How to keep MIL out of the delivery room

casey132 · June 2015

I decided a few months ago that I only want my husband and mom in the delivery room for the birth of our daughter. My husband however says that his mom should be there. When I tell him no, he tries to tell me that if she can't be in there then MY mom isn't allowed in there either!! I have never gotten along well with his mom, she has a history of drug use and she is loud, obnoxious, and just not a pleasant person to be around in general - let alone during the birth of our daughter (our FIRST child). I really want my mom there but if that means that my MIL has to be there, I don't know what to do. Its not fair. It's my first child and I want birth to be somewhat pleasant. Whenever this topic comes up he calls me selfish and it just leads to a big fight. Am I being selfish for not wanting MIL there? What can I do to get him to see my point of view, or should I just get over it and let her be there....
Sorry for the long post and rant, I just need advice or opinions from other moms.

princesslockness · June 2015

You are the one pushing the baby out, you decide! It is his child, so maybe compromise and have her waiting and she gets to be in the room right after you and baby get cleaned up, or she could be there for awhile then has to leave when pushing starts.
Points to make sure H knows:
1. If you are stressed, labor can take longer, have problems, and can cause for interventions.
2. You have absolute say. Meaning you can tell the nurses and she won't be allowed in L&D if you don't want.

Carmofrap · June 2015

I think after watching you in labor for however long it's going to take you, your husband will get what a idiotic thing that was for him to say to you. For now I'd just tell him that one of the best things for a laboring mother is a environment where she feels comfortable to prevent the body from shutting down labor due to stress. If his mom is going to cause you stress she doesn't get to come. You're the one doing all the hard work and you need to focus, not be bothered by unwanted attendants.

batmom05 · June 2015

While I can completely see your hubby's point on how if your mom is there his mom should be too, I have to respectfully disagree. In my opinion, you are the one doing all of the work and you need to be comfortable. If you are stressed, it makes it much harder to deliver and ups your risk of complications.

In a similar-yet-different scenario, my husband and I had an ongoing "argument" for a few months where I said I didn't want anyone at the hospital while I was in labor and that I didn't want to see anyone until I said I was ready. He felt that it was unfair to his parents since they are first time grandparents. While I could understand his point, I asked him to really think about what it meant for me and the strain on my body. We still went back and forth on it for a while until I asked him to really look in to what labor is like on the female body. After reading a bit and (him) talking to the midwife, he agreed with me.

Maybe help your hubby understand why you don't want her there (it's stressful) and why you want your mom there (don't we all want our mom when we are sick or hurting). I would suggest sitting down and rationally talking about your expectations for birth vs. what he thinks will happen, what you feel like you need and why you think that. Maybe if he understands your reasoning it will help. He's likely just seeing it as you like your mom better than his right now and that is why he is taking it personally.

I also found it very helpful for my hubby to talk to other dads who had been through labor and delivery. It really changed his tune!

Good luck!

taralohse · June 2015

My MIL would WANT to be in the delivery room if we allowed her. My husband is against it, thank god. There is no way I would feel comfortable with my MIL in the room. I mentioned having my mom around in case my husband needs anything but that is only because she GAVE BIRTH TO ME. My MIL was in the room with her daughter for both of her births but daughter in law is totally different in my opinion.

Does his mom even want to be in there? My mom told me she would be wherever she wanted me to be and that she did not need to be there. I can barely get my MIL to agree on when she arrives to the hospital.

I don't think you are being selfish at all. You will be in labor and it is important that YOU feel as comfortable as possible!!!

Krysta6 · June 2015

This is crazy! When he pushes something out of his dick he can dictate who is in the room! Your vagina your decision! It's not like you aren't allowing her to meet the grandchild!

Sorry this is clearly something that hit a button. My husband has never told me who to have in the room!

I would make him watch a video of a woman in labor so he can see the experience and hopefully understand why you wouldn't be comfortable.

J1D · June 2015

Nope. Not selfish. You HAVE to look out for you in this! As in you have work to do! And yes, it's his child too but beyond supporting you, he literally can do NOTHING to birth your baby. It's all you.

I personally don't believe your labor and delivery is a time for anyone else to intrude on. And it's one of those times that anyone else asking you to consider their feelings is very selfish of them- in the bad way!
It's giving birth. It's hard work. It's not a party or social event.

