Planning own baby shower

almakie · May 2015

So has anyone planned there own baby shower? Mines this weekend, I've planned everything down to the last m&m. No one offered to throw me one and we decided to have more of a couples BBQ than a traditional baby shower. BUT now mil wants to take over and is driving me crazy, she's had her own agenda about this baby from the minute we told her I was pregnant and my SO has no balls to stand up to her and tell her to back off. She's driving me crazy!

Sorry that turned into a rant, need to get it off my chest.

Frogger5 · May 2015

Erm, I guess I'll be the one to warn you about the responses that are coming. It's not looked upon well around here to host your own baby shower. And you sound a LITTLE entitled in your post. K, have fun, bye!

Zeuskay01 · May 2015

Granted, I don't known how far along exactly you are besides the fact you're due in June....but I personally don't even see the point of a baby shower this late in the game. I'd consider a sprinkle or whatever they're called after the baby is born. Andddddd I also would never throw my own baby shower, but that's just me.

Serenamarr · May 2015

It seems like the damage is done here... I almost want to suggest you let her take over to keep your guests from thinking you threw your own baby shower. Unless you said no gifts on the invite and are really just having a casual couples' bbq? That I think would be fine.

almakie · May 2015

Okay ladies, probably didn't explain it well enough. It's more of a last get together BBQ before bubba comes.

ElRuby · May 2015

almakie said:
Okay ladies, probably didn't explain it well enough. It's more of a last get together BBQ before bubba comes.

So then it's not a baby shower.... I am confused?? What do the invitations say?

Mommaswizz · May 2015

The premise of the party is a little confusing but you're sure to get some empathy for crazy MILs here. I've read so many MIL horror stories today. I Hope she backs off for your sanity's sake

delujm0 · May 2015

I can't believe that this is real...mostly because it's the second or third "I'm planning my own shower and just posted this to brag about it without asking any questions at all" thread on the bump in the past week.

I'm assuming this is a troll and moving on instead of wasting my time explaining basic etiquette here.

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

If its a 'hooray, probably our last weekend without a baby so come hang out with us and eat our food' thing, then great. If its at all intended that people bring you gifts, or has been advertised or invited as a 'baby shower' (which is a party in which people give gifts) then I'm not really behind this. I'm not into people throwing a party for themself where people are expected to bring gifts.
Sounds like you're looking forward to it, I know I would appreciate a last huzzah with my pals.

almakie · May 2015

This is my first child and unfortunately I don't a family that has time to bother throwing a baby shower for me, so I took matters into my own hands. I posted this thread not to be braggy or seem selfish. But to talk to someone that actually is throwing there own baby shower, so instead of all the negative comments about how I shouldn't do it. Let the very few people that are doing it themselves speak to each other.

klkonwi · May 2015

I don't think any one of us threw their own baby shower to answer your question. It is nice to do a "meet and greet " BBQ or something once babe is actually born....... So I hope you can find someone to empathize with your particular plan.
It's understandable that it's your first baby and baby's need supplies.... But if your mil is willing to pitch in with planning let her and guide it if you so desire.

krystleshel · May 2015

I'm hosting a "last get together" BBQ before baby on the 6th (baby due on 20th) at our house. I got lazy & didn't create invites, so it's a Facebook invite (oh the shame!). It just says, "Bun's in the oven, BBQ on the grill. What a perfect reason to celebrate & chill!" & then I said "Come out to celebrate the start of summer & one last BBQ before "baby name" makes her grand entrance. BYOB"

I didn't include registry or diaper info since I've had a shower, but I know there's a few friends (DH's guy buddies especially) who want to bring gifts. If they do, cool, if not, eat the BBQ & tell me how cute the nursery is. Haha.

HayesRN13 · May 2015

Mm bbq, I want a bbq turkey sandwich on a French roll.. All hot and delicious

KonaCoffeeBean · May 2015

Hosting your own shower is terribly rude. If your MIL is willing to step in and help you save face, you should let her.

MrsWiggleWaggle · May 2015

Well you did get warned that hosting your own wasn't looked on to favorably...but it's done. As for MIL how easy is it to manipulate her? Can you make her think she's "hosting" or co-hosting by giving her a not terribly important task that will distract her.

