I feel like this thread is going in circles. Too many responses of "Yes, BUT........"
The assumption that your DH's family will give gifts that aren't up to participate with what your family gives is really unfair. Just because they don't do thing exactly like you would, doesn't mean that what they give will be "wrong".
I think you'll fair much better if you stop being so rigid and start being more open minded. As a first time mom, you DON'T know everything regardless of how much research you do. You may find that something you were firmly against is the one thing that works the best, or something that you had to have actually doesn't work that well. Either way, stop complaining about receiving gifts. Regardless of your reasoning, it comes off as spoiled and ungrateful.
Yeah, I suppose it will be a situation where I will just smile and nod and just have to return everything I won't use. No biggie! I just think it would all be avoided if people could just accept the things I have specifically chosen. Registries are meant to be rigid! If someone isn't rigid about what they'd use for their child, maybe they shouldn't have a registry!
As a first time mom, it may be wise to listen to those before you who may buy something you don't have on your registry because you may not realize how much you may need that item. They've been there so are putting thought in for you from their experiences. To me, it'd be a bit insulting to automatically return something they put a lot of thought into just because you have some very rigid choices.
Second, many mom to bes out there have fallen on hard times, and would be ever so grateful and appreciative of the generosity of other. So again, rubbed the wrong way that someone is so worked up over getting the "wrong" stuff when they are so fortunate to have people who want to buy for them and support their new family member.
Parenting is a lot harder if someone tries to set everything in stone. What will you do if your child has a reaction to your chosen diaper brand, despite being "organic"? It's possible. Plus, you can't keep them from everything you think is bad in the world. What if your child does not take your chosen bottles well? There's so many "what ifs" out there that you don't know and can't know right now. It's unwise to go into this so set in one way. You can have ideals, but being so rigid on them can backfire on you.
Not trying to be disrespectful to your lifestyle at all. I get it actually. But the attitude about it is what really bothers me.
That, and what about future gifts for baby's birthdays and christmas? From your child's friends as she grows up? You can't control every aspect in life lol just bend a little bit here and there, or things will be a lot more harder for you than they need to be.
I do understand what you are saying, but I guess I am just one of those crunchy moms and it comes across as haughty...it's actually cheaper in my mind to be more organic and natural.
I know I am a first time mom, but I've confided in several likeminded moms on what's on my registry and they've even given me amazing baby food recipes and all too! My own mom loves my registry and helped me build it!
As for organic diapers, there are many brands available, so sure, if the baby has issues with the first one I try, I will just get another brand. Or, I will resort to cloth diapering if absolutely nothing works!
It's hard to be different sometimes, and I am fully aware of that. I plan to make baby laundry detergent, soap, baby food, etc. Some people don't care that I have chosen this for my baby, but it's really a respect thing in my book. I don't call my cousins out for feeding their babies processed foods...etc.
I'm sure it can be frustrating when people don't heed of the items you've carefully selected, but as you already know, it's going to happen. There's no use in getting stressed about it or trying to change their ways. It is what it is. Either figure out a way to mentally accept it or decline the shower and change it to a non gift-giving event.
I assume this is something you are going to have to deal with for every gift-giving holiday and birthdays with your in-laws, so it's time to stop worrying about things that are out of your control. I know that it feels like a big deal to you right now, but truly, if your biggest concern is worrying about which presents you'll need to return, things are pretty damn fabulous in your world, and you're wasting your energy on matters that really matter very very little in the grand scheme of things.
Also random thought, but if people buy you soaps or things like that, it's likely because they'll think you forgot to register for them. People won't automatically assume you'll be making them yourself.
Yeah, I know folks have the best intentions when gift-giving! I just know how distraught my MIL gets when she realizes that I've had to return something, or donate it. There's no winning.
And I get claustrophobic when my house is cluttered, so everything extra gets donated or given away ASAP.
I've decided to smile and nod when opening gifts and handling it with grace! My mom and I can divvy out the returns pile; she's already told me that she will help me return everything and buy the things off the registry with the gift cards, so I am not 8 months pregnant and doing it.
I feel like this thread is going in circles. Too many responses of "Yes, BUT........"
The assumption that your DH's family will give gifts that aren't up to participate with what your family gives is really unfair. Just because they don't do thing exactly like you would, doesn't mean that what they give will be "wrong".
I think you'll fair much better if you stop being so rigid and start being more open minded. As a first time mom, you DON'T know everything regardless of how much research you do. You may find that something you were firmly against is the one thing that works the best, or something that you had to have actually doesn't work that well. Either way, stop complaining about receiving gifts. Regardless of your reasoning, it comes off as spoiled and ungrateful.
Yeah, I suppose it will be a situation where I will just smile and nod and just have to return everything I won't use. No biggie! I just think it would all be avoided if people could just accept the things I have specifically chosen. Registries are meant to be rigid! If someone isn't rigid about what they'd use for their child, maybe they shouldn't have a registry!
What you don't seem to understand is that a registry is not a mandate. You cannot dictate to your guests what to buy you. It's their money to buy what they choose.
I know it's not a mandate! Lol!
People that go rogue in my in-law family, go VERY rogue, and then get confrontational when they realize or hear that I've had to return their gift.
To answer your question "What's so wrong with shopping off the registry?": It's just no fun, especially when the mom-to-me is so militant about it. If I had a friend who gave off the vibe that you give off in your post, I think I would just roll my eyes and tell her to buy her own darn Honest diapers. (You should know, btw, that that is a huge corporation that is probably not nearly as eco-friendly or chemical-free as their mass-marketing would lead you to believe.)
Well that's fine! But then what is the purpose of a registry? If not to be 'picky' with what you want for your baby? I mean, it's goofy to me to have people in my family ask for my registry and then tell me 'Oh, you are too specific'...lol, if I didn't care what kind of diapers I will use on my baby, I would not have specified! ) Like if you ask to see what I've got on my registry/wishlist, don't ignore what I specifically put down and get what you'd want - I'd rather just not receive a gift if that is what people will do! Gift cards are way better than getting the wrong brand, size, or something you'd never use! I love gift cards!
The issue is, the people who will ignore the registry, will also be butthurt about my Husband and I returning the items the next day to buy the items we are comfortable with using! So it's a no-win...for example, we aren't comfortable with using plastic bottles (personal preference), so if we asked for glass, and still get plastic...no one should be upset that we are returning/donating/selling them for the glass ones we asked for.
