Bad stepmother?

themusicignites9 · March 2015

Hello all - almost 26wks along here with my first baby. Hoping for some opinions or advice, or maybe even someone in a similar boat. I am step-mother to a little boy who just turned 4, and he lives with his father and me full-time. His mother died when he was 6 months old, so there is no mother even in the picture. I treat this little boy well, we get along fine and I do what I am supposed to for him, but I can't honestly say that I feel motherly to him or love him like he's my own child.

Ideally, when this baby comes (beginning of July), I'd like to stay home for at least my allowed 12 weeks under FMLA, maybe even more. The issue is this: my step-son is currently in preschool/daycare that we pay for (almost $750 a month), but his father wants to take him out of it for the time that I am home with the baby. He figures, why pay $750 a month to daycare when I am home anyways?

I understand the money aspect from his point of view, but I've been saving for my time off since I found out I was pregnant, and we will be fine financially. The truth is, I don't want to take care of his son all day in addition to a baby. I know it's not "right" to say it, but I don't feel the same about his son as I do my own child already, and I DO want to stay home with my baby for a time, but I DON'T want to be a stay-at-home to my stepson as well, and since he is already in a daycare, I don't see why he can't just stay in it even though I'm home.

Am I a terrible person for feeling this way? (also posted in 2nd trimester)

samanthaj0e · March 2015

I wouldn't say you're terrible for feeling the way you do. Feelings are always valid. Rational? Not at all. But that's okay.

Personally I would suck it up, and if you don't love that little boy you had better act like it. You married his dad, so you married him too. You made that commitment. Even if you feel differently, it's just one of those things that you're obligated to swallow.

ETA: Even if you want time alone with the new baby, which is totally normal and may not have anything to do with your step son, try to consider how it would make him feel when you stay home with the baby without him. Even if your reasoning had nothing to do with that, maybe it's not worth risking making him feel left out and unloved. Poor little boy

mseale · March 2015

I think the greatest gift you can give that little boy is to love him like you are his mother.

Now, whether he stays home with you... when you have more children, will you want any to stay home with you or just the newborn? I can completely see how you may want to leave a child in daycare to give you bonding time with the little one. I can also see how saving that money when you are out of work is a benefit. Try and think of it as what you would do when your next child comes.

I would also think it is completely valid to leave him in daycare the first month as you may not be up for taking care of a newborn, recovering yourself, and taking care of a little one. Then you have to decide on the next two months. (assuming you are taking 12 weeks).

Also, will your daycare hold the spot if you pull him for 2 months?

hwood5 · March 2015

I agree with the PP. If you don't love that little boy like your own then you really better act like it. He has no other mother. He is four years old now and he will start noticing the differences in your behavior towards him vs. a new baby. Imagine what it will feel like for him to not have a mom, and always feel second best to his sibling? It could lead to resentment between them, or towards you.

cls2015 · March 2015

Maybe he can go to daycare part-time; like two days a week. This will give you some time at home alone with your newborn, but your step-son will still get to spend more time with you and your newborn. I'm sure it will make him feel special and important if he gets this extra time with his new sibling.

But, like others said, you need to treat him like your own. You are the other mom he knows.

asun123 · March 2015

This just makes me really sad.

I have a 2 year old who is not the biological son to my fiance. My son has no real dad and calls my fiance dad.

My fiance always says he loves my son just as much as he loves his unborn child. And I sure hope he's telling the truth.

If he didn't love my son as much as the one we are having together. That would seriously be a deal-breaker for me.

I hope your husband gives his son lots of love so he doesn't ever feel less loved than the new baby.

kladd7182 · March 2015

Wow... There are so many variables here. First of all, point blank you sound like you care for that boy the way a babysitter would. "We get along fine", "I do what I'm supposed too". You married his father, since his mother is dead you are now his mother figure. So start acting like it. This post basically says,"I want to spend time with MY baby, not taking care of HIS child". Guess what lady? He's part of the package! You do realize his life wk be changing when this new baby comes too right? Frankly, your 12 weeks could be used as bonding time for the three of you. You took on the roll of step mother, and part of parenting is helping a child adjust and adapt. Which is exactly what kids of any age need help with when adding in a new sibling. Pull up your big girl panties, start ACTING like you love that boy. If at any point you get miserable from caring for him and "your child" maybe you should reevaluate your marriage. That boy was part of the package you married.

