I didn't mean I'm a terrible person for not loving the kid like my own - he's not my own! No one said I wanted him pushed to the side, either - I just want him to continue going to his program while I'm home with the baby so I can get used to having a newborn around as well.
I meant is it terrible to ask dad to keep paying for daycare for him? Sorry if it wasn't clear what I was asking.
The truth is I don't love this boy as if he were my son, he's not my son, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he was my own, either.
It is okay. The thing is, this isn't about your feelings about your stepson, it's about wanting time with your baby. People are confusing that with thinking that you hate him and want him gone. I care deeply for my stepkids and we have a great relationship. I don't love them as my own because they are not my own. But we have our own special relationship that works for us. I feel for them like I would for a niece or nephew. I would do anything for them like I would for my kids but the feelings are not equal. I don't feel bad about that either. My DH is happy with how I treat them and so are they, judging by their actions and words. I receive many opinions from my inlaws about our dynamic but it truly works for us.
you said you want to stay home with your own child possibly longer than your allotted maternity/fmla leave...so that leads me to believe this may not be so temporary of a situation.
I guess the confusion about the title for a lot of us is that in the other board you posted it as Bad stepmother? So we all figured that's what was making you feel like a terrible person. The problem people are having is not that you want him in daycare, I would love to set up part time daycare since this is baby number 3 if that were in the cards for DH and me. It's that you didn't say you love this child period. You said you don't want to be his mom. You make us believe there is going to be an obvious favorite in the family and that can and will have long term consequences on him. Everyone's point has been the same, you may not love him as much or the same way but do not let him know that. Ever. He should have no idea.
bottom line, whether you are wrong or right in your feelings, your husband gets a say on the family finances. If half of the "team" is staying home to rear children it should be all the children not just your favorite. I wouldn't pay for you to be a stay at home mom to one kid and not the other.
I don't think it's awful to want time alone with your new baby, especially if you already have your stepson in day care and can afford to continue doing so. I see no problem with asking. It's overwhelming to bring home a newborn as it is. And I don't get why people are jumping down your throat. I can't find anywhere where you've said something awful. You stepped up to the plate and are caring for a child that isn't yours. You can't be expected to have the same feelings toward your stepson as you have for your own child and as long as you are fair and treat them both well, it's not really anyone's business how you feel about your stepson.
I am pretty shocked that a few people have gone as far as to say that the poor kid got stuck with you as a mother figure. Especially without having any detailed information about your relationship with your stepson. I hope you figure out this situation so that everything works out best for everyone involved. Good luck.
Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.
Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?
I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.
Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility. BUT HE IS.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.
Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?
I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.
Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
She said 12 weeks or maybe more. What, an extra couple of weeks or something?
I truly don't get it. Sorry. From what I'm reading, you guys want her to go above and beyond what she'd do for her bio child to make up for the fact that the boy has no mother.
If we were talking about OP's bio son going back to daycare, no one would say a thing. But because this is her stepson, she's now expected to do things that she wouldn't do otherwise. How is that fair? How is this much different from the women who take days off of work yet still send their kids to daycare because they need a break during the day? I think people are getting so stuck on the fact that the mother died that their sympathy is clouding things. Is he supposed to get special treatment for life because his mom died? How would that benefit anyone? This would be a non issue in an intact family. But because it's a blended situation, OP is now expected to walk on eggshells and bend over backwards to prove that she's not a bad person. It's not fair.
No, he isn't supposed to get special treatment but he isn't supposed to get shitty treatment either. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have time with her newborn, I'm just saying what's wrong with keeping him sometimes? He is part of the family and needs to be able to bond as such also. In addition to that, she needs to be open to her DH's ideas also, and it sounds like he wants to pull him out. I wouldn't want to pay for it ALL week either if it wasn't necessary. Send him 3 days a week and keep him home 2. What's wrong with compromising?
I think you're all wrong with saying that because she's a blended family she needs to walk on eggshells and whatnot. Keep in mind, there are quite a few other posters who oppose her thoughts and beliefs and I'm 100% POSITIVE they're not all "intact" families.
