The most personal question I'll ever ask...

babybluu · June 2015

okay this is really hard for me to talk about because it's so personal, but I literally don't even know who else to talk to.

So I know it's normal to not want sex while pregnant and be totally turned off. Dh and I have only had sex 4 or 5 times since I found out at just before 4 weeks, and I'm 10 now. So 4 or 5 times in 6, almost 7 weeks. I feel sooo bad for him, but just the thought of him pisses me off sometimes. I hate not being attracted to him or not wanting to touch him. But tonight I decided to just get over myself and do it with him anyways. But the whole time I felt like I was being violated in the worst way I can imagine, I started crying. It was dark so he didn't know. And then I started getting angry with him. Like I was so mad at him during the whole time. And then afterwards I got up and went to the bathroom and sobbed. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life. I don't want to tell him because I don't want him to feel like he's doing something wrong. He never pressures me, I just feel so bad for him that I thought I would try and do it tonight for him.

I don't know if this is even normal? Like this extreme of a feeling. My whole body tensed up and I was cringing the whole time. It's been progressively getting worse leading up to this time, except one time when I actually really wanted it. But other than that it's been a terrible experience. Did or does anyone else have experience feeling like this? I hate it so much and I'm so scared it's never going to go away. It's not even like I'm in pain or feeling sick. I feel almost totally normal lately.

MssyMmmy · June 2015

I think it's normal. Your husband is lucky you tried. Mine didn't get any from weeks 3-9.5. I had one good day and decided he had been relatively patient. I thought about it sooner because I felt so bad for him but anytime other then that one moment of feeling normal and I would have been in the exact same spot as you. Kudos for trying!!! Wait until you feel up to it. He may be frustrated...but that's nothing compared to sick, in pain and violated. C'mon 2nd tri!!!!

babybluu · June 2015

MssyMmmy said:
I think it's normal. Your husband is lucky you tried. Mine didn't get any from weeks 3-9.5. I had one good day and decided he had been relatively patient. I thought about it sooner because I felt so bad for him but anytime other then that one moment of feeling normal and I would have been in the exact same spot as you. Kudos for trying!!! Wait until you feel up to it. He may be frustrated...but that's nothing compared to sick, in pain and violated. C'mon 2nd tri!!!!

Thanks for your answer. I feel better knowing it sounds normal. Mostly I was just shocked at how wrong it felt. Like I felt like I didn't know this person or something or like he had no permission. Poor guy. And I know he would NEVER cheat on me but these stupid hormones are like "OMG what if he finds it somewhere else since I'm not giving it to him." Like I said, I have 100% confidence he wouldn't, but I've heard stories. I think I'm just a mess right now. I may just tell him I'm not ready

. But feeling that way really scared me. I still feel shaken up.

Hawaiianmama17 · June 2015

I have felt the exact same way.. Almost repulsed by the thought of sex with him.. Which is so terrible and awful to say.. I also cringed during it.. But I know it gets better.. This is our 4th baby... And usually by the 2nd trimester it gets a lot better.. My sex drive came back in full force in my previous pregnancies !!!

Life is Exciting · June 2015

My sex drive is shot in the first tri too. Last time I was a horndog for the whole second tri though. The tables were turned though because I got big early and so by the second tri, my hubby was weirded out by having sexy with me.

indibidule · June 2015

I feel the same way. I have absolutely NO sex drive. We haven't had sex in about 7 weeks and we used to about 3 or 4 times a week. It's like a switch flipped. I wish I wanted it. I don't even have the excuse of being nauseated. I'm crossing fingers, toes, and anything else I can think of that this changes after I hit the second trimester. I keep telling myself that I should just go ahead and try anyway, but now your story scares me from doing that.

steph_pegasus · June 2015

I'm there with you, in terms of no interest right now. This is our 2nd though so DH knows a little more what to expect in that department. Everyone reacts to the hormones differently. After I had DD, I couldn't have sex until she was 6 months old - no desire and it was extremely uncomfortable to the point of painful, even using lube. But I've also heard from friends that they were just fine immediately after having their babies so I figure its just a personal difference.
If I were you I would talk to your husband about how uncomfortable it is for you right now. Hopefully he will be understanding.

allslee · June 2015

indibidule said:
I feel the same way. I have absolutely NO sex drive. We haven't had sex in about 7 weeks and we used to about 3 or 4 times a week. It's like a switch flipped. I wish I wanted it. I don't even have the excuse of being nauseated. I'm crossing fingers, toes, and anything else I can think of that this changes after I hit the second trimester. I keep telling myself that I should just go ahead and try anyway, but now your story scares me from doing that.