I know you are looking for people who have hosted their own showers for advice...not sure what difference that makes. But I am sure you have some guests coming that are giving you the secret side eye so maybe having her "help" will limit that. It's kind of like when someone invites me to their birthday dinner only to assume everyone at the table will pay their own way, and usually Cover the birthday haver too. I never say anything but don't host an event and then ask me to shell out. Inside I'm all like:

dezpez07 · May 2015

@almakie personally I don't see anything wrong in hosting your own get together especially since it's not a formal baby shower. I was going to plan my own shower only because I didn't even know someone was supposed to offer to host it and I planned my own bridal shower not thinking anything of it. If you don't want your mil to help then stand your ground, however extra help is always appreciated and you accept her help while letting her know what you want. Good luck!

mishmardhiono · May 2015

Why is hosting your own baby shower rude?? My girlfriend hosted mine but I was heavily involved in every aspect (date, time, who's coming, what we were having/doing, picking theme/invites & paying for it as I can't justify someone else paying for it). I think it's sad that because this girl doesn't have a friend willing to host/put
It on for her she has to miss out on celebrating her new arrival?

This baby shower etiquette thing has always really bugged me, I'm not sure who decided it but it is a load of
Crap. Would anyone truly look down at there friends for holding their own shower? Seems awfully rude to me. A lot more rude than asking people to come celebrate with you.

OP, If you google baby shower invitations you will see a lot of
Invitations are hosted by the mother to be, go ahead do what you want and enjoy your new arrival & celebrations.

Maybe it's different here in australia...

MrsWiggleWaggle · May 2015

mishmardhiono said:

Why is hosting your own baby shower rude?? My girlfriend hosted mine but I was heavily involved in every aspect (date, time, who's coming, what we were having/doing, picking theme/invites & paying for it as I can't justify someone else paying for it). I think it's sad that because this girl doesn't have a friend willing to host/put It on for her she has to miss out on celebrating her new arrival? This baby shower etiquette thing has always really bugged me, I'm not sure who decided it but it is a load of Crap. Would anyone truly look down at there friends for holding their own shower? Seems awfully rude to me. A lot more rude than asking people to come celebrate with you. OP, If you google baby shower invitations you will see a lot of Invitations are hosted by the mother to be, go ahead do what you want and enjoy your new arrival & celebrations. Maybe it's different here in australia...

Any party called "shower" is centered around providing gifts. Items for establishing a household for a bride to be, items to assist a new mom having a baby for the first time. the name shower literally suggests showering a guest of honor with gifts that's why they called it that. The idea is that the community of friends and family come together to alleviate the significant financial burden associated with a major life event. Similar to barn raising parties in old times where a farming community would come together to help a single family and celebrate after.

So parties that are called showers are ALWAYS about giving gifts. When you host your own you are basically saying..."I would like to throw a party so that all of my friends and family will bring me presents. You are essentially hosting a gift grab for yourself, as opposed to a friend or family generously supporting you during an important life milestone. its a lot like having a wedding and then sending your guests an invoice for their share of the cost. So yeah, usually it is considered in poor taste to host a party whose purpose is centered around gifts. Sure it celebrates the new arrival but it has always primarily about the mom to be. if it were just a celebration of an arrival, gifts would not be expected and it would not be called a shower. At least in the US, the etiquette is that if it says shower on the invite and you accept you must bring a gift...it would be rude to not bring one to a party where a huge portion of the event is centered around watching a single person open gifts.

Serenamarr · May 2015

Like I said before I don't think there is anything wrong with hosting your own celebration of the BABY coming/a get together for your friends. But at least here in the U.S. the entire point of an actual shower is to celebrate the MOTHER and shower her with gifts. Common point of view on this is its rude to throw a party in your own honor, and invite people expecting them to give you presents. You wouldn't send an invitation saying "buy me a present because I'm having a baby" but essentially that's what it is if you are the host. It would be like nominating yourself for an award and then asking people to buy you a present for your achievement.

mishmardhiono · May 2015

So if you don't have someone willing in your life to do this for you then you just miss out? As soon as you go and complete a gift registry irrelevant of who is hosting it your just doing a gift grab in any case?