sekosmides · March 2015

I'm terrified this will happen with my husband. I don't think it will, he sees my daughter as much his little girl as her dad's, but still scary. How long have you been with the dad? These things take time.

themusicignites9 · March 2015

I've been with the dad 2 years. I thank you all for your opinions, but it's less about my feelings for his son and more about not wanting to have to chase around a 4 year old while being a first time mom trying to get used to/take care of a newborn. His father has never expected me to be this boys mom, I'm his stepmother and we have a good relationship, but I'm not his mom and the expectations never were that I would become his mom. I just feel guilty asking for the money to go to daycare still while I am home, but the thought of having his son home all the time too is overwhelming.

samanthaj0e · March 2015

themusicignites9 said:
I've been with the dad 2 years. I thank you all for your opinions, but it's less about my feelings for his son and more about not wanting to have to chase around a 4 year old while being a first time mom trying to get used to/take care of a newborn. His father has never expected me to be this boys mom, I'm his stepmother and we have a good relationship, but I'm not his mom and the expectations never were that I would become his mom. I just feel guilty asking for the money to go to daycare still while I am home, but the thought of having his son home all the time too is overwhelming.

I get that. But, it will still seem to him that that's the reason why. So, you kinda just need to do it. It's not worth making him feel unloved.

And I don't care what the expectation was between you and his father... you've been around since he was 2, you're the female role model in his life. You're his mother figure, like it or not.

desquinones · March 2015

I second what another previous post said about the boy going daycare part time. This allows you the time with THE (not yours) baby and THE (not his) boy. I don't want to comment on any emotions or coments you have expressed about the boy. But I will tell you that I was born to a teenage unwed mother who eventually married as did my biological father. I guess I was lucky enough to have two fathers and two mothers. I don't have step fathers/mothers. I have two sets of parents who have always loved me unconditionally.

werehavingababy2233 · March 2015

If my husband married someone who got along with my kids just fine and only do what they are "supposed" to do (what does that even mean? Like feed him? Water him? He's not a pet!) I would be completely heart broken. How could you not love this little boy as your own?! He only has you to look up too! I don't know how women just can't love another women's child. This boy needs love from a mother figure not his dad's 'girlfriend' who he's not serious about.

Treat and raise that poor baby as you would want someone to treat/raise your child/ren if God forbid you pass away when they where so young!

Plus won't he be in school in the fall?

My rant is over.

sekosmides · March 2015

I totally understand being overwhelmed, I'm overwhelmed with the thought of my almost 8 year old being home all day when I'm trying to wrangle a new baby.

That being said, the hardest thing I've ever had to learn about parenting - it's not about me and what I want. I didn't really feel like picking lice out of my daughter's hair for 5 hours this weekend. I don't always feel like cooking her dinner or giving her a bath or reminding her a million times to put on clean underwear and return her library books. But I do because I'm the grown up, and at minimum I don't want her to be a dirty gutter child.

jessicayounghouse · March 2015

My husband would like for our two year old and one year old to stay home with me when the new baby comes also, and I'm DEFINITELY NOT sold on the idea. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that can replace the time you spend with your newborn in the first weeks of his or her life. It's important you get to spend that time bonding. With that being said, every family is different and different things work for different people. The most important thing is that you share your feelings openly with your husband. Communication doesn't get easier with a newborn in the house, so be upfront and totally honest about your feelings now! It may end up being a game time decision. You'll be surprised how you change emotionally when you have your baby. It might make you feel differently than you do now about having your four year old stay home with you. For all we know, that four year old boy could melt your heart the first time he meets his new baby and that might have you whistling a different tune! It seems so overwhelming now, but you'll be able to handle anything. You're a mom after all, that's what we do! But like I said, communication with your husband will be the key here. Good luck!

AmommyB · March 2015

Maybe if you give this a chance you might be pleasantly surprised. I was lucky enough to be adopted by the man that married my mom when I was two. He was never a stepfather, and he always made sure I never felt like a stepkid. I understand you having trepidations about chasing a four year old around with a new baby but think for one minute of what you and this little boy could gain TOGETHER by staying home with the baby. He and you could both form a bond that you never thought possible. If it just doesn't sound appealing then you could do part time day care for him. Personally though I think by keeping these firm boundaries you are holding your family back.

