Ever walk in on your SO 'pleasuring himself'?

angholc10 · May 2015

I am interested in feedback both while pregnant and not pregnant I guess. I am probably the least sexual woman on the planet...have always been that way and whileit doesn't bother me, I understand it can cause tension on his part. He understands I am the way I am plus I leave the house for work at 6:40 a.m. and don't get home until 7 p.m. So I feel at fault for him having to pleasure himself but he doesn't complain much about it. We have a very healthy relationship otherwise and are both trustworthy and loyal. With all of that being said, he works from home and will be the stay at home dad. Can he not do this while I'm away and chance me walking in on him? I feel very selfish for being hurt by this so I need some advice before mentioning it to him. The thing that is bothering me the most is that he needs his phone to do this. I know it's probably porn he is using.... What's everyone's input ?

kary12345 · May 2015

What part upsets you? The porn? The masturbation? The fact that you saw it?

LaurenNewph · May 2015

I think it's just something all men do, so I wouldn't worry about it. If a man says he doesn't there is a good chance he is probably lying. I also know that in my situation my husband would never put our son in a dangerous position just to have a little man time, and I'm sure your husband would be the same way. I find it best to be open with my husband when it comes to this stuff, and he is very open with me. I wouldn't worry too much!

bpv101283 · May 2015

I'm not 100% sure what your asking. You want him to do it while your out so you don't walk in on him? That seems reasonable enough.

I'm pretty sure DH masturbates but I don't think about it. It doesn't bug me and we have a strong sexual relationship. I do it sometimes without him when I just feel like orgasming. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.

kjjellybean · May 2015

I don't have any personal experience with this but If you are home he should be coming to you first and foremost. Men typically need some form of stimulation(pics,porn). The only reason I'd be upset is simply because he didn't come to you before taking care of business himself.

jmacd22 · May 2015

Like PP said, it's something all men do so I wouldn't be upset about it.

angholc10 · May 2015

I think the part about needing his phone to do it is allowing my mind to race about who he is talking to or who he is looking at while doing it. I am divorced and my ex talked to other women, hid his phone under his pillow, etc so I think I'm letting old feelings cloud my thoughts on this problem. I am 100% my fiance would never talk to anyone else while doing it bc we have had that talk before and we both feel it is considered cheating to us. I'm thinking talking to him is going to solve the hurt feelings. I just was wondering what everyone thought.

barrelocarol · May 2015

Porn is rarely about the sexuality. It's usually about the desire for the physical bond.

Regardless of how anyone feels about porn...maybe you could offer him something other than sex, if you're not interested at the moment.

Maybe just opening the dialogue about what he would crave, something you two could work out together?

I'm sure you've had many conversations around this. Just wanted to write it out.

KissMeImScottish · May 2015

@LaurenNewph, while I agree that all men do probably do this (and many women do as well), I disagree about the nonchalant attitude about it. I know for a fact that this is something that my husband does exclusively when he is underway on the submarine for more than a week or so and does not do when he is home with me. I don't need to go I to depth about how I know this, but suffice to say that there is not enough private space in our little 950 square foot house for him to do this that I wouldn't be aware. I don't fault him for taking care of himself when he is out to sea - it would be ridiculous to expect otherwise when he is gone that long.

That said, our situation, where sexual needs are met as a partnership, did not just happen over night and is the result of several discussions my husband and I had about how it upset me. I should state that my husband and I have a VERY active sex life (less than four times a week for us is a dry spell) and we both liken it that way. I have also not been shy about providing my husband with material, as it were, for when he is out to sea.

I mention that last part because I think it is important to identify, as @kary12345 said, what it is that bothers you. For me, it wasn't the masturbation that upset me, it was the use of pornographic material, which to me equates to emotional cheating (agree or disagree, it's still my personal feeling) and I am especially sensitive to it because I was cheated on by my ex for seven months prior to meeting my husband. When we talked about it, my husband was very understanding. I also saw the need for some give, however, hence my willingness to provide photos for my husband. It gives him an outlet and makes me actually feel sexy, knowing that my husband is turned on by me. It even makes me feel included in the process when I am not able to be, since he is away. It is what works for us.

