Advise regarding MIL...

sumertidwell · May 2015

Without making this the longest post in history I will say my MIL and myself have not spoken in 2 years. She has barely spoke to my husband in those 2 years as well. She has a total of 4 kids and we are classified as the black sheep because we don't depend on her for ever single need like her other kids do. She has done some terrible things in the past to me and my husband and I wrote her off 2 years ago because of these actions. We don't get invited to family gatherings...example: christmas, thanksgiving, ect. We don't get phone calls and all that started prior to me not speaking to her. My husband and I have led a very happy health marriage without her being involved.
So when we found out we were pregnant she all of sudden kinda wanted something to do with us. (She has 8 grand children already. This is our first child) but not enough to put forth any effort. She has talked to my husband 3 times since we told her I was preggo. My husband and I agreed a long time ago that when we go into labor she would not be involved due to me and her not getting along. She stresses me out. We agreed we would tell her when the baby was born and we would see her after we left the hospital. Today (36w5d preggo) my husband springs on me he wants her in the delivery room. Ummm.... no. He tells me this and I swear I am throwing myself into false labor. I am completely not okay with this at all. I have no idea what to do. I need him to understand that labor is stressful anyway and considering our past with the heartless witch I need her far away from the room where I bring my child into the world. But I have a feeling this is going to begin world war 3.

I need advise. Please.

amhowell14 · May 2015

Stand your ground!

ElRuby · May 2015

Wow... All I can say is try to reason with your husband... And then just put your foot down ... And if you need to compromise suggest the waiting room?

Also, you can discuss this with your doctor/ nurse ahead of time and they can set the boundary for you... They are usually very interested in keeping things as stress free as possible and can be quite helpful in this instance. Good luck!

BabsTheBunny · May 2015

All I have to say is this, your body, your baby if you don't want someone in the delivery room tell the nurses they'll be more than happy to play bouncer

. I would also have a chat with hubby about how you don't need any added stress in the delivery room.

sumertidwell · May 2015

What blows my kind is I have been having a lot of anxiety and stress the last few weeks and my husband has been amazing and wanting me to do any and everything to destess.. no idea why he thought this would make it better...

Kresla · May 2015

Tell him it is your body and your decision. The people in the delivery room are 100% up to you. It sounds like she would only stress you out. If she had been involved and you and her were on okay terms, than more discussion would be needed on the topic with your husband. However, reading how it stands, it is up to you and you can even have the nurses refuse to let her in. You need to be as calm as possible for the healthiest baby. It also sounds like she has no right at all to be in there. Delivery is about you and the baby, not your husband.

Sorry if how I sound is harsh but my MIL drives me nuts and I'm on okay terms with her. My husband doesn't want her in the delivery room thank God! I'm still waiting for her to ask to be in there and I can't wait to tell her no.

aj1327 · May 2015

Honestly, I love my mother in law, but I don't even want her in the delivery room! Stand your ground for sure!

dkleid · May 2015

I would just be like would you want my mom in the room when you have a vasectomy?? If he says no (which I would think he would) be like well I dont want your mom in the delivery room where the world can see me. Oh if he hasnt been to any of the doctors visits with you have the doctor let him know that only 1 person can be in the delivery room with you and you would prefer that to be DH. Good Luck!

47923ang · May 2015

Maybe a compromise to let her visit in the hospital later in the day? But not the delivery room.

megtyrrell · May 2015

I agree with PP's... Stand your ground! It doesn't sound like she deserves to be part of such a special time in your life. You should avoid as much extra stress as possible during labor and delivery... Adding your MIL to the mix sounds like it would be unhealthy for you and baby! The only person (besides doctors and nurses, of course) allowed in the delivery room with me is my SO. He was the only other person besides me who was there when the baby was made, and he'll be the only other person there when she comes out. It's a very private, intimate time. Like PP's have said, talk with your husband and if all else fails, let the nurses at the hospital know your wishes. I definitely don't think they'd have a problem with telling your MIL to take a seat in the waiting area.

Kresla · May 2015

@megtyrrell I agree with you! It is a private moment. I'm having my own mom there but she knows it is for me, not her. She wants to support me instead of being selfish. She will take a quick pic of baby and then leave until my husband and I are ready for family.

I would imagine this gal's MIL would make it all about her and not support @sumertidwell

klkonwi · May 2015

@dkleid brilliant response! Love it.

sumertidwell · May 2015

Being around her is a nightmare. Nothing I do is right. She tried to tell.me how to say my vows at my own wedding and I nearly chocked her out. She would be in the delievery room telling me how awesome my SILS are at birthing children and why they are. Me and my husband don't have special moments that are just ours. She has to one up her other kids to us. We get pregnant she tells me us how sweet and cute our newest nephew is. Ahhhhhhh!!!!! I will have a baby alone before she ever steps foot in this room. I am so mad right now I just can only cry.

dancingram · May 2015

Stand your ground on this! There is no reason for her to be in there if you don't want her there. Make sure your nurses know when you get there who you want in the room and they will keep everyone else out. I can't believe your husband would spring that on you, it makes me wonder if she is being manipulative to him and that's why all of a sudden this came up. I love my mom and my MIL dearly, but my husband is the only one who will be in the room with me.

