I am a terrible person - help!

themusicignites9

Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child. 

Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways? 

I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home. 

Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?

PrimRoseMama

You aren't terrible. I think a good point to bring to your husband is that taking his son out of a familiar routine is a bad idea.

You need time home by yourself with baby & your SS can continue to go to school with his friends.

Yes money is awesome, but there is more than just money going on here. It's familiar structure.

JeeGooDowster

I don't think you're a terrible person for feeling this way...I mean you don't hate your step-son, do you?  I just take it as you would rather spend time alone with just your child?  Is there any way to meet in the middle where your step-son can go half a week to day care and half a week stay with you?  

Saratiff

themusicignites9 said:

Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child. 

Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways? 

I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home. 

Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?

So while I don't think your terrible for wanting step son to stay in day care for your time off some of things you mentioned about your step son do bother me.

You are the only mother he has ever known. Kids are wicked perseptive and you flat out mentioned you love your child more and feel more connected to your own. Your step son is going to feel that his entire life. When you married his father you agreed to be this poor kids mother. I think you need therapy before your child is born and take a serious look at your feelings or you are setting up your step son for a world of pain and resentment. He will always feel like a second class citizen in his own house.

I have a step mother and my biological mother is still alive and even after 25 years of them being married I remember how it stung when she clearly favored her own kids.

mamaloaf

I'll stay away from your family dynamics. Have you brought this idea up with the daycare? If you pull him out, they don't have to save his spot if they've got another paying customer who wants it. Have you considered the implications of this, beyond financially? 

CatsAreShady

It's natural to feel more for your in child than you do for your step child. I have 3 step kids and they are lovely, lovely children. However, we do not share that motherly bond because I'm not their mom. As long as your actions are fair and you treat the child kindly, that's all you can really ask of yourself. So many people will make you think that you're a horrible person for not loving them like your own. Ignore that, seriously. There are legitimate hormonal reactions that are responsible for that motherly bond that can't really be replicated. You can control your actions towards the child but you can't control your feelings, which are perfectly natural.

I think you should be able to use that postpartum time to bond with your own child instead of spending that time feeling guilty and resentful that you can't give your baby your full attention during that time. That $750 for daycare is payment toward your own sanity. You are not terrible for wanting that. With my own kids, I kept my older ones at home for a week and then it was back to the usual schedule. I needed the time to be able to bond with the baby as much as I did with my older ones. As a FTM, you'll need that time to adjust and deal with crazy hormone changes. How about the son stays home for as long as dad is home? It's not easy balancing the demands of a newborn with a preschooler (believe me, I know) and it would help if dad was there to pick up the slack. Is that a workable compromise?

themusicignites9

Thank you, CatsAreShady. I posted this on my July 2015 due date board as well and almost all of the responses have been the "how can you not love this poor little boy with no mommy???" stuff. 

It is a different feeling when it is your own child and I'm ok with that, and his dad gets it too. He's not being neglected or abused because I don't feel some magical way about him. Just not sure how I can rightfully ask his dad to keep spending the money when I'm not working. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he were my own kid, I don't think!

CatsAreShady

themusicignites9 said:

Thank you, CatsAreShady. I posted this on my July 2015 due date board as well and almost all of the responses have been the "how can you not love this poor little boy with no mommy???" stuff. 

It is a different feeling when it is your own child and I'm ok with that, and his dad gets it too. He's not being neglected or abused because I don't feel some magical way about him. Just not sure how I can rightfully ask his dad to keep spending the money when I'm not working. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he were my own kid, I don't think!

I figured you'd get those comments. The expectations that people have of step parents is unreal AND unrealistic. You can feel love for a stepchild, for sure. But I think people are severely underestimating the parental bond when they say it should be easy to just love any child like they're your own. No one knows what it's like until they're in your shoes.

I think you're going to have to be candid with him. Explain how you need that time to adjust to being a new mom and getting used to having your baby. The boy will fair better at daycare where he'd be able to get much more stimulation during the day rather than be cooped up at home with a crying baby. Or offer to have him go for a few days a week instead of daily. It's also better to stay consistent with his schedule. Be honest and be open to compromise. But also let your needs be known, only do what you can handle.

MummyMegs

It's likely better for stepson not to be pulled out of a social setting that's helpful at 4 yrs (school soon!).

