baby shower, yes or no?

laineyjewel · January 2015

This is my third pregnancy, my other 2 will be 11 and 7 when #3 arrives, and I already have been offered a shower. I'm on the fence of whether or not to have one. On one hand my two are older and I don't have anything for baby anymore, but on the other hand this is #3. What's everybody's thoughts?

Spunkie17 · January 2015

Congratulations on your 3rd!

Personally, since your older children are way past baby stage and you could probably use new things to help with your newest, why not?

People who want to be there will be there, and those who don't, won't. I don't think it would hurt anything.

vtcnicely · January 2015

If anyone ever offers to throw a party for you, I'd accept but since it's not your first pregnancy I probably wouldn't do a registry and have it be really informal.

laineyjewel · January 2015

That's what I'm concerned about. But, my MIL has already offered.

aRBe · January 2015

With your youngest being 7, its not a bad idea to have a "sprinkle" (I wouldn't do a full blown shower) if someone is offering to plan one.

kamarks08 · January 2015

bibliothecary said:

If someone offers to throw one, great. If not, please understand that a shower for anything other than the first child can be considered gauche.

This.^^^ Typically a shower is recognized as a "welcoming into motherhood." But, that's not for everyone. But if someone does offer, it's okay to say yes. It's typically not considered tasteful to throw yourself one, especially past your first child. Just keep that in mind.

Princessn678 · January 2015

If someone wants to throw one I would let them, keep it casual. I have been to showers for babies that are not the 1st, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think all babies should be celebrated, but not everyone sees it that way.

Catcherryesux · January 2015

I think it's okay to have a shower for 2nd or 3rd pregnancies as long as the guest list is kept small and contains only people who have shown interest in attending said shower. I definitely don't approve of the hostess raiding the moms Facebook friend list to send out evites to hundreds of people that may not be local. (In fairness, I don't approve of that tactic in first baby showers either).

Boslove · January 2015

I personally hate baby showers - not one for being the center of attention, So I am trying to avoid a second shower.

I've discussed this topic with a few different people and overall people thought it made sense to have one - regardless of the number of kids you already have. From what you described it would make sense seeing that your kids are older too.

WSatisfiedP · January 2015

I'm not really on board with second showers; I definitely would not have a registry. My MIL mentioned a shower over Christmas and I told her absolutely not, we have everything we need and I don't feel ok about people buying for a second child. She suggested a diapers & wipes sprinkle, which I might be ok with if she just insists.

cowboys2009 · January 2015

fogleer said:

laineyjewel said:

That's what I'm concerned about. But, my MIL has already offered.

I'd go with no for that. MILs and mother of the mother-to-be shouldn't be throwing showers to get gifts for their grandchild.

Who should be throwing the shower? I'm genuinely curious aa where I'm from it is always the future grandma(s) who throw the shower and anything else is considered tacky.

I never pass up the opportunity to celebrate a friend or loved one so I am all for sprinkles or second showers. I agree with PP that all babies should be celebrated

laineyjewel · January 2015

fogleer said:

laineyjewel said:

That's what I'm concerned about. But, my MIL has already offered.

I'd go with no for that. MILs and mother of the mother-to-be shouldn't be throwing showers to get gifts for their grandchild.

Where I'm from it is almost always the grandmothrr that throws the shower.

incir · January 2015

I'm on team no second showers, but I get its regional.

However, if you are uncomfortable is there some way that you could celebrate the baby without the shower gift giving aspect. Have your MIL throw a "welcome to the new baby" party a month after baby is born? People could bring gifts if they wanted, but no one is obligated. Or could she do some pre-baby party but not call it a shower? Its really the "everyone must bring a present" aspect of the second shower I object to, not the celebrating a new baby. You can celebrate without gifts being required and I almost guarantee that many people will bring you a small present to a gathering like that. Its a sort of win-win with etiquette.

Catcherryesux · January 2015

Seeca022 said:
On the topic of registering ... why wouldn't you? You don't have to share that you registered, but the 20% off at the end of your "event" seems worth it to me. Babies are expensive.