Honestly, you are a perfect candidate for not having a shower at all. The point of a shower is to give you gifts. If you're unappreciative of whatever people give you or THAT particular, you just should not be having a shower.
It's not me being unappreciative, it's me just not willing to use things that I don't believe in...like my example about the plastics v. glass bottles.
I totally want a Shower! As I said further up the thread, I want to celebrate regardless of gifts. I'll just end up buying off my own registry now, and checking things off...it's more of a list for myself anyways!
I get that you WANT a shower, but if you can't do it graciously without saying "I ONLY want what I ask for and I'm returning everything else", then you shouldn't be having one. It's rude.
Gifts won't be the focal point of my Shower though - I'm planning it with my mom and she agrees with me on that
So planning your own shower and you only want what you registered for. I can't even with this.
My mom and I are planning my Shower! We like to do DIY crafts and stuff! We planned my wedding together too, and made everything down to my veil and bouquet
To answer your question "What's so wrong with shopping off the registry?": It's just no fun, especially when the mom-to-me is so militant about it. If I had a friend who gave off the vibe that you give off in your post, I think I would just roll my eyes and tell her to buy her own darn Honest diapers. (You should know, btw, that that is a huge corporation that is probably not nearly as eco-friendly or chemical-free as their mass-marketing would lead you to believe.)
Well that's fine! But then what is the purpose of a registry? If not to be 'picky' with what you want for your baby? I mean, it's goofy to me to have people in my family ask for my registry and then tell me 'Oh, you are too specific'...lol, if I didn't care what kind of diapers I will use on my baby, I would not have specified! ) Like if you ask to see what I've got on my registry/wishlist, don't ignore what I specifically put down and get what you'd want - I'd rather just not receive a gift if that is what people will do! Gift cards are way better than getting the wrong brand, size, or something you'd never use! I love gift cards!
The issue is, the people who will ignore the registry, will also be butthurt about my Husband and I returning the items the next day to buy the items we are comfortable with using! So it's a no-win...for example, we aren't comfortable with using plastic bottles (personal preference), so if we asked for glass, and still get plastic...no one should be upset that we are returning/donating/selling them for the glass ones we asked for.
Honestly, you are a perfect candidate for not having a shower at all. The point of a shower is to give you gifts. If you're unappreciative of whatever people give you or THAT particular, you just should not be having a shower.
It's not me being unappreciative, it's me just not willing to use things that I don't believe in...like my example about the plastics v. glass bottles.
I totally want a Shower! As I said further up the thread, I want to celebrate regardless of gifts. I'll just end up buying off my own registry now, and checking things off...it's more of a list for myself anyways!
I get that you WANT a shower, but if you can't do it graciously without saying "I ONLY want what I ask for and I'm returning everything else", then you shouldn't be having one. It's rude.
Gifts won't be the focal point of my Shower though - I'm planning it with my mom and she agrees with me on that
So planning your own shower and you only want what you registered for. I can't even with this.
My mom and I are planning my Shower! We like to do DIY crafts and stuff! We planned my wedding together too, and made everything down to my veil and bouquet
You really shouldn't be planning your own shower, but honestly considering the tone of this post...
My mom and little sister (age 18) asked if I wanted to help make decorations and paint the favors with them, it's a family affair!
ladycersei said: gypsea1109 said: ladycersei said:I feel like this thread is going in circles. Too many responses of "Yes, BUT........"
The assumption that your DH's family will give gifts that aren't up to participate with what your family gives is really unfair. Just because they don't do thing exactly like you would, doesn't mean that what they give will be "wrong".
I think you'll fair much better if you stop being so rigid and start being more open minded. As a first time mom, you DON'T know everything regardless of how much research you do. You may find that something you were firmly against is the one thing that works the best, or something that you had to have actually doesn't work that well. Either way, stop complaining about receiving gifts. Regardless of your reasoning, it comes off as spoiled and ungrateful.
Yeah, I suppose it will be a situation where I will just smile and nod and just have to return everything I won't use. No biggie! I just think it would all be avoided if people could just accept the things I have specifically chosen. Registries are meant to be rigid! If someone isn't rigid about what they'd use for their child, maybe they shouldn't have a registry!
Sigh. Registries are NOT meant to be rigid. It is simply a list of suggestions. SUGGESTIONS. There is no rule that people HAVE to buy from your registry. There's no rule that people HAVE to buy you anything! Even if they ignore your registry completely, it wouldn't be considered rude because gifts are not are entitlement.
A registry is not a thesis paper than you have to edit and get approval for. It isn't a competition. You're taking it waaayyyyyyy too seriously. I had a registry for all 3 of my kids but jeeze. To say that a mother shouldn't have one just because they aren't being rigid about it is a pretty silly statement to make, especially since "parenthood" doesn't go well with being rigid about every little thing. You might want to come down from your high horse a bit.
I know it's a list of suggestions, but my choices on my list of suggestions (registry) are rigid for me. I will gladly except gifts and be very grateful for them, and send thank yous and everything! But gifts that are not what I chose to use, will be returned! The issue is, people ask for my registry, then turn their nose up and buy whateverthey want and ignore the list of suggestions I provided, and then they get upset when they realize I've returned the gift to get what I actually had listed on my registry instead.
If you are going to be so annoyed by how other people choose to spend their money on you, then you really should just do everyone a favor and not have a shower.
I had all sorts of things picked out on my registry that I liked best for various reasons and thought they were better for what I would like my kid to have. But, guess what? I was given a bunch of gifts that weren't on my registry, were different than what I asked for, and one thing was even something I was questioning it but once actually seeing it, I love it.
My reaction? I'm super grateful that someone thought about my child enough to gift them to me, and even if they're not exactly what I wanted, they do what they need to do and it's practical. I'll honour their thoughtfulness by accepting and using their gifts instead of turning my nose up and swapping them for what I wanted. Didn't get the tub I chose, but was gifted another one. Does that matter? Nope! My baby will be clean and happy either way.
There's a lot of reasons why people gifting you would be upset with you for returning their gifts. And frankly, I understand. Think of it this way. Maybe your choice of gift is more money than another item. Perhaps the person buying you that gift is tight on money and they STILL go out of their way to put thought into something you need. to me, that's a slap in the face to replace it just because it's not what you wanted exactly.
