YAY!! possible trigger post AND UO all in one!!!

ashd918 · May 2015

K. Im just gonna say it. I am not excited for this baby. Would even venture to go so far as to say I don't want it. At all. Backstory, married, been together for ten years, my husband and I both have good careers and are over the moon with our two girls, 4 and 2. A third was not in the plan. We were actively preventing it. I was on the nuva ring, which is pretty fool proof and hasnt let me down yet. Ever since we found out, ive tried wrapping my head around it, but I dont feel any connection to this little being and , here it comes, have prayed fervently for a miscarriage. I feel so badly. Especially watching the poor women in here that go through horrendous mcs and desperately wanted that baby. I feel selfish, like this shouldnt make me feel this way and every childs a blessing but I just cant. Having a newborn and starting over literally makes me want to cry. I feel like I dont have enough love to go around. And what kind of a life is that for a child to be born into??? Im running out of time to take matters into my own hands, and tbh I probably wouldnt. If anything, I would be open to adoption, but I doubt I could get my husband to go along with that. Who knows. Maybe it'll get better as it goes. And listen, I dont need any judgemental comments telling me what a horrible person I am. Trust me. I already know and nothing you could say could make me feel worse that I make myself feel. So I guess I just needed to say it. Get it out. I am not happy to be having this baby, and im an a**hole. Thats pretty much it. Does ANYBODY else feel this way? And if you do and dont want to put it out there, send me a pm please. Give me hope. Especially if you did and it turned out ok. Thanks, I appreciate being able to say this here, even if I cant anywhere else

mmk29 · May 2015

You're still fairly early for a connection to the baby if it caught you by surprise while you were actively trying not to. I connected a lot more with my last pregnancy after I started feeling the baby moving. Maybe you just need more time, especially if you love the two you have so much. Although, if you make it to 7/8 months and still feel this way then maybe you should start talking more seriously about adoption. Good luck with everything.

ashleywuli · May 2015

I really have no words. I will pray that you either find peace with this baby or find the ability to give it up for adoption. I know this must be a very tough time for you. Best of luck with whatever you choose.

Edit*. There are plenty of wonderful families that would adore your baby. So please keep an open mind about adoption.

kestes946 · May 2015

I'm thinking time will help in this situation. And once the baby is born you'll prob feel differently. But dido what the other ladies said. I'll be praying for you and will hope for a change of heart.

ashd918 · May 2015

Thats the thing. I think adoption is a wonderful thing and I really dont believe in abortion. Why not give the baby a chance? Its my husband and our respective families that I think would absolutely never forgive us for doing something like that. I dont know. I just feel so ashamed, so sad, just so everything except happy and excited. I dont know whats wrong with me. Our other pregnancies were great and I was so happy to be having a baby. This one im just... Not. And I dont know if ill feel differently as time progresses. I feel like a terrible person. And it's affecting my marriage and my relationship with my other daughters. I dont know what to do.

ashleywuli · May 2015

I am just so sorry you're dealing with this. Maybe you should try to speak to a counselor?

ashd918 · May 2015

Ive taken an extended leave of absence from work and am working primarily from home right now. I was (am) so sick, which happened with the other two, and I cant hardly keep anything down so I also think being at home alone all day just gives me time to fester. I sleep alot and dont get ready hardly ever anymore. I dont have the energy to clean my house or really even care. Im a hot mess.

ashd918 · May 2015

My husband keeps suggesting counseling but I dont even have the energy for that. Maybe I should look into it. I dont know.

Cardiganmom2 · May 2015

I'm kind of similar to your situation, just not as extreme I would say (not judging). This baby was not planned. We were preventing and not planning on trying until next year. I was hoping to start a career right now but I'm assuming most people won't hire a pregnant woman, especially since I'm just starting out. So I'm not working and we're broke. I'm hoping to get temp jobs until the baby gets here, but after, I don't think it'll be worth it for me to work while putting 2 kids in daycare, so we'll definitely be struggling once the baby is here. Plus I've had some complications, the nurse thought I might be having an ectopic pregnancy around 8 weeks, I think, and I had pretty much mourned the pregnancy then and prepared myself for a procedure. Luckily baby is growing great in my uterus, but I've been spotting a lot so I've been a nervous wreck. Anyway, between basically accepting that baby wasn't there around 8 weeks, the spotting issues and the stress of money, I'm not very excited or connected to this baby, it might be that I'm just afraid to get attached. I never considered abortion or adoption but it's just not the same feelings I had with my first pregnancy. Im hoping and assuming I'll come around, even if it's not until the baby gets here and hopefully you'll be the same way once your baby gets here.