If you do register, I don't think that is information that should go into the invite. If someone asks, it's okay to share, but including it with the invite comes across as expecting gifts which could rub people the wrong way.

mrsb30 · January 2015

I wondering what the regional differences are? I know that etiquette says second showers are tacky. I'm from the north and currently live in the south and with my friends In both places it's very common to have baby showers on 2nd and 3rd children. Usually it's a friend or ladies at the church throwing the shower. I'm just interested to know I anybody knows what regions are against it. I'm wondering if it's more social circles rather than regions.

Eta: spelling

vtcnicely · January 2015

Catcherryesux said:

On the topic of registering ... why wouldn't you? You don't have to share that you registered, but the 20% off at the end of your "event" seems worth it to me. Babies are expensive.
If you do register, I don't think that is information that should go into the invite. If someone asks, it's okay to share, but including it with the invite comes across as expecting gifts which could rub people the wrong way.

Exactly this. I register everywhere for the discount for myself, but sending out a registry to everyone shows this is the gifts you are expecting them to buy. For a 1st pregnancy I think that is totally okay, otherwise it falls into gift grabby.

stephanie012 · January 2015

I would say go for it, especially since there is an age gap. Where I am from second (and third) showers are pretty common, as most view it as an occasion to get together and celebrate!

chavemann10 · January 2015

I had a 1st (thrown by mom), a 2nd (surprise by BFF), and 3rd (8yrs after the 2nd and different gender, thrown by new SIL and family)This was my 1st child with DH, first 2 were with my ex-husband. I do not want one this time around, but DH's family is all about the "parties", so we will probably end up having a "meet the baby" party after he/she is born, so that all his family has an excuse to come together. Another option I found with people who don't really want a shower, but someone wants to throw them a party, is gender reveal parties. These are generally co-ed and it's up to the guest if they want to bring anything or not. When it comes to the in-laws, I generally bend to keep them happy. They are amazing, and if they want a party, we'll have a party...just not a shower.

Lois172000 · January 2015

I Google this a couple nights ago and what I saw was that as long as your not throwing it yourself, it's more accepted. Once upon a time it was absolutley tacky but apparantly not anymore.
My MIL offered to do something scaled back for us and I'm ok with that. I guess it really depends on what these little people are. If it's girls we won't need much. If they are boys or one is we'll need some blue! I won't go crazy but for myself and anyone interested I would register.
I say go for it. With that large of a gap you may have a completley different circle of people than with prior children.

divinemsbee · January 2015

I'm firmly on the 'no' side of it. I think people who want to know where you're registered or want to give you presents will give them to you regardless. I think people who weren't thinking they would, if they got an invitation, would probably side-eye. Especially if your MIL is hosting, which I'm normally fine with, I feel like it's just too much.

Also, to repeat an oft said BSB adage, you (proverbial you, not necessarily you, OP)needing stuff does not mean other people should provide it. It always squicks me a little when one of the reasons is 'we don't have any of our baby stuff anymore.' Regardless of how it's meant to sound, that reasoning just comes off a bit gift-grabby.

I think a Meet the Baby or 'Sip 'n See' is perfectly fine for any baby. It's not a gift giving event like a shower, but if people want to bring something they can. I think the one exception to the shower for multiple children thing, for me, is if it's the first child for one side of the couple, then that side's people throw a shower.

karapalley · January 2015

I recently attended a second shower for a coworker thrown by her family. She didn't register and only asked for diapers. She of course ended up receiving other gifts as well but never asked, which I thought was a great way to do it!

