I need some support sensitive topic-potential end of my TTC journey, CFNBC

Nikolie93 · January 2015

Hey ladies. I've been so wanting to post this recently but I've procrastinated, maybe because typing it out will make it real to me. With all of the TB company bullshit going on (are you happy what you've done to our community, TB??) , I now wish I hadn't waited since support may be limited now. I may post this at the other place because I find myself needing the support (fuck my life) but not sure when since I'm mobile and keeping up with two boards may be difficult right now.

A few things (1) this may be long with lots of word vomit but will try to keep it as short as possible, (2) I'm on mobile, excuse any typos, and (3) I want to use a gif story but I just don't have it in me.

***potential trigger alert about the end of my TTC journey***

MH and I have a very, very difficult decison ahead of us. I'm 40 years old in June, we have been married 2 years, and neither of us have children. We found eachother a bit late in life after we both married the wrong people previously. In those two years we have had three pregnanices, none viable and one was twins.

We had a plan after our loss of the twins in April. We were going to try one more time or until May of this year. In October we experienced another loss. I knew, or so I thought, that I wanted to countinue trying. We have known nothing but TTC since we got married and for the first time in October, we were benched.

At first I hated being benched but then I realized it was much less stress than TTC. Worrying about when we have to HIO, doing it on a schedule, the awful 2WW month after month, and finally the disappointment that overwhelmed me each month AF and that fucking BFN came.

We are tired, exhausted actually. Our lives have been on hold the entirety of our marriage. Beginnings of marriages are supposed to be fun, you're supposed to enjoy life. We haven't lived and enjoyed each other to the fullest extent and that bothers me.

I know my RE appointment is coming up next week but MH and I had some long, honest, talks on our recent 13 hour car ride. We did make the decison that we wouldn't do any treatments so if something comes back, the decision may be easier to make. My concern is if things come back normal. My last pregnancy in October was especially hard. It was short but it was full of worry, full of sleepless nights. I just don't know if I have it in me to go through that again.

Over the last couple of weeks I've tried to come to peace with making the CFNBC decison. It's a mindfuck from day to day. Some days are good, some days are really hard to imagine me never being a mother and my DH never being a daddy to a little girl or boy. I ask myself if I've done enough, am I giving up to soon? I just don't know.

I'm sorry this is long and that I've put all this on you but I have no one IRL that understands the shittiness of TTCAL. I just needed to get this all out.

Thank you from the bottom of heart if you got through all of that jibber jabber above.

You ladies rock :x

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@furrypaws maybe if I'm not TTC, I will have time to build that teleporter

@agpjt413‌ thank you, lady *hug*

Nikolie93 · January 2015

Yes, it's fine.. I need humor in my life

TowerClimbersWife · January 2015

I'm sorry Love. I know this is something you've been struggling with for a while. It sounds like even though this is a difficult thing, you and your husband have good communication and are willing to work with each other while making these decisions.

I'm still here - and here for you any time! Crossing my fingers that the RE appointment gives you information that helps you and your husband come to a decision that feels good for both of you.

Elliecat17 · January 2015

((((((HUGS)))))) There is nothing easy about this decision! I'm sorry that you have come to considering it. Let us know what happens with the RE. Perhaps taking the pressure off may come with more then just enjoying your marriage! (not trying to sound like rainbows and shit, but just being hopeful). Build that teleporter!!! Go on some adventures! And always remember you have us to talk to!

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@KateLM‌ that's one of the hardest things, thinking about the future. Unfortunately I have no idea how I will feel in 10 or 20 years, hell, even 5. I'm just not sure I can base my decison for the present based on the what it's of the future. Like I said, mindfuck all over the place.

@TowerClimbersWife‌ thanks, hon. I am thankful MH and I can have these conversations. As I was typing it, I was crying like a little bitch. He hugged me and got a bit teary eyed himself.

@Elliecat17‌ I will keep you ladies posted on how the appointment goes. Thank you for the support.

Thank you @cavewmn

Km380 · January 2015

Oh Hun big big ((((((hugs)))))) I am so sorry you are facing this decision. It's good you and YH are having open discussions. Gl with the RE. Keep us updated, we're all here. I hope what we you decide you and YH find happiness and comfort together.

TashaCN · January 2015

Oh Nikolie, I am so sorry you are at this point in your journey. It sounds, though, that you and your husband have been having good talks and that you may be at a good place to support each other no matter what decision is made.

