Mother's day gift for infertile SIL

Rikki_5 · May 2015

Mother's day is coming up and I'm thinking of getting a tiny little fertility bracelet for my SIL with an encouraging message on it or something. I just feel bad because she's been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and it only took me 2 months and everyone in the family when we get together is just focusing on me. Do you think that it would make it hurt more if I did that or do you think it would be a special little gesture of encouragement? Thanks.

megewy · May 2015

I think it's a very sweet idea.

naka92 · May 2015

If I were your SIL, id probably cry when recieving that and hug you right after. It sounds like an amazingly sweet idea that really shows you care and are hoping for them to be as lucky as you are. I say definitely go for it!

Cupcakesandquilts · May 2015

Mother's Day was hard for me after having two miscarriages before I had my daughter. I don't know your SIL, but for me, this idea (while very sweet and thoughtful) would sting quite a bit. I'm not sure I'd recommend it. I found that pregnant people or new moms were the last people I wanted to try to comfort me. It was just a reminder of what I couldn't have.

Rikki_5 · May 2015

@cupcakeandquilts ya..that is what I was thinking. I think I'll just let it be. I'd like to think that if I were in her position, I'd really think it was a nice thing but then again I have no idea how hard it must be to go through that. Especially since she has always wanted to be a mom. It must be so hard especially now there's a baby shower and it's all the family talks about. Thanks for the advice.

bbiutmcph · May 2015

As someone who suffered from IF please don't especially on Mother's Day.

Rikki_5 · May 2015

@bbiutmcph As I said, I'm going to let it be. What ways can I be encouraging to her? If any? Should I just ignore her my whole pregnancy?

bbiutmcph · May 2015

Don't ignore but don't do anything special right now either IMO. Hang out and talk like you used too. Try not to have everything revolve around baby talk but you don't have to obviously change the subject either. Just be yourself, and try not to focus on you being pregnant and her not. DId you guys hang out prior to your pregnancy? Have similar hobbies? That's the stuff I would encourage not trying to focus on her IF.

Rikki_5 · May 2015

@bbiutmcph Ok, thanks. That's what I've been trying to do. It just gets hard when everyone is around us talking about the baby and all the decisions. I wasn't sure if I should be trying to be more supportive of her or just ignore the fact I'm pregnant or what! Thanks for the advice!

SweetnSassy23 · May 2015

Very thoughtful! @Rikki_5

Perhaps you could use Mother's Day as an opportunity for her to spoil herself. Perhaps a GC to a movie or a massage? Or treat her to lunch at her favorite place?

Rikki_5 · May 2015

@SweetnSassy23 I'd like to do something for her but everyone who has struggled with this has stated that it wouldn't be a good idea so guess I'll just let it be. Her anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks, maybe I'll get her and her hubby some spa treatment gift cards or something!! Thanks for the reply!!

mrscookiequeen · May 2015

I was going through my first round of ivf when my sister got pregnant.. and to be 100% honest.. if she had done that.. I probably would've smacked her. It's a nice thought.. unless you're going through infertility.

Rikki_5 · May 2015

@mrscookiequeen That's why I thought to ask some ladies here on the boards. You never know what it feels like and to me it seemed nice but after hearing your stories it seems like it would just be a reminder of not being able to be pregnant. I'm just going to focus on a gift for her and her husband's 3 year anniversary in a couple weeks.

mrscookiequeen · May 2015

Sorry if I sounded rude on my comment btw. But the only person who can understand the pain is someone going through it. It's a really nice thought and you mean well. But there was nothing more painful for me than mothers day knowing that day might never come. An anniversary spa gift would be nice as I'm sure they need the break.

LLynde5 · May 2015

@Rikki_5 while maybe not perfect timing you are very thoughtful! Your SIL is very lucky to have you:) I think the spa day sounds wonderful for their anniversary.
During my struggles I had a bunch of friends and family become pregnant. You are so happy for them but it can be hard to constantly hear baby talk. Now that I am pregnant I try to reach out to my friends that are struggling before they do and make sure I ask how they are doing first and never gripe about the unpleasant side of pregnancy because they would do anything to feel awful:)

KerrissaM · May 2015

Just wanted to leave an encouraging comment here...you are such a nice person! In the middle of my infertility struggle, my accidentally pregnant SIL texted me to ask where she could buy maternity clothes...and never, throughout her entire pregnancy, made one attempt to say anything about my experiences and my pain (all of which she knew). She has instead insisted on making the rest of the family hate me for 'skipping the baby shower' and 'not visiting her at the hospital' (even though she never invited me to the hospital). So, just thinking about your SIL is fantastic!

