other's lives here. No one truly cares what sex your kid is, what you name it, if you circ, if you bf or ff, or what you do with your cat because it doesn't affect them. It's not their life and they don't know you. So take their opinions with a grain of salt and make your best decision for you and your family, because that's who truly matters.

This exactly. Get out of my head!

redfallon · June 2015

AudriannaMaria said:

I never said she was going to change the person. But that is great advice for the OP.

Yes, and I never said that you said that. I can make up my own words that aren't in direct relation to what you said. I said that she could report someone for namecalling, which is against TOU. Stating that she cannot change that person was an addition to that sentence of my own making. It was to show the options available.

nik6499 · June 2015

The lazy and rude comments OP is referring to I believe we're in the breast feeding and bottle feeding thread and they were not directly at a particular person it was at the act and a LOT of us jumped in to say that was inappropriate commentary. I don't mind the disagreements, I learn from people and their opinions don't have to match mine. If I see comments that blatantly include false information I am inclined to step in and provide the correct information because I feel false information, even well intended, can be detrimental to others. I don't feel the majority of us are rude, I just think we don't all agree and some people perceive that as rude. Now there are some people in here that can be downright nasty if someone doesn't agree with them, and that's just the way they are. Some people take their frustrations out on others via the Internet. And that's a fact of life. Ultimately I wouldn't continue to read if people only agreed with me or told me what I want to hear, that would make for a very boring community! I digress, I understand what OP is referring to and I think it's the mom shaming and bashing comments for people who are choosing between some of the options available to mothers. I don't believe we should shame other people and I have seen people tell parents they feel sorry for their children. Your opinion stops being just an opinion when you use your opinion to stereotype the outcome or future of someone else's child because they don't agree with your opinion. I think that's uncalled for. But hey, You can feel sorry for my bright well adjusted child all you want

I'm pretty darn proud of her.

VesperLove · June 2015

I find it ironic (and slightly hypocritical) that a PP who agrees we should avoid rude or hurtful comments ended her post by insulting a large group of women and saying they aren't gentle people.

I don't bring that up because i truly am offended (i recognize this isn't real life and brush it off). I bring it up to point out how any comment can come across rude or disrespectful even from those who say they try not to be.

Overreacting to honest opinions and direct feedback will never go away. Getting personally offended at a stranger's comments wont either.

A true change on this board will only happen when every person gets a pair of big girl panties and realizes:

1. You cant dictate the kind of responses you get on a public forum (only positive, etc).

2. These arent your real life friends.

3. Not everyone in this world is nice nor can you expect to make them nice by asking or trying to make them feel bad for not being nice.

4. Opinion does not equal rudeness.

5. We are all adults.

rynney · June 2015

Oh for Pete's sake. This is the internet, not a coffee shop support group. That would be much more productive in person, in your own area. It's a forum. People post questions, others post answers. That's how it works. Opinions will be offered. Some will be very blunt, often mistaken as rude. Skip over the ones that rub the wrong way. It's simple, really.
This is just in general, but using Google and the search function really does help but unfortunately these tools are not used. These Kumbaya threads get real old. And TB, specifically this BMB is very mild. Wedding forums and the old bump were far more hostile.

breezypip · June 2015

redfallon said:
I just went through that thread. Unless someone changed their post, the first time the word "lazy" is brought up is from OP. There is no instance of that word on page 1, and it is only used twice on page 2 (first time by the OP). The word "selfish" is also only used by the OP. So, I'm not sure which person called her lazy and selfish. I can't find it. If I saw it, I'd report it myself.

I also don't see anything on that thread that was bashing OP. There were a lot of people offering suggestions on what to do instead of rehoming the cat and then if those didn't work then try rehoming the cat.

The only thing that got slightly heated was the discussion of declawing, and that was really around the original topic as a side topic and wasn't directed at OP.

Exactly. The declawing conversation, which I took part in, was not exactly directed at the OP, although it's never bad for any cat owner to be informed. It was more in response to some of the suggestions of other posters to the OP. I feel strongly about the topic, but I didn't see anyone being disrespectful.

adecembermom2015 · June 2015

Mizuiro007 · June 2015

redfallon said:
I just went through that thread. Unless someone changed their post, the first time the word "lazy" is brought up is from OP. There is no instance of that word on page 1, and it is only used twice on page 2 (first time by the OP). The word "selfish" is also only used by the OP. So, I'm not sure which person called her lazy and selfish. I can't find it. If I saw it, I'd report it myself.

I also don't see anything on that thread that was bashing OP. There were a lot of people offering suggestions on what to do instead of rehoming the cat and then if those didn't work then try rehoming the cat.