A lot of people don't get the "crunchy" way. But, you really should be a bit more considerate of their feelings instead of just replacing gifts so thoughtlessly. Duplicates is one thing, but to return it just because it's not the same as you wanted? Perhaps if you are gifted plastic bottles, save them for travel so they don't break. Gifted rags but don't want to wash the baby using them? Use them to clean up spills and messes from the baby. It's not so rigid this way. You get to use what you choose on your baby, but you also show that you actually care that they took some thought and got you something.
If I knew that someone would do that to me, I would not buy them anything because my thoughts and care would have been trampled on. A registry is more of a checklist anyways for the parents, in my opinion. I feel weirded out having people have a list to choose from. They want to spend their money on my child and I how they want to, then that's awesome! But it's not necessary.
Why not try to compromise some things? To at least show the appreciation besides a thank you and what not? Some people feel more appreciated when they see their gifts being used. If you are gifted with something you don't want to use on your child, I'm sure you can find other uses for it that won't harm your pride as a crunchy mom. I think it's actually pretty cool that you will be making your own soap and such. I just think there may be a better way to handle the gift situation. That's all.
Is there any way perhaps you can work out a compromise?
I had all sorts of things picked out on my registry that I liked best for various reasons and thought they were better for what I would like my kid to have. But, guess what? I was given a bunch of gifts that weren't on my registry, were different than what I asked for, and one thing was even something I was questioning it but once actually seeing it, I love it.
My reaction? I'm super grateful that someone thought about my child enough to gift them to me, and even if they're not exactly what I wanted, they do what they need to do and it's practical. I'll honour their thoughtfulness by accepting and using their gifts instead of turning my nose up and swapping them for what I wanted. Didn't get the tub I chose, but was gifted another one. Does that matter? Nope! My baby will be clean and happy either way.
There's a lot of reasons why people gifting you would be upset with you for returning their gifts. And frankly, I understand. Think of it this way. Maybe your choice of gift is more money than another item. Perhaps the person buying you that gift is tight on money and they STILL go out of their way to put thought into something you need. to me, that's a slap in the face to replace it just because it's not what you wanted exactly.
A lot of people don't get the "crunchy" way. But, you really should be a bit more considerate of their feelings instead of just replacing gifts so thoughtlessly. Duplicates is one thing, but to return it just because it's not the same as you wanted? Perhaps if you are gifted plastic bottles, save them for travel so they don't break. Gifted rags but don't want to wash the baby using them? Use them to clean up spills and messes from the baby. It's not so rigid this way. You get to use what you choose on your baby, but you also show that you actually care that they took some thought and got you something.
If I knew that someone would do that to me, I would not buy them anything because my thoughts and care would have been trampled on. A registry is more of a checklist anyways for the parents, in my opinion. I feel weirded out having people have a list to choose from. They want to spend their money on my child and I how they want to, then that's awesome! But it's not necessary.
Why not try to compromise some things? To at least show the appreciation besides a thank you and what not? Some people feel more appreciated when they see their gifts being used. If you are gifted with something you don't want to use on your child, I'm sure you can find other uses for it that won't harm your pride as a crunchy mom. I think it's actually pretty cool that you will be making your own soap and such. I just think there may be a better way to handle the gift situation. That's all.
Is there any way perhaps you can work out a compromise?
Well yes, and I never said I was not appreciative or thankful! I am so thankful that we have so many people who care and want to give us gifts.
As for compromising...it's hard, because I have chosen to raise my baby a certain way, and I 200% do not ever expect everyone around me to understand my 'crunchy' ways. That being said, a ton of people coming to my Shower are crunchy themselves, so it will be a nice mix at my Shower party.
I am against plastic bottles because of BPA and BPS traces, so I would not use them. I don't even use them myself, so I would never think of using them for my baby. It's just my lifestyle and personal preference. Same goes for lotions, soaps, etc., if we don't use toxic products ourselves, no way is it being used on the little one! It's not something I view as a need for a compromise, I just think we have a slightly different lifestyle - and it's totally okay! But then, people can't get upset when they realize that we regift Bath & Body Works stuff, since we will never use it ourselves, etc. People get so upset when gifts are returned, and I feel bad making others upset. But I also don't have unlimited space in my house to hang on to everything just to appease everyone. It's a rock and a hard place.
I am shocked that it's read so wrong by people who live differently! I have a section on my registry asking for hand-me-downs even, because of how recycle-friendly and earthy I am. I've already got a nursery full of hand-me-downs! It's wonderful!
It's truly a shame how you don't realize how ungrateful and spoiled you sound.
On top of that, your husband must love how disrespectful you are to his side of the family.
Ridiculous.
My Husband actually has stood very firm with his family about the registry. It's crazy - they ask for the link because they claim they have no clue what to buy us, and then they write back to us about how they refuse to purchase from it. My Husband has told his mom many times 'Remember the Bridal Shower? Remember how upset you were when you gave the same gifts as 2 other people? Registries help avoid that!'
It's very annoying! But I will smile and say thank you no matter what!
If you are going to be so annoyed by how other people choose to spend their money on you, then you really should just do everyone a favor and not have a shower.
The gifts are such a tiny part of Showers to my family and I - my family celebrates new life beginning at Showers! Plus, my mom loves to plan get togethers with the entire family, because those just do not happen enough!
Well, why don't you wait and see what your in laws actually buy before you assume that their gifts are unusable? Let's not put the cart before the horse.
Very, very true - I am just dreading the same situation happening as it did at my Bridal Shower (I've explained it to a nauseum). And we have literally already had in-law family tell us that they refuse to purchase off of our registry, for whatever reason. Oh well! I will deal with it as it comes.
Naturally, I will smile and be thankful for the caring people in our lives, but I will return all items I cannot and will not use. It's not rocket science to me, and I don't think I need to feel bad about it, if I've made myself clear via my list of suggestions/registry.
Well to each their own I suppose. I do see where you are coming from, and the different opinions and views are what make the world less boring.
I just think maybe there's room for some compromise. Maybe not the bottles, it was an example. The hand-me-down idea is practical and it's good.
Have you asked WHY people don't want to buy off the registry after they asked for it? I do think it is respectful to consider the lifestyle of the parents, but there's still a lot that needs to be worked on.