I will add that when I reread the initial post, I see what you guys are saying about the tone of her words when she speaks of "his" son. While that phrase is technically correct, it does convey a resentment or disgust. BUT......that might be due to the situation she's writing about and her potential resentment over having to spend her bonding time being a babysitter as well. Idk. Idk. I'm assuming as well, and just speaking as a stepmom who has had my share of issues with it in the past. I just know how hard it can be so I don't want to jump to seeing the worst about it.
Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.
Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?
I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.
Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
She said 12 weeks or maybe more. What, an extra couple of weeks or something?
I truly don't get it. Sorry. From what I'm reading, you guys want her to go above and beyond what she'd do for her bio child to make up for the fact that the boy has no mother.
If we were talking about OP's bio son going back to daycare, no one would say a thing. But because this is her stepson, she's now expected to do things that she wouldn't do otherwise. How is that fair? How is this much different from the women who take days off of work yet still send their kids to daycare because they need a break during the day? I think people are getting so stuck on the fact that the mother died that their sympathy is clouding things. Is he supposed to get special treatment for life because his mom died? How would that benefit anyone? This would be a non issue in an intact family. But because it's a blended situation, OP is now expected to walk on eggshells and bend over backwards to prove that she's not a bad person. It's not fair.
With regards to the last paragraph (my stupid Ipad won't let me highlight/bold, etc.)...I think everyone has made it very clear that it is NOT the fact that she wants him to stay in day care so she can adjust to a newborn that we are all annoyed with. In fact, many of us have AGREED he should stay in day care so they don't lose his spot, and so he has the consistency and social interaction. No one is even saying he should get special treatment, but he should be treated like a son. She has not ONCE said she loves him. She HAS said she doesn't feel motherly to him at all, she HAS said she DOES NOT want to be a SAHM to him. If it was her biological child and she said the things she has said about this boy, everyone would react the same. If a woman chooses to marry a man with a child, especially a young child who still needs so much physical and emotional nourishment still, then she needs to sign up for the whole package.
No, he isn't supposed to get special treatment but he isn't supposed to get shitty treatment either. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have time with her newborn, I'm just saying what's wrong with keeping him sometimes? He is part of the family and needs to be able to bond as such also. In addition to that, she needs to be open to her DH's ideas also, and it sounds like he wants to pull him out. I wouldn't want to pay for it ALL week either if it wasn't necessary. Send him 3 days a week and keep him home 2. What's wrong with compromising?
I think you're all wrong with saying that because she's a blended family she needs to walk on eggshells and whatnot. Keep in mind, there are quite a few other posters who oppose her thoughts and beliefs and I'm 100% POSITIVE they're not all "intact" families.
This is where you're losing me. Where is the shitty treatment? Sending him to daycare? I did the same with my kids and I don't think I was treating them like shit. We all stayed together for the first week and then back to school for my son and some extra play dates and family time for my toddler. That's my point, it's okay if I do that with my own kids but if they were stepkids then there's an issue. I totally agree that she should compromise with her DH but wanting what she wants doesn't make her wrong.
No, he isn't supposed to get special treatment but he isn't supposed to get shitty treatment either. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have time with her newborn, I'm just saying what's wrong with keeping him sometimes? He is part of the family and needs to be able to bond as such also. In addition to that, she needs to be open to her DH's ideas also, and it sounds like he wants to pull him out. I wouldn't want to pay for it ALL week either if it wasn't necessary. Send him 3 days a week and keep him home 2. What's wrong with compromising?
I think you're all wrong with saying that because she's a blended family she needs to walk on eggshells and whatnot. Keep in mind, there are quite a few other posters who oppose her thoughts and beliefs and I'm 100% POSITIVE they're not all "intact" families.
This is where you're losing me. Where is the shitty treatment? Sending him to daycare? I did the same with my kids and I don't think I was treating them like shit. We all stayed together for the first week and then back to school for my son and some extra play dates and family time for my toddler. That's my point, it's okay if I do that with my own kids but if they were stepkids then there's an issue. I totally agree that she should compromise with her DH but wanting what she wants doesn't make her wrong.
The shitty treatment is that based off her OP as well as follow up posts she's made, she doesn't want to deal with him at all. THAT is shitty.
Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.
Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?
I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.
Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
She said 12 weeks or maybe more. What, an extra couple of weeks or something?
I truly don't get it. Sorry. From what I'm reading, you guys want her to go above and beyond what she'd do for her bio child to make up for the fact that the boy has no mother.