The only thing that got slightly heated was the discussion of declawing, and that was really around the original topic as a side topic and wasn't directed at OP.

I glanced back through and I honestly remember there being some nasty things on there that seem to have disappeared now. So either something was changed or my hormones were imagining things.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

I'm not opening up the cat post. Zero intrest I did open up the other ones Courtney. :-)

As everybody else said, you cannot dictate responses. You can report violations of TOU, but this is not a "dislike button."

No matter what anybody says, if one thinks that one may post onto a board of pregnant women that smoking pot while pregnant is okay (and expects to not get negative responses,) said person is "digging their own hole." Same theory for abortion. A mere assertion.

* edited for clarity

adecembermom2015 · June 2015

Amen @BostonBaby1

awrtz92 · June 2015

@magburt I expect people to disagree and I don't think it is being rude but when they go out of their way to make accusations it's rude. As an adult you should be mature enough not to say someone is lazy or selfish when you have no idea who they are. That's what I'm talking about. I don't care if you post things I disagree with. That's what it's all about but don't label me when all I'm doing is asking what others would do in my situation. I never asked what you thought of me lol. It certainly makes the people look bad who label people like that. That being said they're opinions don't matter anyway. Ik who I am

adecembermom2015 · June 2015

awrtz92 said:
@magburt I expect people to disagree and I don't think it is being rude but when they go out of their way to make accusations it's rude. As an adult you should be mature enough not to say someone is lazy or selfish when you have no idea who they are. That's what I'm talking about. I don't care if you post things I disagree with. That's what it's all about but don't label me when all I'm doing is asking what others would do in my situation. I never asked what you thought of me lol. It certainly makes the people look bad who label people like that. That being said they're opinions don't matter anyway. Ik who I am

The name calling has been addressed. Simply report those people for not following TOU.

awrtz92 · June 2015

@redfallon

yl1m32015 · June 2015

awrtz92 said:
@magburt I expect people to disagree and I don't think it is being rude but when they go out of their way to make accusations it's rude. As an adult you should be mature enough not to say someone is lazy or selfish when you have no idea who they are. That's what I'm talking about. I don't care if you post things I disagree with. That's what it's all about but don't label me when all I'm doing is asking what others would do in my situation. I never asked what you thought of me lol. It certainly makes the people look bad who label people like that. That being said they're opinions don't matter anyway. Ik who I am

Then what's the point of you making this thread? If their opinions don't matter to you, all of this was unnecessary.

Anyways, there was really only one person who I saw calling anyone lazy and selfish, which several members came to the defense. So maybe take it up with that person via PM rather than make an entire thread generalizing that it's a group of people being rude and offensive.

nik6499 · June 2015

I didn't and won't read the cat rehoming thread..... I run an animal rescue and the number one people surrender dogs to me is "I'm having a baby" not answering or responding to those threads is the nicest thing I can do.

awrtz92 · June 2015

I don't think it's necessary to report people. I just have to realize not everyone has the same beliefs I do. That's why those kinds of people aren't in my life. I'm so not offended by people talking about declawing cats. I don't even have an opinion on it. I guess some people just missed the comment or it got deleted but it's posted above.

redfallon · June 2015

awrtz92 said:

@redfallon

That comment was removed/edited because it's no longer on the thread. Yes, some people can be ugly in how they respond. It's how some people are. It's unfortunate, but the best thing you can do is ignore it.

MrsBwIVF · June 2015

Embuzz247 said:
I guess I'm not that gentle then. I think if you're asking a question on a public forum, instead of asking personal friends or family members, you're looking for opposing opinions. I don't know anyone personally enough to know their sensitivity levels.

If only we had a ticker that went from "super sensitive" to "super strong" with choices in between. One side could be a butt (for people who get butt hurt too easily) and the other side could have Rosie the Riveter.
Haha. Obviously kidding but that's exactly what I pictured when reading your comment.

nik6499 · June 2015

It's the dirty delete

adecembermom2015 · June 2015

awrtz92 said:
I don't think it's necessary to report people. I just have to realize not everyone has the same beliefs I do. That's why those kinds of people aren't in my life. I'm so not offended by people talking about declawing cats. I don't even have an opinion on it. I guess some people just missed the comment or it got deleted but it's posted above.

