Working Moms

considering resigning

I'm currently considering submitting my resignation from this job. I've been here for a year now (total experience is 4 years in construction/project management) Between work/home/baby(5 months old) and my inner critic putting so much pressure on me to be perfect at everything and my PPD symptoms (the psychologist my OB/GYN suggested seems to be on vacation for now just to top it off).

My baby is going through sleep regression and is now attached to the boob by glue all night long for comfort and she wants to sleep while hugged and nursing all the time that she wakes up the moment we put her down and she wasn't like that before. I know this will pass but it will only be replaced by something else.

My life is completely upside down, I get almost no down time what so ever and being attached to the pump at work and then nursing her all evening/night, after I've cooked something and arranged the house gets me wiped out, then comes the weekend and I have to deal with what I don't deal with all week which is having my overly energetic baby all day long and needing to run errands/rest/or do anything that would prevent me from going absolutely psycho.

my husband is the bread winner, he pays for all the bills/flat rent/just started paying for DC as well, etc but he ends up with about 300 USD to save a month if lucky. my salary goes to buying things for myself including clothes, food if am out, some of the house groceries, some cleaning bills, most of the clothes and books and toys for our kid,most of our household gifts to relatives and friends, any grooming for myself, paying my car installment, any courses that I need to take, any medical bills for myself not covered by insurance, and I used to pay for DC as well, and I end up with about 300 USD as well if I'm lucky. I personally feel that I need my job financially beside not to go stir crazy. It isn't that I need it to survive, I need it to be comfortable.

One of the reasons I'm under so much pressure is that my day is non stop stress and pressure from 6 am-9pm and then to top it off DD decided not to sleep at night so I get no break what so ever, In my field working part time is not an option and the pay if I go to some other field will not be worth the stress because I will basically be working to pay off my car installment alone in a place where I'm not being satisfied nor gaining skill/experience in my field.

my husband works longer and has been now promoted to a managerial position in a new department at work so he is super busy and gets home later than I do (I do all DC drop-offs and pick-ups hence the DC is by my work and away from his and because he has to be at work at 7 am while for me i have to be at work at 8) and to top it off he suffers from chronic headaches, we've done every test in the book to know the reason but nothing worked so far and he is scheduled for a nasal deviation correction surgery in two weeks that might help if he starts breathing better. Basically meaning we don't share the responsibilities, I carry all of them and he helps. Whenever I complain he says lets move to a bigger place and get a full time nanny, which we can't afford because I thought it through and he hadn't or he says lets order take out or eat out which again is something that we already do now much more than before.

We have a cleaner who comes in the weekend to clean once and then twice in the week to help with laundry folding and cooking prep work, but that still leaves the actual cooking/lunch prep/breakfast prep/actual laundry/ house ongoing tidying and pick up and arranging/and all baby related responsibilities (I nurse mainly, change diapers, and I cook, and then do daily packing and unpacking of the diaper and pump bag/keeping baby items and household items in stock these are the major most time consuming things that I do) he would occasionally hang the laundry to dry or empty/load the dish washer but has no set tasks and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me dropping the ball which if I do we will be living in a huge mess (I'm a little OCD)

I've had numerous melt downs ever since I had DD because of being stressed out. I'm starting to resent my husband and my kid due to feeling enslaved to being a mother and that all my personal goals like having a career and keeping fit and doing anything for myself have diminished with her existence (unplanned pregnancy issues still causing trouble there) and I'm sick of feeling tired and like shit and feeling guilty towards my kid and my husband for being a complete wreck that he has to pick me up and console me every couple of weeks. I feel like a huge failuar and an unfit mother.

I need help
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God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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Farida, at 8 weeks
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Re: considering resigning

  • And get checked out for PP. Best advice I ever got. I was "only" dealing with a bit of excessive guilt and tended to explode when I got angry. I talked to my doctor, she said that my hormones were messing with my happiness, put me on the minimum dose for Zoloft, and sent me on my way. Things have been much, much better ever since. (I was even able to fend off my mother's ability to push my buttons - which is a full-on miracle...)
    One boy (11.26.12) and one girl (2.28.14)
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  • I second getting checked for PPD. It sounds like you are really in a tough spot. Do you like your job? If so I wouldn't quit. Your baby is at a though age but it gets better. You need to find a way to get more sleep. Do you have any family that could help out?




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  • alli2672alli2672 member
    edited December 2014

    I agree with stopping breastfeeding.  And maybe you can hire your housekeeper to come in additional time every week and actually do the cooking/laundry/diaper bag packing.  Our housekeeper makes meals 4 days a week, and leaves them in the fridge.  I pop them in the oven as soon as I get home, and by the time I change out of work clothes, kiss everyone, and set the table, it's ready to eat.  It is one of the things that has kept me able to work FT. 

