Custody

melissah814 · January 2015

Ugh. I never ever thought I would have to use that word! For those of you that didn't read my other post, I caught my boyfriend, (now ex) dealing/doing drugs behind my back. I have stopped ALL contact with him & I have no intentions on seeing him anytime soon either. He is not welcome in the delivery room & the baby will have my last name. Do I put the dad's name on the birth certificate? I just have no idea how I could handle him taking my newborn for the night or a few days or whatever... Obviously, I can't trust him now so how can I trust him with my baby?! I also plan on breastfeeding & I don't want to pump. Any advice? Have you been in a similar situation?

longshotlove · January 2015

No experience or advice, but just wanted to send huge hugs your way for doing what you needed to do to make yourself and baby safe. Stay strong mama! T&P your way.

jk3610 · January 2015

Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!

emarsh0415 · January 2015

No experience, so I unfortunately have no advice, but just wanted to say that I'm so glad you took the step to keep you and baby safe! I know that is couldn't have been easy.

melissah814 · January 2015

longshotlove said:
No experience or advice, but just wanted to send huge hugs your way for doing what you needed to do to make yourself and baby safe. Stay strong mama! T&P your way.

Thank you. I've been so stressed lately & I know baby has too. He hasn't been moving as much. However, when he does move, it lets me know that everything's going to be okay.

amanduhtm · January 2015

No advice but I am in the same boat I have no clue what to do about the birth certificate or anything like that. My question on this (and I'm sorry of it's dumb) if he's not listed on the birth certificate can he still take me to court for custody or partial custody if he wants it? I don't want my son put in any bad situations it's all really confusing. I hope you get some answers and I think it AWESOME that you got out of that situation and are standing strong for you and your LO!

Edited for spelling ! Sorry!

melissah814 · January 2015

jk3610 said:
Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!

Breastfeeding means the baby will have to be with me most of the time if I'm his food source.

specialsn0wflake · January 2015

Sorry you're going through this and I applaud your getting away from that situation. However, what you decide to do is up to you. No one else, accept a lawyer, should help you decide what's right for your family.

You may be mad and him, but you didn't make the baby alone and its unreasonable to expect he won't have any role in your childs life. He should contribute at least financially. I urge you to discuss your options with a lawyer who specializes in family law.

Best of luck.

jk3610 · January 2015

melissah814 said:

jk3610 said:
Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!
Breastfeeding means the baby will have to be with me most of the time if I'm his food source.

Okay just wasn't seeing the relevance to your original problem. Sorry!

jackieanddan1989 · January 2015

jk3610 said:

Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!

I think she means because if her ex takes the baby for a weekend, she wont be able to exclusively BF like she wants to. OP Im sorry youre going through this. You did the right thing for you wnd your baby getting out of a toxic environment. Ill be thinking of you

fish94 · January 2015

Good on you for being able to do what's right for you and your baby. I have no advice but just wanted to say good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

melissah814 · January 2015

specialsn0wflake said:
Sorry you're going through this and I applaud your getting away from that situation. However, what you decide to do is up to you. No one else, accept a lawyer, should help you decide what's right for your family.

You may be mad and him, but you didn't make the baby alone and its unreasonable to expect he won't have any role in your childs life. He should contribute at least financially. I urge you to discuss your options with a lawyer who specializes in family law.

Best of luck.

Of course I want him to be involved in my son's life, but I don't want to put my baby in danger...

specialsn0wflake · January 2015

melissah814 said:

Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!
Breastfeeding means the baby will have to be with me most of the time if I'm his food source.

A judge will tell you to pump. Breastfeeding wont automatically give you full custody if it comes down to that. While breastfeeding is encouraged, a judge will consider a child having both parents in a childs life to be more beneficial to their life long development and emotional well being. I've been through a long and nasty custody battle before so I have some experience with this.

jackieanddan1989 · January 2015

Oops sorry didnt mean to repeat OPs response to your question, guess we were typing at the same time

lexyraejay · January 2015

You'll definitely need to check with your local authorities about omitting the father's name on the birth certificate because I don't think that would be enough to keep the father away legally. Maybe start with Child Protection Services considering the situation? Best of luck with doing what you need to do for your child.

If you will not be spending much/any time away from your baby, you really don't need to pump. You can even hand-express some milk if you'll be away for an afternoon or something. I also know there are moms who breastfeed when with their baby and formula feed when apart. Check out https://www.kellymom.com for great breastfeeding resources.

melissah814 · January 2015

specialsn0wflake said:

melissah814 said:

jk3610 said:
Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!
Breastfeeding means the baby will have to be with me most of the time if I'm his food source.

A judge will tell you to pump. Breastfeeding wont automatically give you full custody if it comes down to that. While breastfeeding is encouraged, a judge will consider a child having both parents in a childs life to be more beneficial to their life long development and emotional well being. I've been through a long and nasty custody battle before so I have some experience with this.