I would agree with the above comments about the bracelet, but I would suggest that you don't just ignore it and leave an elephant in the room. Don't dwell on it, but an occasional 'I'm thinking of you today/I'm praying for you' text can go a long way, or maybe even having flowers delivered if you know they've had a failed treatment. Just make it clear you care, and do your best to forgive if she snaps on you in her pain and jealousy. (Because I can guarantee she is jealous, but that she probably still loves you a lot!) Thanks for being a great sister in law...it means a lot to those of us who have gone through infertility!

double2rouble · May 2015

I would do a random day and not on Mother's Day. It is a very very sweet gesture but Mother's Day can be a very hard day

sante12 · May 2015

Anything nice that you think she'll enjoy. But not on mother's day.

elmann1 · May 2015

I bought myself a Venus of Willendorf Beeswax candle from Etsy when I was having trouble conceiving (pcos). I have to say, that candle had such good juju! Maybe for her b-day?

nsaid4u · May 2015

I wouldn't give that to her on Mother's Day because she's not a mother. I was just give it to her on another random day.

MamaWren919 · May 2015

I agree that it's a very sweet thought, but I just wouldn't go there. It took us 5 years to conceive, and Mother's Day is rough. Just try to go through the day like normal and make conversation that's not all baby-related. She's bitter, that's just the truth of the matter. No bracelet or spa gc or "I'm thinking of you notes" will help. It's kind of you, but it's just not anything she wants/wants to hear.

Kristyhana · May 2015

I agree with the others to not rub it in. I did not suffer lifelong infertility issues but it did take over 1.5 years to get pregnant this time. And in that time my SIL got pregnant and I was very bitter. I did not want to see them at all as it was just a reminder of the struggle I was having and real possibility of never getting pregnant (I'm older and only planned to try for 2 years before giving up). Their family is still crazy over her and her pregnancy while mine doesn't seem to exist

so I just keep my distance.

momming247 · May 2015

I've struggled with IF and an now pregnant with an ivf baby. Your gesture is so so sweet but please...do not give her the bracelet. It will sting very much. Like another poster said just don't mention it. Keep the day ash normal. Don't mention any of your plans or celebration to her. Please...I remember how much it hurt and it's entirely best to let the day slide by without a hint of a reminder.

PhoenixRyuu · May 2015

I agree with some of the other IF sufferers here that this would be too painful. We tried everything we could afford from 2007-2012, suffered 6 losses and gave up. I am now unexpectedly pregnant, 8 years after I started trying and 3 years after I hung it up, worked through the whole range of emotions and had completely moved on with my life. IF is quite a roller coaster, as many will tell you, but one of the hardest things it when you see everyone around you becoming pregnant so easily, without trying for, and even without wanting the pregnancy when you would give anything for that BFP that makes it to the safe zone. Of course, another place she could be is hurting and lonely on Mother's Day and really in need of support and would love you to spend some time together on non-Mother's Day related activities that would get her mind off of it. If you know her well enough to speak to her directly about where she is emotionally, do so and let her define how you can best support her. If you're not really that close, if she's your brother's wife, you could talk to him. If she's your husband's sister, you could talk to him about talking to her. Please do also understand that you may be the last person she wants to see on Mother's Day, and don't take that personally. I'm sure she's not upset with you, but grief is not rational, so be prepared if you decide to talk to her that the only thing she may want is to be left alone. If so, please give her space. Mother's Day is horrible for women suffering with IF, and for me got worse every year. Maybe you can make plans to do something fun together the following weekend.

aah1013 · May 2015

You are extremely thoughtful. I think the best gift you can give her is your understanding. Understanding if she's not overly involved in your pregnancy and understanding if she doesn't want to discuss her own struggles.

The bracelet is so incredibly thoughtful, but I would not give it to her. I would have been a wreck if I had been given that gift after years of infertility. It would have felt like a punch in the gut. It's a very hard, private struggle. Your intentions are so clearly good ones, but it's just such a delicate thing for a family to go through.

Pray for her, support her when she needs it, don't flaunt your pregnancy, and be understanding...all things I'm sure you are already aware of. Continue to be a good person and keep her ordeal in mind if she's unable to be there for you.

MamaOwl15 · May 2015

I think it's kind of you to want to give her a gift, but I would not do it on Mother's Day. Wait till a later time and then give her a gift certificate for a massage or something just for her "out of the blue." That way you can let her know you're thinking of her, and even acknowledge that it must be hard for her to watch your pregnancy progress while she struggled with infertility. But it takes the focus off the idea of pregnancy and motherhood.

Knottie20297501 · May 2015

This is a very thoughtful idea. I would maybe wait a week or two after mother's day so that she has time to get out of her mother's day funk.

PhoenixRyuu · May 2015

Oh, I like that - the gift certificate for a massage - something to relax her and take her mind off of things. IF is very stressful, which is a catch 22 because the stress itself makes it less likely for you to succeed, but that doesn't make the gift itself TTC focused. It does show that you are interested in being there for her as a supportive sister, though.

beetsbees · May 2015

The thought is really sweet but i'd wait until after mother's day... like a couple of weeks. I agree with PhoenixRyuu too. Get her something out of the blue and have it be just because you love her. A massage sounds like a great gift:) and I bet you could use one too, I know I could go for one right now.