As far as giving up too soon - All I have to say is the only people who knows what is right for you and your husband is you two. You deserve to be able to live your marriage however you want. Whether it is continuing to TTC or learning to enjoy life the way it is. Anyone that has an opinion different than what you two decide (and feels the need to share it) can screw off.

Finally- I am sending so many warm thoughts and hugs your way. Best of luck as you decide and continue your journey.

Edited: Proof reading.

lcwed · January 2015

I'm sorry you are having to make this decision. So many hugs for you. It's wonderful you have such a supportive husband through all of this. If you do decide to become CFNBC, have you thought about adoption if your mind changes. That's what DH and I have talked about if our luck doesn't change. FX with you appointment Wednesday.

Nikolie93 · January 2015

Thank you @Km380‌

@jj32 I'm not sure how it will play out. I think if I was a bit younger I would probably continue on but the reality is that I'm going to be 40 soon. I feel as if I wasted so much of my life with my XH and I don't want to miss out on life.

@scubadiva30‌ thank you for your kind words and warm thoughts

@lcwed MH and I have talked about adoption but we are leaning towards no. I don't want to say never, as we all know things do change.

Frenchteachermama · January 2015

I just want to send you a million ((HUGS)) through this message. We are here to support you.

katib77 · January 2015

It is a very tough decision. But as someone who's now seven months into CFNBC I can say that there will be times here and there of sadness but they become less and less as the distance from ttc grows. And a tremendous weight is lifted of you and your relationship. It is a strange world as there are always going to be people that ask if you have children (or just assume at our age), but if/when you personally become ok with the decision that question stings less and less. (((Hugs))) as you move forward toward the decision.

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@Frenchteachermama‌ thank you!

@‌katib77 I'm sorry your journey ended and thank you for your insight. I'm sure if I am childless there will always be days I wonder and get sad. I am glad your sad days have become less and less.

@crimpgirl‌ you and I may be the same person

Thank you so much for all the support, it means so very much to me.

rubysi · January 2015

I am right there with you.... 2015 and 40. It is a personal decision and we had different reasons that we started late. I have been with dh for 21 years but I have known it would be difficult for me and we were never financially fit. Oh the regrets I have now... whatever you choose I hope you stick around. I am always here if you need something.

LizBlue · January 2015

Oh, Nikolie - sending big hugs your way. This is hard stuff. I'd be careful of framing this as a choice for you as @KateLM did and saying that anything is possible. Not everything is possible, and so much of this is out of our control. The fact is, you could keep trying everything, and still remain CFNBC. The only choice for you is how much medical intervention you are willing to try and how much further effort you want to put into TTC.

We've been through the gamut and decided to stop. We are NTNP right now, but there is a very little chance of us being successful. The main reason we stopped medical intervention is because like you, I felt like I was starting to miss out on life with my husband - the life I had right now. When I took stock of all we had, I realized that we had a very good life. It was time for us to start enjoying it and not let infertility steal our present joy.

I still have pangs of gut wrenching grief. Sometimes it comes when I think about MH not becoming a father. In some ways I can wrap my brain around not being a mother, but I feel so incredibly sad that I will not get to see a side of MH that I know would be just fucking great to see.

At the same time , there is freedom to the stopping - putting down the chart, the IVF meds, the heartache. We are going on a cruise. We plan to travel more. I'm focusing on my great new(ish) house and all the funky things I want to do to it. I joined a local library's board. With children or without, it is up to me to make a whole and happy life for myself. I feel ready to do that.

On my good days I remember I have this precious, all too short time here on this earth - I want to be happy and satisfied with it. We all have to remember that. And on my bad days, I reach out to my friends (IRL and here in the computer).

We are all here for you - good luck with all the conversations and the decisions that are in your control.

xo

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@rubysi‌ I'm so sorry you're having regrets about earlier decisons. *hug*

@Kateisoptimistic‌ that is what I am holding on to, that regardless of my decison, I will have joy in my life. I do feel that MH and I will be ok and we will get through this no matter what happens.