My ex was & still is, very supportive of me breastfeeding. He actually suggested me to do it when I didn't want to at first. I know breastfeeding wouldn't matter in the end, I would pump, I just don't want to.

kjuryfl · January 2015

Sorry to hear this. I would consult a lawyer. This could get tricky down the road and it is better to know the legality of it all.

jk3610 · January 2015

snegde said:
He's dealing and using drugs he needs to go to court for something else before worrying about custody. I know what I would do but this isn't about me. Good luck.

Agreed. He should be in prison which would negate the custody issue temporarily.

specialsn0wflake · January 2015

melissah814 said:

melissah814 said:

Maybe i missed something but what does breastfeeding have to do with it? Good luck!
Breastfeeding means the baby will have to be with me most of the time if I'm his food source.

A judge will tell you to pump. Breastfeeding wont automatically give you full custody if it comes down to that. While breastfeeding is encouraged, a judge will consider a child having both parents in a childs life to be more beneficial to their life long development and emotional well being. I've been through a long and nasty custody battle before so I have some experience with this.
My ex was & still is, very supportive of me breastfeeding. He actually suggested me to do it when I didn't want to at first. I know breastfeeding wouldn't matter in the end, I would pump, I just don't want to.

Its good he's supportive. Just offering some insight since I have recently went through a nasty battle with my ex. I genuinely hope yours turns out better!

parisgrant89 · January 2015

Hi there. I am in the exact same situation as you. My pregnancy has been very stressful and emotional and I am now facing the fact that my partner has chosen drugs over the chance of having a family and waking up each morning to his son. I am just getting through each day ansbsolutely heartbroken but know I have made the right decision breaking up with him. I am not sure if it is different where you are but in qld Australia a mother has full rights to the child up untill 18 months old. The father can apply for visits however it will be while you are present as you will be breastfeeding and fortunately they do not just hand new born babies over to the father without the mother being present. I would recommend getting some legal advice before the baby is born and if u cannot see the dad being actively involved in the babies life a year down the track then giving him your last name is best. Hopefully he changes his ways when the baby is born. My partner is a very very selfish person so I don't see my situation changing even after he has come. Sad but is reality. Keep your mind busy and focus on the baby and eventually you will realize you are better than him and ultimately he is/will be missing out.

sallen26 · January 2015

As a teacher I see all sorts of unusual family situations, and they get sorted out in a myriad of ways. I don't really have much expertise, but I would follow the previous posters' advice and get as much documented as you can. Contact the police and report the issues, ask them for advice, contact CPS and document your concerns, perhaps see if you can talk with a social worker for advice, I would also contact a lawyer. I'm not sure which order would make sense or what makes sense to do first, but I wish you the best of luck.

taramanter · January 2015

In my experience, only my name is on the birth certificate from PA. My daughters father didn't file for custody until she was 2. Then they can do a paternity test and possibly if you are willing to pay for it a drug test so there is only supervised visits if any if he fails. I would advise meeting with a lawyer to find out your rights and what you can do. Keep record of everything. Good luck!

SuperFudge00 · January 2015

Having no legal expertise, here goes:

1) I think if you don't name him on the birth certificate, it will take extra steps for him to establish his parental rights, but won't stop them. Conversely, you will have to take those same steps to establish paternity in order to get support.

2) As far as restricting his visitation and/or custody, you have to have proof of unsuitability. Just you saying he does drugs or sells drugs isn't enough. Making an accusation will probably lead to drug testing. Short of a positive test or relevant criminal record, you'll probably have some sort of shared custody.

3) Furthermore, the judge will probably ask you the same question I asked that you never answered: what did you think he did for a living? This is because you can't get self-righteous about his actions now that you aren't together if you were willing to accept it before. Obviously, selling drugs is illegal but if you knew or turned a blind eye, you are responsible as well.

Whatever you do, your child deserves to know both its parents and the father should be allowed the opportunity to straighten out and step up. You've done what you need to do for you, now you must make sure that your baby gets all the healthy love available.

court476 · January 2015

If you out the dads name in the birth certificate. The father has to sign off on it. You might not want to put yourself in that position. And if theirs no fathers name on the birth certificate then you won't have to deal with custody unless he files with the cort for a paternity test.

melissah814 · January 2015

SuperFudge00 said:
Having no legal expertise, here goes:

1) I think if you don't name him on the birth certificate, it will take extra steps for him to establish his parental rights, but won't stop them. Conversely, you will have to take those same steps to establish paternity in order to get support.

2) As far as restricting his visitation and/or custody, you have to have proof of unsuitability. Just you saying he does drugs or sells drugs isn't enough. Making an accusation will probably lead to drug testing. Short of a positive test or relevant criminal record, you'll probably have some sort of shared custody.

3) Furthermore, the judge will probably ask you the same question I asked that you never answered: what did you think he did for a living? This is because you can't get self-righteous about his actions now that you aren't together if you were willing to accept it before. Obviously, selling drugs is illegal but if you knew or turned a blind eye, you are responsible as well.

Whatever you do, your child deserves to know both its parents and the father should be allowed the opportunity to straighten out and step up. You've done what you need to do for you, now you must make sure that your baby gets all the healthy love available.

He has a job... That's the only thing I thought he did. I honestly had no idea about the drugs.