Request no soaps, no bottles... buy those yourself, but the bedding is not going to be much different than the non-organic hand me downs you may get. you can buy what you will not budge on yourself and leave options where you could work ways around.
Okay -- serious question: how did "people" know that you returned stuff they gave you for your bridal shower? Did they come over to your house and snoop around, forcing a confession out of you? Did you tell them? Or by "people were offended" do you really mean one person was offended: your MIL?
Well to each their own I suppose. I do see where you are coming from, and the different opinions and views are what make the world less boring.
I just think maybe there's room for some compromise. Maybe not the bottles, it was an example. The hand-me-down idea is practical and it's good.
Have you asked WHY people don't want to buy off the registry after they asked for it? I do think it is respectful to consider the lifestyle of the parents, but there's still a lot that needs to be worked on.
Request no soaps, no bottles... buy those yourself, but the bedding is not going to be much different than the non-organic hand me downs you may get. you can buy what you will not budge on yourself and leave options where you could work ways around.
My Husband has tried to ask what it is about our registry that his mom and their side of the family hate - I am really not sure what it is! It just feels so personal when someone literally writes back in an email (after asking for your registry link), 'well, I am not buying any of this'. I'd like to know why! I mean, I am open to advice, but I have no clue what it is. They resent my crunchy ways as it is, so I assume they are hating on me for planning to be the same with my baby.
I know my registry is more of a list for my Husband and I to go off of, but when people specifically ask to see it and then they diss it...it's awfully odd to me.
Okay -- serious question: how did "people" know that you returned stuff they gave you for your bridal shower? Did they come over to your house and snoop around, forcing a confession out of you? Did you tell them? Or by "people were offended" do you really mean one person was offended: your MIL?
Does this all just boil down to a MIL problem?
YES! It is a MIL problem. She is the type who buys picture frames and things and expects to visit you and see them hung on the wall. My Husband did not like the gifts she gave, and so we returned them to get things we actually needed. I purposely let him decide about whether or not to keep her gifts, because she has broken down and cried hysterically before and frankly, I do not care to be the reason that happens ever again. I just let him deal with his mom...she is kind of an emotional bully, who screams and cries when things don't go her way...
My Husband actually spilled the beans when she visited once (I wanted to DIE!) and he had hoped that it would 'show her' how we don't need all these extras...she got very angry and I don't really blame her because my Husband should never have been so rash about it. But this is an on-going thing. Every Christmas, every birthday...she gets us these type of things, and he's tried to tell her to just save her money in a nice way, and still she does it and then gets mad when he returns things.
I have no clue what I am supposed to do! At my bridal shower, she and 2 of her sisters all brought the same exact gift! We returned all 3 and got the one we had actually asked for on our registry, but it's nuts! Again, my Husband was actually miffed when we returned the gifts. When we were in the store, the one we had asked for was right next to the one she and her 2 sisters had gifted. He doesn't understand what is so hard about registries (I've explained to him that some people don't like to shop of off them because it's not fun). I am so thankful for such a generous MIL, but damn, what do I do? LOL
I mean, I thought it was a general rule, if you don't know someone well enough to know their house decor, you don't buy them tons of decor type things. I got a big kitchen set, towels, rugs, oven mits, etc., covered in chickens and roosters. I swear the set was something regifted...and I totally returned it. My kitchen is not chicken or rooster themed...
I know I sound bratty or whiny, but I don't know how to handle it. I know she does mean well.
Wow based on what you said but it's sounds like they may be doing all this on purpose. Maybe a passive-aggressive thing? I don't want to read too much into what you said but it sounds like they are trying to teach you guys a lesson. My advice if you want it - rise above it! You don't want to die on this hill. Good luck!
I get what you're saying about it being a hassle to trudge around to all the stores trying to return things and sell what you can't return online. If you're set on having the shower, why not bless other mothers and babies tremendously by just making one stop at your local women's shelter? It's much less hassle and perhaps will give you perspective on what an abundance you have to be able to be so particular about what you will use on your baby.
I think this is MUD, although I've enjoyed reading it. I don't think op is as "crunchy" as she claims to be. Here are the reasons why I think this:
1. If she is as environmentally friendly as she says she is, why does she have to keep hitting home the point? Okay, we GET it, you're crunchy -- you don't have to say things like "when you live a "crunchy" lifestyle like me..." In every. Single. Post. (And why does she put it in quotes all the time?)
2. She says she is going to make her own soap, yet she said she likes honest because of their soaps.
3. She doesn't cook or bake. I find this strange for two reasons: a) it's really hard to live a chemical- and processed food-free life if you don't cook your own food. Is she just eating at the whole foods salad bar every day? she doesn't cook or bake, yet she is going to be making her own baby food and even soaps? I doubt it.
4. Her rationale for not cloth diapering doesn't make sense. Baby's going to be watched by family every day? It sounds like a perfect opportunity. If grandmas don't want to clean out poopy diapers, they can put them in a bag (cloth diapering companies make special bags just for this purpose) and save them for mom and dad later. At the very least, she can cloth diaper on the days mom and dad watch her.
5. In the original post she says that the shower is a celebration of the new baby. I think she was just asking for someone to say, "no! A shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood!"
Anyway, something about this op just strikes me as trying a little too hard to create drama. I'll get off my soapbox now.
I think this is MUD, although I've enjoyed reading it. I don't think op is as "crunchy" as she claims to be. Here are the reasons why I think this:
1. If she is as environmentally friendly as she says she is, why does she have to keep hitting home the point? Okay, we GET it, you're crunchy -- you don't have to say things like "when you live a "crunchy" lifestyle like me..." In every. Single. Post. (And why does she put it in quotes all the time?)
2. She says she is going to make her own soap, yet she said she likes honest because of their soaps.
3. She doesn't cook or bake. I find this strange for two reasons: a) it's really hard to live a chemical- and processed food-free life if you don't cook your own food. Is she just eating at the whole foods salad bar every day? she doesn't cook or bake, yet she is going to be making her own baby food and even soaps? I doubt it.
4. Her rationale for not cloth diapering doesn't make sense. Baby's going to be watched by family every day? It sounds like a perfect opportunity. If grandmas don't want to clean out poopy diapers, they can put them in a bag (cloth diapering companies make special bags just for this purpose) and save them for mom and dad later. At the very least, she can cloth diaper on the days mom and dad watch her.