I'm just confused. You don't like people name calling but you don't want to report them...but you are going to screenshot their response and be passive aggressive about it? It's simple, if they are violating TOU and it bothers you then report it. If it doesn't bother you, no need to bring it up.

awrtz92 · June 2015

I didn't generalize any group of people as being rude. I actually was posting this to avoid pointing out the obvious and just say hey let's support each other but still have our own opinions. You can have a separate opinion without rude remarks. Guess it just back fired and some people misunderstood. I couldn't figure out how to delete the thread after the first woman made the very accurate comment that this would backfire.

nik6499 · June 2015

Deleting a thread only draws more attention to the thread

awrtz92 · June 2015

@nik6499 haha sneaky dirty delete.
This thread about encouraging everyone to be respectful totally backfired and did the opposite. I'm not sure if this is funny or sad. Oh well I tried.

redfallon · June 2015

awrtz92 said:

@nik6499 haha sneaky dirty delete. This thread about encouraging everyone to be respectful totally backfired and did the opposite. I'm not sure if this is funny or sad. Oh well I tried.

They generally do that, but you live and learn.

awrtz92 · June 2015

@redfallen yup you do. I guess I learned. I'll stick to threads about baby's sex, what fruit I am, and maternity clothes from now on lol

redfallon · June 2015

awrtz92 said:

@redfallen yup you do. I guess I learned. I'll stick to threads about baby's sex, what fruit I am, and maternity clothes from now on lol

Nah. I think your post was fine, and you got some good suggestions on what to do with your cat. You just have to have realistic expectations on the kind of responses you may get.

awrtz92 · June 2015

Yeah I shouldn't have expected less lol I work at a store with rude customers. I guess I was just dreaming for a bit. People honestly helped me realize I'm going to have to work with the cat and not Rehome it (I know I shouldn't already realized that but I was told since its mean to me that'd be the option)

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

OP... I don't know if you report that whether or not they're going to consider a direct violation of TOU. What I would suggest to you would be that if you don't want to report, instead of entitling a thread about us all getting along, simply post a thread asking for support. Let people know what happened and that you're upset by it, and I'm sure that you will get enough good feedback. Like everybody else said, you live and learn… I didn't read that thread so I didn't know what you were talking about. In any case, I don't believe that we are all going to get along. I think that we can all agree upon that right now.

That does not mean that there will not be a bunch of women that will come to your defense and give you support against somebody who is using those words towards you. However, since I do not know the situation, I can't tell you what that number would be.

If there's one person that thinks that you are being selfish or lazy out of however many people responded to your thread, I'm sure that you have that many more women in your corner. We can get pretty invested online and our feelings can get hurt, but as everybody else said, you don't know these people. I definitely don't think that you should take to heart what one woman said. Either way, I hope that you feel better and don't DD the thread.

kepoole · June 2015

BostonBaby1 said:

magburt said:
Just a heads up: this kind of thread usually backfires.
^^ this exactly
awrtz92 said:
That's okay people can be negative about it or argue all they want. If they want to be in a rotten mood that's their choice. I just don't like rudeness. I don't like to waste my time making others feel bad. I just want all the mamas out there to get the positive support they deserve:)
It should be noted again, this is an online forum, not a support group. The entire point is to get feedback from different points of view. That does not mean that you cannot get support on here, but if you read TOU, you can clearly see that not everybody has to agree with you on your post. And disagreeing is not rude. What is rude is to be misrepresenting one's opinion by giving the false impression that one may agree with a person that they do not. I see no integrity in that. However, I do agree with you that there is no need to argue simply for arguments sake.

* edited for grammar

I agree that we will all have different opinions and we shouldn't pretend to agree when we don't HOWEVER. if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. It takes less effort to roll your eyes and ignore something than to type out a ten page long message knocking that person down because of the difference of opinions.

CMDD · June 2015

Sometimes, I find, that a person is disagreeing but also trying to educate. And, even if that pisses you off, it is worth it because some of us like to hear both sides and make educated decisions.

angetralala · June 2015

I really hate these threads. They make me want to leave the BMB and, possibly, set my phone ablaze.

This is not a knock to the OP. I completely get where she's coming from and would like to live in a world where everyone was considerate, understanding, and empathetic.

However.

Because that world does not exist, starting a thread about the way we should discuss our differences, which leads to more discussion about the way we should discuss discussing our differences, makes me want to retire from the internet.

I am sure this board serves a different purpose to everyone. Why am I here? To be honest, I'm nosy. I'm a FTM who has suffered two losses; I showed up to learn more about the experiences of other women who have gone through something similar, and stuck around because I had no friends with children until about a month ago. Some people are here because they have no family nearby; others crave community and don't trust Google. The one thing we have in common is that we're hoping to create life, and I can bet my bottom dollar we're all a little terrified.