VexyMommy · May 2015

It's very tough when a pregnancy runs counter to your plans. I felt this way often in my first pregnancy 9yrs ago. I was actively trying to prevent it. I was 21, in college, and wanted to be young and carefree. She changed my life and I resented the hell out of it, but I felt an abortion would be even worse. I went through with the pregnancy and as I progressed, my resentment lessened. By the time I gave birth she became my world. There are times when I wish life were different or she had been born now instead of then, but she is the reason I've chosen life in my darkest times. She is the reason I go on when I would rather give up.

Our surprise babies turn our lives upside down, but our plans can and do change sometimes for the better.

kclilkim · May 2015

I hope you read this and im glad you posted this. If this is how you really feel.
Let just start out by saying that I am excited for this baby. But my last one .....I was devastated. And im not the one to hold back feeling. My husband had felt bad that I felt this way. Even put a strain on our marriage that I had no idea about because I couldn't get my mind off of how I didn't want this baby at all. My older kids felt it too. And I am so ashamed about.
I was not getting an abortion I don't believe in killing a life that didn't ask to be here. That is just HORRIFIC to me!
And adoption did cross my mind but I know I couldn't do it.
I was feeling all of this cause the timing just wasn't right. I was doing my clinicals and my hubby just came home from a 2 yr leave. We were just getting our lives back together. This is this last thing we needed!
I went about my business, took Care of myself with doc apt and stuff like that but ignored the facts that my belly was growing.
When the time came and they lifted her for me to see my 4th baby girl for the first time, I was like, " yeah, ok just another baby I have to deal with" I know, horrible right?!
After the 2-3 days in the hospital, I did not want to go home with her. Not for the reason that you all may think. I didn't want to go home with her cause I knew I was gonna have to share her with all my family. Passed from arms to arms. I didn't want to share her with anyone! I was madly in love with my precious, beautiful, wonderful baby girl. She is now 3 and she is the queen and all the girls treat her as such. She is so sweet and everyone that meets her, just melts! She's not spoiled much

I know what you are feeling but that may change and your new little one will fit right on in to their family. If you need to chat, please message me. This can be a trying time when you feel this way to one of your own. It can stress out others that you love if they know how you feel. And you don't want that cause you will be kicking yourself for it later. Trust me.
Best of luck to you, your family, and that precious little one!

kbonel · May 2015

@ashd918 we were actively not trying too. Although I want kids I'm not sure I'm totally ready. It scares the shit out of me. I agree with PP it's time to see someone that can help you work through what you are feeling. I am sure that being home all day is not helping. You know that you will provide a good life and love for another kid. You are already doing so with 2. If you feel like this baby is a dark cloud you can't find your way out of its totally possible something chemical is going on in your brain that is making you feel that way. It can be helped. Adoption is not terrible, and sorry (I'm sure there will be blow back on this) but neither is having control over your ability to have or not have kids. You were actively trying to prevent. Please go see someone, talk to your OB, have them recommend someone. I've experience your tone of writing with my sister and she was becoming severely depressed. You can do this, and by this I mean get yourself help and the resolution you need to make this better for your life. Whatever it is. Zero judgement from me, pm if you need to chat.

kmkrushi · May 2015

I have a friend who went through something very similar. Third baby was not planned and the pregnancy was not an easy one. She still resents the pregnancy but adores the gorgeous baby girl. It's possible the separate the two.
I urge you to also seek counseling and be open to the idea of medication. It sounds like you're struggling with both your first trimester exhaustion and classic signs of depression. Next ob appointment tell them you need a recommendation for a therapist or tell someone you are close to (friend or family member) you need help and have them call or do the research for you.

Confessing how horrible and guilty you feel tells me that you want a change to happen. It can be extremely difficult to take the first step on your own, don't be afraid to ask for help. Anyone who has struggled with depression knows how consuming it is and out of control it can spiral.

thefithuntress · May 2015

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't know you but agree that from your writing and your lack of energy and ability to feel happy it sounds like you could be depressed. It's a tough spot to be in and feels near impossible to change things but with professional help and support you will get through it.