I have no idea how to make your husband understand because to me it's very simple, you need to be comfortable with everyone who's in the room and you can't have added stress or distractions and at the same time you also need support. Therefore he qualifies to be in the room, your mom qualifies to be in the room and your mil does not. It's not about "fair." Or "if you get that I get this." It's about you. Your comfort. Your ability to concentrate. You giving birth.

Now after the baby is born and you've had a moment to rest and recovery a bit and you are letting people in to see the baby, then I think he should be allowed to have his mom see his baby. But I don't think she needs to be there before the baby has arrived.

I'm sorry you have this extra stress at a time in your life you really don't need it.

naka92 · June 2015

Tell him very uncencored what will be going on and just how much on display your everything will be. Explain how youd be very uncomfortable with his mom being in the room, while it'd help your comfort level for your own mom to be there. Heck, ask him if he'd like to go butt naked with his legs spread open wide to have his junk on display for your mom, bet he wouldnt wanna do that.

Simply put, this is about you, not your MIL. Its about who you want there, not about who he wants there, he's not pushing out a baby. Sorry if thats blunt, but thats the way I see it. You could compromise and tell him to go get her from the waiting area the moment baby is born, so she doesnt miss out on anything other than seeing your cooch on display, maybe thatd help?

VioletandRose · June 2015

First of all, no you're not being selfish. You're the one doing the work, your rules.
Have you checked to see the hospital's policy on number of people in the delivery room? That might settle things in an easier way than trying to explain things to your husband. Maybe they have a 2 person maximum (mine does)...if so, situation resolved.

saraking437 · June 2015

Personally I would be so upset with him. You are not being selfish, he is. When he grows a baby for 9 months, labors for hours and then delivers, he can have an opinion. If he needs his mommy there to help him stand in the delivery room, then they can both go hold hands in the hallway...

I know that's harsh, and maybe not the best advice on what to say to him, but I know its what I would want to say!

But seriously, point out the reasons why it's important to you for your mom to be there and the reasons that you are not comfortable with your MIL being there. Also, some hospitals only allow two people in the delivery room, so maybe you can use that in your defense?

I wish you the best of luck!

J0C0TX · June 2015

Have you done any tour or info session at the hospital/birthing center you're having the baby at?

If not, think about doing one with your dh. When we did ours (6 years ago with dd1) the l&d nurses speaking were VERY VERY clear that the only person who mattered on the day was mom. Dad's feeling's don't come into it while you are laboring and delivering baby. They said if mom says no visitors, there will be no visitors. If mom says no dad, there will be no dad. It is about your stress levels that day - no-one else's

you are not being selfish in this. This isn't just about when you're pushing, but all during labor, nurses and doctor will be in checking things out and you will have no sense of privacy (or shame ) by the time you're done. If you don't want your MIL there you're entitled not to have her there. The day your dh is able to deliver a child, then he can have her in there. She is not your mother and if you don't want her in there , you don't have it.

cgummie · June 2015

VioletandRose said:
First of all, no you're not being selfish. You're the one doing the work, your rules.
Have you checked to see the hospital's policy on number of people in the delivery room? That might settle things in an easier way than trying to explain things to your husband. Maybe they have a 2 person maximum (mine does)...if so, situation resolved.

Our hospital has the same rule-- when it's go time, only 2 people.
To be fair to everyone, we decided on just us. No moms at all, since we couldn't include both. While this solution doesn't work for everyone, it made it easier for us.

SandraD1119 · June 2015

Yes it is his baby too but you are the one in the comprising position with all your stuff on display so I say you get to choose who gets to be there while you deliver.

mrscookiequeen · June 2015

No one hates their mil more than me.. I mean I loathe her! In my mind she's the closest thing to the devil there is... BUT... the baby I'm pushing out doesn't belong to me alone. It's both of ours. So if my husband wants her there i wouldn't say no. It's his baby too.

batmom05 · June 2015

cgummie said:

First of all, no you're not being selfish. You're the one doing the work, your rules.
Have you checked to see the hospital's policy on number of people in the delivery room? That might settle things in an easier way than trying to explain things to your husband. Maybe they have a 2 person maximum (mine does)...if so, situation resolved.
Our hospital has the same rule-- when it's go time, only 2 people. To be fair to everyone, we decided on just us. No moms at all, since we couldn't include both. While this solution doesn't work for everyone, it made it easier for us.