See if he can keep his place but with maybe a day or 2 at home with you. It's also possible that raising them together in those early days (though not ALL the time) will help foster more of a bond which, I think, is healthy for you both. It's great that you can admit the difference you feel, but likely best for all involved if A bond (not THE bond of mom and child) can be created...you are not a terrible person at all for feeling this way, but this is a kid with no mom...you'll likely slide into those feelings, just not right away. And that's healthy.

HaruhiChan

I don't think you are terrible.

It all comes down to how you treat him.

I grew up as a step child in a family who clearly favoured the biological children.

Can I say something about this experience that may help?

I was always the one they were strictest on, the one that had less freedom and the one that was ignored the most. Even my biological mother sided with her husband and their biological daughter. I was always kept out of the family in ways. Their daughter was given everything, while I was just the ugly reminder of past baggage.

Your step son doesn't have this history, he lost his mother. It's okay you don't feel the same connection to him. It's okay you don't feel that motherly bond to him. You are not terrible to feel this way.

But you know what? As long as you show equal fairness, inclusiveness, and attention to him, there's still a good bond potential and he will still feel like he is a part of the family. You may not be his mom, and you don't have to be, BUT you are his only mother figure to him now. It's a hard balance, but it's how you handle the situation and how you treat him that will make the difference.

Sorry, I feel a little strongly on this kind of situation, but I think there's still so much that can be done in this situation that can be positive

blush64

themusicignites9 said:

Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child. 

Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways? 

I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home. 

Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?

I don't think you are a terrible person for not loving your step-son like your own but was your husband aware of your lack of feeling toward his son when you got married and planned a family? I don't expect my husband to love my sons as if they were his own but I wouldn't have considered marrying him if he merely tolerated them. The way you worded it sounds like you have very little feeling toward him-you do what you are supposed to do, no motherly feelings, get along ok. 

I would think the best place for him is daycare because kids can usually pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for and staying home with someone who doesn't want him there doesn't sound healthy. Too late now but maybe you and your husband should have tried fostering more of a relationship and bond between you and your step-son before adding a baby. It woudl still be different when you had your own child but maybe it would have been easier. This child is going to feel the difference between the love and bond you have with your baby vs. the way you tolerate him and do what you are supposed to do. If you and his father aren't careful this could affect him throughout his entire life. Maybe counselling would be helpful as PP mentioned.

Not feeling the same love or bond doesn't make someone bad or wrong. It really depends on what you do about it.

CatsAreShady

HaruhiChan said:

I don't think you are terrible.

It all comes down to how you treat him.

I grew up as a step child in a family who clearly favoured the biological children.

Can I say something about this experience that may help?

I was always the one they were strictest on, the one that had less freedom and the one that was ignored the most. Even my biological mother sided with her husband and their biological daughter. I was always kept out of the family in ways. Their daughter was given everything, while I was just the ugly reminder of past baggage.

Your step son doesn't have this history, he lost his mother. It's okay you don't feel the same connection to him. It's okay you don't feel that motherly bond to him. You are not terrible to feel this way.

But you know what? As long as you show equal fairness, inclusiveness, and attention to him, there's still a good bond potential and he will still feel like he is a part of the family. You may not be his mom, and you don't have to be, BUT you are his only mother figure to him now. It's a hard balance, but it's how you handle the situation and how you treat him that will make the difference.

Sorry, I feel a little strongly on this kind of situation, but I think there's still so much that can be done in this situation that can be positive

Well said. I always think of step parenting as feelings versus actions. Sometimes your actions can trick your feelings into following along. But if there's one thing that I can't stand, it's when kids aren't treated fairly. Now I don't believe fair=equal, even in an intact family. But fair as in everyone feels included and isn't denied attention in any way. There are other ways to include the son besides keeping him home with her day after day for 3 months.

KonaCoffeeBean

Saratiff said:

themusicignites9 said:

Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child. 

Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways? 

I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home. 

Am I a terrible person for feeling this way?

So while I don't think your terrible for wanting step son to stay in day care for your time off some of things you mentioned about your step son do bother me.

You are the only mother he has ever known. Kids are wicked perseptive and you flat out mentioned you love your child more and feel more connected to your own. Your step son is going to feel that his entire life. When you married his father you agreed to be this poor kids mother. I think you need therapy before your child is born and take a serious look at your feelings or you are setting up your step son for a world of pain and resentment. He will always feel like a second class citizen in his own house.

I have a step mother and my biological mother is still alive and even after 25 years of them being married I remember how it stung when she clearly favored her own kids.

