Babies on the Brain

Help: Last Name for Baby (The Scoop on Hyphenated Names)

My DH has a hyphenated last name and let’s talk about how that came to be…

My MIL (Ms. Koster) married my FIL (Mr. Leary) and named their three children Koster-Leary.  My MIL kept her maiden name of Koster.

Flash forward to me marrying DH.  As a personal preference, I cannot stand hyphenated names.  I don’t like the confusion not to mention the endless problems with documentation, credit cards, mail, simple phone calls, etc.  I hate going to the mailbox and finding 10 variations of my DH’s last name. It shouldn’t be that hard, but unfortunately it is. 

Needless to say when it was time to make a decision on what my last name would be, I was extremely passionate on how I felt.  I was certain I wanted to avoid the lifelong headache that comes with a hyphenated name, and I was ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I didn’t want people to assume that my maiden name was Koster.  I could have just kept my own maiden name, but I felt a longing to feel connected to my DH—so I chose to take part of his name (Mrs. Leary).  This didn’t go over well with the MIL, but frankly I didn’t care.  It was my choice, my life, and DH was understanding. 

Now that we have decided to start TTC, there are some last name loose ends that I would tie up.  Obviously I would like our children to be Learys as it would be the name that unifies us all as one family.  DH’s position is that Leary is not his full name and wants the children to be Koster-Learys.  I can understand how he feels, as I also feel great pride for my family and my maiden name. HOWEVER, I’m having a huge issue letting my MIL’s name get carried through to my own children.  I just don’t think it’s right.  She had the option to name her children whatever she wanted and she did, but she couldn’t possibly assume that it would be carried out through multiple generations.  I’m not a Koster and I don’t want it represented via hyphen in my children’s names.

I’m willing to compromise with any of the following:

  1. Giving DH choice on First Names

  2. Letting Koster remain as Second Middle Names (i.e. Jimmy Joe Koster Leary)

  3. Honoring his family by making his brother’s first names our children’s Middle Names (another tradition in DH’s family)

In exchange for:

  1. One unifying last name: Leary

Is anyone else going through something similar?  Anyone have a unique solution? I know this sounds like small peanuts when considering bringing a new life into this world, but it really is that important to me.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Re: Help: Last Name for Baby (The Scoop on Hyphenated Names)

  • I'm sorry. I've had too many drinks to answer right now...
  • I would go with #2. You keep the name and honor your mil through the middle name (who's ridiculous but besides the point) and you avoid the headache for your kids and keeping only Leary as a last name.

     

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  • That is... Confusing. Very complicated. Could you try talking to your MIL about how you feel?
  • I'm hoping you're using substitute names because that many real names would be a frightening amount of personal info to post on the interwebz.
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  • I'm hoping you're using substitute names because that many real names would be a frightening amount of personal info to post on the interwebz.
    No worries, names have been substituted.
  • Keep MIL out of it. It's not her choice or business
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  • My mother kept her maiden name when she married and when I came along my parents used her last name as my second middle name. So I am kind of a product of option 2. Don't do this to your child! Having 2 middle names is almost as bad as a hyphenation in terms of mail and important paper work confusion. When a form ask for middle initial, should I use my actual middle name or my sort of second last name? What did I do last time? Ugh, it stunk. When I got married I dropped both names. So much better. IMO, find a way to make it just Leary. I'd much rather temporarily annoy my MIL than saddle my child with life long annoyances.
  • Not that my vote counts for anything, but I say don't hyphenate. Maybe #2.

    I didn't have a hyphenated last name, but my maiden name was St. Something. I'm sure it has all the same issues as hyphenated. I loved my maiden name. It was who I was, but a lot of hassle, like you described. That is the only reason I changed my name when married. DS has DH's last name only (I didn't like the something as a stand alone middle name - which I considered- even though it is a legit name).
  • mrs rivamrs riva member
    edited February 2015
    I have a very similar situation to you. My husband was Johnson-Smith (just an example). Paternal last name-Maternal last name. For pretty much everything, his last name got dropped to just Johnson due to length (real paternal name is 11 letters). This was how I knew him and didn't actually know about the hyphen until awhile into dating.

    When we got married, DH knew he wanted to only have one last name. This got complicated because DH's father is not in his life and hadn't been since he was very young. He didn't really relate to the family history, mostly because we don't know it. But on the other hand, I didn't identify him with his mother's last name either. We even debated creating a new last name using a combination of his paternal/my maiden. In the end, we both changed our last names to DH's paternal and we'll create our own family history. :)
  • I like the idea of having koster as the middle name, if it has to be used. It's kind of an odd situation..