If the opinion of internet strangers can ruffle you so much then strap in, mamas, because you haven't seen anything yet. Hearing judgment is part of being a parent, and this is just the dress rehearsal. Can we just accept that some people are miserable, opinionated, sassy, or all of the above, and clog the board with other threads?

redfallon · June 2015

kepoole said:

Just a heads up: this kind of thread usually backfires.
^^ this exactly
That's okay people can be negative about it or argue all they want. If they want to be in a rotten mood that's their choice. I just don't like rudeness. I don't like to waste my time making others feel bad. I just want all the mamas out there to get the positive support they deserve:)
It should be noted again, this is an online forum, not a support group. The entire point is to get feedback from different points of view. That does not mean that you cannot get support on here, but if you read TOU, you can clearly see that not everybody has to agree with you on your post. And disagreeing is not rude. What is rude is to be misrepresenting one's opinion by giving the false impression that one may agree with a person that they do not. I see no integrity in that. However, I do agree with you that there is no need to argue simply for arguments sake. * edited for grammar
I agree that we will all have different opinions and we shouldn't pretend to agree when we don't HOWEVER. if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. It takes less effort to roll your eyes and ignore something than to type out a ten page long message knocking that person down because of the difference of opinions.

Again, this is one of those it'd be nice, but not going to happen for everyone. There have been plenty of times that I find it helpful for myself to go ahead and type out whatever comment I'd really like to make and then not post it. I've written it all out, which makes me feel better, but I don't post it, which also makes me feel better.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

kepoole said:

BostonBaby1 said:

magburt said:
Just a heads up: this kind of thread usually backfires.
^^ this exactly
awrtz92 said:
That's okay people can be negative about it or argue all they want. If they want to be in a rotten mood that's their choice. I just don't like rudeness. I don't like to waste my time making others feel bad. I just want all the mamas out there to get the positive support they deserve:)
It should be noted again, this is an online forum, not a support group. The entire point is to get feedback from different points of view. That does not mean that you cannot get support on here, but if you read TOU, you can clearly see that not everybody has to agree with you on your post. And disagreeing is not rude. What is rude is to be misrepresenting one's opinion by giving the false impression that one may agree with a person that they do not. I see no integrity in that. However, I do agree with you that there is no need to argue simply for arguments sake.

* edited for grammar
I agree that we will all have different opinions and we shouldn't pretend to agree when we don't HOWEVER. if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. It takes less effort to roll your eyes and ignore something than to type out a ten page long message knocking that person down because of the difference of opinions.

I am rolling my eyes now.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

@kepoole thank you so much for the advice! That saves so much time :-) But in all honesty, it's up to each person what they want to write and if somebody wants to explain their position then it is their right to do so so long as they are not violating TOU

rain0831boww · June 2015

magburt said:

Mags! Again with the gifs! They're beautiful!

nik6499 · June 2015

Why post that you are no longer going to post? I don't understand this concept at all.

angetralala · June 2015

@sylforester I think you have completely missed the point here, and that's a shame. However, if three pages of adult opinion-sharing hasn't helped, I'm not going to fight the good fight.

Also: we all know you weren't really laughing when you typed 'lol.'

yl1m32015 · June 2015

sylforester said:
I honestly hope that not every month club turns out this way. I recommended this app and the forums to my newly pregnant friend, as when I first joined I enjoyed reading everyone's questions and posts. Now that I see we should not be asking questions (only googling), to expect unfriendliness when posting, and so much negativity and cattiness in general... I have decided to end my time on these forums. I've always been the type to have more guy friends than girl friends for these reasons anyway lol.

I have never been a part of an online community, and now know it is just not for me - thank you all for helping me realize this. I will not be recommending these forums to any of my friends from now on.

Actually if you'd lurk around, most other bmb are WAY worse, we are fairly tame. But peace out :-h

redfallon · June 2015

I think that an online forum such as this is really where some people get their first taste of the world around them that isn't in their immediate comfort zone. There are people here from all over, not just the U.S., but the world. There are so many different types of people. Bulletin: Not everyone is nice. Not everyone is respectful. Not everyone likes you. People have different opinions and different cultures and different ways of expressing themselves. This may be a shock and eye-opener, but a good one, if you can stick around and accept it, and possibly learn a little something along the way. It's a microcosm of the world here in TB land.

BostonBaby1 · June 2015

GBCB

sylforester said:
I honestly hope that not every month club turns out this way. I recommended this app and the forums to my newly pregnant friend, as when I first joined I enjoyed reading everyone's questions and posts. Now that I see we should not be asking questions (only googling), to expect unfriendliness when posting, and so much negativity and cattiness in general... I have decided to end my time on these forums. I've always been the type to have more guy friends than girl friends for these reasons anyway lol.

I have never been a part of an online community, and now know it is just not for me - thank you all for helping me realize this. I will not be recommending these forums to any of my friends from now on.

I'm very sorry you feel that this is not the place for you.

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