@LizBlue‌ I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's like your in my mind when you talk about missing out on YH being a father. I don't regret not having kids with my XH and I remember the day I looked at MH and thought "he will make a damn good dad and I want to see that". I so much appreciate you sharing your thoughts and personal experience. *hug*

O2girl · January 2015

Big ((((((hugs)))))))
I can relate to how you are feeling. H and I got married in March 2012 and immediately headed over to the REs office before the ink was even dry on our certificate. We are now almost 3yrs married and 3yrs into unsuccessfully TTC with the end of our journey well within sight. It isn't easy. Sometimes I want to hurry up and get to the end just so our lives can move on and we can actually enjoy our marriage...... So I get it. And for that I'm sending you so many (((((((hugs))))))))

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@O2girl‌ I'm sorry you also find yourself in this situation. It's all so unfair *hugs* to you as well.

mrspipp · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are facing this choice. I'll be thinking of you with your RE appointment. It sounds like you and YH are on the same page and have good communication, which is a comfort. (((Hugs)))

mcodea88 · January 2015

Hi! I'd like to give you some food for thought. **Warning, LC Mentioned**

My sister is 40 years old (as of 11/12). She and her boyfriend (they actually got married just this past October) met later in life, like you and your husband. They started TTC soon after (I don't know exactly how when they started). They tried for 4 years, had 2 MCs, and worked with an RE during both of those MCs. I think they were not having luck even getting pregnant before seeing the RE. Anyway, her first was at 9 weeks, the second was at 8 weeks. But for my sister's whole life, she wanted a baby. This situation wasn't ideal. They were together, and spent their whole together lives TTCAL. Finally, she got pregnant a 3rd time, with the RE still as their dr. And after 12 weeks, she "graduated" to her regular OB. Just this past Sunday she gave birth to a healthy (although he ate his poo so he stayed in NICU until Thursday) baby boy. 4 years. Most of their whole entire relationship together they spent trying to have that little boy. And it finally happened. And she is 40. And frankly she's sort of an idiot who didn't really know as much as we all do here (because we're smart, we read, we research, we talk to each other). But it happened, and if this one was a loss they would have tried again.

The reason for this is to show you that you're not without hope. There is the chance, and it seems you and YH want this so badly. Yeah, it sort of sucks right now that the first couple of years of marriage have been all about TTCAL, but it's because you both want something so badly, you're willing to fight so hard to get it, even if it means less frequent "honeymooner stage" moments. You'll get them. He's not going anywhere, and you're not going anywhere. You're going to see an RE! And you didn't cancel the apt, so that means, even if you both had a long talk over your 13 hour drive about maybe calling it a day, inside you both can't really be ready for that because you are still going to the RE.

Don't give up. 2 years seems like an eternity. And 4 years did for my sister. But she did it, finally, and omg is it worth it (for her, and for me as that boy's aunt and godmother).

OK I hope I didn't overstep my bounds with anything I said. I just really felt your post, deep down, and I felt like maybe my sister's story could give you what you need to keep fighting.

(((hugs))) and the best of luck to you!! xo

MrsPhD83 · January 2015

Oh lady, I am so sorry you find yourself in this place. I hope your RE can offer some insight. And I hope that you and YH are able to have open and productive conversations about this decision. So many hugs to you.

ellebelle2384 · January 2015

Sending you lots of ((hugs)). I'm sorry you are in this place and having to make a decision but it sounds like you and YH have such a solid relationship and I'm glad you are actively making a decision together. We're here for whatever support you need.

Littleowl913 · January 2015

Massive amounts of ((hugs)). I'm so sorry you're facing this decision. I hope your RE appointment gives you the clarity you need going forward.

RoseTyler72 · January 2015

Huge Hugs to you! It makes me so sad to see you struggling with such difficult decisions.You have been so supportive and helpful to me since I came here just a few weeks ago.

Part of me wants to tell you not to give up, but I think I can understand what you mean by focusing so much on TTC that you miss out on other really great aspects of life. You two know what is best for your situation. Sending T&P's to you and your husband. Give us an update after your appointment please!

Nikolie93 · January 2015

@mcodea88‌ thank you so much for sharing your sister's story and I am glad it worked out for them. I will keep your story in my mind in moving forward.

MH opened up to me and told me that he's petrified of losing me after he experienced the horrible April MC. He told me that he will be ok with a child or without a child but he won't be ok if something happens to me. I know that was hard for him to say and it meant so much to me.

@medic7979 we had the same thoughts on what if we got pregnant. It drove every decison we made in our lives and we have missed out on so much. Good luck to you *hug*

All of your support is amazing, I needed this. It was so hard to type up but I'm glad I did.
:x

negritosmami · January 2015

I dont really know the right words to say right now so im glad pp's have taken the thoughts in my heart and put them out there already. Im sorry you find yourself at this point and I have many hugs for you and I wish you nothing but the best!!

renegadewhit · January 2015

Nik, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this decision/these circumstances. I don't have any advice on how to deal, but I'm here to give you all the ((hugs)).

Rachaeleigh · January 2015

What a bunch of shitty, difficult things to consider. (((Hugs)))

The truth is, maybe you won't get your rainbow. Maybe I won't get mine, either.

