I am very sad not only to be posting here, but that this group exists at all.
A little over 12 weeks ago my husband and I received the terrible news that our daughter’s heart was no longer beating. I was 41 weeks and labor had finally started. When we got to the hospital and the nurse put the fetal monitor on my belly and there was no sound I immediately knew she was gone even though the nurse was still trying to find the heartbeat and was getting the doctor to bring in the ultrasound. That was the most terrible moment, to look over at my husband who was so excited and happy that it was finally almost time to meet our baby girl and knowing that in seconds his world was going to come crashing down. After many long and painful hours of labor I finally gave birth to our beautiful Lillian Wren, all 9 lbs 6.4 oz and 22.5 inches of her. She was perfect and wonderful. She had lots of dark hair, my husband’s brow line and forehead, my lips, chins, and toes. I look at photos of her and am still in amazement that I grew someone so beautiful, she really got the best combination of genes from my husband and I. My parents were there with us, they were also there for all of the labor, and they got to meet her and hold her which is a memory I deeply cherish.
We have since gotten back the results from the autopsy and also all the bloodwork that they did on me and any they did on her. She was absolutely perfect in every way; it was an acute ascending infection that took her. I had seen the doctor two days prior and we were both happy and healthy, she had a strong heartbeat, and there was absolutely no cause for concern. The infection came on very suddenly and got her first. She had been active and squirming around until she just all of a sudden wasn’t. It started to get me too as the labor went on- but being an adult I was better able to fight it until they could give me the antibiotics and treatment. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish it took me, though I know my husband would be devastated. I have been struggling with regret and guilt- that my body couldn’t go into labor sooner, that maybe I shouldn’t have continued working until the end but instead rested at home as maybe then I would have been strong enough, or something enough, to have prevented this infection, that maybe I somehow missed that she was in distress and didn’t go to the hospital in time… My doctor has said there was nothing I did wrong and that these infections can come very suddenly and strike without rhyme or reason. I try to believe that, it is just really hard sometimes.
We are still learning how to live day by day, sometimes minute by minute. My husband had to go back to work two weeks after her birth. I have just recently gone back to work. I wasn’t really wanting to but, it had to happen. I have been struggling greatly with many insensitive coworkers. There are a number of people that have never said anything and avoid me- I am just the big elephant in the room. I am angry a lot of the time about this, but primarily just very, very hurt. I feel so ostracized and in a small, close knit group like ours that is really difficult. Do any of you have suggestions for how to deal with this? Part of me thinks that only option is to find another job, but maybe that is being too rash. I have also been learning to forgive and to hopefully at some point repair the relationship with my in-laws for how they acted after Lillian’s birth. It has been difficult but they are my husband’s parents and so I try- I have told him it will take time and not to push me. He has also struggled with them, but since they are his parents I think he was able to forgive and move forward easier.
I am sorry this has turned long. I am also very sorry for each of your losses.