I don't know, I'll never agree on this and I'd never look down at any of my friends hosting their own shower. Every person deserves to have this experience/memory and shouldn't be excluded because they may not hve friends who want to or who can host on their behalf.

God you guys must be under so much pressure over there, we would never judge someone for not bringing a gift. For inviting us out for their birthday dinner and having to pay or for shouting our own at a wedding. The point of all these days is who your spending important milestones with and memories created rather than gifts scored/money spent.

One of the best weddings I went to was a friend of ours, already had children, lived together and purchased a house so in lieu of gifts they asked we paid for our head at the wedding. No pressure on gift buying, worked out cheaper than a gift for us and they got the wedding they wanted

Serenamarr · May 2015

Lol @MrsWiggleWaggle we just said the same thing at the same time essentially.

mishmardhiono · May 2015

Serenamarr said:
Like I said before I don't think there is anything wrong with hosting your own celebration of the BABY coming/a get together for your friends. But at least here in the U.S. the entire point of an actual shower is to celebrate the MOTHER and shower her with gifts. Common point of view on this is its rude to throw a party in your own honor, and invite people expecting them to give you presents. You wouldn't send an invitation saying "buy me a present because I'm having a baby" but essentially that's what it is if you are the host. It would be like nominating yourself for an award and then asking people to buy you a present for your achievement.

That's essentially every party, an engagement party is come celebrate our engagement and bring us gifts, birthday party is come celebrate my birthday and give me gifts..

I don't know, it must be different cultures I think.

MrsWiggleWaggle · May 2015

mishmardhiono said:

So if you don't have someone willing in your life to do this for you then you just miss out? As soon as you go and complete a gift registry irrelevant of who is hosting it your just doing a gift grab in any case? I don't know, I'll never agree on this and I'd never look down at any of my friends hosting their own shower. Every person deserves to have this experience/memory and shouldn't be excluded because they may not hve friends who want to or who can host on their behalf.

Ill agree it is a bit archaic. Its from a time when women moved directly from their parents house to their husbands. Today couples marry and have children much later and are usually more financially and domestically established so they don't exactly "need" anything but the tradition still stands. But that's where the tradition comes from. And yes, if no one is willing to do this you do miss out. No one is entitled to a baby shower, you don't deserve one and plenty of women have gone without one. Others who don't have much money have managed to pull off very modest but respectable showers. In the age of pinterest the pressure to show off by hosting the perfect party has become ridiculous so I understand why some are reluctant to host these kinds of events. A cake a few paper streamers and some paper plates doesn't seem to cut it in many circles any more.

You don't have to agree. I'm not trying to throw shade. I'm just explaining the context and why general etiquette says you don't host your own.

EDIT: About the gift registry....really you aren't supposed to do one of these until someone has offered to host. Before the modern age like in the 50's there were arguments about registries and if they were "tacky" usually your host did them in store for you and quietly got the word out to guests about where they registered so people wouldn't buy duplicate gifts. Now people register themselves,times do change and maybe this will too. Who knows? (Source: many conversations with grandmothers, aunts, ladies society club presidents in the American South).

PS @mishmardhiono I am fascinated by cultural etiquette! I so very wish our events looked more like what you describe in Australia. There is definitely a consumerist attitude here and it drives me a little nuts. It's all about flaunting your wealth in many respects. My inlaws even demanded a list with all the gifts/money received from my wedding so they could equally reciprocate for future weddings of various friends and families who attended ours!

JessHeppell · May 2015

no shower here. not gonna host my own because that does seem very attention seeking and gift grabby.
i made a registry and am using it to remind myself of what i still need to purchase.
also didnt have a bridal shower, sweet 16, and no celebration for my champagne birthday. if i had the space (and friends) i would invite people over to hang out, but alas. forever alone.
i shall just miss out like thousands of women have done in the past.

mishmardhiono · May 2015

MrsWiggleWaggle said:

mishmardhiono said:

So if you don't have someone willing in your life to do this for you then you just miss out? As soon as you go and complete a gift registry irrelevant of who is hosting it your just doing a gift grab in any case?

I don't know, I'll never agree on this and I'd never look down at any of my friends hosting their own shower. Every person deserves to have this experience/memory and shouldn't be excluded because they may not hve friends who want to or who can host on their behalf.

