Spanking

edoliesmom · January 2015

Are you for it or against it?

Were you spanked as a kid? Does this affect your choice/opinion now?

My husband and I were both spanked as kids, and I struggle with whether or not I'm going to do the same later on. My husband seems to be okay with it as a last resort kind of thing, but I just don't know. I only remember one particular spanking (because my sister tried to jump away from hers [we both got spanked for the same thing; don't remember for what], and I just took mine). I don't feel that I was traumatized in any kind of way or have any negative effects from spankings, but a lot of you ladies make some really convicting arguments against it that tugs at my heart.

Teresa1896 · January 2015

I was spanked as a child and will not be spanking our kids. It didn't deter me from doing whatever I was doing; it just made me fearful of whichever parent was doing the spanking (usually my dad).

hordol · January 2015

Both DH and I were spanked as children but we will not be spanking ours. Our decision not to spank has nothing to do with the fact that we were spanked ourselves--neither of us think it caused any sorts of issues with us. BUT times were different when we were kids....although many people didn't spank back then it was generally thought of as more acceptable than it is now. Studies have proven that it's not an effectivve form of discipline. Everyone I know who spanks does it solely because "we were spanked when we were kids and we're just fine!" Not because they have done convincing research that has proven spanking to be a good method of discipline. They are just raising their kids the way they were raised because they think that was the best. All this to say I don't really care if other people spank as long as it's not done out of anger. I can't imagine striking my child but people do it and I don't think everyone who spanks it a sociopath or anything, lol.

zoopsiedaisy · January 2015

Against it 100%. I really struggle with the "logic" that hitting someone will teach then anything. You hit your brother? I'm going to hit you to teach you not to hit people. Ok. Makes sense.

I also can't wrap my mind around the feeling a child must get when one of the people they love and trust the most chooses to inflict pain on them I'm the name of discipline. I love you but this is for your own good does not send messages I want my daughter to learn. I counsel children and to hear the ones that are frequently spanked say they love their dad or mom but are scared of them made me realize how wrong it is. And these are not abuse cases. Its "by the book", no marks, on the bottom.

My other problem with it is the potential for the adult to lose control. It happens way to often. So sad.

I was spanked once for locking my parents out of the house. It always creeped me out to hear them say, it only took one spanking for her to learn how to behave. After that we just had to give her a look. I remember that day. It started out as a joke and then when I saw how mad they were I got scared and did not want to unlock the door. I wasn't being an asshole. And I got spanked for it. It definitely impacted my views as an adult.

Bluebird2318 · January 2015

I think I was possibly spanked a couple of times, but it wasn't a primary source of punishment. I do not plan on spanking as punishment, but I'm not sure if how I was parented has anything to do with it.

It just doesn't make any sense to me. Children learn by watching what we do, and hitting is not an acceptable form of communication in any other relationship, so why should it be okay in the parent-child relationship? If you don't think your child can understand more complex punishment, rational discussion, and the concept of right and wrong, then how do you expect them to understand why you're spanking them when hitting is not okay? I don't believe a child can learn anything of value from spanking.

Plus, I think a lot of people end up doing it because it's cathartic for them which is problematic in itself.

zoopsiedaisy · January 2015

Jessieann1020 said:
I was spanked and I don't have any issues with the fact that I was. I don't plan to do it because I think there are better ways to teach and discipline. One thing I really hate is when people save spankings for "when daddy gets home". Daddy coming home from work should be exciting and fun and never scary.

I used to get spanked in high school. I am in the South and spanking is still somewhat common in schools here or at least it was 9 years ago when I was in high school. Anyways if you were late 3 times you had the choice between 3 early morning detentions or 3 "licks". I always chose licks because I didn't want to get up early for detention. The principal had this big wooden paddle and we had to sort of bend over and put our hands on his desk. How inappropriate is that! I was a 16 year old girl!!