    Also, a lot of these baby-related duties will go away within the next 6 months.  By a year old, all of my kids were eating table food on their own at the time the rest of us were eating, had predictable sleep/wake times, did not wake up during the night, and were able to entertain themselves for long(er) periods of time.  So, if I was very delusional, I could almost imagine I had my normal life back. 

    ETA:  It also gets to be a lot more fun to stay at home with toddlers (IMO at least).  Also, I personally had a great experience with reducing my hours from 60/wk to 8/wk for a couple of years.  I was much happier, less stressed, no longer crying all of the time, able to make friends, etc.   

  • Honestly, I think quitting your job would add more stress to you as it sounds like your paycheck covers some pretty necessary expenses. And as some other women have said, work is an escape for me. It sounds like you do need some help though. With the PPD and just around the house. Quitting BF'ing would provide some extra opportunities for help.  My husband isn't one to notice that baby related things need done (bath, needs changed, wants food, etc) but if I ask him to do it he will. Would your husband start helping in that way? For me, it was either do it all on my own and lose my marbles, or feel annoying for about 2 minutes and have an extra set of hands helping with the baby while I started dinner and unpacked our stuff from the day. Asking for help is hard, but as a mom you have to learn to do it. The phrase "it takes a village" is a true statement!
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    NADA-H said:
    We have a cleaner who comes in the weekend to clean once and then twice in the week to help with laundry folding and cooking prep work, but that still leaves the actual cooking/lunch prep/breakfast prep/actual laundry/ house ongoing tidying and pick up and arranging/and all baby related responsibilities (I nurse mainly, change diapers, and I cook, and then do daily packing and unpacking of the diaper and pump bag/keeping baby items and household items in stock these are the major most time consuming things that I do) he would occasionally hang the laundry to dry or empty/load the dish washer but has no set tasks and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me dropping the ball which if I do we will be living in a huge mess (I'm a little OCD)

    Agree with PP on stopping nursing or at least pumping at work if you can swing it. It's amazing how much work pumping is from the packing of the pumping bag to actually pumping to storing milk.

    With regards to the bolded, can you do easier meals that don't require a lot of time to cook? And can you cook more at a time so that you cook every other day and not every day? I only cook twice during the work week and I try and cook meals that require minimal active time, either in the slow cooker or where I have less than 30 minutes of active time after work. If I have to, I prep the night before. My husband and I are both Asian but I cook mostly American food because it's usually a lot easier and there are a lot fewer ingredients than most Asian dishes. We eat Asian when we go out to eat so it balances out. Breakfast is usually a greek yogurt or cereal so no cook time.

    My husband also washes dishes and I don't do his laundry which helps a lot. You really need to ask your husband to pitch in more with the household tasks. I also try and let some of the small things go. If possible, also try and have 30 minutes each night for yourself - watch TV, read or do something just for you. It really makes a difference.

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  • Sorry you are feeling this way.  Is there another therapist you can be referred to?

    I agree with @MusicFillsMyHeart related to finances.  IMO, I don't understand why some married couples choose to maintain separate finances - it seems to undermine the "we" and "us" of a relationship.  How each person spends their money impacts the household finances anyway, so why not combine them?  

    Also agree with PP's to quit BFing.  I wanted so badly to BF, but had to quit trying after the first week with DS because it was too stressful on top of being a new mom and recovering from an emergency C-section.  Something had to give, and that was it.

    The first 6-8 months will probably be the hardest, so don't stress yourself out with making a meal every night, or making sure that everything is cleaned and picked up all the time.  Delegate some responsibilities to your H (my H does his own laundry and helps clean), get take out or have simple no-prep meals (e.g., sometimes we have cereal and/or PB&J nights), and make sure to get rest or take a break when you need to (stopping BFing will also help with that - you can have "me" time again for more than 2 hours).

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  • I would definitely cut back on the home cooked meals- either by dinning out more or going with easier meals (crockpot etc). There are a lot of surprisingly simple and healthy crockpot meals. Dh and I also make a crockpot meal over the weekend, portion it out, and freeze it for lunches. You could do the same for dinner.

    If you can afford the formula expense, stopping bf made a world of difference for me.
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  • I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. You have to see someone about this to get an emotional handle on this as well as perspective.

    Some things you are worried about can wait - hot meals, clean dishes, clean house.

    From a practical standpoint, you need help from your partner. I agree with everyone who said that. He can work long hours but he can't do dishes or take a night time feeding?

    I couldn't do everything you are doing either. Something has to give, but you are covering a lot of expenses with your job, so to me, something else has to give.

    The first thing that comes to mind is that your H needs to help you.