It doesn't sound like what bothers you is the "me time", since you've admitted that sex isn't something you crave and that he is ok with that. I think that's where you start that discussion, with a positive, before identifying what, exactly, is bothering you. Once you know why, exactly, you're upset, you and he can work on a solution that works for both of you and that will not cause tension between you.

verveine407 · May 2015

I am more sad that you think you are the least sexual person on the planet! Having kids requires a strong connection between the parents, if the whole unit is going to survive intact. Sex, but more specifically intimacy, is really good at stengthening that bond (no kidding right?). Maybe you could participate with him while he masturbates? Or maybe a professional sex therapist could help you get in touch with your sexy side? At any rate if you are going to be strictly "hands off" you can't really complain about what he does alone especially in that you know he is trustworthy.

AndieTessie · May 2015

If you are uncomfortable with him watching/looking at porn maybe send him a few pics of yourself? That way you can still stay in your comfort zone and he can still get what he needs but still be connected in that way.

jenn2132 · May 2015

I think the only time this would bother me is if my husband didn't want sex but I found him looking at porn to get off. Otherwise if I was the one not wanting it I couldn't really blame him. Masturbation in my opinion is very natural for men and women alike and most of us need a little stimulation and I'd much rather he get it from porn than go out and do something about it with someone else. Maybe you can compromise, sex is very important to a relationship and while you can't help your low libido your husband needs that gratification from you in some form. Maybe you can talk to him and let him know you aren't upset he's masturbating but ask if there is something you can help do so he doesn't need to rely on it and in turn it helps keep you connected as a couple.

kary12345 · May 2015

I think if you are not very sexual then he probably needs to take care of himself. Instead of pressuring you or making you feel bad about your low sex drive he is take matters into his own hands. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Sometimes when I'm not in the mood my husband will masturbate but I will talk dirty to him. Then I don't have to preform but he isn't watching porn either. Maybe try that.

irenejean · May 2015

I agree with what @verveine407 said. If it bothered you that you walked in on him, maybe you could ask him to take care of his needs when he won't be risking you walking in on him? It sounds like you have a regular schedule, it should be easy for him to do what he needs to do without you walking in on it. And if your schedule changes for a day, it seems easy enough for you to give him a heads up.

excited2bmommy09 · May 2015

I wouldn't be upset by it especially if you aren't into engaging him sexually yourself. I personally would be hurt if my SO did that while I was home, but only because I would want to be involved in his sexual activity and he knows it. If you don't want to be, then he's got to do what he's got to do. This may be my horny pregnant side (and inappropriate side!), but if I walked in on him taking care of business on his own I think I'd be way too turned on to leave him alone to finish by himself! Hahaa!

quincysmommy · May 2015

I have never walked in on my husband pleasuring himself. We are very open and if we don't feel like having full on inter course, we let each other know what we are going to go do. I give him his space, and he gives me mine when we are doing that. Porn shouldn't be a big deal. I'd rather my husband watch porn than actually go out and do something with someone else because our sex life is lacking. My husband and I have watched porn together, so I feel completely comfortable with it. If you are one of those women who don't feel comfortable with him watching porn, then express your feelings to him and let him know. But you also have to understand that a lot of men need something to look at while doing that.

str13 · May 2015

I agree with pp that you need to explore which part is exactly what's causing you pain. And be honest with him that some of your old ghosts are haunting you, so to speak. And if fidelity was an issue in one of your previous relationships, it's bound to creep in and make you uneasy even though the relationship is perfectly healthy and honest.
I just blurt out to DH what's bothering me, but he does the same. You should talk to him and see if y'all can work out what's bothering you about him masturbating, and if there's some middle ground that works for everyone.

angholc10 · May 2015

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I enjoy hearing others point of views. We will talk tonight bc I know communication is key for a long lasting healthy relationship. And sorry about the off topic subject. I just wasn't comfortable speaking about this to anyone else.