As a side note to this, I'm not sure about where you live but if you mention it to the midwife/OB ahead of time they will make sure to tell you the rules say only 2 people even if it's more if you need them to. I've found that generally they will tell a little fib to get mom what she needs.

Krysta6 · June 2015

mrscookiequeen said:
No one hates their mil more than me.. I mean I loathe her! In my mind she's the closest thing to the devil there is... BUT... the baby I'm pushing out doesn't belong to me alone. It's both of ours. So if my husband wants her there i wouldn't say no. It's his baby too.

Wow. But it's YOUR vagina! A lot happens before the baby actually arrives! The baby is ours but my vagina is my vagina and no one will ever dictate who gets to see that other than me.

JaqiDec04 · June 2015

Krysta6 said:

mrscookiequeen said:
No one hates their mil more than me.. I mean I loathe her! In my mind she's the closest thing to the devil there is... BUT... the baby I'm pushing out doesn't belong to me alone. It's both of ours. So if my husband wants her there i wouldn't say no. It's his baby too.

Wow. But it's YOUR vagina! A lot happens before the baby actually arrives! The baby is ours but my vagina is my vagina and no one will ever dictate who gets to see that other than me.

This. We're talking about 12 hours of labor, where the nurses lift your gown every hour and prove you and flash your vagina to the room.

We're talking painful contractions, close together, and showing your butt to the room every time you get out of bed for comfort or bathroom breaks.

My mom and BFF were in the room besides DH and it was still uncomfortable and embarrassing to me.

There is nothing there for MIL to do. Her son isn't in pain. He can eat, sleep, relax, etc. If he needs support, they can wait in the waiting room, which is where my DHs BFF and mother were.

leah665 · June 2015

Nope. My mom and partner are the only ones allowed in the delivery room. His parents can wait in the waiting area. I don't want a bunch of people in the room when I'm laboring.

amberrmariee20 · June 2015

Easy solution. I'm not comfortable with you in there. Thank god here we are only aloud 2 support people !

furelise93 · June 2015

Heck, my mom won't even be in the delivery room. When it's go time, it will be my husband, and my husband only. You're not being selfish at all! You're going to be completely on display. Like another PP said, would your husband like his junk to be completely on display for your mom to see? Most likely not.

margies2010 · June 2015

While I agree with the majority of PP (your body, your vagina, you doing the hard work - your decision), maybe you guys can come to an agreement? Maybe have the mothers rotate their time with you during labor, then when it is time to push only you and DH. That way, your mother can comfort you, he can have his mother "be involved" and then when it is time to actually meet baby, you and DH can have that moment to yourself. Marriage is about compromise, so maybe that will help in this situation.

Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide or how you go about it!

leighann1 · June 2015

His argument that both moms should be allowed in assumes that all things are equal. Yes, the child is equally yours. The birthing process is not. It is 100% you, so it needs to be your decision.

BbyCastillo · June 2015

I'm afraid this is something my boyfriend will tell me when this topic really comes up. He does know I want my mom and him to be there with me, and in all honesty. I am giving a north plan to my nurses when I walk in and it will clearly state that I only want my mom and my boyfriend along with the staff and doctor to be in the room when the pushing begins. I will allow my mom and his mom to be with us until then, and if one of his sisters, (the one who i speak to the most wants to be there with us it's fine too) but they have got to go once the real deal begins. You're the patient you have rights and you can speak up. My reason why I only want both him and my mom ONLY is due to any, distress that may come up (im having a VBAC if my health allows it) and really need to be as relaxed as possible and only focus on me and the baby. Maybe you should talk to him about how much this means to you and how much your support system has a role in that room and if your MIL only causes unpleasant emotions than its not a good idea to keep her in there the entire time. Compromising is always good, communicate with him and your nurses.

amberrmariee20 · June 2015

margies2010 said:
While I agree with the majority of PP (your body, your vagina, you doing the hard work - your decision), maybe you guys can come to an agreement? Maybe have the mothers rotate their time with you during labor, then when it is time to push only you and DH. That way, your mother can comfort you, he can have his mother "be involved" and then when it is time to actually meet baby, you and DH can have that moment to yourself. Marriage is about compromise, so maybe that will help in this situation.

Best of luck to you, no matter what you decide or how you go about it!