5. In the original post she says that the shower is a celebration of the new baby. I think she was just asking for someone to say, "no! A shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood!"
Anyway, something about this op just strikes me as trying a little too hard to create drama. I'll get off my soapbox now.
I would totally agree with that except she went crawling to the Eco-friendly board saying we aren't like minded enough and asked her question there. I think if she were trolling she would strictly stay to this board.
Exchange what you don't want for what you do want. I am the same way as you, I was very particular about what products and diapers I wanted and shockingly people stuck pretty close to the registry. It's not super likely you'll get a different car seat than you asked for but a few packs of Huggies or ugly clothes are easy to exchange. Relax.
I think this is MUD, although I've enjoyed reading it. I don't think op is as "crunchy" as she claims to be. Here are the reasons why I think this:
1. If she is as environmentally friendly as she says she is, why does she have to keep hitting home the point? Okay, we GET it, you're crunchy -- you don't have to say things like "when you live a "crunchy" lifestyle like me..." In every. Single. Post. (And why does she put it in quotes all the time?)
2. She says she is going to make her own soap, yet she said she likes honest because of their soaps.
3. She doesn't cook or bake. I find this strange for two reasons: a) it's really hard to live a chemical- and processed food-free life if you don't cook your own food. Is she just eating at the whole foods salad bar every day? she doesn't cook or bake, yet she is going to be making her own baby food and even soaps? I doubt it.
4. Her rationale for not cloth diapering doesn't make sense. Baby's going to be watched by family every day? It sounds like a perfect opportunity. If grandmas don't want to clean out poopy diapers, they can put them in a bag (cloth diapering companies make special bags just for this purpose) and save them for mom and dad later. At the very least, she can cloth diaper on the days mom and dad watch her.
5. In the original post she says that the shower is a celebration of the new baby. I think she was just asking for someone to say, "no! A shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood!"
Anyway, something about this op just strikes me as trying a little too hard to create drama. I'll get off my soapbox now.
I would totally agree with that except she went crawling to the Eco-friendly board saying we aren't like minded enough and asked her question there. I think if she were trolling she would strictly stay to this board.
I do cook and bake, I just don't enjoy it.
And DING DING DING! I found the eco-friendly board FINALLY. However, it's a dead board. No worries, reddit r/babybumps is WORLDS better than you gals ripping each other to shreds over 'etiquette'. r/BabyBumps actually has real women who give real advice, GO FIGURE!
I basically assume that everyone posting now who doesn't have a shred of common sense works for XO and is trying to drum up drama/page views for this dead as a doornail site.
Okay -- serious question: how did "people" know that you returned stuff they gave you for your bridal shower? Did they come over to your house and snoop around, forcing a confession out of you? Did you tell them? Or by "people were offended" do you really mean one person was offended: your MIL?
Does this all just boil down to a MIL problem?
YES! It is a MIL problem. She is the type who buys picture frames and things and expects to visit you and see them hung on the wall. My Husband did not like the gifts she gave, and so we returned them to get things we actually needed. I purposely let him decide about whether or not to keep her gifts, because she has broken down and cried hysterically before and frankly, I do not care to be the reason that happens ever again. I just let him deal with his mom...she is kind of an emotional bully, who screams and cries when things don't go her way...
My Husband actually spilled the beans when she visited once (I wanted to DIE!) and he had hoped that it would 'show her' how we don't need all these extras...she got very angry and I don't really blame her because my Husband should never have been so rash about it. But this is an on-going thing. Every Christmas, every birthday...she gets us these type of things, and he's tried to tell her to just save her money in a nice way, and still she does it and then gets mad when he returns things.
I have no clue what I am supposed to do! At my bridal shower, she and 2 of her sisters all brought the same exact gift! We returned all 3 and got the one we had actually asked for on our registry, but it's nuts! Again, my Husband was actually miffed when we returned the gifts. When we were in the store, the one we had asked for was right next to the one she and her 2 sisters had gifted. He doesn't understand what is so hard about registries (I've explained to him that some people don't like to shop of off them because it's not fun). I am so thankful for such a generous MIL, but damn, what do I do? LOL
I mean, I thought it was a general rule, if you don't know someone well enough to know their house decor, you don't buy them tons of decor type things. I got a big kitchen set, towels, rugs, oven mits, etc., covered in chickens and roosters. I swear the set was something regifted...and I totally returned it. My kitchen is not chicken or rooster themed...
I know I sound bratty or whiny, but I don't know how to handle it. I know she does mean well.
Okay -- then this really has nothing to do with your shower.
What's really going on here is that you and your MIL are locked in a power struggle. You have different values, and each of you looks down on the other. You disdain your MIL and look down on her. And yet you want her approval and acceptance of your choices.
I suspect you've backed yourself into a tight corner with this and you need to reset things with her. Here's what I'd recommend:
--set up some physical and emotional boundaries around this topic.
--a physical boundary might be to agree that you will some gifts she gets you that are environmentally acceptable, even if they aren't your style. I.e., keep her ugly rooster dish towels at the bottom of a drawer and pull them out when she comes over.
--an emotional boundary might be to recognize that both your ways are valid, even if different and that she doesn't need to approve of you. Also, that you respect that even though she doesn't do everything the "crunchy" way, this doesn't mean she's wrong. She's just different from you.
--a good emotional boundary might be to decide that you aren't wrong when you return duplicates of gifts or return off-registry gifts when you've registered for a different brand of the same item.
--a good physical boundary might be to STOP telling her about what products you do and do not keep. It's your business, not hers. Your H needs to comply with this 100%.
--if she is vocal about her disapproval of your choices, don't react. She's entitled to her opinion. Be confident in your own opinion and stop feeling like you want to disapprove of her AND have her approve of you. You can't have both!
Know that the ground you are treading is very normal for everyone early in their marriage. Be considerate and respectful and don't judge.
Okay -- serious question: how did "people" know that you returned stuff they gave you for your bridal shower? Did they come over to your house and snoop around, forcing a confession out of you? Did you tell them? Or by "people were offended" do you really mean one person was offended: your MIL?
Does this all just boil down to a MIL problem?
