Husband won't help with newborn...

shirley4514 · April 2015

I feel guilty for writing this but I just really need to vent and I feel like this is a safe place to do so-judgment free.

I'm feeling really frustrated and tired, my husband won't help me with our new born baby. I'm the one who wakes up at night to feed and change the baby, and during the day when he's home it's the same thing. He works so at first I felt bad waking him up so he can help but im wondering if he's going to use that as an excuse forever... I understand he's tired but so am I.. Idk If im being selfish but idk how else to feel. It's almost 5 am and the baby has been waking up and crying since 2 am, he FINALLY heard the baby cry and woke up for like 3 seconds to ask "she's still crying? Have you slept?" And for a second I thought he was going to get up and actually help me when I said I haven't slept but all he did was turn around and fall back asleep.. It's so frustrating!! Anyone else going through something similar? I just really needed to vent

....

myjessesgirl · April 2015

I'm sorry to hear that this is what you're dealing with! I am not entirely in the same situation, but I do know how it feels to stay up almost all night with a crying newborn as our little girl tends to get her days and nights confused. Have you expressed your feelings to your husband at all? Maybe he just assumes that since you aren't saying anything, he can just take a back seat. Even just mentioning that you're exhausted and need help might give him the incentive to do something. Good luck and hope you don't have too many nights like this! As everyone around me constantly reminds me: things DO get better!

adelems · April 2015

My husband has a hard time helping because he doesn't really know what to do.. Even though this is our second baby! Haha. But since I exclusively breastfeed there isn't much point in having hubby help at night. I still have to wake up to nurse, so why wake him too? During the day though I ask him to hold baby or make me food or clean the house. And he's in charge of taking care of our four year old.

Are you exclusively Breast feeding? How much does your husband work? The problem I have with asking husband to help with baby that's crying or awake is that I can't sleep while I know baby is awake .. But maybe that's just me.

That all being said... With my first this all was much worse and it created big problems in our marriage. I felt very alone and like he didn't care. This time it's different because we talked about expectations before kiddo was born and so on.

So my advice to you is that you really really need to sit him down (preferably when you're not super emotional and have had even a little sleep) and explain that you need help or at least to feel like he cares . And this (lay out very clear and realistic expectations at this point) is how you feel he can best help you or make you feel like he cares.

And make sure and ask him about what he is feeling and if there is something you can do to help ect. It's very possible he just doesn't know what to do and to cope with the uncertainty and the feelings of inadequacy he's just "checking out" and leaving you be. That's how my husband felt with our first and it took a long time to recover from the damage the lack of communication did to our marriage .

Best of luck !! I hope it gets better!

And don't ever ever hesitate to bring a neutral third party like a therapist or a mutual close friend in to the conversation to help you guys communicate

lizard1892 · April 2015

My partner is about as much help as yours is during the night. I offered to do a couple of nights as he was starting to get grumpy due to lack of sleep days 2-3 his now 11days and hasn't got up for about week even tho his off work on paternity leave. Its frustrating when some times I don't get to sleep till 4am and have 3 other children but at the same time Id rather him get his sleep and not be snappy with everyone and I love being the one my baby relies on. Even when his crying, he knows no better and I want him to know I'm always here for him I can catch up on sleep when he eventually settles and get extra cuddles in the mean time. Stay strong and find the positives. Get angry or enjoy extra bonding?

sugargrenade · April 2015

Everyone has offered great thoughts and ideas.

On top of those, do you have a swing for the baby? That is my lifesaver and has been with both babies. If we can't hold her or if i want her to stay asleep for a while i put her in the swing and she's asleep soundly. Maybe it'd help you too.

atobin1983 · April 2015

I've learned that if I need to shower or eat, I just give the baby to my hubby and walk away. It seems to be the only thing that works. Good Luck!

TwinsCitiesMomma · April 2015

Agreed with PP. Sit your hubs down and let him know that you need help. I've had s couple of breakdowns myself when I needed more support from DH. Hope things get better.

mekayou · April 2015

I'm experiencing the same exact thing and it's frustrating as heck!!

NLB2009 · April 2015

You should not feel guilty. Is hard work and is okay to need to vent. I woke my husband up today by shaking him and handing him the baby. Then I spent 10 minutes complaining about him not helping clean enough. We have worked out a good nighttime routine, maybe it would work for your husband and you. Since I'm exclusively breastfeeding, he changes all the nighttime diapers. That way you can at least get back to sleep faster and it only takes a few minutes of his time

cmcintos · April 2015

Also having this problem. He likes to sit and cuddle with her, but not do any of the harder things. So I've been basically handing her to him and walking away. Or give him tasks that he can do, like bath time and reading her a goodnight story while I do the last feed before bed. Finding things that can be his bonding time with her seem to have helped. I think they just don't know. We have maternal instincts and hormones to help us with this stuff. They don't.