I agree with all of this, especially looking into some family therapy. I fully agree that step parents are held to some unfair standards, but you were able to choose this situation, your step son could not. All that aside, I would not take your step son out of daycare for three months, because, as PPs have mentioned, continuity is gold for a small child.

Saratiff

I'm sorry but if something happened to me and my husband remarried and had a baby with someone who essentially just tolerated my daughter would devastate me. You admitted that you have no maternal feelings toward the child and just do what's right by him. I'm
Sorry he deserves better than that. Particularly because he is going to spend his life watching you love another child and tolerate him. I still say you need therapy.

trytry38ever

I agree with others on therapy, and also that you do not have to love your step son as your own. However I believe if you where not ready to be a proper mother to your step son then you should not have gotten married until you knew for sure you could give the child the best chance in life and being equal to any other children you may have or at least as close as possible. With that said I would not pull him out of day care for the full 12 weeks but I would maybe have a few days after the first week or two where he says home either like twice a week or maybe have the full last week off. That way you will get use to having two children in the house because you will have days where both of them are at home and you can use it as practice and not feel overwhelmed when this does happen.

CaliforniaDream87

Saratiff said:

I'm sorry but if something happened to me and my husband remarried and had a baby with someone who essentially just tolerated my daughter would devastate me. You admitted that you have no maternal feelings toward the child and just do what's right by him. I'm
Sorry he deserves better than that. Particularly because he is going to spend his life watching you love another child and tolerate him. I still say you need therapy.

This,this,this and this again!

NittanyPA

Here or July 2015, based off everything you said, I think you are a pretty close to being a terrible person.

Step kid didn't ask for this hand to be dealt to him either. No one is asking you to coddle the kid 24/7 but don't just blow him to the way side because you don't feel like taking care of him.

inLOVEalready715

if this 4 year old was your biological child, would you leave him in daycare or would you have him stay home with you and the new baby while you aren't working?  I think that is the real difference, you don't seem to want him to stay in school for socialization, you seem to not want him home because he isn't yours.  

irelandsangel81

Since U stopped replying on the July board because we didn't agree with you I'll ask here too...

@themusicignites9 I have to know...I'm guessing that when you started dating your husband you knew he had a son correct? Did it not occur to you that by marrying his father you would be his mother? Does he call you mom or does your son call you by your first name?

If he calls you mom then you need to shape up and fast because he will always wonder why his "mom" treats his sibling better. If you truly don't love this little boy and (from what it sounds like) have no intention of changing then you don't deserve the title of mom for him and he should call you Mrs. Lastname. You need to set the tone of the relationship you have with boy before you cause irreversible damage.

KonaCoffeeBean

Honestly, it's the dad in this situation that really infuriates me. It just doesn't come across that he was considering his son when he entered into this marriage.

Miz_Liz

I have a hard enough time watching news stories about young babies/toddlers who were killed in the hands of their own parents without thinking I wish they would have given their child to me, I would have loved them and treated them the way they deserved. My heart breaks for this little boy...he is 4, not some bratty teenager talking back. He did not ask for his mom to die when he was 6 months old. Unfortunately for him, you are probably the closest thing he will ever have to a mother in this world and it sounds like you want to rob him of that. How old was he when you married his dad? I just can't even phathom it, just can't. I look at my friends children or any small child for that matter and just can't imagine them not having a loving mother. I can understand wanting a child of your own, to go through being pregnant, giving birth, raising that child, but what I cannot understand is how you can marry this little boy's father, love him, but not love the boy like your own family too. Breaks my heart.

Miz_Liz

I just read your reply on the July board that you have been with the dad for two years....so that boy was TWO. How, I mean seriously HOW can a two year old not steal your heart?!

HaruhiChan

I no longer associate with my mother or my step family. I don't have a mother, nor really a mother figure. All because I was not really treated like I belonged in the family. I would not want to see any child ever go through that.


I think, the least you can do is treat him fairly and be there for him as best as he can. You don't have to FEEL the same connection with him, but he still does deserve love, attention, and a sense of family. At least, those are the things I personally would have liked to have had growing up. Kids are very smart with figuring things out. So, careful with how you treat him and how you treat your child. They're both family and should always feel that same sense of love and belonging.

The OP did say in her first post that she wouldn't even want her own child home with her in this situation.


I think the OP can foster a good relationship with her step son, and I think he can grow up just as loved. All the OP is wanting is some time to adjust to having her own child because she's never experienced it before. Having a newborn is a different experience than having a toddler and preschooler. She wants some time to adjust to that.