YES! It is a MIL problem. She is the type who buys picture frames and things and expects to visit you and see them hung on the wall. My Husband did not like the gifts she gave, and so we returned them to get things we actually needed. I purposely let him decide about whether or not to keep her gifts, because she has broken down and cried hysterically before and frankly, I do not care to be the reason that happens ever again. I just let him deal with his mom...she is kind of an emotional bully, who screams and cries when things don't go her way...
My Husband actually spilled the beans when she visited once (I wanted to DIE!) and he had hoped that it would 'show her' how we don't need all these extras...she got very angry and I don't really blame her because my Husband should never have been so rash about it. But this is an on-going thing. Every Christmas, every birthday...she gets us these type of things, and he's tried to tell her to just save her money in a nice way, and still she does it and then gets mad when he returns things.
I have no clue what I am supposed to do! At my bridal shower, she and 2 of her sisters all brought the same exact gift! We returned all 3 and got the one we had actually asked for on our registry, but it's nuts! Again, my Husband was actually miffed when we returned the gifts. When we were in the store, the one we had asked for was right next to the one she and her 2 sisters had gifted. He doesn't understand what is so hard about registries (I've explained to him that some people don't like to shop of off them because it's not fun). I am so thankful for such a generous MIL, but damn, what do I do? LOL
I mean, I thought it was a general rule, if you don't know someone well enough to know their house decor, you don't buy them tons of decor type things. I got a big kitchen set, towels, rugs, oven mits, etc., covered in chickens and roosters. I swear the set was something regifted...and I totally returned it. My kitchen is not chicken or rooster themed...
I know I sound bratty or whiny, but I don't know how to handle it. I know she does mean well.
I haven't been in the Bump in a long time, but I can't help myself here...
My mom and grandmother tend to buy all sorts of little gimicky gifts and it used to drive me insane. Clothes that weren't my style, and things that just didn't fit with my values. And then I read about the love languages and something clicked for me. My mom and Grandma both come from impoverished families. They both tend to express how much they love the people around them by using gifts. My years long refusal to allow my mom to buy me things because I wanted to feel independent was, to her, a rejection of her love. It really was. I actually saw a turnaround in our whole relationships one day when she offered to buy me a hoodie that I liked and I said yes. She wants to buy me things that I like, and now I know to gently guide her there, but outright rejection or seeing that I wasn't using something she bought for me meant something different than it did to me. So maybe consider that your MIL's reaction has a lot less to do with her trying to actively ignore your feelings and preferences and instead might be about how she wants to express her love for your husband, and (yes) you. And in future your baby. really, I think that you should find some ways to repair this rift before it gets worse.
If you can't get over the idea that you can control what people give you or that you'll be inconvenienced by their gifts or cause drama by returning them, I'd ditch the "registry" and ask people (spreading the word through friends and relatives) to buy you their favourite kid's book and say you have everything else that you need. If your MIL wants to get you a bigger grandparent-type present, take her shopping with you and pick something together. Maybe she can pick the colour or design of something that fits your values? Or ask for her advice in choosing between two or three items that you pre-select so that you know you'll be happy with any (within her budget) - e.g. I was looking at these (glass) bottles, do you think I should wait until I know I need them or get them now and if I get them now how should I pick the nipple type? What do you think of these (organic, free-trade) hoodies? I like the green one, but I wonder if it'll be warm enough for this time of year, what do you think? Work to direct her rather than to oppose her.
There are so many ways you can manage this. You keep saying that the gifts aren't central to the shower and that you're planning to buy it all yourself, so skip the damn gifts and work with your MIL instead of against her.
Okay -- serious question: how did "people" know that you returned stuff they gave you for your bridal shower? Did they come over to your house and snoop around, forcing a confession out of you? Did you tell them? Or by "people were offended" do you really mean one person was offended: your MIL?
Does this all just boil down to a MIL problem?
YES! It is a MIL problem. She is the type who buys picture frames and things and expects to visit you and see them hung on the wall. My Husband did not like the gifts she gave, and so we returned them to get things we actually needed. I purposely let him decide about whether or not to keep her gifts, because she has broken down and cried hysterically before and frankly, I do not care to be the reason that happens ever again. I just let him deal with his mom...she is kind of an emotional bully, who screams and cries when things don't go her way...
My Husband actually spilled the beans when she visited once (I wanted to DIE!) and he had hoped that it would 'show her' how we don't need all these extras...she got very angry and I don't really blame her because my Husband should never have been so rash about it. But this is an on-going thing. Every Christmas, every birthday...she gets us these type of things, and he's tried to tell her to just save her money in a nice way, and still she does it and then gets mad when he returns things.
I have no clue what I am supposed to do! At my bridal shower, she and 2 of her sisters all brought the same exact gift! We returned all 3 and got the one we had actually asked for on our registry, but it's nuts! Again, my Husband was actually miffed when we returned the gifts. When we were in the store, the one we had asked for was right next to the one she and her 2 sisters had gifted. He doesn't understand what is so hard about registries (I've explained to him that some people don't like to shop of off them because it's not fun). I am so thankful for such a generous MIL, but damn, what do I do? LOL
I mean, I thought it was a general rule, if you don't know someone well enough to know their house decor, you don't buy them tons of decor type things. I got a big kitchen set, towels, rugs, oven mits, etc., covered in chickens and roosters. I swear the set was something regifted...and I totally returned it. My kitchen is not chicken or rooster themed...
I know I sound bratty or whiny, but I don't know how to handle it. I know she does mean well.
I haven't been in the Bump in a long time, but I can't help myself here...
My mom and grandmother tend to buy all sorts of little gimicky gifts and it used to drive me insane. Clothes that weren't my style, and things that just didn't fit with my values. And then I read about the love languages and something clicked for me. My mom and Grandma both come from impoverished families. They both tend to express how much they love the people around them by using gifts. My years long refusal to allow my mom to buy me things because I wanted to feel independent was, to her, a rejection of her love. It really was. I actually saw a turnaround in our whole relationships one day when she offered to buy me a hoodie that I liked and I said yes. She wants to buy me things that I like, and now I know to gently guide her there, but outright rejection or seeing that I wasn't using something she bought for me meant something different than it did to me. So maybe consider that your MIL's reaction has a lot less to do with her trying to actively ignore your feelings and preferences and instead might be about how she wants to express her love for your husband, and (yes) you. And in future your baby. really, I think that you should find some ways to repair this rift before it gets worse.