    Stopping pumping made a huge difference to me. I never did breast feed but I 100% pumped for 7.5 months and it was too long. Honestly there are a lot of times I wish I had never started b/c I had a hard time giving myself permission to stop. Pumping took time away from my kids (including my baby), my job, and my H. It sounds to me like BF can be something that gives as well and it would make a big difference to your emotional well being if you can be kind enough to yourself to allow yourself to let that go.




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  • My DD2 reverse cycled in the worst way, but I just ended up cosleeping with her which made all the difference. There are safe ways to cosleep. But you sound really stressed. I second what everyone else said about getting checked for PPD. Find a little time (like ten minutes at work) to walk outside. Take five minutes to just breathe. Adding a second kid can be very stressful. Can you just accept that things will be crazy and not up to your usual standards for the next 5 months?
    IVF, acupuncture, meditation and a miracle. 

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  • Everyone has great suggestions here. My 2 cents to add:
    Get your DH to pitch in more. I get that he is working hard, just in a different way, but what you're doing right now isn't working.

    What DH and I do is trade off Saturday 3 hour blocks: from 7:00-10:00am I am out of the house-working out or grabbing a coffee, breakfast with a friend, or doing an early morning errand to beat the rush. Then I come home and DH gets 10:00-1:00 to go out with what he wants/needs to do. It's a bit of a sanity break that I need desperately, and when I do choose to work out, I feel so much better emotionally.

  • First of all I'd like to say that feeling overwhelmed is a very normal thing for new moms. A baby shakes your life up in ways you cannot predict or prepare for and the lack of sleep and personal time is shocking to many, myself included. I well remember those days of feeling like I was drowning and failing at everything. My best advice on this front is to accept that your life has changed. You will be tired, you will always have laundry on the go, you will always have another meal to make. Don't fight the fact that life is different, it's a fight that cannot be won after all.

    I agree with all the pp, quitting your job is an unlikely solution to your problems. In reality, quitting your job might well add to your list of concerns and the imbalance you currently feel in your life.

    I also agree that talking to a doctor about possible PPD/A is a good idea and talking to your husband is a MUST. He MUST pitch in and do his share. Full stop. It's not optional. He's a grown man with a family. His life has changed as well and he will need to adapt his comforts to accommodate.

    Best wishes going forward.

    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
  • PPs have given a lot of good advice.  I was in a similar situation of feeling overwhelmed when LO was around 3mo.  DH had just started a new business, LO wasn't sleeping well, I was working full time and supporting the family...  What really helped us was having my mom come and stay for a month.  It gave me time to catch up on sleep, and for DH and I to work out a routine in terms of household chores.  Even though he wasn't home very much, he had his daily tasks he was responsible for (e.g. would run the dishwasher, and he would empty it when he got home).  Is there anyone who can come help you out for a couple weeks so you can work on getting into a better routine?
  • jenn43 said:

    PPs have given a lot of good advice.  I was in a similar situation of feeling overwhelmed when LO was around 3mo.  DH had just started a new business, LO wasn't sleeping well, I was working full time and supporting the family...  What really helped us was having my mom come and stay for a month.  It gave me time to catch up on sleep, and for DH and I to work out a routine in terms of household chores.  Even though he wasn't home very much, he had his daily tasks he was responsible for (e.g. would run the dishwasher, and he would empty it when he got home).  Is there anyone who can come help you out for a couple weeks so you can work on getting into a better routine?

    This is really good advice!! My mom also came a few times and that helped so much. She would help out with cleaning, bring freezer meals, cook us dinner. Just another who can bring a meal can be great.
    IVF, acupuncture, meditation and a miracle. 

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  • I agree with the above completely.
    Give DH a task list, keep trying to get in with the therapist your doc recommended, give up BF ing and have your H take some overnights - even if just temporarily so you can get more sleep (everything feels worse to me when I'm tired)
    In addition could you work with the help you do have to see if they can manage more efficiently?  If your housekeeper is coming three times a week, I would think they could manage all the laundry (or at least mine could - actually did back when she came just 1x week) and maybe some of the meal prep?  Or maybe your DH is right and instead of that expenditure you could get 1 full time person to do housekeeping & watch the baby? TBH - having a nanny for DD (we did not for DS) has been a godsend just in terms of the "upkeep" - baby laundry, bottles, drop off/pick up.  I would absolutely trade multiple day housekeeping for my nanny (and she only cleans up after the kids) and just deal with a less organized house (but I guess I already did that when we went from every week to every other week)
    Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.


  • @NADA-H‌ Check out the formula feeding board on The Bump. There are a ton of moms who stopped breastfeeding for reasons a lot like yours. They are a very nice, supportive group. And please do take care of yourself. I don't think quitting your job is the answer. I know you're in a different culture than most of us are. Is it possible to have your husband help more or to have your mom come stay for a little while? I don't remember if your mom is near you. And keep us updated. As weird as it sounds, we do care about you. And I promise it does get easier with time.
  • I went through a similar thing with my daughter, and the part about breastfeeding sounds especially familiar to me. I chose to quit breastfeeding at 9 months when I went back to work, and formula fed my son from day one because of issues "piling on" with breastfeeding. For example - stress about pumping, DH not being able to help with baby, me being stuck to couch feeding rather than doing stuff for myself or getting stuff done around the house...I totally second everyone's suggestion about giving that up.