Kresla · May 2015

@sumertidwell I am so sorry she causes so much trouble for you. That isn't fair to you. Stand your ground and forget about her. She isn't worth your time. Let her have a relationship with your child but just cut your losses. Talk with your DH and explain your feelings without insulting his mother. It is hard but it has worked with my DH.

TLeec16 · May 2015

Definitely stand your ground and I'm all about it begin equal decision on mostly everything when it comes to being parents but in the delivery room the mom has the say on who she wants in there and who she doesn't in my eyes.
Did you ask him why on earth he would even suggest that?

aub060708 · May 2015

Agreeing with everyone else and saying stand your ground! I have a similar situation happening right now. My mil and I had a very rocky relationship over the years and everything is relatively civil at this point. She is extremely pushy and tries to manipulate my husband by using guilt over getting into the delivery room. Hubby is great and agrees that it would be uncomfortable so we talked to her together and explained nicley how that was just not going to happen. A week later she started sending him texts that she didn't want me to see telling him to change my mind and how she got to be in the room for her other grandkids (which HER daughter had) and how devestated she was to have to miss this. It looks like it's going to be a fight to the end but buttom line is we are not changing our minds. Sorry for the rant but I feel where your coming from with mother in laws!

dkleid · May 2015

klkonwi said:

@dkleid brilliant response! Love it.

Thank you!! My own MIL has made some crazy comments and has referred to doing OB when she was getting her PHD in Psychology... We just look at her and smile. She has made comments about being in the room while I am in labor but not during delivery. To which DH has stated that I dont even want my own mom in the Delivery room let alone when I am in Labor! The only person who I want to see during Deliver is the Doctor and my Husband. Everyone else can sit in the Waiting room and I dont care how long it takes!

karaelaine1991 · May 2015

Definitely stand your ground. I think it sounds like your husband is trying to rekindle his relationship with his mom, which I get, but for him to use YOUR L&D - not his, he's not the one pushing a baby out! - as the way to do so is not cool. I agree with PP that you should definitely get the nurses involved just in case MIL decides to make a surprise appearance or, God forbid, your husband decides to ignore your wishes and invite her anyway.

I'd be clear with him that having your MIL there would stress you out, but if he blows that argument off, tell him that the more people in the room, the more germs for LO. I love my MIL, but she had dropped hints about wanting to be in the delivery room (actually, before I even married DH she flat out told me that she couldn't wait to be there) and after expressing to DH a) how uncomfortable it would make me feel to have her watching me while I'm basically naked and b) how more people = more germ exposure for both me and LO, he was 100% on board with limiting witnesses to L&D to him and my sister, who's going to school to be a nurse and is basically the only person other than him who I'm okay with being in the room.

A mommy friend of mine advised me that if you're not comfortable going to the bathroom in front of a person, they shouldn't be in L&D (unless they're part of the medical staff, of course). I think this is a good rule of thumb to follow, and maybe this would be a good way to put things in perspective for your husband? Best of luck! I hope he understands where you're coming from and puts this crazy idea out of his head!

47923ang · May 2015

Question--who are you allowing into the delivery room? If it's no one but DH, it should be an easy explanation to MIL. "It'll only be the 2 of us in there."

If you're having your mom, your sister, your neighbor...(I'm being a bit facetious, but I hope you get my point) it'll be harder to explain why she's not invited.

I'm not saying your should let her in there. Because it's your choice. And under no circumstances would I want my MIL in there.

I just know if I invited my mom but not my MIL, MIL would be hurt and wouldn't understand. For me it's so easy--no one but DH and I. Grandparents can visit that afternoon.

enigmaticjj · May 2015

This makes me angry and it's not even my situation! I don't have anything new beyond reinforcing what others have said. I'd be so angry and shocked at him saying this and if I wasn't so angry/shocked I'd laugh in his face for him even thinking he had a say. It just offends me at how clearly people don't always see us as a fellow person, but as a baby producing thing that apparently has no feelings.

After he has a vasectomy and literally craps on the table doing it over several hours (oh, and walks around naked in a hospital gown sweating and in pain), while your mom or dad watches, then I'd like to hear his opinion again on his mom joining in your festivities. Sorry for the graphic image...just...so...angry for you! *Hulk Smash*

Mommaswizz · May 2015

amccoy129 said:

Honestly, I love my mother in law, but I don't even want her in the delivery room! Stand your ground for sure!