SofiaIsabel · March 2015

it might just be the hormones but i literally cried when i read this.

my heart breaks for this little boy. i worry for him, that he's gonna grow up feeling the same way i did. my mother remarried when i was very young and shortly after they started their 'new' family. my stepfather NEVER, not once, treated me like i was one of his own. never hugged me, never told me he loved me, never gave me fatherly advice, he basically treated me like i didn't exist. oh but when it came to his own daughters he gave them the world. it was very hurtful always being the outcast. i grew up resenting him and my mother very much.

honestly i don't know what else to say other then both your husband and stepson deserve better then this. SOMEONE better then this. you asked if you were a bad stepmother/terrible person.. Yes, yes you are. i'll be praying for that little boy.

sorry for the negative post. i'm really not that person but this is a touchy subject for me.

Koalaknuckles · March 2015

I was a stepmother to two kids. One of them was only 5 years younger than I am, so I never really had to worry about playing mom to her, she was (and still is) more my friend.

But the younger one (she was 8 when I met her dad), I'll admit it took time. Even though some PPs have disagreed, you can't force love or bonding. Even if it's with a child.

I was married for 7 years, and I can honestly say it took about 4 or 5 for me to feel like I loved those kids like they came out of me.

Doesn't make me a bad person, just human.

That said, I NEVER let them know that. I pretended like I felt like that and always said I love you back when it was said to me and treated them like they were my own.

Lying is bad the majority of the time, but why would I place my own hang ups on kids who didn't have any decision in the fact I was married to their dad? I 'sucked it up' and faked it until those feelings became real.

Being a stepmother is harder than being a birth parent sometimes, and anyone who says it isn't hasn't been in that situation (especially being a stepmother who has no children of her own).

I think that maybe the 'part-time' daycare thing is a good option for the short run. Long run? You should step up and at least try to bond with the kid.

You might find that the benefits of your relationship with him outweigh the dread of running around after him.

ellie9933 · March 2015

No offense but I feel like you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone if you can't except and love his child as your own especially since he has no other mother. All he knows is you and he will pick up vibes that he isn't loved. I hope that you show him just as much love and care as you will your own baby. I do however think as you adjust perhaps have him in preschool part time or go for the first month.

asun123 · March 2015

@sofiaisabel_84

You said what I was afraid to say.

NittanyPA · March 2015

Yeah I'm not sure why we're labeling the stepkid any differently than a child. He has no biological mother and that isn't his fault. He didn't ask to me dealt this hand in life either. You're not his biological mother but as PPs have said, you married his Dad, he is now your obligation also. I wouldn't even want to refer to him as an obligation...

I just feel like the vibe I get from this post is almost like the poor child is being side eyed to death like he's a leach of some sort....I said it once, I'll say it again...he didn't want to be dealt these cards either. I'm sure when all is said and done he would much rather have his Mama here....

As for the daycare, I understand not wanting to babysit a 4 year old on top of having a new born. I don't want to watch my dogs while I'm home with a new born either but, they're there and they're all going to be my responsibility. I saw someone else mentioned doing part time day care. That is what I was going to suggest. My in-laws currently do part time day care also. It seems to work out well so she can get things done around the house and take care of errands.

janellvigil · March 2015

Me and my husband are having our first boy together I already have two boys from previous relationship and he already has a daughter from his previous relationship so this will be his first biological son but he doesn't see it that when every one asks him if he's excited to have his first boy he replies "I already have two boys" he loves them like their his and that makes me love him more I never once told him or expected him to be their father figure he just did and as bad as his daughters mom hates me I will always be that mother figure for her when she's with us. I agree with pp if I ever died I would hope my husband would meet a women who love my children like her own and be there as a mother figure. And trust me it's not that hard to take care of a newborn and other children at the same time. I'll be quitting work and watching all four of them and I can't wait.

shaley29 · March 2015

Yes you are a bad step mother. I have a 7 year old step daughter whom has a mother, but I've been in her life since she was 2. I loved her the second I met her and treat her like my own. I couldn't imagine not loving her the way I do. You sound quite selfish, and perhaps this will change after you have the baby (one can hope). As for the daycare if they will hold his spot then yes you should keep him home as you need bonding time with him AND baby!