I think a shower is fine, especially since there is such an age gap between!

cowboys2009 · January 2015

If my mom or MIL insist, I will suggest calling it a sprinkle and request that they invite people with the sentiment "no presents please - just your presence

". I just want to celebrate baby, I'm not interested in the monetary aspect of gifts

I do like the diapers and wipes party idea too

[Deleted User] · January 2015

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SummerOH · January 2015

I see no problem with it whatsoever. I live in the Midwest and it's very common to have second showers when there's a significant age gap. The showers are nearly always thrown by the expecting woman's mother, sister, or both. I don't think it's tacky at all. It's also very common to have sprinkles when the kids are close in age.

aliska · January 2015

No. If someone other than your Mom or MIL offers, then maybe. 2nd showers are gift grabby, and moms and MILs hosting is also gift grabby. IMO

laineyjewel · January 2015

@SummerOH‌ I'm in the midwest as well, and showers and sprinkles are almost always thriwn by MIL or Mom of the mother-to-be. That part doesn't bother me, as other people have suggested it's tacky, it's considered the norm for us. I've had friends have 2nd and 3rd showers when the sex of the new baby is different than the older kids. I just don't want to seem "gift grabby".

taylorharber1108 · January 2015

It might be something that your older children want to be apart of. I was 13 when my mom was expecting. I got to help throw the shower, it was a great way for me to be involved.

PinkPixie1 · January 2015

I'm on the no train for showers for 2nd (or beyond) kids. It seems very gift grabby to me.

I always RSVP no to 2nd and beyond baby showers and I don't send a gift. May sound like a b!tch move but I more that likely will get you a gift when the baby is born. Plus I really really really hate showers, so forced and boring.

So my vote is for no if you're keeping a tally.

PinkPixie1 · January 2015

laineyjewel said:

@SummerOH‌ I'm in the midwest as well, and showers and sprinkles are almost always thriwn by MIL or Mom of the mother-to-be. That part doesn't bother me, as other people have suggested it's tacky, it's considered the norm for us. I've had friends have 2nd and 3rd showers when the sex of the new baby is different than the older kids. I just don't want to seem "gift grabby".

I'm from the mid-west too and it's completely opposite for my friends and family. Showers are most often held by aunts, sister/SIL, or friends. I've only seen them held by the Mom/MIL a handful of times and that's generally when it's a very small family (no sisters, aunts, etc.) and the friends shower is separate or can't afford to throw it. And very rarely is there ever a shower for a 2nd baby.

To me, I don't really care who's throwing it but not down with showers for 2nd and beyond babies.

ajetter · January 2015

I think if someone offers a shower, especially someone that isn't your mom or sister, go for it. Especially because of the age gap. Honestly this is my third, my girls are close together, and if someone offered a shower I wouldn't turn it down. I'd keep the invite list small, there wouldn't be a registry, etc, but who doesn't love an excuse for a party? Plus is isn't against the norm in my social circle.

SummerOH · January 2015

laineyjewel said:
@SummerOH‌ I'm in the midwest as well, and showers and sprinkles are almost always thriwn by MIL or Mom of the mother-to-be. That part doesn't bother me, as other people have suggested it's tacky, it's considered the norm for us. I've had friends have 2nd and 3rd showers when the sex of the new baby is different than the older kids. I just don't want to seem "gift grabby".

Meh, I say go for it. I had 3, yes 3, showers for DS and didn't feel one bit guilty. One from my MIL (DH is from 2.5 hours south), one from my aunt and mom, and one from coworkers. People were happy for me and wanted to celebrate. I don't see anything wrong with that. They were all very well attended, so apparently not many people thought it was tacky. DD was 13 when DS was born.

If someone wants to celebrate this exciting new addition, especially the first for you and YH, then let them! The pearl clutchers can stay home if they are grumpy. So many families are blended and/or nontraditional these days. They'll get over it.

Brodie and Chevelle · January 2015

I love the diapers and wipes party idea rather than registering for gifts for a second child. I agree that having a celebration is completely fine, especially if someone offers to throw one for you!

princesslockness · January 2015

Go ahead and have one if someone else will host it, and volunteered.

FTM and I will be having at least 3 for this LO. My coworkers want to throw one, DH adopted/claimed/neighbor mom will throw one, H actual adopted mom will throw one. My family might possibly throw one.

I feel like its a bit overboard, but I also am not the party type.

thehurricaine · January 2015

cowboys2009 said:

laineyjewel said:

That's what I'm concerned about. But, my MIL has already offered.