    Ditto for getting fianances put together in one account so that there is less "his/hers" going on and to seeing a Dr. to investigate PPD. Depression feels like drowning and makes people less able to cope (personnal experience).

    Good luck and be kind to yourself.
  • Thank you all for responding. I apologize for the long post and even longer comment but I do feel like I'm drowning like some PPs suggested that's why I mentioned having PPD symptoms 

    I think some things need to be better explained about my situation; 

    I had un-diagnosed pre-natal depression due to my unplanned pregnancy, honestly thinking about it now if I had better birth control I would have probably never had kids although I always pictured us as a family with kids of our own I knew what it entailed and was never going to be ready to purposely have a child. Every time I mentioned having kids before I'd say "our kid, if we ever have one" My family and closest friends helped me get a better outlook and focus on the good part and telling me how having a child wasn't such a disaster as I imagined it (It feels as an even worse disaster now) but I was never diagnosed and never went to see a proper professional therapist/psychologist. I knew this was going to be a major factor of me getting PPD as it makes you a higher risk.

    I don't know any good psychologists, the only one my gyn suggested seems to be out of town until after the holidays so i will try and call her after next weekend. My husband suggested we go see the local family counseling and therapy center until then.

    For the first month of my baby's life we staid with my parents which helped a lot. I only had to take care of my baby, and only partially really because everyone wanted to do things for us and I let them. When we went back to our flat and my DH went back to work and I was with my baby all day long I felt overwhelmed. Going back to work was the best thing that happened to me although it was very tiring so we decided we get this person to help us out, that's about the same time my baby started sleeping through the night and only getting up 1 time during 12 hours of night sleep to nurse and then would drift off to sleep right away so things were MUCH easier.

    My mother lives near by, in fact DD goes there daily this week due to DC being off for the holidays. My mom has a full time maid/nanny and my sisters live at home so they ask me to bring her to baby sit whenever. Its sometimes too much of a hassle to do that though and we end up taking her with us wherever we are going because to get to my parents house although its close, takes an hour sometimes due to traffic. We eat at my parents once in the weekend every week and she gives us leftovers which would make for 1-2 lunches. I don't like/feel like i can ask my mom for much though because their household is busy (3 siblings living at home) and my mom's busy life+ her chronic arthritis, i think i spelled it wrong. She also developed lymph-edema in her hand/arm after going through chemo and a mastectomy, she's been limping for the last three days due to arthritis flaming up in her right foot. do you see where i'm going with this? everyone else in my extended family has a big family to take care off and I'm not comfortable asking them to come over to take care of my baby.

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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • DD is going through horrible sleep regression, teething, and having non stop cold/cough which all started about 2 months ago and the sleep regression and teething has reached a peak now, she gets up to suckle and wants to sleep on the boob, she sometimes would reluctantly take a bottle which my husband would give her, we are sharing night time waking. However, she is waking up once every 2 hours sometimes even more, the moment we put her down she gets up, this started about a week ago now, we'd try to put her down for the night for over an hour and a half at times where she'd fall asleep on our shoulders and then wake up the moment she's down over 7 times at a time. 

    We've tried putting her in bed with us, hugging her, holding her, but she keeps waking up and sometimes the boob or a bottle won't suffice and she just wants to be held and rocked to sleep and would cry her head off in the process. the icing on this is she doesn't take a pacifier, never accepted it and it makes her more upset when we try. During the day too she will not be left alone for a minute she wants personal one on one interaction 24/7 she will not just sit there and play with a toy or such although she used to. She's so smart and so alert and a very strong observant that she gets bored so quickly and wants to move to the next thing and she's starting to want to be with someone who's talking and playing with her all the time, mainly me.

    just yesterday my mom drove over with her maid at 7:30 am to come take my baby and clean my mattress- I had DD sitting in my bed while I put on my clothes because she was screaming her head off and her diaper leaked over the pillow, sheets, mattress and all and I couldn't be late so instead of me cleaning it and driving my baby afterwards to my mom's she came over to clean and did some cleaning in the house too and took my baby to her house.

    today, my baby was co-sleeping in our bed and she leaked in the bed AGAIN! I ended up crying and sobbing while I cleaned the mattress this morning and all I wanted to do was scream so loud, dropped her off after cleaning the mattress to my mom's and told her to help find her a new mother. I feel that I've turned into a crazy heartless person and that my daughter has no mother in the warm sense of the term because all of the negative feelings I have deep down about having her although I love her and when I'm not having an episode of this anger and anxiety and feeling so down, I'm perfect in taking care of her and I'm very loving. But I don't feel like myself, both because I had a baby and because of my current status, which is why I'm kean on trying therapy but so scared of being put on medication, and that I wouldn't function unless I'm drugged and then I won't be "myself" either. I'm so sick and tired of all of this and of being a helpless wreck.

