I'm all alone and have no support and I'm not sure if my baby's okay.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

Im 20 and it's my first child. The baby's due November 29th.

My moms really upset that I'm pregnant and always tell's me how unhappy she is about it. The baby's dad always denies its his and is really mean to me and blames everything on me. He won't talk without screaming at me. He's only 19. I just feel so alone and scared.

The baby's my only family now. And I can't sleep at night because I'm not sure if it's okay. I wake up from nightmares about miscarriaging and can't go back to sleep. Especially "missed miscarriages." I've had no bleeding or pain. But they seem like they're common.

I heard the heartbeat at 11 weeks 5 days. It was 160. I'm 12 weeks 1 day now. But now I feel absolutely nothing. No sore breasts, no nausea, my stomach isn't getting any bigger, no cramps, etc. I feel nothing.

If anything is wrong with the baby I would quite literally die. I wouldnt be able to live if something happened. I love it so much already.

VexyMommy · May 2015

Many women's symptoms subside around 12 weeks, so that seems quite normal. Your doctor should be able to reassure you if you call and ask questions.

Have you gone to your local medicaid and/or wic office? They have a number of resources for you to get some help and maybe someone to talk to about how you're feeling. The medicaid office in SC when I had my first offered free paternity tests when I applied for medicaid. Establishing paternity to a legal standard may help eliminate some of the issues with the child's father. At this point, it sounds like continuing contact with him may not be healthy for either of you. When you talk to someone at the WIC or Medicaid offices I suggest you asking them when you can file for child support in your state. If things are turning bad with your mother, it might be helpful to have a source of income that you can use to support yourself and your child (assuming you're not already doing so.) Check into what help as far as housing and food assistance is available to you. If you're looking into going into this pregnancy alone, I suggest you take advantage of whatever assistance you need to keep yourself and your child out of a situation that sounds potentially abusive.

BlueWaffleSpeshul · May 2015

I'm also going to suggest that you try to look into some counseling if you can. A few of your statements are concerning and having someone to talk to may help with some of the anxiety you are experiencing.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

Thanks I am in touch with WIC and Medicaid. I have 3 jobs and I'm going to school again in the fall. The baby's dad would never get physical with me. I'm just scared because he's leaving me.

And I'm always scared I had a missed miscarriage. Even though I heard a heartbeat 3 days ago. I'm 12 weeks now. I've been considering renting a fetal Doppler to help ease my mind. Miscarriaging the baby is my only real fear right now. My doctor doesn't seem afraid of that. But I think I've been reading too many online stories lately.

dogsombrero · May 2015

To echo PPs if you are eligible for WIC/Medicaid/Snap Medicaid does cover mental health benefits. You have a lot on your plate and having a safe space to talk through everything you are dealing with is a very good idea. Please make an appointment with your State's health department to discuss all the assistance that is available to you if you haven't already.

VexyMommy · May 2015

I'm not saying this is the case in your situation, but I volunteered at a rape crisis hotline and a women's shelter for a while in college. It's hard to believe how many women who walked through the doors saying, "I never thought he would hit me." or worse yet, "I never thought he would hit our children." I also say this as a woman who had a man who would "never get physical with her" but would yell at me and scream when he got upset, until he did more than that. Just be careful. Your instincts seem to be awesome. You're obviously a very protective mother already. Trust that side of yourself right now and put yourself and your child first. Protect yourself from abuse both physical and mental from whomever it is coming from. Good luck and if you want someone to talk to there are lots of us ladies on here willing to listen.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

This is the best advice I've gotten.

marleybunny · May 2015

Aww this really broke my heart. I know its hard to stay positive about baby being ok. I have the same problem but just try to be strong and believe the baby is ok. Enjoy your pregnancy girl! Praying helps also. Also you should seek counseling or maybe doing something like volunteering which will help make you feel better.

khristenn · May 2015

I don't know if someone else said this and I missed it but its best for you and your baby's health to try to not to worry so much. You put more stress on yourself and the child by thinking about all the things that may or may not happen. I am a worrier too but I try to keep my mind off of the bad things as I know its not healthy. Try to think happy thoughts about what a good mom you are going to be, decorating, showers, and so forth and I will be praying for you and baby!