We get the "fun" part of being with the baby nursing day long, whereas they get stuck with all the housework, dog walking, shopping, etc that has nothing to do with baby. Can't be very fun when you are sleep deprived. So maybe try handing off baby so you can do some of the regular chores.....

sarah0989 · April 2015

I'm sorry you have to deal with that! I know the feeling of not having help. I was alone when I had my first son, who is now 5. It's extremely hard and draining. I've just had my second son with my fiancé and we worked out somewhat of a schedule to make things fair. So on certain nights he's on baby duty completely and then the other nights I'm on baby duty. I would reccomend talking to him and being honest. If you don't, the resentment will probably build up and things will just get worse. I really hope things work out for you.

22roses · April 2015

My husband also is the only one that works. He has a regular 9-5 so no strange hours. He will not willingly get up at night to help, our girl only Wakes up about 2 times a night, we breast an formula feed. So usually the 2nd time she wakes up I wake him up so he can feed her while I Pump more milk. He is very helpful when he gets off work he will hold her change her feed her and bathe her. But when it comes to him sleeping or me. He is the one that works so technically I could sleep when the baby is sleeping through out the day so I try not to harp on him to much.

babyluv1234 · April 2015

Lurking from A15 but my baby was born March 17. Is unfortunate that some men have to be told specifically to help out! My husband when back to work so he helps out and let's me sleep on the weekends. Plus he takes her when he gets home from work. Tell him you need help and what you need him to do. Good luck!

KD32412 · April 2015

Sometimes men don't realize you need help unless you SAY SOMETHING. They also might be unsure or worried of stepping on your toes. My husband knows I have my own way of doing things, so he doesn't help unless I ask for it. With our first, I breastfed exclusively so he was able to sleep through the night. He helped out by being in charge of the house and food, also keeping me fed and healthy. Of course, if you are asking for help and he still does nothing, that's another story...

babystarin · April 2015

How long before everyone's husband felt u were fine to do all the stuff u normally did? We didn't get to come home for the first week... The day after we got home he told me I could cook since he cooked the last two meals...

In all fairness he does let me sleep in the am and takes the baby for a couple hours. Still frustrating sometimes.

KD32412 · April 2015

babystarin said:
How long before everyone's husband felt u were fine to do all the stuff u normally did? We didn't get to come home for the first week... The day after we got home he told me I could cook since he cooked the last two meals...

In all fairness he does let me sleep in the am and takes the baby for a couple hours. Still frustrating sometimes.

With our first child, my husband didn't expect me to do anything other than feed the baby. He really kept a close eye on me and took care of the house. This second time around, I had a csection. Pretty much same thing, but he was more attentive to my overall health. It's been about 6 weeks and the Dr. has cleared me to resume with regular activities, but if I'm too tired to cook or clean, or just have no time, he's okay with it. Then again, I am at home with a newborn and 28 month old - so I literally have my hands full! I still manage to do the laundry, dishes, cook 3x a week, and keep the house clean.

EDWHIP · April 2015

My husband was pretty much the same way with our first and I later found out it was mostly his fear of not knowing what to do. He was more sensitive than I was when baby cried and would go out an smoke a cigarette (even though he had quit years earlier). The whole thing was just too stressful on him. For the longest time I thought I had picked the wrong partner to parent with and was really getting bummed out…that is until our daughter grew older and started communicating back. Around 8 months, babies get really fun and interactive. That's when daddy became the favorite and he started getting more into it and doing more. Now that our first is 4, my husband is better with her than I am! He is great with running her ragged in the yard and building couch forts with her on cold snowy days. Just offering my story..maybe the same will happen with you? Regardless, good luck with everything. It can be really hard these first couple of months when everything seems up in the air.

gunde13 · July 2018

I am sorry that this is happening. I have read a few of the comments as well because I too, am in the same boat. What happens when expressing your feelings and concerns about this to the husband doesn’t do anything at all? What if he does not take your feelings and or thoughts into consideration? Our little guy is 6 months old and dad has yet to get up with him during the night. I am literally at my breaking point. I’m the one who needs to be up and out early daily where as he is able to make his own hours at work and usually gets to sleep in everyday. How is this fair?

Husband won't help with newborn...

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