    That's another thing that's adding to my pain and making my husband uncomfortable at the moment, is the comments that I make when I'm at my witts end, I feel horrible about what I say later but part of me is satisfied when I say things like "find her another mom" "I shouldn't have had her" and the like, which makes me again even more upset...feeling rather crazy right now. the last two days I couldn't hug or play with or kiss or talk to my baby, I kept her at my mom's until about her bedtime and I was sitting there with her in my lap but with 0 emotions, yesterday I managed to kiss her once and hold her and I felt a little warm inside but then comes last night with all the wakening and morning bed wetting and her non stop crying all morning while I tried to get ready made me want to scream.

    That situation with my husband boils down to this: he is willing to pay a lot for constant help which i dont think we can afford or eat any crap from outside regularly than to pitch in in a set task sort of way. he comes home and unless we are doing something physically engaging he would fall asleep in his seat from exhaustion. If i ask for him to help with something he does help but i think its common that men don't have the know how of what needs to be done to keep the house running which is why I'm considering the task list. He feels that things could wait and that it isn't the end of the world. my inner OCD critic feels cluster phobic in our small flat when things are all over the place. And I feel like a failure if I can't make my own food and because I feel so weak and keep breaking down.

    I got pregnant 2 months after our wedding and ever since I've been down with episodes of crying and saying pretty hurtful things about my pregnancy at the time, and DD now that I honestly worry that my husband is about to reach his breaking point soon. When I tell him that he says you pick me up when I'm down too and that he read it's normal due to hormones and that I have episodes and not an every day thing and he just asked me to express myself without saying the hurtful things I say, I don't know if I enjoy saying them because they release some anger or because I feel like I'm hurting him for not helping me more or what exactly.

    I don't cook everyday, I cook 2-3 times a week only but it's the packing unpacking of food, stocking, taking inventory, etc and I try to cook more in the weekend, a lot of the prep and cleaning is done by our maid during the week..

    not doing his laundry won't really help much, we don't do laundry separately, I separate by colors and do laundry once a week (2-3 loads) in the weekend.

    my maid is super slow and not very bright  that I need to do stuff with her to finish getting the house tidied and things done but I tried looking into hiring someone else and no one would take what we pay her which is about 68 USD per 8 hours (4 hours in weekend- 2 hours twice in the week) that's the same rate that cleaning companies charge here but independent cleaners that I found won't accept it, my maid accepted it because her day job is very close to my house so she saves on transport. To get a full time nanny you need to pay an office over 4K USD to get someone brought over here and then pay 400 USD per month which is a lot AND in this apartment impossible it'd be like she's sleeping in our bed with us, moving out is not an option, even smaller apartments right now are more expensive than ours.



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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • regarding money and separate financial statements, I was basically stating what each of us covered. In this part of the world women are not expected to work, men are the bread winners and we are brought up this way so if a woman works and her husband makes good money then she is expected to keep her money to herself to do with as she pleases and thus can leave work whenever she feels like it with no strings attached because her salary isn't needed to cover essential bills. We can do with less, that I'm sure about, the last few months we splurged ALOT but it was because we needed many things from before and were just putting them off for so long and I come from a mid-high class and would rather buy something that's good and durable or not buy at all over buying something that would look cheap (not exactly shopping Dior but not at target either). I won't however be able to ask my husband for money to buy nice things or go take a course in whatever, or get my nails done, etc...

    a) becuase I'd feel guilty because he always puts the household, DD, and myself ahead of all his needs and wants and would probably never buy anything just so DD and myself can have it all even if he seriously need something. And that's why I cover all of my expenses personally and try to cover as much of DD's as possible.

    b) I've never been the type to ask, I held a job ever since I was in college and if I didnt have the money I just didn't buy/do anything (lived at my parents and had no bills) but I've been used to having a good steady job that pays off well recently that cutting out that salary all together would mean re-budgeting, watching our finances even closer and letting go of buying more expensive things and feeling even more suppressed. 