    Joe Koster Leary
  • I would vote for #2 as well.

    I hyphenated my name because I am very attached to my full maiden name and also wanted a unifying family name when we had a child.  When we do have children, they will have just H's last name.  I hyphenated for my own sake; I couldn't see myself ever being a Mrs. and feel my name is part of my identity.  I don't feel a need to extend that identity to our children or saddle them with a hyphenated name partially for the reasoning you're discussing above. 

    Good luck!
  • I like #1 but my husband would want to name all of our children not just the 1st one...and then i would have children named fox, wolf, and bear and Im not on board with that.

    Option 2 is good happy medium.

    Good luck with this one. I loved my maiden name and moved it to my new middle name.
  • I chose a hyphenated last name after marriage and I've never had any problems with it - sad to hear your husband has.  I also have a ton of students who have hyphenated last names.  Most of them end up choosing one to go by.  

    Here's my thought:

    Your MIL doesn't get an opinion at all, but your husband totally does.  If he likes option #2, then that's great!  But if he feels extremely strongly about it, perhaps reconsider the hyphenation.  Speaking as someone who has such a last name it really is not that big of a deal to everyone.  It's totally fine if you personally find it to be unpleasant, but your kids may not care.
  • My kids have hyphenated names and have never had the difficulties you mention. In fact, they have two middle names and a hyphenated last name. (oldest is 19 so it is not a nee thing) Forms are not difficult to fill out and no one has been confused at all. I have never met someone who couldn't figure it out. I do not have the same name as them and have also never been questioned on why. I am not sure how a hyphenated name could be confusing. You have seriously had endless problems with mail, credit cards and phone calls due to a hyphenated name? Do you live somewhere very secluded or removed from society?

    That being said it is none of your MIL's business what name your children are given. You and your partner should decide together. I think you both need to be open to compromise. I can't pick the best compromise because I am not your partner. Talk to him and be as open to compromise as you expect him to be.
  • blush64 said:
    My kids have hyphenated names and have never had the difficulties you mention. In fact, they have two middle names and a hyphenated last name. (oldest is 19 so it is not a nee thing) Forms are not difficult to fill out and no one has been confused at all. I have never met someone who couldn't figure it out. I do not have the same name as them and have also never been questioned on why. I am not sure how a hyphenated name could be confusing. You have seriously had endless problems with mail, credit cards and phone calls due to a hyphenated name? Do you live somewhere very secluded or removed from society? That being said it is none of your MIL's business what name your children are given. You and your partner should decide together. I think you both need to be open to compromise. I can't pick the best compromise because I am not your partner. Talk to him and be as open to compromise as you expect him to be.

    My husband had issues with his hyphenated last name due to the length- it was 18 letters, 19 if you want to include the hyphen. Unfortunately a lot of places (businesses, banks, schools, etc) couldn't handle the length or just shortened it on their own. 
  • edited March 2015


    blush64 said:

    My kids have hyphenated names and have never had the difficulties you mention. In fact, they have two middle names and a hyphenated last name. (oldest is 19 so it is not a nee thing) Forms are not difficult to fill out and no one has been confused at all. I have never met someone who couldn't figure it out. I do not have the same name as them and have also never been questioned on why. I am not sure how a hyphenated name could be confusing. You have seriously had endless problems with mail, credit cards and phone calls due to a hyphenated name? Do you live somewhere very secluded or removed from society?

    That being said it is none of your MIL's business what name your children are given. You and your partner should decide together. I think you both need to be open to compromise. I can't pick the best compromise because I am not your partner. Talk to him and be as open to compromise as you expect him to be.

    I grew up with a hyphenated name and had a load of problems (I'm 29). I couldn't wait to get rid of it! I've in Minneapolis, Dallas, and Pittsburgh and encountered all the same issues. Forms were difficult and never enough room (sixteen letters altogether). A lot of places will not accept my hyphen and will not file me under the correct last name. People mispronounce it all the time because of the way it cuts off in different systems (banks, etc.). I've had mail come where they've made one of my last names was put in the first name slot and vice versa, plus at every doctors/dentist/pharmacy I never knew what name I was filed under. It all depended on the person who filed it that day. Just a hassle and I wasted so much time proving who I was. 
  • I had a friend with a similar problem. She chose to add the second middle name and it worked out really great!

    GL with your decision!
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