I'm currently considering submitting my resignation from this job. I've been here for a year now (total experience is 4 years in construction/project management) Between work/home/baby(5 months old) and my inner critic putting so much pressure on me to be perfect at everything and my PPD symptoms (the psychologist my OB/GYN suggested seems to be on vacation for now just to top it off).
My baby is going through sleep regression and is now attached to the boob by glue all night long for comfort and she wants to sleep while hugged and nursing all the time that she wakes up the moment we put her down and she wasn't like that before. I know this will pass but it will only be replaced by something else.
My life is completely upside down, I get almost no down time what so ever and being attached to the pump at work and then nursing her all evening/night, after I've cooked something and arranged the house gets me wiped out, then comes the weekend and I have to deal with what I don't deal with all week which is having my overly energetic baby all day long and needing to run errands/rest/or do anything that would prevent me from going absolutely psycho.
my husband is the bread winner, he pays for all the bills/flat rent/just started paying for DC as well, etc but he ends up with about 300 USD to save a month if lucky. my salary goes to buying things for myself including clothes, food if am out, some of the house groceries, some cleaning bills, most of the clothes and books and toys for our kid,most of our household gifts to relatives and friends, any grooming for myself, paying my car installment, any courses that I need to take, any medical bills for myself not covered by insurance, and I used to pay for DC as well, and I end up with about 300 USD as well if I'm lucky. I personally feel that I need my job financially beside not to go stir crazy. It isn't that I need it to survive, I need it to be comfortable.
One of the reasons I'm under so much pressure is that my day is non stop stress and pressure from 6 am-9pm and then to top it off DD decided not to sleep at night so I get no break what so ever, In my field working part time is not an option and the pay if I go to some other field will not be worth the stress because I will basically be working to pay off my car installment alone in a place where I'm not being satisfied nor gaining skill/experience in my field.
my husband works longer and has been now promoted to a managerial position in a new department at work so he is super busy and gets home later than I do (I do all DC drop-offs and pick-ups hence the DC is by my work and away from his and because he has to be at work at 7 am while for me i have to be at work at 8) and to top it off he suffers from chronic headaches, we've done every test in the book to know the reason but nothing worked so far and he is scheduled for a nasal deviation correction surgery in two weeks that might help if he starts breathing better. Basically meaning we don't share the responsibilities, I carry all of them and he helps. Whenever I complain he says lets move to a bigger place and get a full time nanny, which we can't afford because I thought it through and he hadn't or he says lets order take out or eat out which again is something that we already do now much more than before.
We have a cleaner who comes in the weekend to clean once and then twice in the week to help with laundry folding and cooking prep work, but that still leaves the actual cooking/lunch prep/breakfast prep/actual laundry/ house ongoing tidying and pick up and arranging/and all baby related responsibilities (I nurse mainly, change diapers, and I cook, and then do daily packing and unpacking of the diaper and pump bag/keeping baby items and household items in stock these are the major most time consuming things that I do) he would occasionally hang the laundry to dry or empty/load the dish washer but has no set tasks and he doesn't seem to have a problem with me dropping the ball which if I do we will be living in a huge mess (I'm a little OCD)
I've had numerous melt downs ever since I had DD because of being stressed out. I'm starting to resent my husband and my kid due to feeling enslaved to being a mother and that all my personal goals like having a career and keeping fit and doing anything for myself have diminished with her existence (unplanned pregnancy issues still causing trouble there) and I'm sick of feeling tired and like shit and feeling guilty towards my kid and my husband for being a complete wreck that he has to pick me up and console me every couple of weeks. I feel like a huge failuar and an unfit mother.
I need help
Re: considering resigning
I agree with stopping breastfeeding. And maybe you can hire your housekeeper to come in additional time every week and actually do the cooking/laundry/diaper bag packing. Our housekeeper makes meals 4 days a week, and leaves them in the fridge. I pop them in the oven as soon as I get home, and by the time I change out of work clothes, kiss everyone, and set the table, it's ready to eat. It is one of the things that has kept me able to work FT.
Also, a lot of these baby-related duties will go away within the next 6 months. By a year old, all of my kids were eating table food on their own at the time the rest of us were eating, had predictable sleep/wake times, did not wake up during the night, and were able to entertain themselves for long(er) periods of time. So, if I was very delusional, I could almost imagine I had my normal life back.