If you can't get over the idea that you can control what people give you or that you'll be inconvenienced by their gifts or cause drama by returning them, I'd ditch the "registry" and ask people (spreading the word through friends and relatives) to buy you their favourite kid's book and say you have everything else that you need. If your MIL wants to get you a bigger grandparent-type present, take her shopping with you and pick something together. Maybe she can pick the colour or design of something that fits your values? Or ask for her advice in choosing between two or three items that you pre-select so that you know you'll be happy with any (within her budget) - e.g. I was looking at these (glass) bottles, do you think I should wait until I know I need them or get them now and if I get them now how should I pick the nipple type? What do you think of these (organic, free-trade) hoodies? I like the green one, but I wonder if it'll be warm enough for this time of year, what do you think? Work to direct her rather than to oppose her.
There are so many ways you can manage this. You keep saying that the gifts aren't central to the shower and that you're planning to buy it all yourself, so skip the damn gifts and work with your MIL instead of against her.
To answer your question "What's so wrong with shopping off the registry?": It's just no fun, especially when the mom-to-me is so militant about it. If I had a friend who gave off the vibe that you give off in your post, I think I would just roll my eyes and tell her to buy her own darn Honest diapers. (You should know, btw, that that is a huge corporation that is probably not nearly as eco-friendly or chemical-free as their mass-marketing would lead you to believe.)
Well that's fine! But then what is the purpose of a registry? If not to be 'picky' with what you want for your baby? I mean, it's goofy to me to have people in my family ask for my registry and then tell me 'Oh, you are too specific'...lol, if I didn't care what kind of diapers I will use on my baby, I would not have specified! ) Like if you ask to see what I've got on my registry/wishlist, don't ignore what I specifically put down and get what you'd want - I'd rather just not receive a gift if that is what people will do! Gift cards are way better than getting the wrong brand, size, or something you'd never use! I love gift cards!
The issue is, the people who will ignore the registry, will also be butthurt about my Husband and I returning the items the next day to buy the items we are comfortable with using! So it's a no-win...for example, we aren't comfortable with using plastic bottles (personal preference), so if we asked for glass, and still get plastic...no one should be upset that we are returning/donating/selling them for the glass ones we asked for.
Honestly, you are a perfect candidate for not having a shower at all. The point of a shower is to give you gifts. If you're unappreciative of whatever people give you or THAT particular, you just should not be having a shower.
It's not me being unappreciative, it's me just not willing to use things that I don't believe in...like my example about the plastics v. glass bottles.
I totally want a Shower! As I said further up the thread, I want to celebrate regardless of gifts. I'll just end up buying off my own registry now, and checking things off...it's more of a list for myself anyways!
I get that you WANT a shower, but if you can't do it graciously without saying "I ONLY want what I ask for and I'm returning everything else", then you shouldn't be having one. It's rude.
Gifts won't be the focal point of my Shower though - I'm planning it with my mom and she agrees with me on that
Are you sure about that? It sure seems like it's the focal point for you.
In addition, you have continued to dwell on having to make returns at 8 months pregnant. I must have missed the memo that I no longer have to go food shopping or run other errands once I hit that magical milestone. Is going to the store to return a few items really going to be that much of a hardship on you? Or are you playing up the 'oh so pregnant' card?
Let me say what ladies from the old school Bump would say:
You are an ungrateful little ****.
I can say this having worked with moms in need who would DIE to have someone buy them so many "useless" items. Be grateful anyone's celebrating you at all with that nasty, entitled attitude.
As much as I disagree with the OP, there was absolutely no need to call her a name in this manner.
Re: Thank you for answering my question... /sarcasm
I know I am a first time mom, but I've confided in several likeminded moms on what's on my registry and they've even given me amazing baby food recipes and all too! My own mom loves my registry and helped me build it!
It's hard to be different sometimes, and I am fully aware of that. I plan to make baby laundry detergent, soap, baby food, etc. Some people don't care that I have chosen this for my baby, but it's really a respect thing in my book. I don't call my cousins out for feeding their babies processed foods...etc.
And I get claustrophobic when my house is cluttered, so everything extra gets donated or given away ASAP.
People that go rogue in my in-law family, go VERY rogue, and then get confrontational when they realize or hear that I've had to return their gift.
The assumption that your DH's family will give gifts that aren't up to participate with what your family gives is really unfair. Just because they don't do thing exactly like you would, doesn't mean that what they give will be "wrong".
I think you'll fair much better if you stop being so rigid and start being more open minded. As a first time mom, you DON'T know everything regardless of how much research you do. You may find that something you were firmly against is the one thing that works the best, or something that you had to have actually doesn't work that well. Either way, stop complaining about receiving gifts. Regardless of your reasoning, it comes off as spoiled and ungrateful.
Yeah, I suppose it will be a situation where I will just smile and nod and just have to return everything I won't use. No biggie! I just think it would all be avoided if people could just accept the things I have specifically chosen. Registries are meant to be rigid! If someone isn't rigid about what they'd use for their child, maybe they shouldn't have a registry!
Sigh. Registries are NOT meant to be rigid. It is simply a list of suggestions. SUGGESTIONS. There is no rule that people HAVE to buy from your registry. There's no rule that people HAVE to buy you anything! Even if they ignore your registry completely, it wouldn't be considered rude because gifts are not are entitlement.
A registry is not a thesis paper than you have to edit and get approval for. It isn't a competition. You're taking it waaayyyyyyy too seriously. I had a registry for all 3 of my kids but jeeze. To say that a mother shouldn't have one just because they aren't being rigid about it is a pretty silly statement to make, especially since "parenthood" doesn't go well with being rigid about every little thing. You might want to come down from your high horse a bit.
I know it's a list of suggestions, but my choices on my list of suggestions (registry) are rigid for me. I will gladly except gifts and be very grateful for them, and send thank yous and everything! But gifts that are not what I chose to use, will be returned! The issue is, people ask for my registry, then turn their nose up and buy whatever they want and ignore the list of suggestions I provided, and then they get upset when they realize I've returned the gift to get what I actually had listed on my registry instead.
There is no winning! :P
My reaction? I'm super grateful that someone thought about my child enough to gift them to me, and even if they're not exactly what I wanted, they do what they need to do and it's practical. I'll honour their thoughtfulness by accepting and using their gifts instead of turning my nose up and swapping them for what I wanted. Didn't get the tub I chose, but was gifted another one. Does that matter? Nope! My baby will be clean and happy either way.