Ill agree it is a bit archaic. Its from a time when women moved directly from their parents house to their husbands. Today couples marry and have children much later and are usually more financially and domestically established so they don't exactly "need" anything but the tradition still stands. But that's where the tradition comes from. And yes, if no one is willing to do this you do miss out. No one is entitled to a baby shower, you don't deserve one and plenty of women have gone without one. Others who don't have much money have managed to pull off very modest but respectable showers. In the age of pinterest the pressure to show off by hosting the perfect party has become ridiculous so I understand why some are reluctant to host these kinds of events. A cake a few paper streamers and some paper plates doesn't seem to cut it in many circles any more.

You don't have to agree. I'm not trying to throw shade. I'm just explaining the context and why general etiquette says you don't host your own.

EDIT: About the gift registry....really you aren't supposed to do one of these until someone has offered to host. Before the modern age like in the 50's there were arguments about registries and if they were "tacky" usually your host did them in store for you and quietly got the word out to guests about where they registered so people wouldn't buy duplicate gifts. Now people register themselves,times do change and maybe this will too. Who knows? (Source: many conversations with grandmothers, aunts, ladies society club presidents in the American South).

PS @mishmardhiono I am fascinated by cultural etiquette! I so very wish our events looked more like what you describe in Australia. There is definitely a consumerist attitude here and it drives me a little nuts. It's all about flaunting your wealth in many respects. My inlaws even demanded a list with all the gifts/money received from my wedding so they could equally reciprocate for future weddings of various friends and families who attended ours!

It's all very interesting, in my husbands culture we have a "shower" every 2 months up until the baby is 1 and it's about prayers rather than gifts and any gifts goven is from us to our guests (a package of ceremonial food).

I have to say prior to joining this board I really never knew how different we were to you guys and our cultures. Doesn't mean any one is right or wrong just very eye opening.

disney815 · May 2015

I'm sorry, grammar nazi teacher here... The original post... There needs to be their... Ok.. That is all. Proceed.

valeriemarie24 · May 2015

I think in this case if OP hosts a BBQ/get together with friends and it is not specifically classified as a baby shower then it's ok. There's no expectation for people to bring gifts. In most cases in a time like this they usually will bring one, but it's on their own accord and not an obligation.
I'd be ok with going to a party like this.
However, if invitations are sent out as a 'baby shower' and a gift registry is mentioned or included, that's when I'd say that's a no no. I just had my shower that my mom and MIL hosted and as far as gifts go people were way more generous than I expected. They go a little crazy in times like this. But people want to feel like they're doing it on their own and not like it's an expectation from the mother of the baby. And I only received one gift that was actually on my registry, the rest was stuff I wouldn't have even thought of that people found on their own.
So I guess my point is if it is a self hosted 'baby shower' with gifts expected, then that's a no. If it's a get together with friends and casual with no mention of gifts, then that's a bit more acceptable.
And if your MIL is offering to help with this shindig you're planning, let her. Less stress on you.

eanorberg · May 2015

I think it kind of depends on your circle of friends and family and you. It seems like some people nowadays are so busy that they'd rather be invited to a shower than throw one. Personally I think it would be a little strange if anyone I knew threw themselves a shower, but more than that I would be happy to not deal with the stress of hosting! So I guess no matter what the party is called trying to focus on the reason for it and to give joyfully is where I would be coming from. Babies are such blessings!

lovethatcolosun · May 2015

I feel bad that op's friends didn't step up. I think that is the rude part in all of this. Sure it is not your traditional way of doing things, but I don't think op should be shamed for doing things a little different. We don't know her financial situation, family dynamics, or history. Sure she asked for opinions from those who have done this, and of course doing it publicly opens her up for opposing opinions, but shaming her for doing things a little different is a little over the top IMO. I hope you enjoy you BBQ shower and get together with friends.

almakie · May 2015

mishmardhiono said:
Why is hosting your own baby shower rude?? My girlfriend hosted mine but I was heavily involved in every aspect (date, time, who's coming, what we were having/doing, picking theme/invites & paying for it as I can't justify someone else paying for it). I think it's sad that because this girl doesn't have a friend willing to host/put
It on for her she has to miss out on celebrating her new arrival?

