Hi, I've never posted on this board, as I'm just starting to TTC, but I have a question. I searched the boards several times and didn't find anything, although if it's been asked before, please link me to the thread.
I'm interested in doing attachment parenting with our future children, but FI doesn't seem to think that a child can learn to follow rules/directions or to respect us if we don't discipline more strongly. He was spanked growing up and sees that as the reason that he respected his parents. I was slapped, grabbed (hard enough to bruise) and emotionally abused throughout my childhood and I want to steer VERY clear of those things happening to my own kids. I trust FI to not abuse our children, but I would like to sway his opinion more toward attachment and away from punishments. Has anyone else had to convince their partner to follow gentler guidelines? Are there any books I should read on this topic? Any advice at all?
Me: 24 FI: 29
Together since: February 2012
Getting Married: February 2015
Starting to TTC: December 2014!
Re: FI Not Interested in Attachment Parenting
- we should model the behavior we expect from our children: we can't teach them not to hit and yet hit them
- we want to teach our children what is right and to do what is right because that is good and best, not because they fear the consequence of doing wrong (why continue to do what's eight once the consequence isn't there, i.e. adulthood?)
- we don't want to teach our children that inflicting pain upon another person to coerce them into doing what we want is ever ok
- hitting your spouse is considered abuse, hitting a neighbor is considered assault...why is hitting a child any different??
Hopefully others will have some good book recs! This one is a great one for new fathers:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0912500964/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1410654592&sr=8-1
He agrees with many concepts of AP, like Bfing as long as I/baby want, baby wearing, etc. He just won't seem to give up the option of spanking.
Not negotiable for me, I wouldn't be TTC we worked this out.
Like others, I agree with holding off progress until you've come to an agreement on things. While we all have the right to change and grow as life progresses, at least starting on the same page sets everyone up for success. Parenting from two different styles lead to many, many occurrences that are are "love busters". For example, dad sees mom as a pushover and loses respect for her decision-making abilities; mom sees dad as unkind and she feels defensive about the kids, thus building up a wall that impacts emotional and physical intimacy.
As for books, Attached at the Heart is a great book that covers the ideas of AP, the (modern) history of punitive parenting, and lots of evidence-based information on why AP is an optimal path. There also are Attached at the Heart classes you can take in a few parts of the country, but it isn't widespread yet.
More Green For Less Green
I agree with this. I have a 2 1/2 yo, and part of normal development is testing boundaries. I would never be comfortable with spanking a child, even as a "last resort", who is only acting the way a child should. There is absolutely nothing my daughters could do, at 9 and 2 1/2, that would ever justify physically attacking them-and that is exactly what spanking is.
I'm sorry, but your FI needs counseling. And there's no way I would marry or have children with someone who feels that beating a child is acceptable.
Spanking=intentionally hitting a child with the intention to cause pain
How is that not beating a child? Because you're using an open hand instead of a closed one? To me, that is a semantic distinction that can't obscure the fact that you are deliberately choosing to strike your child and cause pain.
It actually worked REALLY quickly this week - she decided blowing raspberries in my face while I was holding her was INCREDIBLY fun. So, every time she did it, I said in a firm-but-nice voice, "no no, if you spit, I put you down." and put her down. Yesterday, she stuck her tongue out, then paused and said, "no no pit." I know it sounds ridiculous, but it was a HUGE victory, and I gave her a high-five, which made her super-happy. Toddlers, man.
FWIW, I am anti-spanking...but this would not convince me to change my mind if I weren't.
GSx1 - 05/13/2013
GSx2 for T&B - EDD 6/21/2015 - They're having a GIRL!
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old