There's a lot of reasons why people gifting you would be upset with you for returning their gifts. And frankly, I understand. Think of it this way. Maybe your choice of gift is more money than another item. Perhaps the person buying you that gift is tight on money and they STILL go out of their way to put thought into something you need. to me, that's a slap in the face to replace it just because it's not what you wanted exactly.
A lot of people don't get the "crunchy" way. But, you really should be a bit more considerate of their feelings instead of just replacing gifts so thoughtlessly. Duplicates is one thing, but to return it just because it's not the same as you wanted? Perhaps if you are gifted plastic bottles, save them for travel so they don't break. Gifted rags but don't want to wash the baby using them? Use them to clean up spills and messes from the baby. It's not so rigid this way. You get to use what you choose on your baby, but you also show that you actually care that they took some thought and got you something.
If I knew that someone would do that to me, I would not buy them anything because my thoughts and care would have been trampled on. A registry is more of a checklist anyways for the parents, in my opinion. I feel weirded out having people have a list to choose from. They want to spend their money on my child and I how they want to, then that's awesome! But it's not necessary.
Why not try to compromise some things? To at least show the appreciation besides a thank you and what not? Some people feel more appreciated when they see their gifts being used. If you are gifted with something you don't want to use on your child, I'm sure you can find other uses for it that won't harm your pride as a crunchy mom. I think it's actually pretty cool that you will be making your own soap and such. I just think there may be a better way to handle the gift situation. That's all.
Is there any way perhaps you can work out a compromise?
On top of that, your husband must love how disrespectful you are to his side of the family.
Ridiculous.
As for compromising...it's hard, because I have chosen to raise my baby a certain way, and I 200% do not ever expect everyone around me to understand my 'crunchy' ways. That being said, a ton of people coming to my Shower are crunchy themselves, so it will be a nice mix at my Shower party.
I am against plastic bottles because of BPA and BPS traces, so I would not use them. I don't even use them myself, so I would never think of using them for my baby. It's just my lifestyle and personal preference. Same goes for lotions, soaps, etc., if we don't use toxic products ourselves, no way is it being used on the little one! It's not something I view as a need for a compromise, I just think we have a slightly different lifestyle - and it's totally okay! But then, people can't get upset when they realize that we regift Bath & Body Works stuff, since we will never use it ourselves, etc. People get so upset when gifts are returned, and I feel bad making others upset. But I also don't have unlimited space in my house to hang on to everything just to appease everyone. It's a rock and a hard place.
I am shocked that it's read so wrong by people who live differently! I have a section on my registry asking for hand-me-downs even, because of how recycle-friendly and earthy I am. I've already got a nursery full of hand-me-downs! It's wonderful!
It's very annoying! But I will smile and say thank you no matter what!
Naturally, I will smile and be thankful for the caring people in our lives, but I will return all items I cannot and will not use. It's not rocket science to me, and I don't think I need to feel bad about it, if I've made myself clear via my list of suggestions/registry.
I just think maybe there's room for some compromise. Maybe not the bottles, it was an example. The hand-me-down idea is practical and it's good.
Have you asked WHY people don't want to buy off the registry after they asked for it? I do think it is respectful to consider the lifestyle of the parents, but there's still a lot that needs to be worked on.
Request no soaps, no bottles... buy those yourself, but the bedding is not going to be much different than the non-organic hand me downs you may get. you can buy what you will not budge on yourself and leave options where you could work ways around.
I know my registry is more of a list for my Husband and I to go off of, but when people specifically ask to see it and then they diss it...it's awfully odd to me.
My Husband actually spilled the beans when she visited once (I wanted to DIE!) and he had hoped that it would 'show her' how we don't need all these extras...she got very angry and I don't really blame her because my Husband should never have been so rash about it. But this is an on-going thing. Every Christmas, every birthday...she gets us these type of things, and he's tried to tell her to just save her money in a nice way, and still she does it and then gets mad when he returns things.
I have no clue what I am supposed to do! At my bridal shower, she and 2 of her sisters all brought the same exact gift! We returned all 3 and got the one we had actually asked for on our registry, but it's nuts! Again, my Husband was actually miffed when we returned the gifts. When we were in the store, the one we had asked for was right next to the one she and her 2 sisters had gifted. He doesn't understand what is so hard about registries (I've explained to him that some people don't like to shop of off them because it's not fun). I am so thankful for such a generous MIL, but damn, what do I do? LOL
I mean, I thought it was a general rule, if you don't know someone well enough to know their house decor, you don't buy them tons of decor type things. I got a big kitchen set, towels, rugs, oven mits, etc., covered in chickens and roosters. I swear the set was something regifted...and I totally returned it. My kitchen is not chicken or rooster themed...
I know I sound bratty or whiny, but I don't know how to handle it. I know she does mean well.
1. If she is as environmentally friendly as she says she is, why does she have to keep hitting home the point? Okay, we GET it, you're crunchy -- you don't have to say things like "when you live a "crunchy" lifestyle like me..." In every. Single. Post. (And why does she put it in quotes all the time?)
2. She says she is going to make her own soap, yet she said she likes honest because of their soaps.
3. She doesn't cook or bake. I find this strange for two reasons: a) it's really hard to live a chemical- and processed food-free life if you don't cook your own food. Is she just eating at the whole foods salad bar every day?
4. Her rationale for not cloth diapering doesn't make sense. Baby's going to be watched by family every day? It sounds like a perfect opportunity. If grandmas don't want to clean out poopy diapers, they can put them in a bag (cloth diapering companies make special bags just for this purpose) and save them for mom and dad later. At the very least, she can cloth diaper on the days mom and dad watch her.
5. In the original post she says that the shower is a celebration of the new baby. I think she was just asking for someone to say, "no! A shower is to welcome a woman into motherhood!"
Anyway, something about this op just strikes me as trying a little too hard to create drama. I'll get off my soapbox now.
I think if she were trolling she would strictly stay to this board.
Huggies or ugly clothes are easy to exchange. Relax.
Lmao, bye Felicias!
I haven't been in the Bump in a long time, but I can't help myself here...
I haven't been in the Bump in a long time, but I can't help myself here...
Well said.