vicks3590 · May 2015

Didnt get a chance to read all the comments but just wanted to mention something interesting about porn use I know some will disagree or agree but there is a study that says porn is more addiction them meth and hard core drugs and is very hard for a man/women to leave that habit that being said iam sorry you had to walk in on your husband and iam not saying he is addicted in any way or form but its something I saw and did some research on it but I would have a honest conversation with him and if you didnt like that then ask him to stop or whatever your asking make sure your clear about what you want and dont want and again sorry you had to deal with this hope I help on anyway sending hugs

nickc2cute · May 2015

I know exactly how you feel but in a different way. My husband turned me down over and over again and then I would find porn in his phone and would know he would masturbate instead. I truly feel as if he's addicted. He says he doesn't do it as frequently now but I think he'd just better at hiding it. If hurts deeply especially since I've never had this problem in the past with other men and plenty would love to satisfy me. I have no advice for you but wish you luck and hope that your husband understands your feelings.

yessirio · May 2015

My fiance watch porn all the time n we have a good sex life... it doesn't bother me at all the only thing I told him is he better start using WiFi instead of our minutes lol ( he uses the phone too ) but anyway the only thing I can tell u is to talk to him n let him know how u feel...
Good luck!

shelbydd · May 2015

I maybe in the minority here but I don't really see the issue.. other than the fact that it's just awkward to walk in on anyone masturbating. We're all adults, everyone does it (or most adults do, at least) even people with healthy active sex lives. My husband and I are very active in the bedroom but I still do it sometimes and I know he does as well. It's not always about wanting sex. Sometimes you just want that quick release and move on. Don't take it personally.

Kfraz3 · May 2015

If YOU are not going to have sex with your own husband then you can't get upset if he masturbates. Bottom line... Sorry but it's what I think. If you were having sex with him and he was doing it on his own too then maybe you could be a tiny bit hurt, but if you're a sexless person, you can't be upset at him. Not being a super sexual woman is totally fine, it's who you are. But at the same time you can't get pissed at him for being sexual.

Kfraz3 · May 2015

Maybe help him out next time... Offer a boob and make some sounds like you enjoy it.... I know this is a place for ladies only... Ahem... But be the porn star he is seeking.... If he's a good man to you then it's a way to reward him. Obviously if a guy is a total jerk than no... Don't give him that. But sounds like your guy is super! Sorry for the 2 posts!! I have always felt strongly about taking care of a man that takes care of you!! Good luck! And have fun! \m/

vicks3590 · May 2015

Interesting comment or fact but did anyone ever stop and think how porn is all connected to women being abused around the word and are forced to have sex and children that are sold then raped and force in to the business and by watching that it gives these people more reason keep selling children and raping women just a thought not trying to be mean but its something to look into and do some research

mybabynumber2 · May 2015

I've never walked in on hubby masturbating. When he worked away on the roads, I knew he must have been having wank here and there, it's natural, he's all man with a HUGE sex drive. So he didn't go down the porn route, I'd send him pics of me which he loved!

We've talked about porn loads of times, even watched it together, but if I thought he was watching it alone, it would bother me, just cos I'd get jealous that he's gettin off on someone that isn't me. Call me silly, but that's just me. I know he'd feel the same if it was me pleasuring myself and watching porn at the same time.
Luckily I didn't feel the need to look at porn if I fancied a quick orgasm lol. ;-)

I think you need to have a good chat with hubby, explain how you feel, see how he's feeling and what he thinks about it all.

There was a spell I had were I wasn't really interested in sex, I was having some health problems, nothing physical, I just lost interest for a while, during that time, I'd force myself to concentrate on him, give him a blow job or help him 'get off' by talking dirty to him or doing it for him.
I know he was relieving himself during that time, fair play to him I say. Didn't see why he should suffer when I wasn't up for it.

Communication is deffo the key. It clarifies things, gets everything out in the open so no one gets jealous or hurt if you later find out something you don't like him doing i.e watching porn.