This baby shower etiquette thing has always really bugged me, I'm not sure who decided it but it is a load of
Crap. Would anyone truly look down at there friends for holding their own shower? Seems awfully rude to me. A lot more rude than asking people to come celebrate with you.

OP, If you google baby shower invitations you will see a lot of
Invitations are hosted by the mother to be, go ahead do what you want and enjoy your new arrival & celebrations.

Maybe it's different here in australia...

Things are defiantly different in Australia, for one there's not a huge focus on gift registrys. Might be different in the cities but in a small town where I'm from, no such thing.

There's been nothing mentioned on the invitations about gifts, if anyone asks I honestly tell them what I need but that's no different then an aunt asking you anyways.

almakie · May 2015

Times are changing fast, and all the old traditions are unfortunately dying. But at the same time people need to be more opened minded about new traditions.

delujm0 · May 2015

almakie said:
Times are changing fast, and all the old traditions are unfortunately dying. But at the same time people need to be more opened minded about new traditions.

Traditions and etiquette are not the same thing. It will never not be rude for you to openly ask a person to buy you a present, which is what you're doing when you throw your own shower.

I really tried to leave this thread alone...sigh.

CateOfChicago · May 2015

I think it's definitely a cultural thing. In my area, it is tacky to throw your own shower, bday party, etc. I don't find it rude that someone throws their own, I find it sad. If you don't have 1 person in your life willing to throw down a plate of cheese and crackers and let people in their home for an hour or two, then you don't have a shower. In my circle, the only party you should throw for yourself is a wedding or a housewarming. I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just pointing out how it is different by area. Anyone throwing their own party in this area just seems desperate and sad.

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

JessHeppell said:
no shower here. not gonna host my own because that does seem very attention seeking and gift grabby.
i made a registry and am using it to remind myself of what i still need to purchase.
also didnt have a bridal shower, sweet 16, and no celebration for my champagne birthday. if i had the space (and friends) i would invite people over to hang out, but alas. forever alone.
i shall just miss out like thousands of women have done in the past.

(*raises hand*) This is me.

kayokosaeki · May 2015

I'm in agreement that it's tacky to throw your own shower. But I also feel bad for those in situations where friends and family can't afford or due to distance can't do a shower for someone else. It doesn't mean the mother to be doesn't deserve a shower. why don't you save face by making it seem like your husband is the host? Doesn't gotta be an all female thing. My mother and sister threw my baby shower but my husband had a huge hand in it too.

karaelaine1991 · May 2015

kayokosaeki said:

I'm in agreement that it's tacky to throw your own shower. But I also feel bad for those in situations where friends and family can't afford or due to distance can't do a shower for someone else. It doesn't mean the mother to be doesn't deserve a shower. why don't you save face by making it seem like your husband is the host? Doesn't gotta be an all female thing. My mother and sister threw my baby shower but my husband had a huge hand in it too.

Ehh, I think having your husband host a shower is the same thing. United in marriage and all that.

My personal opinion? Hosting your own shower is tacky, gift grabby, etc., as many PP have stated, and no, just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you're entitled to a shower, sorry. However, a BBQ celebration without the title of "shower" and without mention of the registry on the invitations - totally fine.

britneythebridexo · May 2015

almakie said:
So has anyone planned there own baby shower? Mines this weekend, I've planned everything down to the last m&m. No one offered to throw me one and we decided to have more of a couples BBQ than a traditional baby shower. BUT now mil wants to take over and is driving me crazy, she's had her own agenda about this baby from the minute we told her I was pregnant and my SO has no balls to stand up to her and tell her to back off. She's driving me crazy!

Sorry that turned into a rant, need to get it off my chest.

This reminds me of how I'd feel if I began something like this and my MIL stepped in and DH didn't try and help me stop it.
Now seeing it from a different stand point, I think maybe she didn't know that you wanted a baby shower or maybe she felt rude stepping in an area your own mother normally would've stepped in.
I think that maybe your MIL feels guilty now about not asking you if you wanted a shower or trying to throw one for you.
If she'd like to help, let her. It seems like she cares.
TBH my 1st shower was a disaster! I had to make my own invitations from my graduation money, my grandmother and aunt didn't go 50/50 on it like promised, since my family wasn't getting back to me on anything MIL stepped in also and brought decorations and food, my grandmother asked ME (at the time I just graduated HS and my husband was working his arse off just for tips) to pay for the place they were having it which was completely out of line.
Girl it was just a disaster.