This. exactly this. Even having a great relationship with a MIL doesn't mean she should see your vagina in all it's glory. My MIL understands and is okay with joining the fiesta once my daughter is born. Your husband has to understand why you'd have some trepidation about having her there.

HayesRN13 · May 2015

If he starts a WW3 over this prior to delivery.. And can't support you over this and tell his mom to kick rocks, then it sounds like he doesn't need to be there either (harsh I know.. But seriously?? None of this would fly with me)

mlindzz · May 2015

You'll be the one in labour! You get to decide who you want in the room. The hospital staff will be following your lead on this if it comes down to it, but your partner should request your wishes.

Remind him that increase stress on you, means increased stress on baby. So go with your gut and stand your ground, it's not worth the risk in order to people please.

And be honest, if he invites her into the room and you know you'll be unhappy and resent him for it, don't sugar coat things and tell him exactly that!

janinebean84 · May 2015

I am in the same situation as you. I am wanting my in-laws to wait 2 weeks before they even come now bc of the drama they have been stirring up. I told my husband if he disobeyed my wishes when it came to them being at the hospital when I go into labor, that I would get them banned from the hospital maternity ward. Our hospital follows the wishes of the Moms, not the Dad. I know he thinks it's extreme and it is but his family is very toxic and crazy. I am not gonna risk my child's life bc I have to deal with those nut bags and have my bp go up.

Sammy K · May 2015

This makes me so mad! I think that mom alone gets to decide who is in the room. I would ask your DH why he suddenly wants her there when they don't sound close. You clearly have the support of everyone here!

dirtymartini · May 2015

NOPE! Start with your husband... if he's still pushing for it, tell him if he needs to be with his mommy he can wait in the damn waiting room with her. This is 100% your decision.

Katerina&Baby · May 2015

I'm so curious as to why your husband feels that it's appropriate for your MIL, who you're not even on speaking terms with, to attend a medical procedure of yours - one where you are essentially completely exposed at various points. Clearly MIL has asked to be in the room (I can't imagine any husband coming up with that scenario on his own) so he is going to have to be the one to give the news to his mom that no, she will NOT be in the delivery room. Out of curiosity - are you planning on allowing anyone else to be present in the delivery room? If not, this becomes very simple - if your own mother isn't allowed, why on earth would you allow your MIL?

Whatever the situation, just tell him no. Explain that you're not trying to "punish" MIL but that you sincerely would not be comfortable and why. At the end of the day, this is not a two person decision - you are (as you should be) the ONLY person who gets a say in who watches you give birth.

Best of luck and keep us updated - hopefully he will see the light quickly and not throw a hissy fit on this - it really would be better for him to support your decision and run interference with his mom.

KaLikeAWind · May 2015

I agree with everyone else. I have nothing really to add. I think pretty much every talking point has been covered. Usually I would talk about trying to make a decision together with DH (I try to have all of our decisions be made as a team) but I do believe there are some times where one partner gets absolute veto power, and this is one of them. He should back your play here. If he still insists because of some trying to reconcile urge just tell him that you are not comfortable with it in any way, and the fact that he isn't supporting you in this decision is causing you even more distress. And that's it. End of discussion on this topic. Something like this I would explain nicely but end with "if this is brought up again I'm going to shut the conversation down. I will not discuss this again". Then you can do exactly that if he comes at you about it again, and if he continues to badger you, you can restate it and then remove yourself from the conversation. It's a bit hardball, but it depends on how hard he is going to push once you have made your wishes clear. If he is still being so pushy about it after you've explained it all, etc, then at that point I would think playing hardball on your side is warranted. Besides, sometimes that's the only way to get someone to understand how firmly you stand in your decision.

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

Um I think the issue here is more that your husband thinks it's appropriate than your MIL being crazy. For him to not immediately say absolutely not to her being there is a red flag to me...

sumertidwell · May 2015

Update: hubs is home from work and we talked. He didn't actually want her in the delivery room. He doesn't actually want her at the hospital. He felt like it was the right thing to do because he wanted to be the bigger person. We talked it all out and we are back to orginal birth plan. She will find out and see him after we are out of the hospital.

I feel a lot better and he bought me some ice cream. He is a great man just really bad at texting his point. I love my husband and I am glad that we were able to work this al out.

I am also very grateful for you all who have helped me so much this afternoon. I feel so much better. You all are so wonderful.

kherman14 · May 2015

Ahhh.. texting and emailing can be confusing!

Remember it is YOUR MEDICAL EVENT, not your husband. You are giving birth, you are the boss.