Good luck sweet :-)

chelsea+summer · May 2015

mybabynumber2 said:
I've never walked in on hubby masturbating. When he worked away on the roads, I knew he must have been having wank here and there, it's natural, he's all man with a HUGE sex drive. So he didn't go down the porn route, I'd send him pics of me which he loved!

We've talked about porn loads of times, even watched it together, but if I thought he was watching it alone, it would bother me, just cos I'd get jealous that he's gettin off on someone that isn't me. Call me silly, but that's just me. I know he'd feel the same if it was me pleasuring myself and watching porn at the same time.
Luckily I didn't feel the need to look at porn if I fancied a quick orgasm lol. ;-)

I think you need to have a good chat with hubby, explain how you feel, see how he's feeling and what he thinks about it all.

There was a spell I had were I wasn't really interested in sex, I was having some health problems, nothing physical, I just lost interest for a while, during that time, I'd force myself to concentrate on him, give him a blow job or help him 'get off' by talking dirty to him or doing it for him.
I know he was relieving himself during that time, fair play to him I say. Didn't see why he should suffer when I wasn't up for it.

Communication is deffo the key. It clarifies things, gets everything out in the open so no one gets jealous or hurt if you later find out something you don't like him doing i.e watching porn.

Good luck swe

Love your honesty gal! Spot on =D>

mybabynumber2 · May 2015

@chelsea+summer thank you ! :-)

PreggersinParis · May 2015

I've been wondering about this, since things have been rather cool between the sheets since we found out we're having a baby. I feel bad that if he is relieving himself (using whatever materials he sees fit) it would absolutely not be a problem, I know I've stroked out a few in these past five months.

Whenever I think of a wife walking in on a her husband masturbating, Sex and the City immediately comes to mind where Charlotte walks in on Trey! Hey, OP, how about that for an idea? Tape photos of yourself in one of his nudie mags? Or perhaps consider the advice from the other ladies and supply saucy photos of yourself? Could be fun! Good luck!

sphillips18 · May 2015

I came into this relationship with my husband knowing how much he watched porn and stuff and honestly I walk in on him a lot. It makes me laugh and he gets embarrassed but I walk away and let him do his thing. I mean, I watch porn sometimes too so I don't have much to say about him watching it. If it's bothering you just have a talk with him about it.

JenLovesDesign · May 2015

We have the don't ask don't tell policy at our house. If I find porn around, I throw it away, and he's so shy he would never ask me about where his porn went. That being said, I just throw it away, I don't confront him about it. I don't really like the fact that he enjoys looking at other women, but I also know it's just what guys do.

kzangs15 · May 2015

Consider trying new things in your sex life. You said you're the least sexual person on the planet, but perhaps you just haven't found what excites you. Try watching porn with him or incorporating sex toys, role playing, etc. into your sex life, you may find it more arousing than you think you would. If you don't know what you'd like to try, ask your husband if there's something he'd like to try or a fantasy of his. You may be more into it knowing that you're fulfilling a fantasy of his. Have an open mind!!
I agree with pp that sex is important in feeling connected in a relationship, as well as a good outlet for stress! Even if you don't feel like engaging in sex at the time, "assist" him when he needs a release. You can undress in front of him, touch or kiss him, or do more if you get into it.
Explore different things and don't feel guilty or embarrassed about it...hopefully you'll find out what turns you on in the process. Good luck!!

bpv101283 · May 2015

vicks3590 said:
Interesting comment or fact but did anyone ever stop and think how porn is all connected to women being abused around the word and are forced to have sex and children that are sold then raped and force in to the business and by watching that it gives these people more reason keep selling children and raping women just a thought not trying to be mean but its something to look into and do some research

I think this is a bit unfair. Yes, porn can be exploitive, however these are paid actors mostly. I know for sure my hubby isn't watching child porn or trafficked porn. The clothes you wear are made by child slaves in Bangledesh (old navy and others have been caught). The fruit you eat is picked by child slaves and trafficked Latin American people (Driscolls strawberries to name one). There is a lot of injustice in the world so the research aspect is key. Porn made by a licensed production company is likely made legally.