She has actually never specified that she did not want her step son. She said she wanted some alone time to adjust.

asun123

I've never met the little boy and I feel like I already love him more than you. I feel so bad for him that you are his motherly figure. I hope your husband remarries to a loving mother. It's disappointing to see that there are parents like you out there. I totally understand wanting to keep him in daycare while you take care of newborn. My 2 year old will be staying in daycare while I am on maternity leave. But that's because he loves it there and has lots of friends. But that's just because I am thinking about my child and what's best for him. You're thinking about yourself. It's sad to read your selfish words and that you find no wrong in them.

themusicignites9

He calls me by my name, not mom, for those who asked. Also for those who asked, his father is well aware of my feelings and doesn't think I'm wrong. I'm way harder on myself about it than he is. He tells me he was never trying to find a replacement mommy, he was hoping for someone who would accept that he had a full time son, but he never expected anyone to be the boys mother, and I go above and beyond his expectations for raising a child that's not my own.
I wouldn't want him home all the time if he were my own child. I don't feel thrilled with asking my husband to continue to pay for daycare when I am home, but I want to figure out what this baby stuff is all about without a 4 year old needing my attention as well!

asun123

themusicignites9 said:

He calls me by my name, not mom, for those who asked. Also for those who asked, his father is well aware of my feelings and doesn't think I'm wrong. I'm way harder on myself about it than he is. He tells me he was never trying to find a replacement mommy, he was hoping for someone who would accept that he had a full time son, but he never expected anyone to be the boys mother, and I go above and beyond his expectations for raising a child that's not my own.
I wouldn't want him home all the time if he were my own child. I don't feel thrilled with asking my husband to continue to pay for daycare when I am home, but I want to figure out what this baby stuff is all about without a 4 year old needing my attention as well!

I wish your husband would have made a better choice for his son.

Miz_Liz

themusicignites9 said:

He calls me by my name, not mom, for those who asked. Also for those who asked, his father is well aware of my feelings and doesn't think I'm wrong. I'm way harder on myself about it than he is. He tells me he was never trying to find a replacement mommy, he was hoping for someone who would accept that he had a full time son, but he never expected anyone to be the boys mother, and I go above and beyond his expectations for raising a child that's not my own.
I wouldn't want him home all the time if he were my own child. I don't feel thrilled with asking my husband to continue to pay for daycare when I am home, but I want to figure out what this baby stuff is all about without a 4 year old needing my attention as well!

It isn't the fact that you want him to stay in day care while you adjust to being a new mom and caring for an infant, it is the fact that you had to go out of the way to add that you don't feel motherly towards him or love him like your own and that you DO want to be a stay at home for awhile for your child but you DON'T want to for him. It is all of that extra that you added that has blown my mind and broken my heart. I can understand leaving him in day care, especially since as others have stated pulling him may lose his spot when you go back to work and kids his age thrive in a day care setting with other children and structure. THAT part is not want makes it so mind boggling, it is everything else.

CaliforniaDream87

themusicignites9 said:

. He tells me he was never trying to find a replacement mommy, he was hoping for someone who would accept that he had a full time son, but he never expected anyone to be the boys mother, and I go above and beyond his expectations for raising a child that's not my own.
I

So, he hoped someone would just "accept" his son? Like he's some sort of pet? "the boy"? Even the way you speak about him sounds so unattached.

Dude...ouch.

(I have no other words)

samanthaj0e

Yeah I'm confused why you'd mention not feeling motherly towards him if that didn't have anything to do with it?

What makes me mad is that MOST of us in July 2015 were understanding. We said it's okay to feel a certain way, so long as you act a certain way regardless. And then you come on here and bash us? Ok cool.

We were understanding UNTIL you started to justify your behavior. You don't have to justify your feelings - feelings are allowed to be irrational! But don't ask us something and then POUT about the reactions you get.

