Intro from an elephant in the room
seacatch
member
I am very sad not only to be posting here, but that this group exists at all.
A little over 12 weeks ago my husband and I received the terrible news that our daughter’s heart was no longer beating. I was 41 weeks and labor had finally started. When we got to the hospital and the nurse put the fetal monitor on my belly and there was no sound I immediately knew she was gone even though the nurse was still trying to find the heartbeat and was getting the doctor to bring in the ultrasound. That was the most terrible moment, to look over at my husband who was so excited and happy that it was finally almost time to meet our baby girl and knowing that in seconds his world was going to come crashing down. After many long and painful hours of labor I finally gave birth to our beautiful Lillian Wren, all 9 lbs 6.4 oz and 22.5 inches of her. She was perfect and wonderful. She had lots of dark hair, my husband’s brow line and forehead, my lips, chins, and toes. I look at photos of her and am still in amazement that I grew someone so beautiful, she really got the best combination of genes from my husband and I. My parents were there with us, they were also there for all of the labor, and they got to meet her and hold her which is a memory I deeply cherish.
We have since gotten back the results from the autopsy and also all the bloodwork that they did on me and any they did on her. She was absolutely perfect in every way; it was an acute ascending infection that took her. I had seen the doctor two days prior and we were both happy and healthy, she had a strong heartbeat, and there was absolutely no cause for concern. The infection came on very suddenly and got her first. She had been active and squirming around until she just all of a sudden wasn’t. It started to get me too as the labor went on- but being an adult I was better able to fight it until they could give me the antibiotics and treatment. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish it took me, though I know my husband would be devastated. I have been struggling with regret and guilt- that my body couldn’t go into labor sooner, that maybe I shouldn’t have continued working until the end but instead rested at home as maybe then I would have been strong enough, or something enough, to have prevented this infection, that maybe I somehow missed that she was in distress and didn’t go to the hospital in time… My doctor has said there was nothing I did wrong and that these infections can come very suddenly and strike without rhyme or reason. I try to believe that, it is just really hard sometimes.
We are still learning how to live day by day, sometimes minute by minute. My husband had to go back to work two weeks after her birth. I have just recently gone back to work. I wasn’t really wanting to but, it had to happen. I have been struggling greatly with many insensitive coworkers. There are a number of people that have never said anything and avoid me- I am just the big elephant in the room. I am angry a lot of the time about this, but primarily just very, very hurt. I feel so ostracized and in a small, close knit group like ours that is really difficult. Do any of you have suggestions for how to deal with this? Part of me thinks that only option is to find another job, but maybe that is being too rash. I have also been learning to forgive and to hopefully at some point repair the relationship with my in-laws for how they acted after Lillian’s birth. It has been difficult but they are my husband’s parents and so I try- I have told him it will take time and not to push me. He has also struggled with them, but since they are his parents I think he was able to forgive and move forward easier.
I am sorry this has turned long. I am also very sorry for each of your losses.
Re: Intro from an elephant in the room
Going back to work was incredibly hard for me too. I had a lot of trouble keeping it together, so in some respects I appreciated that people gave me my space at first but it hurt a great deal that some people that I felt I was fairly close with didn't even acknowledge my daughter. People don't know what to say and sadly it seems most people err on the side of saying nothing at all rather than risk saying the wrong thing. It sucks. Only you can decide what's best for you but if you enjoy the actual work you do and used to enjoy the people you work with, I suggest giving it some time before making any big decisions. Being at work has pretty much gone back to normal for me but I know I will never forget who reached out to me or expressed kindness to me in one form or another after my loss and those that never said a word. That list is permanently burned in my brain.
October 2011 - DS (7)
July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)
August 2015 - DD (3)
April 2018 - 5 week loss
I can't offer advice on your specific situation because I haven't gone back to work yet (my son passed on December 4th), but I will definitely be thinking of and praying for you!
As for dealing with co-workers, I'll second what PP have said - people just do not know what to say and so they say nothing. My only advice is, as you feel comfortable, talk about your daughter. When coworkers are talking about their children, their pregnancies, or loss in their own lives, talk about your daughter. If you do something in her memory, or something makes you think about her, talk about it with them. We have had to take this approach with my ILs, they do not talk about our son at all, so we talk about him with them, and it does seem like it has helped. The more you talk about her, the more your coworkers will realize that it is okay to talk to you about her.
Also, you could put photos of her out in your office - often our babies seem to "not exist" for other people, but seeing a photo (even just of her hands or feet if you don't feel comfortable sharing anything else) makes them more real for others. One of the other moms on here shared how she had a photo of her daughter out in her office and a visitor commented on what a beautiful little girl she had. That sort of response will make any mom proud! I have a photo of my sons feet and also a beach shot of his name in the sand out in my office at work, and both are out proudly along with other family photos, and if nothing else, those photos make me think about him and that makes me smile.
One other suggestion, if you have any jewelry that is in memory of your daughter, wear it. People will comment on it and it gives you a chance to talk about your little girl. My husband wears a band every day that says "dad of an angel" and he gets asked about it often which gives him a chance to talk about Colton, which is special.
Ultimately, it's really about how comfortable you are with people asking about her (and some days that is easier than others, I get that! Even now 16 months since the loss of our son, I still have days where I don't want to talk about him). And the more you talk about her, the more you bring her up, the more you show how proud and in love with her you are, the less awkward it will be with people and the more normal it will be for everyone when her name comes up in conversation.
Again, I am so sorry that you are joing us here, and please know that we are here whenever you need us.
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter Lillian Wren. I think it is very normal to feel guilty, even if it is not your fault. As mothers, we feel like we are supposed to protect our babies, but sometimes, there's nothing we can do.
Work can be difficult. When I went back to work, nobody really knew what to say or do. I agree with PPs, if you feel comfortable, talk about your daughter. I think some people don't say anything because they don't want to upset you, but if you take the lead, they might feel more comfortable. Loss can be such an isolating experience. And I think we tend to isolate ourselves more because we don't want to make other people uncomfortable.
Also, I wouldn't worry about trying to forgive your in-laws right now. You need to focus on yourself and your healing first.
P.s. I wonder what you think about a career or office change? A fresh start? When I lost my daughter I threw myself back into college..got my degree in Psychology and then focused on helping others..it really helped heal me to help other people..and animals.
I work in social services, so who better to have large, warm, comforting things to say then my fellow social worker colleagues, right? Wrong. I, too, felt like the elephant in the room and even my best work friends could barely look at me. They texted and were supportive when they learned of our loss, so I was not prepared for feeling ostracized. I think they avoided me, because they didn't want to make me cry at work. (I'm a crier!)
I work with very few males, but of all people to approach me to express how sorry they were to hear of our loss it was the 3 men in my unit. My work BFF/cube mate was at her desk when the one guy approached and hugged me. Later that evening she texted me and apologized for not saying anything my first day back. That opened the conversation to how it made me feel and we have quite a strong "grapevine" at work, so the next day was a lot different.
Eventually work became the place I felt most comfortable, as I was avoiding social outings with friends left and right. Give it some time. If you have a good friend or two, tell them how you feel and hopefully the grapevine will work more effectively than an email--though had I received your email, I would've been extremely grateful! Great idea. Honestly, before experiencing my losses I might've been one of them? Big hugs to you, my dear.
TTC since 10/2010
IUIs # 1-5 = BFFN
IVF # 1(July 2012) = BFN
IVF # 2 (November 2012) = BFP (MIssed MC D&C @ 8w3d on 1/10/13)
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**