I just learned that this is allowed in schools in mississippi still. It blew my mind!! I would not consent to have someone else spank my child even if I believed in spanking.

cnbean · January 2015

I was spanked and I don't feel like I have any issues because of it. I never felt afraid of my parents (unless I was doing something I knew was wrong) and I have a wonderful relationship with my mom and dad. We don't spank our kids, I'm not against it but there are way better methods.

Dixon813 · January 2015

I also don't like the "wait until your father/mother gets home" for any punishment/consequence because then it automatically makes that parent the "bad guy". Should clarify, there have been times I've had to tell my stepson his consequence will be determined after his dad comes home and we discuss. That's different.

I was spanked a few times as a child. This has made me think that I don't know if my two younger brothers were spanked at all - I'm almost certain my youngest (who's 12 years younger than me) hasn't. My two older brothers have.

I don't really have any feelings on getting spanked but it's not a form of punishment I intend to use.

nicole mackenzie · January 2015

Our moms both used wooden spoons on us.

My dad just screamed and made me feel like shit.

If I cried I was told to stop or they'd give me something to cry about. This is probably where some of my adult issues come from. My feelings were not valid...

We will not spank., but i think the yelling and being told to toughen up hurt me more than the wooden spoon ever did.

Twirple · January 2015

My H was spanked as a child. I only got spanked once, and I don't remember it. DH spanked our DS once this summer when they were on a camping trip together. He didn't spank him hard, and it was only one pop, but he felt so horrible about it after that he confessed to me and said he wouldn't do it again. DS never mentioned it to me, so I don't know if he remembers. He came back from the trip telling me how much fun he had and was closer to DH, so I'm don't think he was scarred for life.

Rrrrrachel · January 2015

The research is pretty clear it's not effective at best and does more harm than good at worst. So no. Not gonna do it.

Dahlia414 · January 2015

I was spanked so much that it was borderline abuse. I had hairbrushes and wooden spoons broken on me. I was also yelled at constantly. I actually turned out pretty well despite all that.
I don't think it will screw up a kid forever to be spanked, BUT we do not spank. Partly because of how I was raised and partly because of this:
No form of discipline cures a child's sinful nature. Discipline and guidance will morph and change as they grow up, but it will be constant until they grow up and move out. If I spank my kid for throwing toys, he won't stop forever. If he goes in time out, he won't stop forever. I just have to do the best i can to constantly guide him and teach him how to behave. I think spanking is almost always used to satisfy the parents' anger and frustration.

Rrrrrachel · January 2015

Idk if that's always true but I know it would be true for me. I will cop to having a temper and wanting to hit my kid sometimes (my preschooler not the baby). That's not a door I want to open.

katy4128 · January 2015

100% against spanking. I was spanked by my dad and it really hurt our relationship. I was afraid of him most of my childhood which is not very healthy. Also, it makes no sense to me to hit children when we teach them that hitting or hurting others is a poor choice. How confusing is that for children!

UnofficiallyLO · January 2015

My Mom swatted my leg once as a toddler because I wouldn't sit in my car seat and spanked me once because I drew all over the carpet and chair and said it wasn't me (only child). I don't remember either and she regretted both. SO was never spanked, his parents were young and easy going- we will not spank.

Dahlia414 · January 2015

Rrrrrachel said:
Idk if that's always true but I know it would be true for me. I will cop to having a temper and wanting to hit my kid sometimes (my preschooler not the baby). That's not a door I want to open.

I'm sure it depends on the person. My mom always spanked me out of anger. H and I have tried spanking before when DS1 was going through a hard phase. It was very thought out and not done in anger. We decided it didn't work at all. It just made him more upset and just accomplishes nothing. Good to know I guess.

deidremaria · January 2015

nicole mackenzie said:
Our moms both used wooden spoons on us.

My dad just screamed and made me feel like shit.

If I cried I was told to stop or they'd give me something to cry about. This is probably where some of my adult issues come from. My feelings were not valid...

We will not spank., but i think the yelling and being told to toughen up hurt me more than the wooden spoon ever did.