I'd go with no for that. MILs and mother of the mother-to-be shouldn't be throwing showers to get gifts for their grandchild.
Who should be throwing the shower? I'm genuinely curious aa where I'm from it is always the future grandma(s) who throw the shower and anything else is considered tacky. I never pass up the opportunity to celebrate a friend or loved one so I am all for sprinkles or second showers. I agree with PP that all babies should be celebrated

I think this might be regional? Every shower I've been to has had the mom of the bride or groom or of the mother or father host. But then, just about every wedding I've been to has had a cash bar/bar tickets or whatever, never a full open bar and people from other countries and some other provinces think that's tacky.

I'd consider what you've seen happen with other people near you and see what they think. My experience has been that other than throwing your own, just a good chunk of the American advice doesn't apply here in British Columbia.

ETA - and yes, I'm from a logging town up north and currently live in a city known for it's casual vibe. Rich people might do things differently for all I know.

Kencran · January 2015

This is my fourth and I defiantly won't have a baby shower. However I know my mother in law, sisters, and sister in laws will take me out to a luncheon about two weeks before the birth and they all bring something adorably cute for baby. That's what we did for numbers 2 and 3. Then after lunch the girls all go get pedicures. It's so fun and so much more relaxing than a full blown baby shower.

curryfamily · January 2015

I am all for second showers, I feel like showers are a way of celebrating and welcoming the new baby. Within my group of people it isn't uncommon to have showers for every pregnancy. Everyone is different though just do what makes you comfortable.

cleblanc18 · January 2015

I think it would be totally fine, do whatever YOUR comfortable with!

One of my DF close friend had a gender reveal party (gifts included), a baby shower (bring diapers and wipes too please), ANDDDD a shower for him (also asking for gifts).... I was livid when I saw the invite for my fiance in the mail for a man shower. I mean who SERIOUSLY HAS THREE SHOWERS FOR ONE CHILD (the parties were ALL done to the nines too, nothing low key) Not to mention she invited as many people as possible to the baby shower, some of the people were just Facebook friends with her/she hasn't seen in years. I didn't go because I see the woman seriously once a year (if that) because she never comes to any of the gatherings and doesn't talk to any of the wives of our husband's group (none of the wives went either). It just felt like she was being extremely greedy which is why I didn't go, I believe you only invite people who you are close too.

^^^THISSS is gift grabby and extremely tacky!

I don't think you doing a shower when your kids are way out of the baby stage is tacky or rude. But I also wouldn't do it as if it was your first shower either.

daniellepanda · January 2015

I'm from the east coast and pretty much every shower I have been to (including my own) are thrown by the mother/mother in law/or aunt of the mom to be. I live in CA now and it seems the same here but I see more friends throwing sprinkles and diaper parties for their friends 2 and 3rd babies. I think it is fine. I've never once heard somebody complain about celebrating a new baby. I actually would find it more rude to attend a shower for a friends 1st baby and reply no to sprinkle for their 2nd because it seemed "tacky" according to old school rules. A friends new baby is a new baby. I am all for helping each other out and buying gifts for each other and celebrating, 1st baby or 4th it doesn't matter to me.

TristaJ90 · January 2015

I plan to have a 2nd baby shower especially if this one is a girl (first was a boy)... If not maybe when baby is a month or 2 old I can have a "birthday" party for them. My first child I had bought a lot of clothes off of garage sales and any cash I got from the shower I saved and put in his savings account. I worry about my 2nd not having the same luxury with getting that money right away. I don't want him/her to get the shaft when it comes to building up money for them.

rvaughan1980 · January 2015

I'm from miami.. So we usually use any excuse to throw a party. Showers for multiple kids are commonplace here.. And actually planned/thrown by the woman herself. So I guess it depends on the region/culture.

+lisamarie+ · January 2015

I'm on #4 and had a shower/celebration for my first 2. They wanted to do something for my last as well, but I said no being we were on team green and I didn't want a bunch of yellow stuff (not that I wanted anything, but knowing people will buy). I've been to showers for other friends having their 4th. I look at it more as celebrating the mom and the baby to come. I don't mind having a celebration with friends, like a women's luncheon, honoring the mom to be no ma\er what child they are having.

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