I need some support sensitive topic-potential end of my TTC journey, CFNBC

mrswheelo · January 2015

I'm so sorry for your losses and for the difficult situation you are in. I won't pretend to understand what you are feeling, as my ttcal journey has only just begun & at a different stage in my life. But I will say that it sounds like you and your husband still really want to be parents and are not done fighting!

You've already made the big decision; "how far are we willing to go?". So if everything checks out from your RE, I say keep trying. As a pp mentioned, it may never happen "naturally" despite trying. Part of the journey is about "accepting" that and the things you have no control over. But giving up too soon will only leave you feeling guilty and wondering "what if?".

Good luck to you and many ((hugs)). I hope you get good news from your RE. If you don't, know that we are always here to support you, no matter what.

nikiswimr · January 2015

@Nikolie93‌ I'm sorry you're dealing with this right now especially with everything else going on. We're still here for you. I can't give you any advice because this is such an individual decision. It is ok to not do all the things, and this can be so tough on a marriage. Let us know about your appointment with the RE and we're here thinking of and supporting you.

O2girl · January 2015

mcodea88 said:
Hi! I'd like to give you some food for thought. **Warning, LC Mentioned**

My sister is 40 years old (as of 11/12). She and her boyfriend (they actually got married just this past October) met later in life, like you and your husband. They started TTC soon after (I don't know exactly how when they started). They tried for 4 years, had 2 MCs, and worked with an RE during both of those MCs. I think they were not having luck even getting pregnant before seeing the RE. Anyway, her first was at 9 weeks, the second was at 8 weeks. But for my sister's whole life, she wanted a baby. This situation wasn't ideal. They were together, and spent their whole together lives TTCAL. Finally, she got pregnant a 3rd time, with the RE still as their dr. And after 12 weeks, she "graduated" to her regular OB. Just this past Sunday she gave birth to a healthy (although he ate his poo so he stayed in NICU until Thursday) baby boy. 4 years. Most of their whole entire relationship together they spent trying to have that little boy. And it finally happened. And she is 40. And frankly she's sort of an idiot who didn't really know as much as we all do here (because we're smart, we read, we research, we talk to each other). But it happened, and if this one was a loss they would have tried again.

The reason for this is to show you that you're not without hope. There is the chance, and it seems you and YH want this so badly. Yeah, it sort of sucks right now that the first couple of years of marriage have been all about TTCAL, but it's because you both want something so badly, you're willing to fight so hard to get it, even if it means less frequent "honeymooner stage" moments. You'll get them. He's not going anywhere, and you're not going anywhere. You're going to see an RE! And you didn't cancel the apt, so that means, even if you both had a long talk over your 13 hour drive about maybe calling it a day, inside you both can't really be ready for that because you are still going to the RE.

Don't give up. 2 years seems like an eternity. And 4 years did for my sister. But she did it, finally, and omg is it worth it (for her, and for me as that boy's aunt and godmother).

OK I hope I didn't overstep my bounds with anything I said. I just really felt your post, deep down, and I felt like maybe my sister's story could give you what you need to keep fighting.

(((hugs))) and the best of luck to you!! xo

This is really not fun to hear when you are facing the end of your TTC journey. I know this because it wasn't what I need to hear. I'm personally all tapped out for hope and having people tell me about everyone else's success. I see pregnant women all day long..... It doesn't give me hope; it reminds me that I'm not and most likely won't be.

In the future please understand that women towards the end of their TTC journey don't need to hear about other people's success in order to have hope..... Hope is already all we have. I hope for a miracle everyday..... But history and reality rob me of the confidence to continue working towards something that most likely won't happen.

This kinda sucked to read today.

katib77 · January 2015

^ O2 is right. A stopping point is very personal and saying "it took so and so x years" is a way to minimize the journey of others. Only each individual can say "this is my end" and yes it may be shorter than so and so that did find success but those are anecdotes. No one tells the story of "I know someone who tried for 9 years, spent over 60k, had five losses and still ended up child less". But every where I look someone tells me of "oh my friend almost gave up and then magically got pg". Stopping should not been seen as 'giving up' but moving forward in life knowing you tried. It takes strength to stop, it takes hope that life will still be great, it takes courage. Do not diminish the women who have or may have to make that hard choice.

rslh10 · January 2015

So many fucking ((hugs))

CC1017 · January 2015

@Nikolie93‌ I'm sorry you and your DH are faced with this decision, but I'm also really happy to hear that you are able to have really honest talks about the situation. I hope the RE is able to give you a clearer picture about your ttc efforts. Personally I know I am a person that thrives off of stability and planning. It has made loss very difficult to deal with because it makes me feel the opposite of stable. In therapy I've been working on trying to live in the present. It's hard, and I'm not very good at it. But it sounds like it might be helpful to you too. Regardless of what ttc path you choose, maybe a little bit of time ntnp (step away from the chart, hio when you want to, not because you have to) and focusing on what you and DH want to do right now would help to clear your minds so you can reassess your plan after the RE meeting.

craftykix · January 2015

❤️❤️

I just want to say (hugs)

winnie1122 · January 2015

So so sorry you're facing this, but I hope you and your husband find peace with whatever you decide to do. Sending lots of hugs your way!!

Nikolie93 · January 2015

Thank you, ladies :x

Cheetara2 · January 2015

negritosmami said:

I dont really know the right words to say right now so im glad pp's have taken the thoughts in my heart and put them out there already. Im sorry you find yourself at this point and I have many hugs for you and I wish you nothing but the best!!

This! I hope that you are able to get some clarity from your appointment, and I hope that you and your husband will be content with whatever decision you make, now and for years to come.

ladybug122386 · January 2015

Hugs to you love!!! I hope things work out for you and that you guys can bring home a prince or princess and if you can't what about adoption? Also I will definitely keep good thoughts for you good luck

Rachaeleigh · January 2015

ladybug122386 said:
Hugs to you love!!! I hope things work out for you and that you guys can bring home a prince or princess and if you can't what about adoption? Also I will definitely keep good thoughts for you good luck

@ladybug122386‌ , this made me cringe a bit. I think because so many have said this to me, "just adopt!"...as in that's supposed to magically fix everything.
I'm not saying that was your intention or meaning, and I know that you just intro'd.
Unfortunately, many of us have gone through multiple losses or years of infertility and we have to consider the possibility of coming to the end of our roads.
Try lurking around for a bit, read some posts, check out the ttcal blog (linked in the READ ME FIRST post at top of board) just to get a feel for the board :-)

kreardon11 · January 2015

ladybug122386 said:
Hugs to you love!!! I hope things work out for you and that you guys can bring home a prince or princess and if you can't what about adoption? Also I will definitely keep good thoughts for you good luck

You lost me at alluding to the OP she may never bring home her rainbow, and that's okay, because adoption is such a breeze? Even though that may be a reality for many of us.....ouch. Really painful.

Nik- I am so sorry you're in this place right now. Sending all the t&ps, wine, puppies and whatever else will put a smile on your face.

rmpar29 · January 2015

Oh honey, so many ((((HUGS)))) for you. I'm sorry that I'm just seeing this now. I really have no advice, but just know that I'm thinking of you and DH. I hope you have a good RE appointment and that it helps to make your decision easier. Just know that I'm here for you.