Still struggling for the right words to tell a close friend.

andbabymakessix · January 2015

I know this has been talked about before (I've read trough every thread even remotely pertaining to this, multiple times!) but I am still just really struggling to find the words to tell a friend that we are expecting our fourth. She and her husband are currently going through fertility treatments with no luck so far. I have an email drafted but I just can't click send. I've never dealt with a loss before and we've never had any issues conceiving (you could say we are 4 for 4 of happy surprises). I talk with her at least weekly about their struggles, and am always careful of what I say. Would some of you mind reading what I have drafted up and telling me "DON'T SAY THAT!" or if it sounds okay and respectful?

{Insert friends names},

We wanted you to know (if you didn't already!) that we love and care about you guys.

So, we have some big news to share. We just recently found out we are expecting another {Our last name} baby! We just had our first appointment with our midwife today and the baby looks wonderful. We want to start sharing the news with friends, but wanted to tell you both first and wanted to tell you in a way that would give you the space and time you might need to react however is natural for you. I know how frustrating it can be hearing this kind of news about other families when you are having a difficult time getting pregnant. Not that you aren't happy deep down, but it is just frustrating and can take some time to process what you are going through first. And that's okay! We didn't want to put you on the spot by telling our small group as a whole like we've done in the past. We will wait for you to come to us to talk about it (and only if you want to!). If it's too hard to talk about right now, that is completely okay and don't feel ashamed of that.

And side note, we still want to have you guys over for an evening hangout soon! Either dinner, or just after dinner desserts/chatting. We are flexible

{Our names}

andbabymakessix · January 2015

And this is why I've posted here. THANK YOU @MeatandBandP‌.

divinemsbee · January 2015

andbabymakessix said:

I know this has been talked about before (I've read trough every thread even remotely pertaining to this, multiple times!) but I am still just really struggling to find the words to tell a friend that we are expecting our fourth. She and her husband are currently going through fertility treatments with no luck so far. I have an email drafted but I just can't click send. I've never dealt with a loss before and we've never had any issues conceiving (you could say we are 4 for 4 of happy surprises). I talk with her at least weekly about their struggles, and am always careful of what I say. Would some of you mind reading what I have drafted up and telling me "DON'T SAY THAT!" or if it sounds okay and respectful? {Insert friends names}, We wanted you to know (if you didn't already!) that we love and care about you guys. So, we have some big news to share. We just recently found out we are expecting another {Our last name} baby! We just had our first appointment with our midwife today and the baby looks wonderful. We want to start sharing the news with friends, but wanted to tell you both first and wanted to tell you in a way that would give you the space and time you might need to react however is natural for you. I know how frustrating it can be hearing this kind of news about other families when you are having a difficult time getting pregnant. Not that you aren't happy deep down, but it is just frustrating and can take some time to process what you are going through first. And that's okay! We didn't want to put you on the spot by telling our small group as a whole like we've done in the past. We will wait for you to come to us to talk about it (and only if you want to!). If it's too hard to talk about right now, that is completely okay and don't feel ashamed of that. And side note, we still want to have you guys over for an evening hangout soon! Either dinner, or just after dinner desserts/chatting. We are flexible {Our names}

None of this. I know your heart is in the very right place, but, and you said this yourself. You don't know. And it kind of comes off like you're telling them how to feel. And a little condescending with the 'that's okay!' part. I think something much much less wordy. I know you're trying to cover all bases, but you just can't.

Something like the first sentence or so 'we're having a baby; had first appointment;wanted to start telling people; wanted to tell you guys' and then a 'I'm still here if/when you want to talk; wishing you the best.' Boom, done.

hsabyan · January 2015

I think your note is very thoughtful. As someone who has experienced a loss (although, not with infertility), I can respect that you want to inform them separately. I've had many people announce their pregnancies publicly or without thought and it does just seem heartless to do so when I'm hurting so much inside. I have really appreciated the friends that have told me in private and gave me the time and space to absorb however I am able. I think you know your friends best as to what will be taken in the best context. That being said:

"I know how frustrating it can be hearing this kind of news about other families when you are having a difficult time getting pregnant. Not that you aren't happy deep down, but it is just frustrating and can take some time to process what you are going through first."

I might avoid this kind of inferring of understanding or knowing their feelings. It can be hard to be on the receiving end of a statement like that because the first thing that pops in my mind is that *you* have no idea how I'm feeling, or how the news of your joy makes me feel. I might not even fully understand the way that your news makes me feel. I don't think that not including it would hurt the letter as a whole.