Love our hospital policy here ! Your aloud 2 people and only the same 2 people the entire labor. No rotating people thank god.

kjacks6347 · June 2015

I don't necessarily think that you're being selfish. Something to remember though is that this is not just your child. You deserve to have a comfortable birthing experience. With that being said so does he. This is a life changing event for the both of you and you have to give a little. If things get out of hand have her leave. My husband and I aren't having either set of parents in the delivery room considering it wouldn't be fair to have one set and not the other.

CEB37 · June 2015

kjacks6347 said:
I don't necessarily think that you're being selfish. Something to remember though is that this is not just your child. You deserve to have a comfortable birthing experience. With that being said so does he. This is a life changing event for the both of you and you have to give a little. If things get out of hand have her leave. My husband and I aren't having either set of parents in the delivery room considering it wouldn't be fair to have one set and not the other.

I don't understand this argument AT ALL. The birthing process is 100% the mother. Her vagina, her decision. If a mother giving birth feels she needs the support of her own mother while pushing a baby out of her vag, that is her decision and any SO that claims it's unfair is a douche. Sorry not sorry.

Sballerina · June 2015

Great points from others about checking about the number allowed in L&D and about educating your husband about the extensive display of your private parts, negative effect of extra stress on a delivering mom, etc. Definitely do those things!

Have you been able to figure out, or better yet directly asked him, why he wants his mom to be there? That might be helpful. Then you can acknowledge his feelings or reasons. Maybe he feels that since you get along better with your mom than her that his mom is often excluded? Definitely should be courteous with her and do your very best to be pleasant and sincere. Fact is though that if you do those things and she is still a challenge - in normal social settings, let alone birthing! - then it may not be possible to be as close to her as your mom. Maybe try to let him know it's not personal, but you try your best and it's too stressful to add her to your L&D mix!

There is a very personal, private nature to labor. Yes, the grandparents probably all do have an equal "right" to see their grandchildren. If your reason to not have your MIL was to be spiteful or something, yes, that would be selfish. But that's not your reason! Your reason is to minimize stress. Me and DH have decided that it will only be us. I don't want my own mom in there bevause she has the capability to be like how you described your MIL! I'm so thankful friends have assured me that's ok! Also thankful MIL is not pushing to be there either. I can see how some people think having one mom and not the other is not fair. But the point is not to be unfair. The point is to allow the mom to have who SHE feels is supportive and helpful there so baby can get here!

Explain to hubby this is about your health and ability to deliver his and your baby and your MIL's grandchild SAFELY, with minimal damage to yourself (tears, having to resort to C-section, etc). Maybe give him a little by saying you don't mind if she comes in as soon as baby and you are clean and presentable.

jefinley1 · June 2015

@CEB37 Yesssss. Thank you. While it isn't just your child, it is just your body. Your mom isn't there so that she gets to one-up your MIL on seeing baby first or getting to experience a special moment for her, it's for you. The other thing that I've learned in life that I think other people haven't, either because they've never been in situations where they have to deal with very complicated family members, or because they have never learned to set boundaries, is that not everything has to be equal. People confuse equal with fair. While it might seem "equal" for his mom to be there if your mom is, stepping back and looking at the situation logically you can easily see (you said it yourself) that it isn't fair. And it isn't fair for you to miss out on your mom being there to make it "equal" because his mom has major issues and will stress you out.

While my husband was totally supportive of me reserving the right to call my mom if I panicked, I really just want it to be him. But as we're using a midwife and will be returning to our home shortly after baby comes, I did want my mom and my dad if he is in town to be at the house to help out if we needed it. I didn't want his mom, and we are in complete agreement. She crosses boundaries and would not be helpful at all (from what I've heard, labor without pain meds= pretty physically taxing). Obviously this is not "equal." But I refuse for my husband and me to be punished, and for my wonderful parents to be punished because of her loss of privileges due to her behavior all to uphold a false idea of "fair." At the end of the day, I'm very sad I can't have that relationship with my MIL. I would love to have her be a supportive person who could be there right along side my parents. But no amount of pretending through equality will make her that way.

jenn2132 · June 2015

My MIL ruined my first birth experience exact same scenario!! My husband and I had already agreed it would be he and I and my mom and sister in the room. Literally 10 minutes before I started pushing she created a scene about not being in the room with the "other" grandma (my mom) and my husband started siding with her! It caused a big fight, tears, etc. and finally to keep the peace my sister offered to let her take her place. I was so angry at my husband, at my MIL but I had no time to dwell on it in that moment since I had to push my baby out. First thing I told my husband when we found out we were expecting again was " your mom will not be in the room!" Thankfully this time he agreed and I even made him tell her so she wouldn't expect to come in this time. While I've gotten over the incident I've never really forgiven her for ruining that experience for me. I say hold your ground!!! This is your moment and you should feel completely stress free.