martruby · May 2015

Wow kudos to you ladies that don't mind it. I admire you! I know of only 2 times that my husband has looked at naked girls, 1 time on the computer and 1 time on his phone. Being that my husband has the lowest libido in the world (and I'm completely opposite) it was a huge blow to my self-esteem and I began questioning him about whether or not he still found me attractive, sexy. What upset me the most was that I'm always ready and willing! He is a very affectionate, loving man and is always willing/wanting to give me an orgasm even if he goes without so I guess I should count my blessings $:\$ ">. We suspect he has ED n thankfully he has seen a Dr for it. He explained that he looked at the images in order to get aroused to be able to perform better with me. Supposedly he had me in mind. (The jury is still out on that one lol). Still, when we go longer without sex than I'd like, I begin questioning him about whether he's been looking at pics again. Seriously, kudos to u ladies for not thinking it's a big deal. I want to be like u when I grow up! =D>

theglitteredpterodactyl · May 2015

Lawls for days at setting this topic after the whole angry thread about talking about your husband on the internet. I'm not judging, I just think it's a hilarious contrast.

I talk to my partner whenever I write about him on the internet, and when I was loling about this thread to him, he gave me very clear permission that he doesn't mind me talking about his sexual habits. Which was cute.

I think it's healthy for a person to masturbate regardless of if they have a sexual partner. I think it's good for people to stay connected to their own bodies, and like other pps said, sometimes it's just about the release. Nothing wrong with that. As for porn--it's a visual simulant to help get the job done. We're naturally sexual creatures and I think especially if it becomes a couple activity as well as a solo experience, poem becomes a lot less threatening and a lot more fun. I also think fantasies are done--my partner knows I have my own fantasies even while it's the two of us because lately I've needed them--pregnancy had killlllllled my mojo. He's not threatened by them because we trust each other and don't expect each other to have some kind of tunnel vision sexually.

To me, it boils down to communication and openness. Are you comfortable talking to your partner about your sexual needs? About their sexual needs? Can they tell you what they need without feeling judged? Without shame? Can you do the same? Those are way more important issues than whether or not they wank. Although I'm on Team Yay Masturbation, so I'm biased I guess.

Nikkilenae · May 2015

Masturbation is completely normal and part of a healthy sex life. If it bothers you then why not join him? I myself have had a lower sexdrive since getting pregnant, but I please my hubby in other ways almost daily. Use your hands, mouth, boobs, etc. and he'll be satisfied and excited you took the effort. Flip side.....it's fun for the both of you!!!

vicks3590 · May 2015

nikkidavis421 · May 2015

I also feel like I am the least sexual person on the planet so I know 100% how you feel. DH and I always joke about how I could probably go years without having sex and it wouldn't bother me one bit...and sadly, that's probably true. However, DH is a very sexual person and I'd much rather have me be the one pleasuring him instead of himself so we make sure we have sex at least twice a week. He's very open about masturbation and he does admit that he does it sometimes but I know it's only while he's in the shower so I don't have to worry about him having his phone in there and looking at porn while he's doing it! lol Plus, he normally only does it during the weeks that I have my period so now that I'm pregnant, I'm sure it's been a long time since he's actually done it.

Basically the point I'm getting at is even though you're not always up for having sex, maybe it's a sacrifice you could make for your husband? Masturbation may not seem to bother your hubby but I can guarantee you that intercourse feels a million times better than a hand job!

mybabynumber2 · May 2015

@preggersinparis

) 'I know I've stroked out a few in these past five months.'

)

Mehilovna · May 2015

theglitteredpterodactyl said:
Lawls for days at setting this topic after the whole angry thread about talking about your husband on the internet. I'm not judging, I just think it's a hilarious contrast.

First thing I thought of! Lol!

QueenWaldorf · May 2015

I totally agree with everyone saying it's all normal and healthy. Sex is human nature and when you aren't gettin any people satisfy their urges themselves.
To say your SO doesn't masturbate or look a other women is quite naive and even if he looks at porn your SO loves you not some naked chick he's never met.

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