You have some maturing to do, both in your home and in your heart. Best wishes, buttercup. :-\"

Miz_Liz

And might I add....if numerous people have given you the same response on both bords and you yourself put the title, "I am a terrible person - help" then clearly even you agree with the responses you are getting. Sounds like it is time to seek professional help before further damage is done to this poor boy who has already suffered enough losing his mom and having a dad who doesn't care about his son having a mother figure in his life.

dtomasel

I agree with a lot of the other posters. It sounds as if there is some underlying resentment towards this young boy. He's being pulled into this situation he didn't choose it his Dad did! I was lucky enough to have my biological dad growing up AND an amazing step dad when my mom remarried. He not only ADORED me but treated me like his own!! Even after my half brother and sister came into the picture. I know plenty of people and some really close friends of mine who have remarried or have a child from a prior relationships and their partners adore those kids. It's one of those things that makes you love someone- how the treat your child that makes you love them even more. I get the whole argument that it's not "your" child and you didn't carry him but that means you can't love him?? Do people who adopt their children love them any less?? A lot of people out there can carry a child as a woman or be a sperm donor as a man- it's who raised you and loves you every day that is the true parent in my eyes. The poor kid lost his mom and just wants someone to love him- give him a shot!!

inLOVEalready715

Here is the thing, maybe when you met your husband he said these things so that you wouldn't feel pressured but now that you're having a child together things are different. These kids have to be treated as equals. Also sounds like DH thought having a kid fulltime would make it much harder to find a relationship and he settled rather than looking for someone who would take them on as a pair. If a man told me he wasn't looking for someone to love his son as their own...I certainly wouldn't give him more children....hopefully nothing happens to you because DH won't have your kid's back either

CatsAreShady

Wow. But I'm not too surprised.
There's how you feel and there's how you act. I don't love my step kids like I love my own kids but they don't know the difference. Of course you understand that the kid/kids were there first and that you'll have a major role in their lives. But you can't fault OP for her feelings. If anything, I commend her for still doing what she has to do for him and she said they get along fine.

Good intentions going into marriage is met with the reality of things. We all know that there are many situations where the stepparent is neglectful or abusive but dont let that color every situation you see. The reality is that the poor boy lost his mom and she stepped up to help be a mother figure, but she's not his mom. That doesn't mean she treats him badly or he's being neglected (from what I've read. If that's the case then that's another story entirely). Wanting to bond with her own child for its first 3 months of life isn't selfish. She doesnt want to ship him away, she just wants to continue their routine. I have 3 kids and I kept my kids home for a week with the baby, then back to school/playdates they went so that I got time with the baby. Why is that only wrong when it involves stepkids? There are a lot of a assumptions being thrown around here.

Being a step parent is much harder and much more complicated than simply saying "love them as your own". Everyone else always knows the answers until they are in that situation, for real. Blended families have a 50-60% divorce rate because of issues like these. It took my DH and I a few years to get settled into roles that EVERYONE was happy with, which included many self help books and visits to a family therapist who specialized in blended families. Just my $0.02.

GSUDavis

Wow. Just wow!

I grew up with a wonderful stepdad. This was man that met my mom in his mid thirties, had no aspirations of having kids and by all respects was a hardened career Navy man. But he dated my mom for 10 years before they finally got married and let me tell you, that man that never wanted kids *never once* made me or my brother feel like we were unloved. Before they got married or after. AND we were both full on asshole teenagers when he met my mom. That same wonderful man later walked me down the isle and I'm naming my first child after him.

I can't even fathom you fully entering into a marriage where you "tolerate" your husband's child and don't want him around while you raise your own. Seriously, wtf?! I agree with other posters and think that you need some personal counseling and some family counseling as well. And I agree with you as well, you are a terrible person.

inLOVEalready715

the problem with not keeping him home is because he isn't in school.  He is in day care, because both parents work.  If he was in kindergarten you of course leave him in school, but that is not the case here.  or even take him to preschool for a half day for the socialization, but the feelings behind these decisions are being made selfishly and not with the benefits of this child in mind at all.  "getting along fine"  is how you tolerate a coworker, not a living, breathing child, who lives in your home and depends on your for everything...HE IS 4 YEARS OLD!

CatsAreShady

I guess my thing is that everyone is assuming that the kid is unloved and neglected when that's not what I'm getting from this. She never said she didn't love the kid at all, just not like her own kid. Hownis that wrong? What would be wrong is ACTING like you love your kid more and treating the stepkid as such. Plus, this isn't a permanent situation, we're talking something temporary for just a few months. We tell pregnant women all the time that being selfish is okay when giving birth. I made plans for my older kids so that I had a few hours every day to be "selfish" and bond with my new baby. My middle child isn't in school and is mostly home with me, but I still set up playdates for her to get her out of the house and out of my hair for a bit. I made that decision "selfishly" as well. I just don't understand why that's wrong just because the child is a stepchild and not her bio child.