With that said I am probably going to get flack for this but I don't care. You don't need the judgement of women on the Internet right now. If they don't believe in your choice to move forward with the pregnancy or not that's fine but it is YOUR choice. You would be the one to live with whatever decision you make and none of us will likely be here even 5 years from now. I think you need support right now, not strangers telling you what to do, so I'm here to say it's your life. You and your family will live with what you do decide, not us. Do whatever you need to make all of you happy. Best of luck. It takes work but the sunshine does come back. I promise.

Boudin&Crawfish · May 2015

I'm no medical expert, but I think I've heard of antepartum(sp?) depression. I reccomend talking to your doctor about how you feel. They are there for that reason and have heard it all so don't feel embarrassed. I hope you find joy in this pregnancy and comfort! I haven't been through feelings like that, but I can imagine how bad you must feel. I hope you reach out to a professional and let them help you. Good luck!

ashd918 · May 2015

Ladies, I just want to thank each and every one of you for your suggestions and stories, and not berating me for the way I truly feel. I cant express how grateful I am just to even be able to admit this to someone other than my husband. Yes, im depressed. Yes, I should probably seek help. I struggle with anxiety and I am a very type a personality. Im a planner and I like to be in control of all things at all times, and this situation has just pretty much shot that to hell. With being pregnant, I also cant take my meds. So with the anxiety of stemming from this pregnancy, I find myself stressing over irrational things, like my husband dying or myself or one of our children and its debilitating. And its a vicious cycle. I feel like a s*** mom feeling like this, my husband doesnt know what to do and hello horomones! Im taking it out on him and our daughters which isnt fair, and I just feel like im on a downward spiral of despair. One of you stated you felt devastated about your previous pregnancy. I can totally relate. Because thats what this feels like. Complete and utter devastation of my life and plans. I will be looking into seeing someone today. Maybe get a referral from my ob. This isnt normal and I know. Thanks for listening to me and offering your support. I dont deserve it, but God. I am grateful to finally feel like this crushing weight is off my chest. (Being able to talk about how upset I am about this baby). It felt like it was literally suffocating me.

Laurakat81 · May 2015

As someone who has had multiple losses and cannot imagine feeling how you feel I'm definitely not here to bash you. I would venture to say your feelings are normal for an unplanned pregnancy. And my guess is they'll get better as your pregnancy progresses and you eventually meet this baby. And if you find they're not then consider talking to a counselor. To me you just sound overwhelmed and depressed and not like an evil person. Hang in there!

ashleywuli · May 2015

I am so glad this open forum has helped remove some of the stress from you. I'm even happier you're going to talk to someone. Whatever you choose to do, will be right for your family. Best of luck, I am sure all of us will be praying for you and your family.

chadsfiance · May 2015

The other ladies have said everything so eloquently. I agree, you sound like you are depressed and could definitely use some help. I've been there (the depression part), and it really is like a downward spiral. I used to wonder when it would stop - when my bottom would be. Please do go through with seeking the help of a professional. You deserve to feel relief, and once you do, you can make whatever decision you need to make about your unplanned family addition.

imhereforthefruit · May 2015

i suggest adoption. there are plenty of couples out there who would love to have a baby and can't.

mamax6 · May 2015

What med were you on? Did you just stop? That could be a huge part of how your feeling. I take anxiety meds and have for over 12 yrs now. My dr suggested stopping them but you can not do that. She had me talk to another high risk dr and he told me you can not cut baby off like that. It can cause a lot of issues not to mention how bad it would affect me. Please talk to someone. They can give you a pregnancy safe medicine in place of your other one. No matter what, your decision will be what's best for you and your family whatever it should be. Best of luck to you and I hope you keep us posted as we will all be thinking of you!

scw89 · May 2015

Are you for real? You PRAYED for a miscarriage? As a sufferer of infertility myself having needed medical intervention to get pregnant, this is awful. Don't post things like this if you don't want to be judged. In the mean time, it sounds like talking to someone could help, or being open to the idea of adoption etc. to help people who pray for years and years and can't have kids.

scw89 · May 2015

I'm sorry, but if you feel this bad, why aren't you seeking professional help instead of opinions on a public Internet forum. You sound like you need help desperately.

urby87 · May 2015

My husband's first was unplanned. He and the mother had dated for a while and called it quits, but still ran in the same circles. They both have September birthdays, so they got drunk celebrating and hooked up, and along came some unintended consequences... My husband was not on board. At all. Hated the idea, didn't want anything to do with a baby. Didn't want to talk about it at all throughout the pregnancy, and every time it came up he'd change the subject. He was so opposed, in fact, that he didn't tell his parents. He wasn't even at the delivery. But the next day, he went in and absolutely fell in love. He pulled a complete 180 right there at the hospital, and has since been a fantastic father.