Rowsdower85 · January 2015

@melissah814‌ I sent you a PM.

melissah814 · January 2015

Rowsdower85 said:
@melissah814‌ I sent you a PM.

Where do I read PM's at on the app?

SuperFudge00 · January 2015

Go to all forums then inbox

ktplusbby · January 2015

I just wanted to say good luck in all of this and I hope everything turns out well for you and your LO

vharnett18 · January 2015

My parents had me very young and were not together anymore by the time I came around, my father is not listed on my birth certificate and if he wanted custody of me he would have had to bring my mom to court and get a DNA sample to prove to the courts that I was his biological child. If you do not want your child to have contact with the father I would go that route if down the road he straightens out and you decide you want him to be part of the babies life any and all contact is what you want it to be as he would have no parental rights to the child since he is not stated on any of the baby's documents .

janexo221 · January 2015

My husband is a lawyer, he does business contracts but started in family law. We live in Texas, so he said you would have to check with your state. You are not required here to put anyones name on the birth cert. Then, the father files with the attorney general to establish paternity. It takes time to go to hearing, testing, and then reporting back to court. He said that would buy you some time. At your hearing, you can request drug testing to be part of the custody plan. This will probably be hashed out with a mediator. You can also ask for supervised visitation. Most judges side with the mother to have physical custody due to baby bonding and feeding, but still give dad a lot of visitation. It would be great if you had any arrest records of he had a history. Hope that helps but my husband said that it really will start will the attorney general or child protective services where you are. You are usually able to open a case with an unborn baby. But sometimes that means putting the father's name on the cert.

justyouraveragemama · January 2015

I'm in the same position you are. I have no idea what to do as far as custody. My ex is emotionally abussive and there isn't really any way to prove that so I've really been wondering about this topic. Thanks for posting the question! I wish you luck in this!

Scarlettg · January 2015

As PPs have said, I think there are legal implications surrounding his name and the birth certificate. Specifically, I think it affects your ability to get child support payments. Document what you can and get a lawyer's advice. Stay strong! You're doing the right thing.

smilesallaround · January 2015

I have read a few posts about the father having the right to be apart of the child's life and I just wanted to weigh in as someone who was repeatedly hurt by the actions of my biological father. He was a drug user for most of my childhood. He only showed up when it was convenient for him or when he knew it would cause a scene. He wasn't ready to be a father figure to me until I was in my 20s, and by then I considered it late.

So i know i am just an internet stranger, but in my opinion, not every man deserves the right to be apart of the child's life. If he chose to do/deal drugs knowing he had a child on the way, then he has forfeited his right to be in the child's life.

emb518 · January 2015

I raised my first alone until I met my now husband, a man worthy of the term father.
My advice, don't put his name in the birth certificate, it's just a hassle and gives the biological father something to Hang over your head.
Anyway... I would definitely get yourself a lawyer and remember that you need to be the bigger person. No name calling or fighting. This is about your child and you need to prove you are a fit parent and he is not.
Best of luck!

dana1047 · January 2015

If I remember correctly, the boyfriend is younger in age? Not that this is an excuse at ALL. I just hope that as he grows up, his situation in life will change and he may be able to provide more financially and have a bigger part in your son's life. For the time being, I'd also recommend a lawyer to help you sort through the current situation to push for supervised visits or even visits only at his parents (if they are people you trust).

Good luck OP. T&Ps that everything works out well for you both.

fiscally3 · January 2015

I volunteer with a group for single moms, so I am no way an expert, but I know from past presentations we've had, it can be helpful to keep a journal of everything that happens with dates & times. Save text messages, emails. So you have more of a paper trail than his arrest record to show the court. If he gets custody, was he on time for pick up & drop off, did your child come back clean and well fed, etc.

JJBoden · January 2015

Nope. You do not have to put his name in her birth certificate. If he shows he wants to parent later he can petition for that to be changed. You don't even have to tell him when baby is born. He has no rights right now. He can ask for a paternity test after the baby is born if he so chooses. You also will not have to hand your newborn over for overnights. Plan on nursing the baby if you can. Not only is it better for baby, it will keep the visits in the first year short if he's granted visits. Thinking of you. Hopefully he just goes away for good!

JJBoden · January 2015

Also.. Don't say who dad is. Say you're not sure. And it's not worth listing him for child support. He sounds like a loser. He likely won't hold a real job anyway. No amount of $ is worth having to share your child with a druggie.

SunRae1 · January 2015

I would contact child protective services in your area. The last thing you want is for your bf to have your baby while dealing drugs. This could result in getting your child taken. You could call CPS and find out what they suggest.

melissah814 · January 2015

dana1047 said:
If I remember correctly, the boyfriend is younger in age? Not that this is an excuse at ALL. I just hope that as he grows up, his situation in life will change and he may be able to provide more financially and have a bigger part in your son's life. For the time being, I'd also recommend a lawyer to help you sort through the current situation to push for supervised visits or even visits only at his parents (if they are people you trust).

Good luck OP. T&Ps that everything works out well for you both.

He's a year older than me.

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