NittanyPA

CatsAreShady said:

I guess my thing is that everyone is assuming that the kid is unloved and neglected when that's not what I'm getting from this. She never said she didn't love the kid at all, just not like her own kid. Hownis that wrong? What would be wrong is ACTING like you love your kid more and treating the stepkid as such. Plus, this isn't a permanent situation, we're talking something temporary for just a few months. We tell pregnant women all the time that being selfish is okay when giving birth. I made plans for my older kids so that I had a few hours every day to be "selfish" and bond with my new baby. My middle child isn't in school and is mostly home with me, but I still set up playdates for her to get her out of the house and out of my hair for a bit. I made that decision "selfishly" as well. I just don't understand why that's wrong just because the child is a stepchild and not her bio child.

We could probably play the " it's wrong to assume " game all day long with this post.

The tone of just her whole post is what is getting people pissed off. She basically doesn't feel like dealing with him. No one expects her to love the child the same way she would love her own, but he shouldn't be pushed to the way side. This child didn't ask for this either.

 

Clearly, she knows she's a terrible person if she's making the post title straight up saying, "I'm a terrible person."

 

 

themusicignites9

I didn't mean I'm a terrible person for not loving the kid like my own - he's not my own! No one said I wanted him pushed to the side, either - I just want him to continue going to his program while I'm home with the baby so I can get used to having a newborn around as well.

I meant is it terrible to ask dad to keep paying for daycare for him? Sorry if it wasn't clear what I was asking. 

The truth is I don't love this boy as if he were my son, he's not my son, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he was my own, either. 

CatsAreShady

NittanyPA said:

CatsAreShady said:

I guess my thing is that everyone is assuming that the kid is unloved and neglected when that's not what I'm getting from this. She never said she didn't love the kid at all, just not like her own kid. Hownis that wrong? What would be wrong is ACTING like you love your kid more and treating the stepkid as such. Plus, this isn't a permanent situation, we're talking something temporary for just a few months. We tell pregnant women all the time that being selfish is okay when giving birth. I made plans for my older kids so that I had a few hours every day to be "selfish" and bond with my new baby. My middle child isn't in school and is mostly home with me, but I still set up playdates for her to get her out of the house and out of my hair for a bit. I made that decision "selfishly" as well. I just don't understand why that's wrong just because the child is a stepchild and not her bio child.

We could probably play the " it's wrong to assume " game all day long with this post.

The tone of just her whole post is what is getting people pissed off. She basically doesn't feel like dealing with him. No one expects her to love the child the same way she would love her own, but he shouldn't be pushed to the way side. This child didn't ask for this either.

 

Clearly, she knows she's a terrible person if she's making the post title straight up saying, "I'm a terrible person."

 

 

I don't get how he's being pushed way to the side anymore than I did with my own kids. She just wants him to stay in daycare during the day, not ban him to stay chained in the basement for 3 months. I took her title to mean that she felt terrible for wanting this time to bond with her baby, not that she doesn't love him. I don't agree that she's terrible for wanting that relatively small amount of time.

Miz_Liz

themusicignites9 said:

I didn't mean I'm a terrible person for not loving the kid like my own - he's not my own! No one said I wanted him pushed to the side, either - I just want him to continue going to his program while I'm home with the baby so I can get used to having a newborn around as well.

I meant is it terrible to ask dad to keep paying for daycare for him? Sorry if it wasn't clear what I was asking. 

The truth is I don't love this boy as if he were my son, he's not my son, and that's ok. I wouldn't want him home all the time if he was my own, either. 

What is interesting is you do keep repeating you don't love him like your own, but I have yet to see you say once that you even love him. If I were in your shoes and everyone was "misunderstanding" my post so much I would be sure to clear the air and spell out that I loved him, etc. You haven't done that. I have reread your original post multiple times looking for a shred of evidence that we are misreading it...HOPING to find a shred of evidence that is the case so I can stop feeling so sorry for that little boy, but it is just not there. I don't even pick up the vibe that you WANT to love him like your own. I am just so scared for how his life will be once your biological child is in the picture. I hope that we are all wrong and you never make him feel like you want him any less than you want your own, I truly do hope we are wrong...but I am just not getting that.

asun123

I'm thinking maybe you weren't loved as a child. And that you now don't know how to love.

The amount of sadness I have for the two kids that have you as a "mom" is overwhelming. 

It's just horrible that he probably had a wonderful mother but got you instead.

I'll always have that poor little boy in my thoughts. His mother is watching over him and protecting him always, that's the only thing I can think about to ease my mind.