    If I resign I will not be a SAHM- I lack the will and mental capacity, honestly to all women who did and do that, your like Gods to me- my baby will continue to go to nursery and I will be putting full effort into trying to get freelance jobs- which are so hard to come by and don't pay as much as my job does obviously- my parents and husband's point is that it's hard for me to get freelance work because I'm at work all day long and not fully focused on being a freelancer (marketing, etc). I'm also considering the following; starting an Etsy shop & a home trade business with my mother (we both have the joint finances to start something small)
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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • breast feeding wise I'm considering stopping, my baby already started solids, she takes 1pureed veg. or cereal meal a day, and we can afford formula. I'll seriously be sad if I stop, I was thinking I can do it until a year long (before this PPA or PPD episode hit) but now I don't know if I can. My initial goal is 6 months and final full goal is 1 year. If I want to stop pumping and just try to nurse when at home, what should I do for engorgement at work? would my milk fully stop if I stop pumping at work?

    I think I shouldn't make any decisions (BF stopping or resigning) prior to starting therapy. And I apologize for this encyclopedia that I wrote but I feel better having put it all in writing and feeling that other women are responding and that I'm not alone. I'm reading every word everyone is writing to me and seeking help so please don't spare any tips
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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • First of all hugs mama! Hang in there...I think once you get the help you need life is going to get much better. I don't have much to add that PPs haven't said, but I think you have been given lots of wisdom. Second, even some of us who planned our pregnancies struggle w being a mom and how life has changed sometimes. I personally have found sleep deprivation very challenging. I know you said your mom does a lot, but could she keep baby over one night. Or could your hubby stay w baby one night and you go to a hotel? Getting a good rest might give you the ability to think through all this easier. Finally, DH and I do our finances in a similar fashion...both of us have access to everything. ..and it works well
  • Not more advice, but big hugs here. I felt the same way (overwhelmed, like I didn't want DD when she was born) even though she was planned. I feel that way again with baby 3 who was planned spontaneously. Don't feel badly about that because it is normal for some moms. Saying nasty things is very normal too, at least it was for me. For example when DD started eating solids and she was eating raspberries and they were all over her mouth I told DH that she "looked like a whore" and I called her a "b!tch" when she would cry. Once I started my meds I didn't say things like that anymore. A note on meds, they make me feel normal, like my old self. I don't feel different/numbed in any way, so don't let that be a reason not to take them. Life is a lot more manageable and pleasant now that I have stabilized on my antidepressant and I wish I would have started them years ago (my issue is more along the lines of Major Depressive Disorder than PPD).
  • Another one to say definitely look into help for PPD and you need to give yourself a break. With two kids now, the 5-7 month time was by far the hardest for me. I promise it will start to get better in a few months and it will get a lot better a few months after that. While I understand not wanting to take on a large expense for care, I really would recommend it for at least a few months. It doesn't need to be a forever thing, just some help to allow you some time to breathe.

    I stopped pumping at work and nursed morning/evening at 9 months with my first and 7 months with my second. It was the best thing I did. I was naturally losing some supply at that point so I just slowly dropped a pumping session and it wasn't an issue, my supply was fine for morning/evening. Not everyone can though. Good luck, hang in there, it will get better soon.

     

    DD Nov 2010 ~ DS June 2012
  • I also wanted to add that you shouldn't beat yourself up for not connecting with your baby right away. 1. You probably have some serious hormonal issues and seeing a doctor and getting treatment will help a lot. 2. Little babies are not for everyone. The first year with my youngest was mostly awful. She was colicky, never slept and screamed if I tried to pass her to someone else. But now she's a super awesome 1 year old and is fun to be around. My DH was a huge help by taking her in the middle of the night when I couldn't stand it anymore. This little baby part is short. It will pass. And it will get better. You just need to get the help you need- medical and family support to get yourself better too.
    IVF, acupuncture, meditation and a miracle. 

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     Our sweet Valentine's Day FET.

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  • already dropped a pumping session since my baby is already taking 1 bottle of formula and is now taking 1 solid food meal. I will pump before bed I guess but I feel so much more relaxed at work right now not having to think of rushing to do stuff to run and pump again in 45 minutes.

    will call the therapist again and see if she is back after the weekend. Meanwhile my DH is jumping in to help big time, he's putting DD to bed which suddenly became a hard task in the last week and he takes one of the night wakening. He's also helping me talk about my emotions and figure a solution a lot.

    I feel better since reading all of your comments yesterday and talking to my DH the last couple of days. He also picked up DD last night and asked me to go to the GYM which helped tremendously and we are putting down a plan to do this regularly, I might go back to taking weekly music classes as well and leave DD with mom for that 1 hour class in the weekend. It's funny how these little things make a huge difference..I feel like the huge wave which drowned me the last few days had come down and am up breathing on land again...I feel bi-polar in a way, one day I'm sobbing and all over the place, the next am all smiles...scaring myself a little and feeling rather crazy but I feel much better today, been hugging and kissing DD all morning before work. My problem is I've been through this "PPD sort of episod" multiple times, when times are good everything is good but a couple of rough weeks with DD can send me down to my knees sobbing and wishing I can disappear, that happened while I was pregnant too which is why I need to go see a therapist and get this treated once and for all