ETA: It also gets to be a lot more fun to stay at home with toddlers (IMO at least). Also, I personally had a great experience with reducing my hours from 60/wk to 8/wk for a couple of years. I was much happier, less stressed, no longer crying all of the time, able to make friends, etc.
I second a lot of the things said above. Get an appt for PPD. I didn't know until recently that PPA could cause a lot of anger but that was a huge things I struggled with in DD's first year. I felt really angry with my H, my job, my house (and let's not even get started on the self-loathing!) and now I know something like Zoloft might have helped.
It's really hard to give up breastfeeding, even if you want to, so go easy on yourself there. I stopped pumping at 4mos cause it was way too stressful during the work day. We stopped breastfeeding only a couple weeks later and though I was really sad at the time for a week or so, it was WAY better for my mental health.
Finally your H has got to do something to help every single day. For me, the biggest game changer was when we moved and DH took over daycare pickups. He does it every day and even when I'm home and could do the pickup, I still make him do it. He has to participate. Yours does too. I know you can't change the dropoff/pickup situation but could you
1. Stop doing his laundry. He can do it when he needs clothes
2. Assign him a nightly task like clear the dinner table while you put baby to bed.
3. Make a list of what goes in the diaper bag. Laminate or put it in a sheet protector. He's responsible for checking the list every night and restocking.
Also, for what it's worth, 9-10mos was a super fun age for my kiddo. 5 mos not so much. It will get better for yours too.
Agree with PP on stopping nursing or at least pumping at work if you can swing it. It's amazing how much work pumping is from the packing of the pumping bag to actually pumping to storing milk.
With regards to the bolded, can you do easier meals that don't require a lot of time to cook? And can you cook more at a time so that you cook every other day and not every day? I only cook twice during the work week and I try and cook meals that require minimal active time, either in the slow cooker or where I have less than 30 minutes of active time after work. If I have to, I prep the night before. My husband and I are both Asian but I cook mostly American food because it's usually a lot easier and there are a lot fewer ingredients than most Asian dishes. We eat Asian when we go out to eat so it balances out. Breakfast is usually a greek yogurt or cereal so no cook time.
My husband also washes dishes and I don't do his laundry which helps a lot. You really need to ask your husband to pitch in more with the household tasks. I also try and let some of the small things go. If possible, also try and have 30 minutes each night for yourself - watch TV, read or do something just for you. It really makes a difference.
Sorry you are feeling this way. Is there another therapist you can be referred to?
I agree with @MusicFillsMyHeart related to finances. IMO, I don't understand why some married couples choose to maintain separate finances - it seems to undermine the "we" and "us" of a relationship. How each person spends their money impacts the household finances anyway, so why not combine them?
Also agree with PP's to quit BFing. I wanted so badly to BF, but had to quit trying after the first week with DS because it was too stressful on top of being a new mom and recovering from an emergency C-section. Something had to give, and that was it.
The first 6-8 months will probably be the hardest, so don't stress yourself out with making a meal every night, or making sure that everything is cleaned and picked up all the time. Delegate some responsibilities to your H (my H does his own laundry and helps clean), get take out or have simple no-prep meals (e.g., sometimes we have cereal and/or PB&J nights), and make sure to get rest or take a break when you need to (stopping BFing will also help with that - you can have "me" time again for more than 2 hours).
If you can afford the formula expense, stopping bf made a world of difference for me.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. You have to see someone about this to get an emotional handle on this as well as perspective.
Some things you are worried about can wait - hot meals, clean dishes, clean house.
From a practical standpoint, you need help from your partner. I agree with everyone who said that. He can work long hours but he can't do dishes or take a night time feeding?
I couldn't do everything you are doing either. Something has to give, but you are covering a lot of expenses with your job, so to me, something else has to give.
The first thing that comes to mind is that your H needs to help you.
Stopping pumping made a huge difference to me. I never did breast feed but I 100% pumped for 7.5 months and it was too long. Honestly there are a lot of times I wish I had never started b/c I had a hard time giving myself permission to stop. Pumping took time away from my kids (including my baby), my job, and my H. It sounds to me like BF can be something that gives as well and it would make a big difference to your emotional well being if you can be kind enough to yourself to allow yourself to let that go.
