My DH has a hyphenated last name and let’s talk about how that came to be…
My MIL (Ms. Koster) married my FIL (Mr. Leary) and named their three children Koster-Leary. My MIL kept her maiden name of Koster.
Flash forward to me marrying DH. As a personal preference, I cannot stand hyphenated names. I don’t like the confusion not to mention the endless problems with documentation, credit cards, mail, simple phone calls, etc. I hate going to the mailbox and finding 10 variations of my DH’s last name. It shouldn’t be that hard, but unfortunately it is.
Needless to say when it was time to make a decision on what my last name would be, I was extremely passionate on how I felt. I was certain I wanted to avoid the lifelong headache that comes with a hyphenated name, and I was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I didn’t want people to assume that my maiden name was Koster. I could have just kept my own maiden name, but I felt a longing to feel connected to my DH—so I chose to take part of his name (Mrs. Leary). This didn’t go over well with the MIL, but frankly I didn’t care. It was my choice, my life, and DH was understanding.
Now that we have decided to start TTC, there are some last name loose ends that I would tie up. Obviously I would like our children to be Learys as it would be the name that unifies us all as one family. DH’s position is that Leary is not his full name and wants the children to be Koster-Learys. I can understand how he feels, as I also feel great pride for my family and my maiden name. HOWEVER, I’m having a huge issue letting my MIL’s name get carried through to my own children. I just don’t think it’s right. She had the option to name her children whatever she wanted and she did, but she couldn’t possibly assume that it would be carried out through multiple generations. I’m not a Koster and I don’t want it represented via hyphen in my children’s names.
I’m willing to compromise with any of the following:
Giving DH choice on First Names
Letting Koster remain as Second Middle Names (i.e. Jimmy Joe Koster Leary)
Honoring his family by making his brother’s first names our children’s Middle Names (another tradition in DH’s family)
In exchange for:
One unifying last name: Leary
Is anyone else going through something similar? Anyone have a unique solution? I know this sounds like small peanuts when considering bringing a new life into this world, but it really is that important to me.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Re: Help: Last Name for Baby (The Scoop on Hyphenated Names)
I didn't have a hyphenated last name, but my maiden name was St. Something. I'm sure it has all the same issues as hyphenated. I loved my maiden name. It was who I was, but a lot of hassle, like you described. That is the only reason I changed my name when married. DS has DH's last name only (I didn't like the something as a stand alone middle name - which I considered- even though it is a legit name).
When we got married, DH knew he wanted to only have one last name. This got complicated because DH's father is not in his life and hadn't been since he was very young. He didn't really relate to the family history, mostly because we don't know it. But on the other hand, I didn't identify him with his mother's last name either. We even debated creating a new last name using a combination of his paternal/my maiden. In the end, we both changed our last names to DH's paternal and we'll create our own family history.
Joe Koster Leary
I hyphenated my name because I am very attached to my full maiden name and also wanted a unifying family name when we had a child. When we do have children, they will have just H's last name. I hyphenated for my own sake; I couldn't see myself ever being a Mrs. and feel my name is part of my identity. I don't feel a need to extend that identity to our children or saddle them with a hyphenated name partially for the reasoning you're discussing above.
Good luck!
Option 2 is good happy medium.
Good luck with this one. I loved my maiden name and moved it to my new middle name.
That being said it is none of your MIL's business what name your children are given. You and your partner should decide together. I think you both need to be open to compromise. I can't pick the best compromise because I am not your partner. Talk to him and be as open to compromise as you expect him to be.
GL with your decision!