I would NOT tell her when I would induced, c section, etc until I get settled down with the baby. Knowing your short history, I would set my line, no matter what!

My grandmother in law is furious with me because I won't let anyone come in to watch me deliver my kid... what the .... then that I won't let anyone come in within 24hours. I would want to wait after 24 - 48 hours nce my dh has HUGEEEEEE FAMILY!!!! So... it is crazy. I'm very very prune and private person...lol

dancegurl1118 · May 2015

@sumertidwell that's great news! I take back the side eye I was giving your husband. And ice cream heals many wounds.

sumertidwell · May 2015

aub060708 said:
Agreeing with everyone else and saying stand your ground! I have a similar situation happening right now. My mil and I had a very rocky relationship over the years and everything is relatively civil at this point. She is extremely pushy and tries to manipulate my husband by using guilt over getting into the delivery room. Hubby is great and agrees that it would be uncomfortable so we talked to her together and explained nicley how that was just not going to happen. A week later she started sending him texts that she didn't want me to see telling him to change my mind and how she got to be in the room for her other grandkids (which HER daughter had) and how devestated she was to have to miss this. It looks like it's going to be a fight to the end but buttom line is we are not changing our minds. Sorry for the rant but I feel where your coming from with mother in laws!

I am so sorry your going through this as well. It amazes me the audacity some people have. I am glad they are so excited about baby but really let us have some decency and respect our body and let us have a moment with our husband and baby. It's a moment we will never get back and we should enjoy it.

sumertidwell · May 2015

423ang said:
Question--who are you allowing into the delivery room? If it's no one but DH, it should be an easy explanation to MIL. "It'll only be the 2 of us in there."

If you're having your mom, your sister, your neighbor...(I'm being a bit facetious, but I hope you get my point) it'll be harder to explain why she's not invited.

I'm not saying your should let her in there. Because it's your choice. And under no circumstances would I want my MIL in there.

I just know if I invited my mom but not my MIL, MIL would be hurt and wouldn't understand. For me it's so easy--no one but DH and I. Grandparents can visit that afternoon.

The only people is my dh and mom.

sumertidwell · May 2015

janinebean84 said:
I am in the same situation as you. I am wanting my in-laws to wait 2 weeks before they even come now bc of the drama they have been stirring up. I told my husband if he disobeyed my wishes when it came to them being at the hospital when I go into labor, that I would get them banned from the hospital maternity ward. Our hospital follows the wishes of the Moms, not the Dad. I know he thinks it's extreme and it is but his family is very toxic and crazy. I am not gonna risk my child's life bc I have to deal with those nut bags and have my bp go up.

Exactly this. When we were talking today he was talking to my dad in by text. Not his family but mine. I said if his mom had to be there then I would go vip confidential in the hospital and no one would come period. He was like but your mom and dad. It would kill them (I am an only child and this is my first baby). I said yep it will. He them further explained what he meant.

Sammy K · May 2015

I'm glad you worked it out!

sumertidwell · May 2015

Thanks everyone. I wish I had more ice cream lol..

sumertidwell · May 2015

kherman14 said:

My grandmother in law is furious with me because I won't let anyone come in to watch me deliver my kid... what the .... then that I won't let anyone come in within 24hours. I would want to wait after 24 - 48 hours nce my dh has HUGEEEEEE FAMILY!!!! So... it is crazy. I'm very very prune and private person...lol

My husband has a huge family as well. One of his brothers have 6 kids all under 10 years old. I do not want them around connor when he is first born. His other brothers have 2 kids each and wives. Ect.. his family is very large and would only show up just to be nosey. They are the type that wil come around once and we will never see them again. But so is his mom. They want to brag and then pretend we are awful for not "letting the be around". Ugh. I don't have time for that. NTM our nephews and nieces on his family are the most rambunctious, annoying, and disrespectful kids ever.

It makes it difficult because my family is polar opposite of his and it hard to make it fair. But it's not fair. My family is there for us no matter what no questions asked. They have never turned their backs on us like his has. They love my husband for who he is not who they think he should be.

Sorry I am on my soap box tonight.

CurlyMom78 · May 2015

I don't think that DH's quite get it...don't give in!

HoosOnFirst · May 2015

Ha my DH is the opposite thankfully! We both agreed no on besides us in the labor room and even encouraged me to call my mom to make sure this is clear so I don't have to deal with it as I'm in labor. He took care of handling his family.

For those worrying about kids, check your hospital policy - we just found out ours won't allow kids under 12 unless they are siblings of the baby. Which means our niece can't come visit, which is a bummer for us, but might be a helpful buffer for some of you!

We also just found out the visiting hours don't start until 9 am, thank goodness.... I'm hoping I give birth overnight so I can keep my overly excited mom at bay for a few hours as I requested!

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