PS Im a little over 14 weeks and have had no symptoms my entire pregnancy and am still not showing and baby was just great last sonogram so just be thankful that you are not bent over the toilet all the time.

thefithuntress · May 2015

I'm sorry your journey is a hard one. I don't think a fetal doppler is a good idea. It might only make you worry and stress more! You should allow yourself to have a little fun. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe something artistic like drawing or taking pictures or keeping a journal? Just know that your health and happiness is first and foremost right now because it's what will make a happy and healthy baby. You certainly aren't alone and can turn here for support, but I echo the recommendations of previous posters for some counseling to get you in a positive headspace. Good luck.

kmkrushi · May 2015

As far as your mom goes, she may just be upset because it wasn't the life she envisioned for her daughter. Give her some time and wait till she meets her grandchild, she'll fall in love like you already are. I think some counseling would be a great idea. You're also still so young, counseling could also be a great way to figure out what you want to do as well. You're already so responsible with working three jobs and plans for school. It may help you focus on the end goal.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

Can I just ask. At myast appointment I was asked if I wanted to get testing done for the baby. For like Down syndrome or something like that. And I said no. Was that a bad decision? I said no because neither of us have people in our family who have had something like that. I'm starting to regret my decision. I hope I can switch my decision.

VexyMommy · May 2015

It's not a bad decision either way. I decided against it because it wouldn't change the way I handled the pregnancy and I feel there is little that I could do to prepare for many of the issues. You can probably request that you get the tests done if you really feel you want them.

And sweetie, breathe. You can do this. From what you said about the jobs you're working and going to school you know how to bust your butt and make things work. You will make this work too. You're obviously motivated to make the right decisions for your child. Give yourself the room to make some mistakes too. There will be the day (lots of them if you're like me) that you do something "wrong" according to the books or your family and it will be ok. I was terrified during my first pregnancy of doing things wrong. With the gift of hindsight I see that all the anxiety that attitude caused me was worse for the baby than zigging when zagging would have maybe been better in the long run. You and your child will be ok. You can do this.

Stephanieshort2 · May 2015

I would stay away from any articles or forum topics about miscarriage. It sounds like the baby is doing okay and you don't want to stress about the what-Ifs. If you want something to read, look for parenting blogs as those are much brighter generally speaking. And as the others said, just breathe! I know things seem bad now but you are a fighter and you will get through this! Your baby is in good hands

Laura&brad1 · May 2015

I know it's hard I have been exactly the same with worry having had a precious loss myself but I saw the heartbeat and it gave me hope so now I am just trying to stay positive cos at te end of the day what will be will be there's nothing any of us can do to stop it if it's going to happen so we an only look after ourselfs eat well rest when u can and try not to stress you will be a great mum and when u are finally holding your wee one it will have all been worth it! Even when our children are born we still worry! It's just what mothers do! Your doing great give yourself a break U will go crazy otherwise! And don't google! I drove myself crazy googling the first few weeks! X all the best

dogsombrero · May 2015

oliveoil95 said:
Can I just ask. At myast appointment I was asked if I wanted to get testing done for the baby. For like Down syndrome or something like that. And I said no. Was that a bad decision? I said no because neither of us have people in our family who have had something like that. I'm starting to regret my decision. I hope I can switch my decision.

Based on your anxiety this is not a bad decision. Your anatomy scan will show possible issues so you will not be going into the delivery room without knowledge. Your risk is very low so extra testing is not necessary for you- especially if waiting for results will cause you distress. I would avoid getting a doppler because if you have trouble finding the heartbeat the first time it may send you into panic/stress mode even though there is probably no issue (just the fact that you aren't a trained to use it).

helsbels222 · May 2015

I'm 12 weeks and have no symtoms. I was nervous last week but got to listen to the heartbeat at the doctor's and it helped. Maybe if you call your doctor, they'll let you go in for a quick listen on the doppler. Also, check with your insurance company, WiC, or social services they may help you obtain a doppler. It's not too late if you chose to have the NT scan done. I am going Wednesday and I believe you can have it done through 13 weeks. I can imagine this is a scary time for you but you have so many resources and organizations willing to help. You can do this, just try to relax for you and your baby. Good luck!