Get your DH to pitch in more. I get that he is working hard, just in a different way, but what you're doing right now isn't working.
What DH and I do is trade off Saturday 3 hour blocks: from 7:00-10:00am I am out of the house-working out or grabbing a coffee, breakfast with a friend, or doing an early morning errand to beat the rush. Then I come home and DH gets 10:00-1:00 to go out with what he wants/needs to do. It's a bit of a sanity break that I need desperately, and when I do choose to work out, I feel so much better emotionally.
I agree with all the pp, quitting your job is an unlikely solution to your problems. In reality, quitting your job might well add to your list of concerns and the imbalance you currently feel in your life.
I also agree that talking to a doctor about possible PPD/A is a good idea and talking to your husband is a MUST. He MUST pitch in and do his share. Full stop. It's not optional. He's a grown man with a family. His life has changed as well and he will need to adapt his comforts to accommodate.
Best wishes going forward.
Give DH a task list, keep trying to get in with the therapist your doc recommended, give up BF ing and have your H take some overnights - even if just temporarily so you can get more sleep (everything feels worse to me when I'm tired)
In addition could you work with the help you do have to see if they can manage more efficiently? If your housekeeper is coming three times a week, I would think they could manage all the laundry (or at least mine could - actually did back when she came just 1x week) and maybe some of the meal prep? Or maybe your DH is right and instead of that expenditure you could get 1 full time person to do housekeeping & watch the baby? TBH - having a nanny for DD (we did not for DS) has been a godsend just in terms of the "upkeep" - baby laundry, bottles, drop off/pick up. I would absolutely trade multiple day housekeeping for my nanny (and she only cleans up after the kids) and just deal with a less organized house (but I guess I already did that when we went from every week to every other week)
Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
As for your family offering help, take them up on it. It sounds like you have an incredible support system, but your ppd is telling you not to use it because you're burdening them and "should" be able to handle it yourself. Well, you can't. Nobody can get through this without substantial help. And older kids are infinitely easier than a single baby. So even if your mom has 3 older kids at home, that's nothing compared to a baby. What those three kids are is six extra hands to help with the baby.
As far as the full-time nanny, you are paying about $280 per month for substandard help plus whatever you pay for daycare. For $120 per month more than your not very good cleaner you could have a full-time nanny. If you can pay the $4000, do it! Can she share a room with the baby? Can you get someone who doesn't live in? Look at daycare plus housekeeping costs and compare that to the cost of in-home daycare that helps with chores. It's likely going to be close. If it's a little more, factor in your sanity. Heck, it sounds like your family all has full-time help. Ask them to help find someone already in your country.
Another one to say definitely look into help for PPD and you need to give yourself a break. With two kids now, the 5-7 month time was by far the hardest for me. I promise it will start to get better in a few months and it will get a lot better a few months after that. While I understand not wanting to take on a large expense for care, I really would recommend it for at least a few months. It doesn't need to be a forever thing, just some help to allow you some time to breathe.
I stopped pumping at work and nursed morning/evening at 9 months with my first and 7 months with my second. It was the best thing I did. I was naturally losing some supply at that point so I just slowly dropped a pumping session and it wasn't an issue, my supply was fine for morning/evening. Not everyone can though. Good luck, hang in there, it will get better soon.
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
I didn't want medicine and was to proud to admit I needed help.
Deciding, 3 years later, that I couldn't do it alone was such a weight lifted. I wish I had gotten help years ago. I enjoy my life so much more now.
Hugs. PM if you want to talk.
I'm very glad to hear you're getting some more support at home, I think that's a huge part of surviving that first year with your sanity in tact.
I'm also glad that you are getting help for the way you are feeling, don't be ashamed or afraid to speak up and let your support team (DH, your doctors, etc) know what's working and what isn't. Sometimes it's therapy, sometimes meds, often a combination.
Hugs, and hang in there.
PPD is a serious medical condition and it's totally treatable. Seeing a counselor and getting on meds can both work by alone, but are best in conjunction.
You have a lot on your plate, but you also have a lot of folks who care about you and want to support you. Let people help you right now, it won't be long before you're cured and back to helping them.
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks
God Bless You my Little One
Farida, our first child, born on the 19th of July 2014
Farida, at 8 weeks