Again, this is completely just my opinion. You know your friends better than anyone on here. I think your note is sensitive, respectful, and thoughtful as it is, and should be taken with much appreciation by your friends. There is nothing in the letter that would warrant a "DONT SAY THAT!" comment.

Good luck.

gidgetgirl08 · January 2015

I've been in a similar position as you OP and I have to agree with pp. In this case I think less is definitely more. take what @MeatandBandP said and make it your own. GL

hsabyan · January 2015

It took me a long while to write out my response, but I was so pleasantly surprised when I posted and had a chance to read everyone else's... that everyone seems to be on the same page. I wish ya'll had been a part of the twenty pregnancy announcements that have been thrown at me over the last eight months.

andbabymakessix · January 2015

Note taken on it sounding like I know exactly what she's going through (because you are right, I don't!) That part is out.

laurasuzanne2006 · January 2015

I'm not a mom who has had fertility trouble but I would also leave out your appointment and how the baby looks. If you are telling them they assume it's probably fine. I could see that coming off as a bit of a slap in the face. I also agree with the things most others have said.

andbabymakessix · January 2015

KirianaTi said:
Not to beat a dead horse, but one thing they always teach us in management seminars is no matter what you think, you cannot read people's minds. I agree with the advice given above. I would NEVER assume you know what someone is going to think. You may have an inkling, but it is really unfair to state what they must be going through.

As a IF graduate, if I was on the receiving end of this, I would NOT want to hear it in an email. I would be severely offended. But that has been debated to death on TB.

Also as an IF graduate, I don't know if I'd lead off with the pregnancy. If I HAD to read it in an email, I'd prefer it not be the "star" of the email but maybe have a little buffer.

Finally, the tone of the email rubbed me as smug. This could be because there is no tone in email (another reason I do not recommend it) but it sounds a little "woo hoo for us boo hoo for you" IMHO.

Again, good luck with what you decide, but it needs a revision.

I already commented that I completely took out the part that had anything to do with me "knowing how it must feel her." After reading it back, I agree with everyone that it was not the right thing to say. Also, the point of the email IS telling them we are pregnant. I don't think I've ever emailed her (besides normal small group information/events) so it would feel like I was beating around the bush. And that is completely not the tone of the email. We have a lighthearted/lots of jokes/very loving caring relationship and my revision feels very NOT that. So I'm still trying to make it personal while still being short and to the point. The point of this thread was to get advice and perspective, so I appreciate your input @KirianaTi‌!

Lovetangle · January 2015

I was struggling with IF for years and a few friends told me. The least hurtful way was always in person. An email/text/letter is never the way to go when you're sharing sensitive news. Then you can alter your words per her reaction.

Waitingforaugust15 · January 2015

Shorter is better. I agree with leaving out the appointment information and the "I know" part. Speaking from past IF pain, I personally would prefer an email unless I was very close to the person.

pansylane · January 2015

I agree with others and I might also remove some of the exclamation points. It makes the note come off as a little too "hip hip hooray" than I think you're trying to achieve. Even the "we are expecting another baby!" may not go over well. I've never been in her shoes but those are my thoughts.

shelbeans82 · January 2015

I have had pregnancy announcements in person and via email and felt the in person announcement was horrible and I was forced to act happy when I was crying inside and felt it was very insensitive of someone who knew what we were going through.
I agree with the text from @MeatandBandP

Thank you for thinking about how your friend will respond and trying to tell her in the most sensitive way possible

Lois172000 · January 2015

Great post. Still struggling with how to tell my friend who has twins but has been despretly trying for more with help that whoops, not only are we having a baby. We're having twins

She has no clue we were trying and has been very busy with life so... distant despite me trying. I'm terrified this will be the nail in the coffin. I thought about email but thought a short telephone call would be better. It's not going to be fun. Approaching the time to start sharing and I don't want her to find out on FB or some other way.
Good luck with your share.

GirlOnTheBeach · January 2015

"Hey (friend's name),

We found out that we are expecting again and just wanted to let you know before we start telling others in our group of friends.

We love you very much (as I'm sure you know!) and want you to know we are still here for you any time you want to talk (or just hang out and have fun).

(Sign your names)"

This is how I would have wanted to be told. Simple and as short as possible without a lot of details. IF is so hard and I always preferred that bandaid approach, just rip it off quick and be done with it. Preferably not in public.

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