My sister ended up getting pregnant a third time from a not-so-good situation. She didn't want an abortion, so she opted for an adoption. It was open, and while she still wrestles with the whole thing, the couple has been in contact with my mom. They were young (about the same age as my sister), but knew they couldn't conceive early on. Because they were young, people kept passing them up even though they had been on the waiting list a lot longer than some of the other couples. They're wonderful, and they excitedly adopted a second child last year. An unplanned child from an unideal situation made that couple so incredibly happy, it's amazing.

All that being said, while I do want this baby, I also don't I feel much of a connection to it. We had been talking about it and agreed to start trying this year, but didn't think it would happen right away, so it was a bit of a surprise to have it happen so early. I did get really excited when I saw it roll and stretch at the dating u/s, but since I can't feel it or see it at this point, I can't really say I feel deeply connected. As it starts to grow, I'm sure the bonding will start.

So who knows... Maybe you'll start to feel a connection when you start to feel the kicks and watch it grow. Maybe you'll feel a connection when you can see the baby's face and hold it in your arms. If you don't feel a connection getting later into the pregnancy, as others have said, I'd definitely recommend having a serious discussion with your husband about adoption.

gumby22c · May 2015

You absolutely need to get some counseling. I think you are past normal feelings and entering scary territory. Nothing anyone can say here will help you.

Pearlvirus · May 2015

scw89 said:
Are you for real? You PRAYED for a miscarriage? As a sufferer of infertility myself having needed medical intervention to get pregnant, this is awful. Don't post things like this if you don't want to be judged. In the mean time, it sounds like talking to someone could help, or being open to the idea of adoption etc. to help people who pray for years and years and can't have kids.

Infertility is a horrible thing and I'm sorry you have suffered but just as she may not understand you, you do not understand her. Your judgement is the only thing here that shouldn't be posted. Don't make people afraid to post real feelings.

scw89 · May 2015

Pearlvirus said:

scw89 said:
Are you for real? You PRAYED for a miscarriage? As a sufferer of infertility myself having needed medical intervention to get pregnant, this is awful. Don't post things like this if you don't want to be judged. In the mean time, it sounds like talking to someone could help, or being open to the idea of adoption etc. to help people who pray for years and years and can't have kids.
Infertility is a horrible thing and I'm sorry you have suffered but just as she may not understand you, you do not understand her. Your judgement is the only thing here that shouldn't be posted. Don't make people afraid to post real feelings.

You're joking, right?

MayBeSomeDay16 · May 2015

"praying for a miscarriage"

First off: I want to punch you in your twat. ( that is a very shortened version of my actual thoughts)

I for the life of me cannot fathom anyone saying such a thing unless they are assaulted. I hope you seriously take adoption into consideration.

gumby22c · May 2015

Pearlvirus said:

scw89 said:
Are you for real? You PRAYED for a miscarriage? As a sufferer of infertility myself having needed medical intervention to get pregnant, this is awful. Don't post things like this if you don't want to be judged. In the mean time, it sounds like talking to someone could help, or being open to the idea of adoption etc. to help people who pray for years and years and can't have kids.
Infertility is a horrible thing and I'm sorry you have suffered but just as she may not understand you, you do not understand her. Your judgement is the only thing here that shouldn't be posted. Don't make people afraid to post real feelings.

I also went through infertility and this post rubbed me wrong. The the biggest issue with this post is the "praying for miscarriage". Not only is that wrong, but that is most certainly not the way to deal with these feelings. There is a ton wrong with the OP thoughts, but she need some serious professional help with work these thoughts. Sometimes tough love and a bit of brutal honesty is needed to help one realize how unnatural her feelings are.

Also, no post is ever free from flames. She had to know that it would rub someone wrong typing that.