Love tit in solidarity. I've been spanked but the way my mother spoke to me had WAY more of an effect on me than being spanked. She would use a belt. I wasn't spanked often but when I was she was angry and she'd say the same "I'll give you something to cy about" bullshit. My mom yelled a lot and said a lot of hurtful things to my sisters and I. I won't say we were physically abused but verbally, oh yeah. My mom doesn't feel like children are equal to adults ("children must know their place") and hearing that all my life has impacted my current relationship in so many ways.

ETA: all tht to say no, we will not be spanking. My BF was physically abused by his mother and I was verbally abused so we are fully aware of all the more effective ways of disciplining children.

Merlyna04 · January 2015

I was sparked but not that "bad" or in abusive way .
I don't do it to my children .
But I work with people and sometimes I said how these people educate and discipline these, kids spitting to their parents, kicking, one time I kid throw my songs glasses in the garbage.

Roufi · January 2015

I was spanked maybe three times in my life - once that I vaguely remember. I don't resent my parents for it.

However, I have hit my younger siblings as a kid and still deeply regret and feel ashamed of hitting them in anger. And while pre-baby I believed that while spanking shouldn't be a goto punishment but there is a time and a place for it, I now can't imagine ever hitting my child.

WTF with bare assed spanking, belts or public spanking/spanking at school. That shit is twisted and abusive.

I'm so sorry for what some of you ladies and your SOs have been through, I can't imagine putting a child through that sort of fear and pain.

Mustardseed2007 · January 2015

I was spanked and so was my h and no we won't be spanking. I was spanked with a wooden spoon, a yard stick, a brush, a belt and other similar things. My parents were not bad people overall, but they often did it out of anger and it really did hurt me physically and emotionally.

While I don't feel like people who do spank are monsters or anything, I think that there are so many more effective and less hurtful routes you can take with a child that if I found myself spanking my kid I would feel like I had failed in that moment.

BuggasMom · January 2015

No we don't and won't be spanking. I have mastered the "look" and the scary mom whisper talk in the ear for public situations . Way more effective than a spank :>

Keckers · January 2015

AprilMay9 said:
I think I was spanked kind of a lot as a kid but I only remember a couple occasions. I was a very difficult strong willed child and had an attitude and was always questioning authority and was often disrespectful. But hey, I turned out fine! H was spanked on occasion as well. We planned to spank before having a baby if necessary. Now that dd is here I can not ever imagine spanking her and h agrees. It sends the wrong message.

This. Since having LO my heart has changed on the matter, but I haven't had the discussion with DH.

Talltrees82 · January 2015

No to spanking. I was spanked as a child, I only remember my mom doing it. My siblings and I were threatened with the belt but were never hit with it.

The yelling is what still bothers me, not that it was abusive but that I got yelled at for things that were accidents. Spilling juice, losing the vegetable peeler. I learned to lie to avoid conflict and I still am not as honest and open as I could be with my mom.

BuggasMom · January 2015

mamrotu73 said:

BuggasMom said:
No we don't and won't be spanking. I have mastered the "look" and the scary mom whisper talk in the ear for public situations . Way more effective than a spank :>
I mastered the look and whisper in college. I also made one smack cry when I told her she'd disappointed me and then ignored her for the remainder of lunch (because she hadn't read and reported back on 3 news articles...Ha!)

Yeah. I had an odd college experience.

Haha! Your kids don't have a chance making full grown women cry .. Ruthless.

edoliesmom · January 2015

Kegels?

Shelbysteffens · January 2015

I was spanked and it literally did not stop me from doing whatever I was doing, it made me want to get back at my parents more than anything, the older I got the smarter my mouth was. The last time my dad spanked me there was a hand print on my ass for like 6 hours and it hurt, but I smiled at him and dared him to do it again.