If we were talking about OP's bio son going back to daycare, no one would say a thing. But because this is her stepson, she's now expected to do things that she wouldn't do otherwise. How is that fair? How is this much different from the women who take days off of work yet still send their kids to daycare because they need a break during the day? I think people are getting so stuck on the fact that the mother died that their sympathy is clouding things. Is he supposed to get special treatment for life because his mom died? How would that benefit anyone? This would be a non issue in an intact family. But because it's a blended situation, OP is now expected to walk on eggshells and bend over backwards to prove that she's not a bad person. It's not fair.
With regards to the last paragraph (my stupid Ipad won't let me highlight/bold, etc.)...I think everyone has made it very clear that it is NOT the fact that she wants him to stay in day care so she can adjust to a newborn that we are all annoyed with. In fact, many of us have AGREED he should stay in day care so they don't lose his spot, and so he has the consistency and social interaction. No one is even saying he should get special treatment, but he should be treated like a son. She has not ONCE said she loves him. She HAS said she doesn't feel motherly to him at all, she HAS said she DOES NOT want to be a SAHM to him. If it was her biological child and she said the things she has said about this boy, everyone would react the same. If a woman chooses to marry a man with a child, especially a young child who still needs so much physical and emotional nourishment still, then she needs to sign up for the whole package.
At the end of the day, she doesn't have to feel anything for the son. She has an obligation to TREAT him lovingly and respectfully and to help his dad raise him to become a good and productive member of society. That's it. You can't force someone to feel motherly. Despite the best of intentions, that's not something you can control. I don't feel motherly towards my stepkids. That doesn't mean I hate them or treat them less-than. If you ask them, I treat them like a mother would. They don't know that I don't really feel it. I still think they're great and I show that. She doesn't feel motherly because she's not his mom. Doesn't mean he's not taken care of.
Also @CatsAreShady if it was simply the day care thing, then all of us would be saying you are a bad stepmom too, but no one is saying that because that is not the issue at hand. You said you love your stepchildren like a niece or nephew - that makes sense...that is still LIKE FAMILY and I think many of us can relate to that. If I am watching one of my nieces, I give her the same things I give my son, to include attention, and not because I am obligated to, but because I love them too. If anything happened to my brother and SIL and I took in their kids, I would love them like they were my own daughters. Of course the bond would be different since I did not carry and birth them, but it would not make me love them any less and they would never feel any less loved. Again, I will state what I have in previous posts, she has yet to come back and say she loves him. If she phrased her original post as, "I am frustrated with my DH because he wants to pull my 4 year old step son from day care while I am home on maternity leave to save money; however financially we can swing it. This is my first biological child and I feel like I need the time alone with the baby to adjust to being a mom to a new baby, bond, etc." no one would jump on her. People would probably resspond with things like, "You should have a sit down with DH about this and let him know how you are feeling....also you should check with your day care as many won't hold a spot if you pull your child for a few weeks/months.....maybe you could compromise and send him part time...." etc.
Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.
Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?
I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.
Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility. BUT HE IS.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
Also @CatsAreShady if it was simply the day care thing, then all of us would be saying you are a bad stepmom too, but no one is saying that because that is not the issue at hand. You said you love your stepchildren like a niece or nephew - that makes sense...that is still LIKE FAMILY and I think many of us can relate to that. If I am watching one of my nieces, I give her the same things I give my son, to include attention, and not because I am obligated to, but because I love them too. If anything happened to my brother and SIL and I took in their kids, I would love them like they were my own daughters. Of course the bond would be different since I did not carry and birth them, but it would not make me love them any less and they would never feel any less loved. Again, I will state what I have in previous posts, she has yet to come back and say she loves him. If she phrased her original post as, "I am frustrated with my DH because he wants to pull my 4 year old step son from day care while I am home on maternity leave to save money; however financially we can swing it. This is my first biological child and I feel like I need the time alone with the baby to adjust to being a mom to a new baby, bond, etc." no one would jump on her. People would probably resspond with things like, "You should have a sit down with DH about this and let him know how you are feeling....also you should check with your day care as many won't hold a spot if you pull your child for a few weeks/months.....maybe you could compromise and send him part time...." etc.