Penguin81 · May 2015

Call me judemental ... You are the most insensitive human I have seen on TB. As some one who is on medical bed rest because I almost lost this pregnancy and have suffered issues my entire reproductive life. The shit I actually want to say to you is far worse than this - but that's right I'm ruining your TB experience just like you ruined mine... Thanks so much.

ashd918 · May 2015

Like I said before- if it makes you feel better to tell me what a terrible person I am, well, Im glad its helping someone. Nothing you can say or call me is even close to what I feel inside. Yes, it's scary territory. Its scaring me. Enough that I surfaced from my lethargy to call my ob and tell them a little about it to ask for referral. They want to talk about it at my appointment next week. So I guess we'll see. But this is much more the type of response I was expecting, so thank you for living up to my expectations. Im neither seeking acceptance or approval of.decisions etc. I just simply wanted to say how I felt, since I cant do that to anyone other than my husband, and he justs wants me to magically snap out of it. I was taking lexapro, xanax, and something else that starts with an e ehis name escapes me.at the moment. After I told my fp I was pregnant the stopped the scripts due to danger to the baby. I disagreed but what can.you do.

LSRoo · May 2015

ashd918 said:
My husband keeps suggesting counseling but I dont even have the energy for that. Maybe I should look into it. I dont know.

This is what bothers me. You are talking about PRAYING A BABY DIES, yet you don't have the energy for counseling? Something is very wrong with that.

ashd918 · May 2015

No kidding.

LSRoo · May 2015

And you have time to write that long post but not dial a counselor for the sake of a child. Please get help.

scw89 · May 2015

You are too tired to seek professional help but you're not too tired to post stuff like this on a public Internet forum? Listen, I get not feeling a connection, but not praying for someone to die.

MoonUnitNugget · May 2015

Maybe you could just show your dr your post. I'm sure you wouldn't have to "talk" that much about how horribly unfortunate you are... Better yet just email it to them!

Elyse1384 · May 2015

I'm sorry you are struggling emotionally with this, but if when the baby arrives you still don't feel connected then please really encourage your husband to consider adoption as you mentioned. It is a beautiful option. I am adopted and count my blessings everyday that a couple recognized they couldn't give me what I needed, but elected to give me a shot at life and I was blessed with the most AMAZING parents in the world. My parents were on multiple adoption agency wait lists for over 10 years and when they got the call about me (ironically just in time for mother's day!) it was the best day of their lives...or so they tell me

)

LSRoo · May 2015

ashd918 said:
No kidding.

Your "no kidding. I know I am awful" attitude seems very boastful. If you thought it was so awful you wouldn't post here and you would seek professional help.

Pearlvirus · May 2015

If a pregnancy is unplanned and unwanted, how is it unnatural to wish for it to stop? That's not at all the same as wanting to kill your baby. It's closer to being in denial of pregnancy. Hasn't something bad ever happened to you that you just wish for some way to undo it and make it go away? She says she doesn't want abortion, so this is not really a death wish. I am type a too and understand how difficult it can be to wrap your mind around something that you have no control over that is going to change your life. I think those who are rubbed the wrong way by this post are somehow managing to be both overly sensitive and insensitive at the same time.

gumby22c · May 2015

EllaStaxx said:

ashd918 said:
No kidding.
Your "no kidding. I know I am awful" attitude seems very boastful. If you thought it was so awful you wouldn't post here and you would seek professional help.

I did actually feel a bit bad for the OP, but follow up responses show she really doesn't seem to grasp nor care how hurtful and unnatural these feelings are.

You've gotten good advice OP. Do something about it or drop it. No one needs your attitude.

ashd918 · May 2015

Look, you don't need to tell me how f***ed up I am, how insensitive and awful I am, how unnormal I am, I know. Im so terribly sorry for the people who have struggled with infertility, who have gone through loss, I cant imagine what thats like nor have I been through your personal experience. What I have is mine. I do not feel like a good person. Who prays for stuff like that??? Not someone whos right in the head. I did call earlier about seeing someone. I have to wait till next week. Again, I really appreciate the ladies who told me their experience and urged me to do something about these feelings. To the rest of you, im sorry. Im sorry youre mad, im sorry for what youve been through, and I hope you all end up with happy, healthy babies and never struggle with that again. Other than that, I dont know what else to tell you. I cant help the way I feel, or the things I think. Maybe this is something you cant come back from. I just dont know. I wish I did.

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