Kresla · May 2015

My good friend is throwing me a baby shower this Sunday. If she haven't offered, my husband and I would have hosted a sip and see. All the invite would say is come see our baby, BYOB, and bring something to share like salad or dessert. We probably would grill hamburgers and hotdogs and just have a gathering. We may still do this but at least it isn't a party we host that emphasizes gifts. It is about important people in our lives seeing our baby. If they care to bring something, they can but they are by no means expected to.

LFCmacho · May 2015

Yeah I'm pretty fed up with all the rude judgement and lack of support on all these threads. Some people genuinely use them for helpful advice and comiseration... I sympathize with @almakie for not having someone volunteer to bend over backwards to throw her a baby shower. People are busy with their own lives and why shouldn't she have one if she wants one?
While someone did technically throw me a shower and act as host the day of. Soon after the planning went under way, I realized she didn't have the time or energy to devote to preparing things for the party, due to her demanding job and being a parent of an active 7 yr old, it's understandable. So I ended up doing everything and paying for the party %80 myself. I was appreciative to have my friend attempt to throw me a shower but it was a little stressful running around and picking up the slack. Ultimately it was a great party and everything was just how I wanted it to be and everyone that came had a great time and that was important to me.
Etiquette or not babies are expensive and I don't see anything wrong with wanting or needing things for your first born, especially if you put forth the effort of having a fun get together for your friends. Yes it's to honor the parents to be and to celebrate the new baby. But it still takes time and money and is somewhat stressful.
can everyone please stop being so hateful and get off your high horses!!!

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

Yes babies are expensive. But it is certainly not the responsibility of those around you to provide items to defray that cost. That is an incredibly rude and frankly irresponsible outlook. Even if not a single gift was purchased off my registry I would've been thankful for the shower hosted by my mother, and bought the stuff myself. It wasn't my friends and family's decision to get pregnant so they have no responsibility to contribute in terms of items.

UGH I tried to stay away from this for so long but that comment that "babies are expensive give me gifts" is so selfish, tacky, rude, and frankly obnoxious.

karaelaine1991 · May 2015

LFCmacho said:

Yeah I'm pretty fed up with all the rude judgement and lack of support on all these threads. Some people genuinely use them for helpful advice and comiseration... I sympathize with @almakie for not having someone volunteer to bend over backwards to throw her a baby shower. People are busy with their own lives and why shouldn't she have one if she wants one? While someone did technically throw me a shower and act as host the day of. Soon after the planning went under way, I realized she didn't have the time or energy to devote to preparing things for the party, due to her demanding job and being a parent of an active 7 yr old, it's understandable. So I ended up doing everything and paying for the party %80 myself. I was appreciative to have my friend attempt to throw me a shower but it was a little stressful running around and picking up the slack. Ultimately it was a great party and everything was just how I wanted it to be and everyone that came had a great time and that was important to me. Etiquette or not babies are expensive and I don't see anything wrong with wanting or needing things for your first born, especially if you put forth the effort of having a fun get together for your friends. Yes it's to honor the parents to be and to celebrate the new baby. But it still takes time and money and is somewhat stressful. can everyone please stop being so hateful and get off your high horses!!!

Wow, what an entitled attitude to have. Obviously there's nothing wrong with needing things for your first baby - babies need stuff! - but part of being responsible parents is providing for your child, not begging people to get stuff for you. That is what hosting your own shower entails. There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting gifts when offered, but once again... throwing your own shower = gift grabby. End of story.

And as far as the "lack of support" comment goes... this is an incredibly supportive community. Please reference the Good Vibes thread or FFFQ thread if you need proof of this, though there are many other examples I could point to. However, part of being supportive is being honest. If you can't handle people's honest opinions, stay off internet forums.

ETA to clarify again, OP's casual BBQ without mention of a gift registry sounds lovely. Not criticizing that.

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