MariSlater · May 2015

Ohh hun. It's alright. 12 weeks symptoms will subside. And then when you get into your second trimester a lot of it will go away. I am so sorry you're somewhat stressed and I hope things get better for you. As for miscarriage, it's already low to begin with and after your 12th week it drops even lower. As everyone else has said, check with your local resources for help. And of course, us here on the boards don't mind lending an ear either. Best of luck! Just try not to stress and think of seeing your little baby.

babybean0015 · May 2015

I love how everyone gave her very practical advice. I couldn't have said it better my self. She needs all the assistance available to make it on her own for her baby.

mommynorris · May 2015

I'll pray for you! From everything I have been told and read the risk of miscarriage decreases significantly after hearing the heartbeat around 12 weeks. If you aren't already involved with a church it may help to seek one out. Churches are full of love and support!

Meganb005 · May 2015

I know the anxious feelings about baby being ok. It took us a year of infertility treatment (not long compared to others but it felt like an eternity to us)before we tried IUI and that worked the first time. I'm still in shock and thinking it's too good to be true even though I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, heard and saw the baby 3 times and all my blood work came back normal. The best advice I can give you in that regard is to talk to someone that has been pregnant. It helps me to compare symptoms at this point and to be able to hold/play with their baby and hope towards the future. I agree with a pp that maybe the genetic testing might stress you out more, I chose not to get it because I wouldn't change the pregnancy for anything and I'm a worrier. The entire time I waited on the results I would have stressed out. Do what you can to relax, have positive thoughts, if you pray, pray. Buy a little something for baby so you have something tangible to hold on to. It sounds like you are a very responsible young woman and that baby is blessed to have you as a mom!!

kayleathers · May 2015

Direct message me love. I'm 21 and have a ton of crap and unsupportive people in my life. My situation is a little different... I don't necessarily want to put it out publicly for all of these judgemental people to read, but I would love to chat and support each other. I'll send you a message in a bit

oliveoil95 · May 2015

It's honestly made me cry how amazing you guys all are. Thanks for all of the advice. I have been more calm since posting this on here. It's really been helping me talking to people who are pregnant as well. I think for now on when I'm looking for pregnancy information I'll come on here. Whenever I use google I get brought to scary stories that make me
Worry about my baby.

I keep on trying to tell myself that my body was made to do this. I'm only 20 so my body can handle this pregnancy. And all the doctors don't seem worried. It's only me worried. And I heard the heartbeat last Friday at 11 weeks 5 days. It's was 160. I've had no blood or extreme pain. The baby must be fine. I tell myself all of this everyday. I have to. It helps me get by.

I blocked my phone from going to anything about "missed miscarriages." It's been the cause of all of my anxiety from the very beginning.

phyllisnefler · May 2015

@oliveoil95 Best of luck to you, and hang in there -- I know how scary it is and I know that your situation only compounds these fears! The exciting news is that you seem to have no high risk factors and, just like you said, your body is made to do this. It's amazing what our bodies can do and this is a chapter in our lives where we are learning more about that every day!

This has been a fantastic thread and one I will point people to when they gripe about the tenor of this board.

VexyMommy · May 2015

Instead of google, perhaps a book like What to Expect When Expecting would be good for you. It has the common information you need without all of the scary stuff the internet can come back with. It lets you know what is common from week to week and addresses concerns such as your original one about a sudden lack of symptoms.

phyllisnefler · May 2015

To add to @vexymommy's recommendation, one book I recently got that I LOVE is The Pregnant Body Book:

https://www.amazon.com/The-Pregnant-Body-Book-Publishing/dp/0756675596

It's pricey but maybe if you look around you can find a used copy for cheaper, or perhaps a local library will have it available to take out.

What I love about it most is how clinical it is - it's more like a science textbook, with huge gorgeous pictures of development throughout the whole pregnancy, of the changes that happen to your body, etc. For me it has helped reinforce the idea that our bodies are supposed to do this. And I've also learned a lot! It's a really nice complement to some of the more cutesy (ugh) pregnancy-related books on the market that I have a hard time relating to.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

That's a fantastic idea! I'm so interested about what's going on with my body right now. That's why I started doing a lot of research on Google. But my fascination is what led me to the scary stuff on Google about pregnancy. Our bodies as women are so amazing!