This. All of this. Last time we miscarried I had a ton of spotting and it happened even more so after sex (which is normal I know). I haven't spotted at all this time but a huge part of me doesn't want to have sex because of this. I don't want to see any spotting and I know sex won't cause a MC but my emotions can't handle it. I think our ultrasound next week will make me feel better and I'm hopeful for second trimester.

thepanicos · June 2015

I had my first miscarriage March 11th, and I didn't stop bleeding for a month. We had sex ONCE after and I was fuming pissed the whole time and wanted to strangle him. He knew I wasn't into it. Behold, 7 weeks later I still don't have a period and have bad cramps. I went to my OB and he said its common for someone not to get a period right after so he took a sonogram to see if my cyst ruptured, and no. I'm pregnant again. Since March, my husband and I have had sex 4 times. Yes 4. I feel bad for him, I really do. We used to be going at it all the time. He tried last night and I said "if you want a dick by the the morning I suggest you stop poking me with it." I'm hoping for a better second trimester. Good luck!

mrussello · June 2015

You are not alone. That's how I felt with my first. I was so repulsed by being touched that he made it worse. I love him so much but I was getting angry that I knew I was upset and he didn't (didn't know/didn't care/didn't see-any of the didn'ts). It went away in the second trimester. The third, I was a horny school girl. This time around, im not repulsed at all. I am physically ill. My body is sore, knives in my boob pains, back injury, NAUSEOUS all the time, and I'm sick. We haven't had sex since April. We attempted once in May and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. He's about to lose his mind but I told him I can't handle it and he will just have to wait a few more weeks. He won't even hint at anything other fooling around. I'll vomit. It does get better though. In a few more weeks, things will change:)

mamaksweez · June 2015

This is such a strange thing, but so normal. For me, with my first, it got so much better in the 2nd and 3rd trimester. I wanted it more than my husband!
Just wait until the baby is born, you can't have sex for 6 weeks and then when the doc approves it, sex is more painful than giving birth. (I had an epidural when I gave birth and just had lube for the after sex.) It doesn't really get better until you are done breastfeeding...

MrsTeacher25 · June 2015

I feel the same way. I was put on pelvic rest this weekend for the remainder of the 1st trimester and I was actually relieved. LOL

Mamabeagle · June 2015

Could you try alternative forms of intimacy? I know I have been way less willing to have sex but I've offered blow jobs a few times and that has done the trick. My sex aversion isn't that bad though, went from 3 times a week to once and he seems to have his own aversion if he is thinking about me being pregnant.

J3sp · June 2015

Skip this

J3sp · June 2015

I have gone through the same thing before. My husband has been amazing and I'm happy we have been able to talk through everything, but I know the feeling of feeling bad for him. I try to help him other ways, but even then it's few and far between. Here's hoping 2nd tri is better! Don't force it. I know you want to help him, but it will just make things worse if you force it especially if you don't talk about what you went through. It's not good for you or him. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

TinyDancer51510 · June 2015

Oh honey, that sounds awful! :-/ I would say give yourself a break until you feel up to it. There are worse things in life than not getting any. As a survivor of a sexually abusive relationship, your post makes me want to cry.