Unfortunately, dealing with my stepkids with a new baby only happened with my oldest son. They moved across the country for my second and third pregnancies and we only see them a few times a year (long and sad story). When I spoke of sending my kids to school, I meant MY kids.
I get your point though. Can't really argue with that. I tried lol.
I didn't mean I'm a terrible person for not loving the kid like my own - he's not my own! No one said I wanted him pushed to the side, either - I just want him to continue going to his program while I'm home with the baby so I can get used to having a newborn around as well.
I meant is it terrible to ask dad to keep paying for daycare for him? Sorry if it wasn't clear what I was asking.
The truth is I don't love this boy as if he were my son, he's not my son, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he was my own, either.
OP, you keep saying that you don't love your SS like he is your own. And that is okay and understandable. But do you love him at all? Do you have any warm and fuzzy feelings towards him?
Because it is coming off like he is an outcast living in your house.
I just read through this thread and I can't help but feel terrible. I really hope if I die my husband chooses someone who will love my kids like their own. In fact I'm going to go bitch about it to him now while my pregnancy hormones are churning.
I'm very on the fence about this. I'm a single mom to both my kids and if I ever do get married I will not marry a man that only tolerates my children. Like others have said, we understand that you don't love him like your own, but we are all having a hard time seeing any love you have for him. I completely understand wanting him to stay in daycare. Those first few weeks are very hard. I was almost bed ridden the first week or two after my son because I had such a rough birth, I'm praying this one is easier because I'm sure caring for a 3 year old and a new baby will be rough, I unfortunately can't afford daycare. I think my biggest worry here is I don't think you will ever intentionally show your SS that you don't love him as much but have you ever had the saying "actions speak louder than words"? I believe body language shows how we truly feel and when he is old enough to understand your body language he will see your true feelings for him. You've stated multiple times "he's not mine" but he is... When you married his father you took him in too. Things would definitely be different if his mother were alive but she isn't. You're his mom now, and it breaks my heart that you don't see that. Nothing any of us say or do will ever make you love him the way you should. My brother adopted his daughter that his wife had from a previous relationship. My brother loves his daughter as much as he does his two biological children, and it shows. He never disciplines her any different and I feel like you will end up treating him much differently from your own child. I've never had stepchildren so I'm not sure exactly how I would feel or act but I don't think I would marry a man if I didn't want his children around and I know you're trying to say that's not the case but it certainly feels like it. I would definitely look into family therapy, and maybe try spending some one on one time with your son... That's what he is, YOUR son. And just like everyone else wrote, it's not about you wanting to keep him in daycare, it's your reasoning behind it. I really hate saying this, but yes you are being a bit selfish. I was the black sheep of my family and I know how bad it hurt to always be left out and treated differently than the other children, NO child deserves to feel that way. It has honestly scarred me for life and I have so much resentment from it. Don't do that to him.
I just read this whole post and my heart broke. I grew up with divorced parents who remarried. My step-dad NEVER ONCE called me his step-daughter. If anyone asked if I was his step-child, he would correct them and tell them I was his, I was his daughter. He never once treated me less than the two children he had with my mother. My step-mother on the other hand, treated me like a step-child. I do believe she tried her best to act motherly but it was obvious she didn't care for me as a mother would, and I was under constant ridicule and constantly being put down by how her daughter was better than I was in all aspects. With every post I read by the OP I just feel like this child is going to get the experience I got with my step-mother versus what he deserves to have, like the experience I had with my step-father. I'm 24 and STILL dealing with the repercussions of that relationship with my step-mother.
The issue I had with OP's posts had nothing to do with daycare or wanting to be home for one on one time with the baby, it was how she regarded the child. (He's not even a "child" he's still pretty much a baby who needs a mother who will love him unconditionally and it breaks my heart to know that he won't have that but he'll have to watch as his sibling gets everything he's been emotionally denied.)
OP, I don't know how you can sleep at night, let alone have peace of mind with how you regard this child, technically your son.
I sure hope you do some soul searching before you have "your" child so you don't cause a little boy a lifetime of heartache.
This whole post breaks my heart. When you meet a man with a motherless two year old it goes without saying that you will be the mother figure in his life. Wanting to leave him in daycare while on maternity is not at all the issue....I know a ton of people that have done this with their own children. The issue is the fact that it is pretty clear by your post and comments that you only tolerate this little boy. This poor kid has done absolutely nothing to deserve the life that has been handed to him. All I can say is I really hope he has loving family close by so he doesn't grown up watching his sibling get love while he gets only tolerance.