TELLING SOMEONE THAT ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE IF YOU JUST KEEP TRYING AND DON'T GIVE UP IS NOT HELPFUL... its SHAMEFUL
(Sorry, that shit irks me)

Someone touched on this, but I think it's more helpful to think about what you're willing to go through now to get what you want. So, no matter how it turns out, you're ok with that decision. Example, why we're even going through ivf is because I'll always wonder if I dont. I'm now in the process of trying to make that same decision with PGD

((((Hugs))))

meredithcarole · January 2015

I'm so sorry your in such a difficult place. I can imagine it feels like the weight of the world with a decision that large looming in front of you. This journey is nothing like any of us thought it would be. I wish I had some wise words to offer as you navigate the last bit of your path, but I don't. Instead I will say that I hope you get whatever you need from the RE and that you are able to come to a place with YHwhere you can move forward, whichever direction that is. So many (((hugs))).

eliida · January 2015

Oh, Nik, I wish I had the words. I also wish I could give you a big IRL hug and not just a creepy internet one. Everything about this is exhausting.

As PPs have already said, only you and YH can know what's right for the two of you and your life together. It's a testament to the both of you that you can (and do) have these difficult conversations.

Deep breaths. Sending you peace and comfort.

beckynsean11 · January 2015

Sending you huge hugs Nikki! I think any one of us that's been down this road long enough can completely relate. MH have had our talks about being CFNBC too. I hope that your RE appointment goes well & you find peace in whichever decision you make. I'm always around if you need to talk

Ltlbandito · January 2015

I just wanted to send you some ((hugs)). My T&Ps will be with you this week

dandb925 · January 2015

Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It just really really sucks, but I'm glad you have your husband's support. You need to do what's best for you, whatever that means. Hopefully the appointment with the RE will offer some guidance in making a decision. Big big (((hugs))) your way!!

scrang74 · January 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through such a tough time. My husband and I met when I was 37, and we started talking babies very quickly. Fast forward to our wedding 3 days after I turned 40 and 3 months after our first loss...3 months married, 2nd loss. So, our whole young relationship/marriage has been about TTC!

We had our 1st RE appointment yesterday and while it was extremely overwhelming, we are moving forward with all the testing and prepping ourselves for the ultimate and most expensive option...IVF w/ PGS. We both want this so badly and are willing (at this point) to try anything.

I'm turning 41 in 6 months and I'm trying to not look too far into the future; I need to hold onto the positive now. But I know if whatever treatment we undergo doesn't work and quickly, we'll have to have an endgame plan. That scares me the most, so again, I try to live in the now.

I think whatever you choose will be the best choice for you, your hubby, and your relationship. Its an extremely personal decision. You know what you are willing to do, perhaps some of the options your RE will offer will be less invasive. Hugs to you as you navigate the next couple of weeks!

edit...fixing stupid ipad format!

KirstenAlecia · January 2015

This post saddens me so @Nikolie93. You are one of my fave peeps around this part. I wish i could hug you right now. Cry with you if needed......im sad for you. Deep in my heart sad.

You've been an amazing support to me here on the boards and in PMs back and forth you have no idea how much that means. I can't stand when someone who is so deserving isn't getting that thing they deserve the most.

It is a hard decision to come by for sure. Not one to be taken lightly for sure.

Hugs my friend. I am here for you.

LittleMrsW · January 2015

Big ((hugs)) Nikki. I'm so sorry you are being faced with such a tough decision. I hope your RE will give you some clarity and that you will be able to make a comfortable decision moving forward.

Nikolie93 · January 2015

I'm so overwhelmed by the support, thoughts, and hugs from you all.

If I wasn't mobile I would respond to each and everyone of you but know that I have read every, single, response. *hugs*

jordangoodnight · January 2015

I'm so sorry that you're facing such a terrible decision.

(((HUGE HUGS)))

aswedishbee · January 2015

I, too, am so sorry you find yourself in this position and really have no new insight, thoughts or stories to offer. The fact that you and hubs have discussed this openly is amazing and no matter your decision or outcome I have a deep feeling you will remain strong and find happiness. { h u g s }

doveshoes · January 2015

Hello,

I don't have any helpful advice to give because having to make such a difficult decision is currently outside of my experience. But, you've been so kind to me over on the miscarriage board after I had my first loss recently. I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and I hope you make peace with whatever decision you reach in the end (((((hugs))))

schuebja · January 2015

@Nikolie93‌ I'm really sorry you and your DH are facing this decision. Sending lots of hugs your way.

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