Can you talk to your husband about it or is he one of those men who is going to get all butt hurt even if you explain it's the hormones? I'm positive things will get back to normal eventually.

enkb · June 2015

I'm also not feeling super into having sex, but have enjoyed some intimate side by side time with DH and it makes us both happy. Even if you're not feeling up to blowjobs, just having some together time that feels good can be nice, if that's something you think could work for you both.

babybluu · June 2015

Thank ladies for all the advice. It feels so good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way for the most part. I think last night was rough because I was still upset from the whole experience, but I feel better now. I think I will end up talking with my husband. I'm almost to the second trimester so hopefully things change soon

MamaHolland · June 2015

I don't even want to be touched. He wants to kiss all the time. I'm fine with a few pecks but he wants to cuddle and make out that's the last thing I want is him all up in my face when I constantly feel like I'm about to vomit. This nausea is gross I want him around but I don't want physical affection.

GhanimaAtreides · June 2015

Out of curiosity, were you ladies on hormonal BC when you met your partners and/or leading up to getting pregnant? If you were, you're probably just now smelling your partner's pheromones really for the first time... and it's a huge turn-off!!!

https://m.livescience.com/2781-pill-women-pick-bad-mates.html

babybluu · June 2015

@Lizzie5831 not when we met or started dating. I took Bc when I turned 16 but only for a couple months. And then again for a few months after we got married at 18. But haven't been on any form of BC since July 2013

ChelseyBels · June 2015

Your body is going through so many changes. It's normal. I agree with all the ladies that it's important to chat with your husband. Explain to him that you have never gone through these feelings and changes before, and it's a little hard for you. You still love him, etc. You might also want to chat with your doctor about it? If your husband isn't at the apt. Just to hear what the doc says?

MssyMmmy · June 2015

Lizzie5831 said:

Out of curiosity, were you ladies on hormonal BC when you met your partners and/or leading up to getting pregnant? If you were, you're probably just now smelling your partner's pheromones really for the first time... and it's a huge turn-off!!! https://m.livescience.com/2781-pill-women-pick-bad-mates.html

Never been on birth control! So that's not it for me! I have bad morning sickness and every smell in the world makes me sick. Including warm dishes from the dishwasher and boiling water.

Myelhsa · June 2015

We both have a slight aversion to each other right now. I have ZERO sex drive and last time I offered we got half way through when my husband stopped and said, "I just feel like there are too many people involved right now..."

We just laughed it off but I know we are both worried about doing any sort of harm to baby. We still cuddle and spend intimate time together. There just hasn't been much sex.

jenatomy · June 2015

I've been feeling okay but the idea of sex freaks me out. I have this unfounded fear that sex will cause another miscarriage and we'll lose a third baby. I don't even want to mess with it. After our 12 week ultrasound I'm hoping I won't be as paranoid and the feel good hormones will kick in. DH has been a trooper in the mean time!

shaybe90 · June 2015

I have zero sex drive, too. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one, although it totally freaking sucks.

daisymomof3 · June 2015

We are getting married Saturday and all I can think about is the week long honeymoon. I am terrified, but I want to make good memories. Last time we did it, it was quite uncomfortable and just awkward for me. I have 0 sex drive. Hoping they environment, mood, and stars alone for a good trip!

sgraham1589 · June 2015

Same way! But not really just having sex with him I can actually do that but him in general everything he says repulses me! Like half the time I don't even want to talk to him! It's totally normal just hormones out of whack!

carlyhammond · June 2015

OP I've had that moment too. I have never felt that way before in my life. When he was finished I went to the bathroom cried a little more, washed my face, walked to the bed (avoided eye contact, he can always tell when I've been crying) and went to sleep.
I have NO sex drive - it's run for the hills, when we do have sex it hurts. I'm actually going to the doctor next week and I plan to talk to her about it. My SO is coming with me, so it won't be the whole story but, I plan on asking why it hurts.
I'm 10wks today I found out I was pregnant when I was about 3wks.. We have MAYBE had sex 4 times? And once I asked for it (I really enjoyed it too)
There's sometimes it doesn't hurt, but sometimes in hurts in the beginning and when I relax or he switches position it feels better.

Good luck OP, second trimester will be here before we know it, and we will feel better about everything!