This whole post breaks my heart. When you meet a man with a motherless two year old it goes without saying that you will be the mother figure in his life. Wanting to leave him in daycare while on maternity is not at all the issue....I know a ton of people that have done this with their own children. The issue is the fact that it is pretty clear by your post and comments that you only tolerate this little boy. This poor kid has done absolutely nothing to deserve the life that has been handed to him. All I can say is I really hope he has loving family close by so he doesn't grown up watching his sibling get love while he gets only tolerance.
100% agree! I actually feel sorry for this little boy. I also believe this situation is different than most step parent scenarios because he has no mother, she's dead. Like it or not, he may not be your biological son but you are his "mother" so to speak. Shame on his father for not finding a more suitable person. Harsh, yes, but the truth hurts sometimes. You talk about him in a way that he is just something you have to tolerate. How can you not fall in love with a 2 year old whose been dealt a very hard, unfair hand? This has nothing to do with wanting to keep him in daycare, I get that. It's just so blatantly obvious you have no motherly love for him.
He needs to stay in daycare for the consistency. He will already be dealing with a new addition. Imagine losing his friends too! You're not terrible. It would be detrimental to him to turn his entire life upside down!
I'm going to speak up on behalf of your step son. My mom married my step father when I was two, and at first everything was okay. That is until they started having kids. Immediately there was a detach with my stepfather. You could tell he favored my brothers, and I have always felt like an outcast. Everyone who knew our family saw it, and quite honestly it's sick. We have been through therapy and he says he feels remorse, but actions speak louder than words. This isn't a pity me story, I'm just saying that you saying over and over that you don't love him like your own is setting everyone up for failure. Maybe if you really, actually tried to love him, and saw him as your own, you would eventually feel that way. Starting with him calling you mom. You really need to talk to someone and get that figured out, he didn't choose you as a parent, but you chose him by marrying his father. And he deserves the very best of you and from you.
I'm heart broken over this post.I could never imagine as a women being involved with a child for 2 years and not loving him as my own. I probably would have more compassion and sympathy for him over my own children based on what he has been through. My heart goes out to the little fellow.
Re: I am a terrible person - help!
I am pretty shocked that a few people have gone as far as to say that the poor kid got stuck with you as a mother figure. Especially without having any detailed information about your relationship with your stepson. I hope you figure out this situation so that everything works out best for everyone involved. Good luck.
Why do I feel like I have to spell this out?
A. There is a mother in the picture. It is you. You are now the mother figure in this equation, like it or not.
B. Where is the book the spells out exactly what you're "supposed" to do for him? Or where exactly did you find out what you're "supposed" to do for him? Did you google it? Google can be deceiving.
C. You're not supposed to feel like he's your "own" child. He isn't. What I'm referring to is biologically, he is not your own child. Now that you've made a commitment to him and his father, he is your child. You're the mother figure to him in his life now. His biological mother is not alive to care for him and he lives with you and your husband now. you're it.
D. A lot of people don't want to take care of other obligations in addition to a baby. But, too bad. You're grown up, married and have responsibilities that you vowed to love and cherish for as long as you both shall live. As I mentioned in a previous post to you, there is nothing wrong with compromising with your husband and having the child go to daycare part time so you have time to yourself and to take care of the baby/ other things around the house....that you probably don't want to take care of anyway.
E. I am understanding of everything you said up until this point. This is where I start side eye you. You said you want to stay at home with the baby for "a time".... this leads me to believe an extended amount of time. As in, just being a full time SAHM. Recovery and bonding time are essential for a newborn, so yeah, ok I get it. Up until this point, I have my doubts about things you say but if you're going to be staying home for an extended period of time - Can you please answer why you don't want to be a SAHM for your step son, after the fact? It makes me feel like, you feel like he is not your responsibility and since you did not birth him into this world, he isn't in fact your responsibility. BUT HE IS.
F. My final conclusion based off of posts from you on this thread and in the other one is that you probably are a bad step mom. Just because you do things you're "supposed" to doesn't make you great. Going above and beyond makes you great.