It's funny that I'm into doing all this research now. As a child I was terrified of pregnant woman. Their stomachs scared me and I didn't understand why their belly buttons stuck out like that.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

Wow that book looks like something I would really be into. Very nice pictures. This book and What to Expect When your're Expecting seem like worthy investments!

thefithuntress · May 2015

@oliveoil95 I'm going to PM you. Check your messages.

urby87 · May 2015

khristenn said:
I don't know if someone else said this and I missed it but its best for you and your baby's health to try to not to worry so much. You put more stress on yourself and the child by thinking about all the things that may or may not happen. I am a worrier too but I try to keep my mind off of the bad things as I know its not healthy. Try to think happy thoughts about what a good mom you are going to be, decorating, showers, and so forth and I will be praying for you and baby!
PS Im a little over 14 weeks and have had no symptoms my entire pregnancy and am still not showing and baby was just great last sonogram so just be thankful that you are not bent over the toilet all the time.

thefithuntress said:
I'm sorry your journey is a hard one. I don't think a fetal doppler is a good idea. It might only make you worry and stress more! You should allow yourself to have a little fun. Do you have any hobbies? Maybe something artistic like drawing or taking pictures or keeping a journal? Just know that your health and happiness is first and foremost right now because it's what will make a happy and healthy baby. You certainly aren't alone and can turn here for support, but I echo the recommendations of previous posters for some counseling to get you in a positive headspace. Good luck.

A) I was told the exact same thing by the NP at my appointment this morning: the stress is probably worse for the baby than anything you're worrying about. I'm extremely anxious by nature, and always thinking about worst case scenarios. I'm terrified of a missed miscarriage. But after hearing movements and a heartbeat at my appointment, an having made it this far, I know I need to relax and try not to think about what could go wrong. I know it's hard, but it's not good for the baby to worry so much.

I agree so much with the doppler probably not being a good idea. If you aren't trained on what to listen for (I was concerned, but the NP could hear movements, which she pointed out to me a couple of times later) or how to get the baby into a more favorable position, it might just cause you more worry. I think I heard my own heartbeat three times before we got one from the baby, and that was with a trained professional using the device.

jtaylor14 · May 2015

We are literally one in the same people ... if you have a Facebook or kik we can talk... for support

andrewamym · May 2015

Your story broke my heart....hang in there girl. Sometimes in the midst of a storm it's hard to see life getting Any easier/better....but there always is a reason behind every struggle and it will get easier! You'll look back on this difficult time someday and realize how far you've come and how much you've grown and learned. I admire your strength, having a mom and a boyfriend that do not support you woukd be really hard. Give your mom some time, I'm sure she'll come around. You don't have a choice as to how others will treat you, but you always have a choice with how you respond and the decisions you make. Your love for your baby already speaks volumes about how good of a person you are and I think you are going to be a wonderful mother. Keep reaching for support and take it from those who offer to help. God doesn't expect us to do life alone. He will open doors for you. I'll be praying for you and your babe.

oliveoil95 · May 2015

I'm still trying to figure out how I check my email on here lol.

SoFlaMommie1128 · May 2015

@oliveoil95 I'm thinking of you and sending lots of support your way! I hope all the wonderful advice from the ladies on this board brings you comfort and peace. I'm due just a day before you, on November 28! We're all here for one another and you aren't alone.

missemmawoodhouse · May 2015

Link to PMs:
https://forums.thebump.com/messages/inbox

poprockS17 · May 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine! Hugs and prayers for you and your little one!!

blea711 · May 2015

I am also 20 and it's my first baby! Congratulations! I am also going through this alone with the baby's father pressuring me to abort or go for adoption. If I didn't have the support of my large family I don't know what I would do. The thing we have to realize is, it is all going to be okay. Hopefully now that you are farther along, your fears of miscarriage have subsided. They are normal though...you don't feel much until you get up to 16-22 weeks! Ultimately, this is your decision and your responsibility, which is an empowering thought!! You love this child so much already, and that is going to be what's best. I would recommend as others said working with the state and government to have some help with medical fees etc. I would also recommend seeing a counselor which I have been doing myself--really helps to figure out what YOU want in the midst of hormones, pressure from others and not to mention crazy mood swings. I hope this helps!!! Congratulations again!

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