Spanking

edoliesmom

That's tough @poru. I don't know that I'd trust them either if they haven't really changed over the years, and then there's those difficult cultural barriers that are hard to break through sometimes.

Dahlia414

I have mixed feelings about my parents babysitting. I don't *think* they would spank. But I don't like them babysitting because my mom is an authoritative bitch with them. She holds my 2 yr old to the level of a 9 yr old. In front of me. Obviously this is how I was raised. We don't ask them to babysit anymore because we come back to crying children. I have heard her say "OBEY ME in my house!" ok crazy, he doesnt know what that means. It sucks to not have a babysitter for going out. Also I'm sure the kids will grow up to not like her.

Emyawl

We were spanked and got hit with my dad's belt growing up. I do think it was damaging. Nowadays, my son (who is 6) and my dad actually have the most incredible relationship. My dad has turned into this person with infinite patience and there's no doubt in my mind that he would never lay a hand on my kids. My brothers and I watch him and wonder where this man was when we were growing up! I'm pretty sure their relationship has been the most healing thing that has ever happened for me and my dad.

Tferr02

LalaMama81 said:

I also like the positive parenting series & there's a grace based discipline one, too.

You have to be careful with some of the christian ones - some are horrible. Steer clear of ted tripp, ezzo & the pearls.

Yeah I know, we were given the Pearls book while pregnant and we read it together and was like nope no way! I keep looking at buying books to read together again on parenting but then I worry it will be like that one so I dont.

deidremaria

ashleypixiex2 said:

I have to laugh at how many times the running in front of a car analogy gets brought up in a conversation about spanking. It's almost as if a bunch of pro-spanking people read this somewhere and decided to use it as the general frame of reference when defending spanking. Which shows a lack of thought in the matter.

When I was seven I ran across the street even though my mom said not to while there was a van driving pass from each direction (and I knew better regardless). As mentioned earlier, I didn't get spanked often. Me running across the street earned me the biggest ass whooping of life. I didn't learn that I'll die if I run across the street when vehicles are coming. I learned that if I run across the street I'll get my ass beat. Did I mention that we're not spanking?

deidremaria

My mother is respectful of boundaries with her grand children so she can watch dylan. She won't watch him for extended periods until he can talk though. Mainly because I want him to be able to repeat things shed potentially say to hurt his feelings. I don't see that happening though. She's changed.

Rrrrrachel

I like 123 magic.

Mustardseed2007

poru said:

Taking this conversation in an entirely different direction... For those of you with parents who spanked you or worse (more than an occasional swat)... Would you let your parents babysit your children when they are older?

This is such a good question.

I have an older sister who has children that are in their 20s and a younger sister who has a 15 year old daughter.

Even though my parents lost control with us, they have never lost control with their grandkids.

 Apparently my dad even complained to my mom that DH uses the word "No" far too often with my DS and was saying he had read that you should tell kids what you wanted them to do instead of saying no.

Like who the fuck are you and what did you do with my dad?

deidremaria

Yea I'm about that self defense life too. As long as Dylan isn't victimizing his peers I don't expect him to let them victimize him. Like Oops said, I'll deal with the consequences. That's one thing I'll give my mom, she NEVER let anyone victimize us. She was always there to defend us

smushi

By the time they got to me, I think my parents' arms were tired.  They strictly shamed me (maybe only one or two actually spankings).  Can't say I'm a better person for the shamings but they sure stuck around in my psyche.....

Dahlia414

My mom always told me that if people were messing with me that I should hit them as hard as I can and she would take responsibility. But if I had done that I would have been suspended. So I wouldn't want my kids hitting back. Hard to say now while they are little. When a kid doesn't want to play with my kid, I get sad and furious so I'm sure I will be a basket case if they get bulled.

smushi

I'll never forget the day that a mom came to pick up a 14 year old girl from my school who had been suspended for getting into a severe fist fight with another girl.

She threw open the car door, grabbed the girl by her jacket, pulled her into the car, and slapped her and proceeded to scream at her.

Yeah...

smushi

celticlullaby said:

I don't think I'd ever tell my kid to hit back. I really don't think they'll be in situations that are all that Lord of the Flies, you know? I hope I can always find a better solution.

I've lived through one situation where the child reacting violently was the absolute only way to wake the bully up.

I like to call this moment in my life "the slap heard round the world".  I still smile when I think about it

SoulTermination

deidremaria said:

ashleypixiex2 said:

I have to laugh at how many times the running in front of a car analogy gets brought up in a conversation about spanking. It's almost as if a bunch of pro-spanking people read this somewhere and decided to use it as the general frame of reference when defending spanking. Which shows a lack of thought in the matter.

When I was seven I ran across the street even though my mom said not to while there was a van driving pass from each direction (and I knew better regardless). As mentioned earlier, I didn't get spanked often. Me running across the street earned me the biggest ass whooping of life. I didn't learn that I'll die if I run across the street when vehicles are coming. I learned that if I run across the street I'll get my ass beat. Did I mention that we're not spanking?

This is why I'd spank. How many little kids truly understand death? Not just "If you get hit by a car you go away and never ever come back.", but "If you get hit by a car it'll really fucking hurt unless you're extremely lucky, it'll be piss-yourself-scary, and then you could be gone. Just gone. And everyone you love will be sad."

I'd think a kid would be more capable of understanding "running across the street = spanking = I don't want!" than "running across the street = some nebulous amount of pain and suffering that I have no way to imagine the true levels of because it hasn't happened before".

Ever see videos of people whose kids ask things like "Where do babies come from?" and the parent asks back "Where do you think they come from?" and the kid has this long, fantastical, convoluted idea that's nothing like reality? Yeah.

SoulTermination

Vinny424 said:

ashleypixiex2 said:

Now to a related question, if your older kid was getting bullied at school and the kid was being physically dangerous, would you want your kid to fight back to defend himself? It's a tough one for me. It happened in 5th grade and it actually angered me, a kid pushing mine to the ground! You don't think you could hate a kid until yours gets bullied, and the school only helps so much. A throat punch helps more. But it's not a good message to the kid. Fighting is one thing, is self defense another?

Never throw the first punch but always throw the last.

Exactly. My kid starts the fight, she'll be in a world of trouble, but I'll never be mad at her for defending herself or someone else.

smushi

@soultermination  I'm in the boat that when they're little and don't understand, pain delivered by a parent can be safer than pain delivered by the other potential consequence (touching a hot stove, jumping off a high spot, etc).  And it's more readily remembered and understood than words, time outs or other.  

SoulTermination

@smushi‌ Thank you! Now, when they start being able to reason better, or have seen what happens with the death of a pet or family member or something, I'd try explaining it more. But in some situations there's just not time for explaining. You have to be reasonably confident that your child will obey you NOW, or risk something awful happening.

People here are making it seem like I'm planning to spank for every little thing. I'm not. Just for dangerous situations where instant compliance is required or something far worse than a spanking could occur.

Rrrrrachel

And also you could, you know, supervise your kid around roads.

It doesn't work.

SoulTermination

Guess we'll have to agree to disagree then.

I know there are better ways. I plan on using them. If they repeatedly don't work, then I'll resort to spanking if I have to. Just like adults, kids all learn differently. I may be able to use gentler ways, or I may try that until the sun goes cold and get nowhere. We'll see.

No, my 18-month-old won't be outside or near the street by themselves. I'm not a complete moron (though you guys may be privately thinking otherwise, heh).