Sballerina · June 2015

@jefinley1

Wow, that is a fantastic explanation of the difference between equal and fair!

LiveNLove44 · June 2015

This has always boggled my mind. When it comes down to it, you are the one going through labor and delivery. People can be there to see the baby after it arrives, but up until that baby is out, that game is all about keeping mom in progress (and baby safe, obviously). I would be dumbfounded if DH ever suggested that his mom deserved to be with me during that time. There is NOTHING in this world like L&D and everyone will have a different experience. I am a pretty even-keel kind of person, but I totally would have thrown something at my MIL if she had been in the room. I also would have said things I didn't mean. I was exhausted, in pain, and ready to meet our DD.

Everything I thought I might want, I didn't want at the moment when pushing ramped up. I thought music would be nice. Nope. I thought having other distractions would be good to keep my mind off the pain. Nope. I pushed and vomited with sweat running down my face the entire time. There is NO WAY I would want someone I'm even remotely uncomfortable with in the room during that time.

twogirlsandagreen · June 2015

Just tell him that you are not comfortable with his mother being in there. Your lady bits will be on full display and it's one thing for your mom to be in there and a totally different thing for HIS mom to be in there. Would he want her watching if he got a vasectomy? Too intimate a situation for you to be uncomfortable - stress is bad news for labor mama. I would never ever feel comfortable with my MIL in the delivery room and I love her so much and we have a wonderful relationship.

Cupcakesandquilts · June 2015

Yeah, and what's up with MIL that she wants to see THAT?

DeeGreer · June 2015

I have my aunt insisting she'll be in the delivery room. Girl, bye!!! There's no way in hell! My mom, my boyfriend. The end. I told her straight up "it's not your decision to make". I see her a few times a year, it would be one thing if we were close. I'm not even allowing visitors the same day I give birth. I'll be kicking both our parents out shortly after because I feel it's important for my boyfriend baby and I to bond. Every other the day for the next few months we'll have our fill of visits from family and friends. I want some peace and quiet to enjoy our little miracle before the madness starts.

mdunn302 · June 2015

The first time around, I made the mistake of being "fair" to my MIL by not having my mom in the room since there was a 2 person limit. This time, my mom will be there. She is more comforting to me than my husband even! We went in on a Sunday night after my water broke and progress was slow. We told everyone we would call them when it was almost time for baby, however my MIL came right away anyway. While my husband relaxed and watched TV, I made small talk with his mom when I wanted nothing more than peace and quiet. I love my MIL, we have no issues and are close but this time around, I will do things how I want them and be more firm to anyone who tries to overstep my wishes.

sweet+cheeks · June 2015

I thought I wanted my mom there the first time but she wasn't able to be there. It turned out to be the very best thing! As a PP you have no way of knowing how you or SO will respond to labor. DH was beyond awesome and was intensely focused on me the whole time which turned out to be exactly what I needed. I feel like we pushed that baby our together, lol. Having even my mom there would have changed the dynamic. She will not be invited this time. You absolutely should not feel pressured to have ANYONE there that you do not want, father included. It is your body, your choice!

ElleMF728 · June 2015

Tell him no and if he has a problem with it he can keep her company in the hallway. Honestly, DH's only job during labor is to support you, make sure you are as comfortable and as relaxed as possible. Any person that is going to demand his attention and focus away from you is counterproductive. This shouldn't even be an issue and he is being selfish making it one.

baconlady · June 2015

I agree with many of the other ladies . your body your labor your choice !

Nukke · June 2015

Simple, tell the doc, or midwife and nurses that she's not allowed. They'll keep her out. Done

tate62610 · June 2015

Um. No. You can definitely ask the OB nurses to say only 2 people allowed. You're not being unfair to him. Your body, your decision! I would NEVER let my MIL in the room while I'm pushing. I'm 100% uncomfortable with that.

mrscookiequeen · June 2015

Wow! Have you ever been in a birthing room? The only person starring at the vaginas is the doctor. I was with the sister the whole time and when they needed to check her I'd just step out and then come back in. When it was time.. I just held her hand and rubbed her head.. I didn't stick my face in her crotch. That's where the doctor goes. Fyi.

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