@CatsAreShady - please read over section "E" if nothing else in response to your post that quoted me. I italicized why I feel the way I do and why I think people will agree with me.
Edited to clarify.
I truly don't get it. Sorry. From what I'm reading, you guys want her to go above and beyond what she'd do for her bio child to make up for the fact that the boy has no mother.
If we were talking about OP's bio son going back to daycare, no one would say a thing. But because this is her stepson, she's now expected to do things that she wouldn't do otherwise. How is that fair? How is this much different from the women who take days off of work yet still send their kids to daycare because they need a break during the day? I think people are getting so stuck on the fact that the mother died that their sympathy is clouding things. Is he supposed to get special treatment for life because his mom died? How would that benefit anyone? This would be a non issue in an intact family. But because it's a blended situation, OP is now expected to walk on eggshells and bend over backwards to prove that she's not a bad person. It's not fair.
No, he isn't supposed to get special treatment but he isn't supposed to get shitty treatment either. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have time with her newborn, I'm just saying what's wrong with keeping him sometimes? He is part of the family and needs to be able to bond as such also. In addition to that, she needs to be open to her DH's ideas also, and it sounds like he wants to pull him out. I wouldn't want to pay for it ALL week either if it wasn't necessary. Send him 3 days a week and keep him home 2. What's wrong with compromising?
I think you're all wrong with saying that because she's a blended family she needs to walk on eggshells and whatnot. Keep in mind, there are quite a few other posters who oppose her thoughts and beliefs and I'm 100% POSITIVE they're not all "intact" families.
With regards to the last paragraph (my stupid Ipad won't let me highlight/bold, etc.)...I think everyone has made it very clear that it is NOT the fact that she wants him to stay in day care so she can adjust to a newborn that we are all annoyed with. In fact, many of us have AGREED he should stay in day care so they don't lose his spot, and so he has the consistency and social interaction. No one is even saying he should get special treatment, but he should be treated like a son. She has not ONCE said she loves him. She HAS said she doesn't feel motherly to him at all, she HAS said she DOES NOT want to be a SAHM to him. If it was her biological child and she said the things she has said about this boy, everyone would react the same. If a woman chooses to marry a man with a child, especially a young child who still needs so much physical and emotional nourishment still, then she needs to sign up for the whole package.
I get your point though. Can't really argue with that. I tried lol.
Very nice debate, though! At least it was constructive and didn't result in anyone being calls nuts, or a c word. LOL.
Edited to add: Well, for the most part anyway.....
OP, you keep saying that you don't love your SS like he is your own. And that is okay and understandable. But do you love him at all? Do you have any warm and fuzzy feelings towards him?
Because it is coming off like he is an outcast living in your house.
Amen.
I think my biggest worry here is I don't think you will ever intentionally show your SS that you don't love him as much but have you ever had the saying "actions speak louder than words"? I believe body language shows how we truly feel and when he is old enough to understand your body language he will see your true feelings for him. You've stated multiple times "he's not mine" but he is... When you married his father you took him in too. Things would definitely be different if his mother were alive but she isn't. You're his mom now, and it breaks my heart that you don't see that. Nothing any of us say or do will ever make you love him the way you should. My brother adopted his daughter that his wife had from a previous relationship. My brother loves his daughter as much as he does his two biological children, and it shows. He never disciplines her any different and I feel like you will end up treating him much differently from your own child. I've never had stepchildren so I'm not sure exactly how I would feel or act but I don't think I would marry a man if I didn't want his children around and I know you're trying to say that's not the case but it certainly feels like it. I would definitely look into family therapy, and maybe try spending some one on one time with your son... That's what he is, YOUR son. And just like everyone else wrote, it's not about you wanting to keep him in daycare, it's your reasoning behind it. I really hate saying this, but yes you are being a bit selfish. I was the black sheep of my family and I know how bad it hurt to always be left out and treated differently than the other children, NO child deserves to feel that way. It has honestly scarred me for life and I have so much resentment from it. Don't do that to him.
OP, I don't know how you can sleep at night, let alone have peace of mind with how you regard this child, technically your son.
I sure hope you do some soul searching before you have "your" child so you don't cause a little boy a lifetime of heartache.
You really need to talk to someone and get that figured out, he didn't choose you as a parent, but you chose him by marrying his father. And he deserves the very best of you and from you.