I don't believe in hitting people, I wouldn't hit my husband as a "last resort" so why the hell would I hit my child? Especially when there are studies on top of studies that show its not anywhere close to the best method to help a child learn not to do something, it's lashing out in anger instead of being rational.

zazu13 · January 2015

Definitely no to spanking, although both DH and I were occasionally spanked growing up and suffered no ill-effects. I agree with above posters that words were far more effective at making me remorseful for my behavior.

SoulTermination · January 2015

Wow, I'm apparently in the minority here. I don't want to spank my daughter, but if that's what I have to do to get her attention and have her stop doing things that are very dangerous, then so be it. I'd rather she not run out into the street because she's afraid I'll take a hand to her ass, instead of potentially getting hit by a car because I tried to explain that having that happen would be the most painful thing she experienced and not have her understand that because, not having been through something extremely painful, she has no true frame of reference.

I was spanked by both parents, and I grew up terrified of my father only because he used to beat the living hell out of my mom. I only remember one spanking happening from each of them, and even those are just barely there. I remember the shouting and being made to feel like I didn't deserve to live a lot more than physical pain. I'm STILL dealing with the aftereffects of that.

nicole mackenzie · January 2015

deidremaria said:

nicole mackenzie said:
Our moms both used wooden spoons on us.

My dad just screamed and made me feel like shit.

If I cried I was told to stop or they'd give me something to cry about. This is probably where some of my adult issues come from. My feelings were not valid...

We will not spank., but i think the yelling and being told to toughen up hurt me more than the wooden spoon ever did.
Love tit in solidarity. I've been spanked but the way my mother spoke to me had WAY more of an effect on me than being spanked. She would use a belt. I wasn't spanked often but when I was she was angry and she'd say the same "I'll give you something to cy about" bullshit. My mom yelled a lot and said a lot of hurtful things to my sisters and I. I won't say we were physically abused but verbally, oh yeah. My mom doesn't feel like children are equal to adults ("children must know their place") and hearing that all my life has impacted my current relationship in so many ways.

ETA: all tht to say no, we will not be spanking. My BF was physically abused by his mother and I was verbally abused so we are fully aware of all the more effective ways of disciplining children.

It's been hard overcoming the feelings of worthlessness.

Kids were viewed as lesser and we were not allowed an opinion, then bam you're 18 your on your own! I still seek approval for a lot of decisions I need to make. It's a constant mental battle.

Getting better slowly! And my parents have slowly changed which is nice.

Sorry you went through what you did

Rrrrrachel · January 2015

"I will spank as a last resort for dangerous behavior" doesn't make sense because all the research shows spanking doesn't work. Period. It doesn't work. It's not like it's this super effective discipline technique we just find distasteful it DOESNT WORK. And possibly does more harm than good.

Plus what are you going to do when your kid is too old to be spanked and exhibits dangerous behavior? Or are you planning on spanking through high school?

ashcole28 · January 2015

I was spanked by dad when I was little.I ddon't feel it did any damage. I'm not against it and if it worked as a method for more serious things my children will do/have done then I would use it myself. In my experience it doesn't work. When DS was about 15 months I used to swat his hand well then he started hitting and he still does.

ambarnett1 · January 2015

As some of you have stated, I have no ill effects from spanking, but I do suffer from the verbal abuse brought on by my mother and father. I was spanked and so was DH, but we will not spank our children. I can already tell DS1 is very strong willed, so I know spanking will not be effective.

olenkapdx · January 2015

I was spanked once, but I did do something pretty dang bad.

SO got whipped with a leather front door ornament that said "The FamilyLastName's" when he was a kid. Ugh.

Hell no on spanking our LO.

BeckyF82 · January 2015

I was never regularly spanked but I do remember with clarity two occasions when I was spanked and one when my mum hit me in the face and what I remember most is not what I did that was so wrong but the very real sense of fear and dread. I rember sobbing myself to sleep and wishing so hard that she wasn't my mother. I just don't think I would ever want my child to feel that way about me and still remember it with such clarity twenty years later.

For me though, the emotional and verbal abuse that me and my sister suffered from my mum was much worse and that really damaged us into adulthood.