    regarding work I'm yet to decide and if I do leave it would be by the beginning of April. If I last that long since our company is cutting costs right now and our team is temporary and very under worked so it makes sense that the person working less hours (2 hours less than everyone) and being paid the most gets cut loose especially that I'm late to work sometimes due to DD issues like waking up late or else, I've already received a hint from my management so I'm taking the time to plan my next personal business venture and focus on freelancing.
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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  •  I totally disagree with everyone that stopping breastfeeding will make your life easier.  Your LO is not going to all of a sudden start sleeping well at night just because you don't nurse her anymore.  She will most likely continue to wake up and need you to comfort her at night just now instead of nursing her you will be up in the MOTN comforting her in different ways.

    My DD was much like yours at night.  To survive, we coslept.  I would nurse her lying on my side.  I would latch her on and we'd both go to sleep.  I nightweaned her at 18 months and after that, she would wake up wanting to be rocked back to sleep.  I had to get my ass out of bed for that.  Nursing her in bed was so much easier.  

    Another thing you want to think about is the fact that weaning a baby who is not ready is not easy.  It's also very emotional for you.  Especially since you said you would be sad if you stopped.  It just annoys me how everyone just acted like weaning is no big deal.

    Big hugs for you.  I agree that you shouldn't make any rash decisions (about nursing or quitting your job) before getting help and starting therapy.


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  • NADA-H said:

    We have a cleaner who comes in the weekend to clean once and then twice in the week to help with laundry folding and cooking prep work, but that still leaves the actual cooking/lunch prep/breakfast prep/actual laundry/ house ongoing tidying and pick up and arranging/and all baby related responsibilities (I nurse mainly, change diapers, and I cook, and then do daily packing and unpacking of the diaper and pump bag/keeping baby items and household items in stock these are the major most time consuming things that I do) he would occasionally hang the laundry to dry or empty/load the dish washer but has no set tasks and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me dropping the ball which if I do we will be living in a huge mess (I'm a little OCD)



    Honestly, this is a lot.  You can't expect to do more than this when you work fulltime and have a baby.  My house is also a mess but it has gotten better.  One thing that helped us keep the house not looking like a tornado hit was setting a timer for 10 minutes to do housework.  My DH is one who likes to relax after work but I needed more help so for 10 minutes we both tidied up and cleaned house.  After 10 minutes we would stop and then relax before going to bed.  It helped him get off his butt and helped me in that it made sure I gave myself a chance to relax.  Cooking dinner and cleaning up after dinner don't count.
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  • I also disagree that quitting breastfeeding will make life with an infant easier.  I formula fed my first baby and breastfed my second, and I'd say they were equally hard.  Infants are hard, the method of feeding doesn't make a difference in the difficulty of raising them, in my opinion.  Outside of the pumping, I think nursing is actually less time consuming and allows for more rest.  It basically forces you to be the one to sit down and feed the baby while DH helps run the house.  As far as pumping, I know it sucks, I've been there, from months 3-12.  First of all, to protect your supply, you'll need to pump at minimum twice a day.  Stopping the pumping during the day this early on will likely cause you to dry up completely.  You can use the same pumping parts throughout the day, just store them in a ziploc and in a cooler after pouring the pumped milk into storage bags.  This saves some washing at the end of the day.  Use your pump breaks to rest and relax.  Maybe read a book, play a game on your phone, etc.  Let that be your "me" time even though you're also doing something for baby.  If formula feeding is the best thing for you and your family, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It's a perfectly healthy way to nourish your baby for the first year.  That said- please know there are most definitely benefits to nursing beyond the 6 month mark.  Even after solid foods are started, breastmilk still continues to be very nutritious and provide many benefits for both you and baby.

    I'm very glad to hear you're getting some more support at home, I think that's a huge part of surviving that first year with your sanity in tact.

    I'm also glad that you are getting help for the way you are feeling, don't be ashamed or afraid to speak up and let your support team (DH, your doctors, etc) know what's working and what isn't. Sometimes it's therapy, sometimes meds, often a combination. 

    Hugs, and hang in there.
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  • *hugs*!!!

    PPD is a serious medical condition and it's totally treatable. Seeing a counselor and getting on meds can both work by alone, but are best in conjunction.

    You have a lot on your plate, but you also have a lot of folks who care about you and want to support you. Let people help you right now, it won't be long before you're cured and back to helping them.
  • First tip: Get a plastic cover to put over your mattress under the sheets. We did this when DS was born. It helps a ton if they pee on the bed (it's happened twice to us) or pukes. This happened once before too. 

    I would definitely consider formula feeding at this point. There is nothing wrong with it and I think that it will take a ton of the burden off of you and free up a good portion of your time. DH can also contribute more with feeding your child too. 