PaManda1228 · June 2015

It's normal. Since we are keeping it real, what about a bj or handjob.. And he can give you a massage or rub your feet. Just until your libido comes back in a few weeks? Of course if you are comfortable with that but that's what DH and I did with our first until about 16 wks.

jjodom · June 2015

I think it weirds my husband out since there is a baby in there. I'm 10w and can only think of 2 times since we found out. Sometimes its good thing for how I'm feeling and sometimes its super frustrating.

babybluu · June 2015

Well dh told me yesterday that the other night was really uncomfortable for him and that he doesn't wanna do it again until I'm ready. I felt so bad but kind of relieved

GhanimaAtreides · June 2015

Lmao! @Myelhsa and @jjodom... just wait until your 6-7 months and baby is squirming against him and kicking him through your tummy! Or even father along when baby stretches once head down and you get the cervical ice-pick.

Pregnancy sex is not for the squeamish. Kinda like the old military saying about sex during a girl's period, "If you can ruck through the mud, you're damn sure able to f_ck through the blood!" Your guy either mans up and figures out how you can both enjoy yourselves or he doesn't.

I kinda laugh at the guys with hang ups. They're not real men IMO. But since you don't currently care about having sex, it's probably win-win

KaraEpp16 · June 2015

This was a very interesting post. I think that if you don't feel "sexy" or even "good" about it then it should wait. I've been so nauseous that I'm pretty sure my SO has resigned himself to going solo the next nine months. Normal also, to feel bad for them...a little bit...I guess. hahaha.

I've told him its not because I'm not attracted to him (That must be such a bummer, but I have felt that way before with past partners...so I get it) I've told him its not that I don't want to....I'm just so yuck. Not sexy. Pukey. Broken out. Bloatedddd.

I don't blame anyone who doesn't wanna jump in the sheets every night at this point - even if I felt HALFWAY to normal at this point I'd still be like uh no.

babybluu · June 2015

Yeah I feel bad for him because his IS going solo right now. Which is sad because he never use to have to. I'm ready to go back to normal lol.

KaraEpp16 · June 2015

@babybluu he will be fine going solo for a little longer. No one wants guilt sex. Most guys like it more when you're actually into it.

And my SO has been going solo for pretty much the whole pregnancy so far....they'll live. We have more crap on our plates than getting ourselves off. (not trying to be crude!)

babybluu · June 2015

@KaraEpp16 yeah true. I think he will appreciate it more when he doesn't feel like he's forcing me to do it. I'm just glad he doesn't know it made me cry lol. I think he would feel even weirder and not wanna touch me

ekysel · June 2015

Yes I have not had a sex drive at all, in fact I was in the mood the other night and asked my husband and I went to wait for him in bed, when I laid down the moment had passedand it was the last thing I wanted to do. We have had sex a few times since I found out I was pregnant, but it's not been regular at all. I feel bad about it, but he understands. Seems like we will be back to normal in the 2nd trimester... Or I hope so anyway!

dc072175 · June 2015

Lizzie5831 - that saying is hilarious!!

TinyDancer51510 · June 2015

MrsBeyl said:
We are getting married Saturday and all I can think about is the week long honeymoon. I am terrified, but I want to make good memories. Last time we did it, it was quite uncomfortable and just awkward for me. I have 0 sex drive. Hoping they environment, mood, and stars alone for a good trip!

When my husband and I went on our honeymoon, we only had sex twice*. I have Pelvic Floor Disorder and didn't know it at the time so sex was pretty painful. We still had a great time swimming and eating and getting pampered at the spa. All that to say, don't feel like the honeymoon has to be all about sex. :-)

*I should add that this was after we waited until we were married to have sex. So my husband had really had a dry spell. ;-)

jezygal · June 2015

I think it's normal. I started crying after sex the last time we did it because I felt like I was being forced, but my husband would never do that. If he knew I started crying he would probably never ask for sex again. It may just be hormones, we've only had sex 1 a week at the most since we found out. I either don't feel well or we're to tired to do it.

Want a personalized experience?

The most personal question I'll ever ask...

Re: The most personal question I'll ever ask...

Choose Another Board

Search Boards