As a teacher I've always found that kids respond much better to adults who talk through a behaviour probl with them and / or set other punishments rather than those teachers who lose their temper and shout and act aggressively. In my opinion physical discipline probably just encourages kids to think that physical violence is acceptable.

porterlove525 · January 2015

My parents are definitely not the spanking types, but I was terrified of "the look" and disappointing my parents. They were also pros at getting the point across without violence, even with 4 unruly, wild, argumentative, questioning, daughters. For instance, I had a fascination with the fan as a child, to stop me from trying to put my fingers in it, after multiple attempts at diversion, my father had me watch as he put my favorite windmill in it and then as it broke into several pieces informed me that the same thing would happen to my hand if I put it near the fan. I never went near the fan again. Same went for our busy street, my ball was flattened by an oncoming car. I never even though to cross without my parents. DH on the other hand was flat out beaten by his parents his entire life.

We will not be spanking our child, we will be redirecting and using similar approaches we did to training our dog to listen to commands with praise, encouragement and excitement. And always watching our children. It's far more effective. We feel lessons can be learned/taught in so many other ways than spanking. I truly believe spanking and yelling just encourage anger and resentment instead of fostering life lessons. I also would let my parents take my son for months on end. My IL's are deceased so there's no fear of abuse from any family member minding our son.

Shelbysteffens · January 2015

My father will never watch my son because of the behavior shown when j was growing up.

csmily51 · January 2015

We were never spanked per say. DH and his brother were "whiped" as they call it. And they don't have any adverse effects or issues with their parents. I was spanked once because I kept kicking my dad while he was trying to put my shoes on, I was two, he smacked my feet, never had a problem again. I'm ok with the smack of the hand or feet in a similar situation, but there will be no beating/whipping or spanking because she's in trouble. And I'm convinced DH was still a terror so it never deterred him!

zoopsiedaisy · January 2015

Vinny424 said:
I always found the most effective thing my mother did was just say that she was "disappointed". Was like a knife through my heart!

This is all it took when I was an older child. I can still hear her say it!!

chichi589 · January 2015

I was spanked when I was younger by my dad. But he scared me less then my mom did with her grab arm to redirect, whisper in my
Ear, and her mom stare. I will not be spanking my children and I'm not worried about my parents spanking either now that they know the boundaries. I have caught myself grabbing DSDs arm a few times to redirect her from what she was doing after I asked her to stop and have made the effort to stop myself. I don't wanna be my mother.

edoliesmom · January 2015

@poru I've seen my dad spank my niece, and I know he's spanked my nephew before too. He's still pretty similar in his disciplining as he was when we were kids. If we decide not to spank, I'll tell him that we don't do that and ask him to respect that. I would think he would, and I'd trust him to watch Edolie. I wouldn't let my mom watch her for entirely different reasons.

I was scared of being spanked which did deter me from disobedience (I think this may have been just because of the type of child I was. Spankings made me remorseful, but they made my sister defiant and resentful.), but I wasn't necessarily scared of my dad. I respected him. He did have anger issues though (he was physically abusive toward my brother), and as I got older, he would frog my leg or my head or something, and if I made a mistake (not intentionally doing something wrong/bad), he would call me stuff like dumba**, sh*t for brains, all those fun words. As a result, I'm extremely hard on myself when I make a mistake, but I don't think the spankings I received at a younger age have any affects on me now as an adult like the verbal/emotional abuse does.

Tferr02 · January 2015

DH family will never watch our kids. They are always posting about how lack of spankings is what's wrong in today's world, they spank each other children, any one can discipline a child. Actually DH mom is the main disciplinarian for both of DH sisters kids.

My parents spanked but I don't ever remember being spanked. I might have gotten it like 3 times. I just knew the threat f spankings.

Any suggestions on books on discipline? DH grew up in the deep south and obviously his family is spank happy. He doesnt want to spank but we are struggling to find good methods for our very strong willed toddler. Christian based books are a plus.

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