    Second, I think that you need to just find a way to take some time off just for you. Maybe this means getting someone to take care of your daughter and just sit in your house by yourself for 8 hours. I would actually advocate to go to a hotel rather than stay home. At the very least, take a day off and go get pampered---a massage, mani pedi the works. Can you plan a girls weekend? It could give you a break from being mommy and just be a person. 

    I would also have a serious sit down conversation with your husband. Figure out a plan of attack together on how to cook, clean and take care of your baby. The first few months are extremely difficult, but it does get better. For us, I spend my Sunday's meal prepping and planning so that things are easy as possible in the evenings when I have limited time between walking in the door and getting DS to bed. I also have a honey-do list each weekend for DH. He works well off of lists and once it is on the list, I make a promise not to hound him about getting it done. 

    Lastly, maybe talk to your DH about him getting home on time at least one or two nights during the week. Then he can have quality time with your LO while he gets her ready for bed or does bath time while you watch some TV, play around on the computer or tablet or just read a book and drink a glass of wine. Doing this helped out a ton with DS when he was super clingy around that age with me. It also helped bond DH with DS a little more too while giving me a much needed break. 

    As a mom you have to know your limits and when you need to take a time out for yourself. Don't feel guilty needing to ask for help. I think when you take that time and go back into the game of raising your child, you are in a much better frame of mind and can be a better mom. 

    Good luck and hang in there!
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  • I felt that way as well while nursing and when my DD was around 5 months.  Stick with it, once she is sleeping and eating table food it gets so much more manageable. 
  • still nursing, but dropped one pumping session a day since she is taking 1 solid food meal and 1 formula bottle a day so I'm pumping twice at work and nursing evening/MOTN and morning. She sometimes ends up taking another bottle because I'm not pumping enough for DC but at this point I won't stress about it because her intake increased which is strange since pace fed and breast fed babies normally keep a stable intake but the wakefulness/extended cough/etc messed up everything. 

    She got Ventolin in a mask 2 times a day for 3 days this past weekend and while she was good by the end of 3 days, today she woke up with a cough FML I'm taking her back to the pedi

    my husband's surgery is tomorrow morning and we both took a week off afterwards and we will need to talk some things through.

    I'm thankful to have such a supportive community, thanks to all of you ladies. Still can't reach the psychologist and the local center which is here is mainly for couple' therapy and not psychology and they are seriously "old school" as in they take the husband's side in counseling as per my research and even if they see me for PPD they'd probably tell me I'm lame for wasting their time for a case of "baby blues" so I'm not going there.

    I have an appointment with my GYN/OB this coming Saturday and I hope we can work something out. Another source of anxiety for me right now is that I still didn't have my period since I got the paragard put in over 5 weeks ago (I did get my period on the day I got the paragard for 1 week and then nothing until now), I have all of the symptoms but they are true for pregnancy too, I took 2 pregnancy tests and they came back negative. I was switching from the mini pill to an IUD and I took my last pill the day after I had the IUD put in and then for about 10 days afterwards 7 of which I had my period there was no intercourse. I'm still very nervous though as to why I haven't gotten my period yet. I got it monthly on the dot while taking the mini pill and nursing ever since after pp bleeding for 5 weeks
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    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • Hi @ClaryPax thanks for the advice.

    My baby was much better after 6 sessions of ventolin and we've been doing better for about two weeks now but of course yesterday she starts coughing again, she doesn't have an infection, she did long before and that caused flume to build up and the cough to linger for much longer than expected
    I will be taking her back to see the pedi tomorrow.

    I went to my OBGYN finally after 3 negative pregnancy tests and a 6 weeks gap since the last period at IUD insertion time with no recurrent period afterwards. I'm not pregnant and everything looked just fine inside, she said you seem about ready to have a period so wait until the end of this week (which is tomorrow) and you should probably get it on your own, if not, she gave me a prescription to take that would cause my period to start. tomorrow will be 7 weeks since my last period started and I don't think I'm one of the people who wouldn't have periods with the IUD, I had it with the mini pill, breast feeding, and I was back to normal periods right after I finished my 6 weeks pp bleeding and I've been experiencing period symptoms for the last 3 weeks now; bloating, that extra kilo I put on around my period time, cravings, urinating more, feeling like my abdominal area is full and heavy; all of which is very similar to pregnancy symptoms to me which is why I repeatedly took the test. Gah I guess I will cave in tomorrow and go get the prescription if I don't naturally get my period

    imageimage
    God Bless You my Little One
    Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
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    Farida, at 8 weeks
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  • ClaryPax said:
    It never makes you not feel like yourself.  In fact in makes you feel MORE like yourself 
    Yes. Yes.
    One boy (11.26.12) and one girl (2.28.14)
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