inLOVEalready715 · March 2015

I really really don't want to be judgey here, because I understand how this is a tough situation. I honestly love kids and think they are all treasures...I have always been very open to the idea of adoption or raising kids that are not my biological children. If you gave me anything little and helpless to take care of, I would, and I would love it and treat it like my own. There are so many ways to make a family, they come in so many forms. This little boy is still just a baby, who never had a mother... I just think this is something you should have really considered before marrying this man. Being with a person who already has kids is not for everyone, especially depending on their age...but you made this bed. I'm worried for you and your relationship going forward, I would be asking for a divorce if someone treated my child any differently that our mutual children. Its not like you wandered into a relationship with a man who had a punk teenager who hated you from day one...this is a baby, a helpless baby, who probably adores you. I hope you feel differently after your baby is born and that experience can open your heart more. You are a family, and this is your husband's son and your baby's big brother...so you really need to figure yourself out. As far as your original daycare question...I'd ask your husband if you can keep him in day care for two or three weeks in the beginning so that you can heal and rest and get acclimated to taking care of an infant...and then after that you should be a woman and start taking care of your family...YOUR WHOLE FAMILY.

qtjo5 · March 2015

OP, will you feel the same when your newborn is a little older and you have another baby on the way?

irelandsangel81 · March 2015

I think you need to replace the word bad in your title with evil. My heart breaks for your son. Yes, he is your son and not your step son. He didn't want his mother to die. U are his mother and the only mother he knows. You need to step up and take on that role. My heart even breaks for his biological mother. I couldn't even imagine having someone be this ignorant to a child.

While I completely understand ur need to bond with the new baby both of them are your children. I say send him part time to day care.

Also if something happened to my husband and I met someone who was this bad to my kids it would not work out. You need to seriously consider how this will effect your relationship in the long run. Ur husband may say he is ok with it right now but will he be down the road? Or will there be resentment built up when he sees how it affects your son.

agt104 · March 2015

Wow! This sounds like Cinderella! I agree with the previous posters please take the time to get to know him and he will be going to kindergarten in the fall right? Does he have grandparents in the picture or your parents that could maybe take him in the first week when it's really hard? I don't think you should exclude him altogether he needs a mom.

alliebarry13 · March 2015

I will pray for you, your husband, and son.

asun123 · March 2015

I seriously feel like this just screams 'I shouldn't be a mother'

amfasse · March 2015

I have a 5 year old son who will be staying home with me when the baby comes. Because daycare is expensive and a waste of money if I'm already going to be at home. I'm very thankful that it's working out this way because I don't know how we'd manage daycare costs. Yes, it will be more difficult with a newborn and a 5 year old but that's life right? And all part of being a parent. If I didn't think I could handle 2 kids at once, then I should have really re-thought this new baby. The plus side though is the my son (as an only child) is pretty self-sufficient so I'm not too worried about him being under my feet. And I am really looking forward to him having time with his new baby sister because it would kill me if he felt for a moment that he was being replaced or that the new baby was any more special than he is.

On another note, my husband is not my son's biological father. And we had several conversations about having kids and how it would effect my son. If my husband felt towards my son the way you do towards your husband's little boy, I never would have married him. He knew coming into this that it was a package deal. Despite your statement that it was never an expectation, that little boy deserves to have a mother. And he will love you regardless because that's what little kids do. Especially the ones who have lost out on something. My son LOVES my husband and is desperate for every minute they spend together and the things they get to share and it truly blesses my heart when I get to witness it. And I feel very blessed to have such an amazing husband that realizes the role he plays in my son's life and is more than willing to step up and be the man my son needs in his life. It's your job to step up and be a mother to that little boy. You're all he has. If you didn't want to be his mother, you shouldn't have married his father.

grlplz · March 2015

Does your husband know that you don't love him? I'm sorry but I just can't imagine being married to someone who doesn't love my children or expect not to be some kind of parental figure to them. If you were to die would you really want your husband to remarry someone who treated her own children better than the baby you're about to have? Especially with this situation that little boy has only ever known you as his mom. Do not let him down. He shouldn't have to feel like shit because you can't grow up enough to see that there isn't a difference between a child you shove out of you and one that came to you needing you to step up for him. Obviously it's too late but you really should have thought about this before marrying his father.

shenry43 · March 2015

I am step mother too but this little boy is 8 years old now. I completely know what you mean and how you feel. Sometimes we have to just suck it up and do what we feel is right though. I know what it's like to not love them like they are your own ( but still love them
Of course!) I feel more motherly to my baby inside of me as well. We have decided to send him to daycare this summer but only 2 days a week. It's more of a social thing and we live our provider like she's family. She practically is. Maybe you can do part time to give yourself and him a little break so you can still have alone time with the newborn.

daniellelea1985 · March 2015

Being an adult means doing shit we really don't want to do. Welcome to being a mom. (Ps, you've been a mom for 2 years already!)

I will have a 2.5 year old at home... I wish he was a 4 year old...that sounds like a breeze with a newborn!

I echo what many other posters have said, yes I think you're a terrible person. (You asked!)

AmommyB · March 2015

Wow. I just read the other thread you posted and seriously you and some other women blow me away. I was trying to stay positive with my feedback but it's clear you just want a pat on the back for being subpar. You know, you don't have to love this guy to bits right out of the gate but the fact that you have all ready made your mind up at his tender age four screams volumes. Parenting of all kinds takes time and patience and most of all a mature parent. You can be "not abusive" and still cruelly affect a child's life. My church works in outreach and I've seen the devastating effects a child feels when they aren't wanted or loved as much as their siblings. You are the reason why kids grow up with relationship issues and can't trust. You are setting this poor boy up to feel like he doesn't deserve love. Breaks my heart simply because you are too selfish to realize that having children is not about you at all. I hope you have a change of heart and realize how awful you are behaving simply by "just being a nice stepmom."

nimble33 · March 2015

I wasn't going to write anything cause this post has made me really angry. But let me get this right, you didn't like the response to the question so you put it on another bored and then slag the people off that had the nerve to NOT give you sympathy???? I just don't get women like you I really don't.

twindlej · March 2015

This post makes me sad! I have a son that is not biologically mine. He belongs to my husbands sister and he was born addicted to drugs. He was given into my husband and my custody when he was 12 days old. I love him fiercely like he came from my body! He had a mother and she is now clean, but I am raising him. He calls me mommy and my husband daddy! Anyone who ever tells me he isn't mine faces my wrath! All I think about now that there are two babies in the way is that he may feel left out! I have offers from his biological mother, and my mother in law to keep him for a time after I deliver and I declined adamantly! I want him home with me to bond with his new brothers. Even though he is only 2 I couldn't imagine him missing out on that time. I cannot understsnd how a women can be so indifferent to a motherless child. How could your husband be ok with u not wanting to be his mother!!! I'll never understand!

shenry43 · March 2015

It doesn't make u a bad person to feel how you feel. There is so much negativity here right now! I don't know how you are with your step son- but I understand. I treat my step son like he's mine but honestly when I met him I knew nothing about kids and was never even around them. I was scared. I struggle every day trying to be the best mom I can. It can be frustrating!! Keep your chin up- it will get easier. Stay patient and remember that he loves you with all of his heart.

grlplz · March 2015

^Difference is you want to be the best mom you can be. She doesn't want to be her step sons mom.

OwlieOoo · March 2015

Wouldn't you want someone to love your child like their own if you couldn't? I hope you can find it in your heart to love this little boy, he doesn't have a mother to give him the love he deserves.

janellvigil · March 2015

He deserves to stay home and bond with HIS new born sibling because that baby IS HIS sibling even though you don't see it that way

Mary Gaffney · March 2015

My heart breaks for this little boy. His mother died when he was 6 months old?

Question: How would you feel if you died when your child was 6 months and they had a step mother in a predicament like you are in? Wouldn't you want that lady to be as loving and as wanting of your child as you would have been?

Doesn't this break your own heart how you feel when it comes to this little boy?

abbymessina · March 2015

By the time my baby is born I will also have a 7 year old and a 2.5 year old. I can't even imagine not wanting to have my other children around, just because I have a "new" one. Like other ppl have said he is your child regardless of how you think or feel about it. If you went into your relationship with your SO knowing full out the circumstances you should have been willing to take on the full package.

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