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Parenting
I need some help here (long)...
Going off my last few posts here, you may know that my mom and I are having major issues right now. I've been working on setting healthy boundaries with her for a while now, with the help of my therapist. she obviously does not like this change and has been constantly placing blame on me and MH for the problems that have ensued as a result.
She asked if we could talk today and of course it went nowhere good. Once again, I tried to stay positive, but she got angry and bitter, telling me that "I've shit on a once good relationship with her" and that I've changed so much and others have noticed. That I married a prick who doesnt want her around and all of this has caused her to feel uncomfortable being around us.
I'm due to have our second baby anytime in the next 2 weeks or so, and she basically told me today that I should go ahead and find a back up to care for DS1 while I'm in the hospital, bc she feels like I dont appreciate all she's done for me, and since her and I aren't getting along, she doesnt want to come stay here.
Im so.fucking stressed as it is and now I'm stuck having to find someone to take care of my kid for 2 days while I'm in the hospital. I'm hurt and pissed and stressed...and just WTF. The timing of all this shit couldnt be worse.
She asked if we could talk today and of course it went nowhere good. Once again, I tried to stay positive, but she got angry and bitter, telling me that "I've shit on a once good relationship with her" and that I've changed so much and others have noticed. That I married a prick who doesnt want her around and all of this has caused her to feel uncomfortable being around us.
I'm due to have our second baby anytime in the next 2 weeks or so, and she basically told me today that I should go ahead and find a back up to care for DS1 while I'm in the hospital, bc she feels like I dont appreciate all she's done for me, and since her and I aren't getting along, she doesnt want to come stay here.
Im so.fucking stressed as it is and now I'm stuck having to find someone to take care of my kid for 2 days while I'm in the hospital. I'm hurt and pissed and stressed...and just WTF. The timing of all this shit couldnt be worse.
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Re: I need some help here (long)...
I went through this with a now estranged family member. Once you set the boundaries, they panic and rev up their bullying and tantrums. They are scrambling to regain control and become even worse as a result.
Don't give in. Try not to let it get to you by recognizing that it is their panic causing it. Any resulting actions of them not respecting the boundaries are their choice and not yours. They chose the actions which resulted in the consequences.
Find other care and don't let her use you or your children as pawns. Good luck.
No. It isn't your fault. She is scrambling and panicking because she is loosing control (which is what boundary issues are about).
She will absolutely place the blame on you but it is not your fault at all. Her actions are 100% her choice. She is choosing to hurt the relationship by not respecting you, your husband or your family.
As far as her resorting to this, it's very typical. Once it again, it goes back to scrambling for control.
Honestly, once she brought my kid into it she can fuck right off. My family (child and husband) is more important than a woman who refuses to stop being toxic.
It doesnt help that she disguises her manipulation tactics under the pretense that she loves us (my brother and I) so much and has devoted her life to us (which she has), so now she feels "Shit on" and "pushed away" be MH and me. So it makes me feel as if I've done this. And I've created this situation. Kwim?
Our issues were with two people. One person finally worked on the issues and is a part of our lives.
The other went into a spiral of vicious personal and emotional attacks and is completely out of our lives.
I regret nothing and call it a success. Sure, we basically lost a family member but the relationship was so toxic that we are so much happier and more whole without that person.
Engaged: 7/19/09 Married: 9/19/10
BFP: 10/14/13 EDD: 6/16/14 DD Arrived: 6/21/14
June '14 Siggy Challenge: Warm Places
No, unfortunately. I'm a SAHM. Although our babysitter that we havent used in a Long time (she was out on medical leave and needed surgery) contacted us not long ago, so I think I'll give her a call. It s just tough bc money is a factor also.
Oh, I get it. I can be clear and blunt because I am 3 years removed from the situation. It is horrible and you do feel like maybe you should just go back to how it was, even if it was dysfunctional.
One thing that helped, outside of recognizing the panic and scramble was to tell ourselves "We are breaking the cycle".
I am here anytime if you want to talk more.
wrong thread. Oops.
Would you be willing to have the babysitter just during the delivery? MIL came and watched DS when DD was born. We had planned for DH to stay at the hospital with me overnight but DS was pretty upset (he was 3.5), so I decided DS needed DH overnight more than I did. It was a little lonely at night but I was fine.
See, thats what I figured. But then she told me the family did an overnight for (a full 24 hrs of care) paid her flat rate of 250...which my jaw just about dropped. No way in hell are we able to pay her 250 to come stay with our kid. Although for 24hrs, that works out to about 10bucks and hr. But I dont anticipate needing her for the full 24hrs.
She said she'd work with us and obviously wouldnt charge us 250 (plus we wouldnt have her for the full 24hrs), but I have no idea what she's expecting. I asked her if she'd be willing to lower her rate if she was here only while he was asleep and she said she'd Lower that to like 12/hr...which still seems high to me for sleeping on my couch while my kid is asleep.
Literally, we went through all of the "letting go/guilt trip" drama with his mom a few years back and now it seems like we're dealing with it all over again with my mom (although its with 2 totally different people and situations).
It just sucks when I feel like im trying to GD hard to better myself, not blame others, take responsibility for myself and take care of my family, and all she's doing is pointing the finger.
Uhh..what? I told her first of all, i cant help her make this decision and that if she decides to go and i have the baby thay day, ill figure somethjng out.
But above all, wtmf. It sounded to me like she's fishing for me to come back and tell her I need her here.
So once again, things dont go her way, so she results to anger and insults. Awesome.
Their marriage is completely on her terms. Whatever she says goes and its always been that way. She married him not out of love, but in order to provide stability for my brother and i as kids and as a family, in her own words (which is a fucking can of worms that we wont even open right now).
So basically he's her personal doormat. She treats him like shit and he takesit. He doesnt get involved in this stuff bc he knows she'll talk right over him.
But according to her, other family members of mine have even "agreed that I've changed". So great. Apparently she's got my other family members on board with this. I kind of feel like she's rallying a team against mh and I. Which is also what makes me doubt myself and wonder where the hell it all went wrong.
So basically your mom said "well, I was going to help you but something better came along & now I want you to OK me totally bailing on you in your time of need" Gah that pisses me off more than anything when people do this & I'm so sorry your mom is being such a bitch to you. I would have said "don't worry about me, I can handle my own shit, I'll try to let you know when the baby is here kthxbye" I'm sorry your going thru this & wish I was close enough to help out!
She insisted on calling back again to say "well is it safe to say you're all set then and you dont need me there? Bc I have lots of other she I could be doing" I said "ok yes then. We will figure it out, dont worry about it." She replied "ok, im sure Yh will be happy about this, bc he's got you right where he wants you."
Oh whatever, bitch. See ya sometime in the new year...who knows when. Bc apparently YOU got LOTS OF SHIT to do!
See ya later, 2014! Goin out with a bang! At this point, I'm so ready for a new year.
She's lost her fucking marbles. I'm halfway tempted to reach out to my step dad about all this, but I'm afraid I'd be beating a dead horse. She's got a mean poker face when it comes to playing victim...which is exactly what she's doing. Mh and I are officially the bad guys here. WE created this.
She also HAD to get in that last little tidbit about how she's still concerned about my son (this "underlying medical issue" that she believes is there and hasnt been looked into enough by the 5 different doctors we've seen to rule everything out before it was deemed a benign mild low Muscle tone issue by our pedi) and when "it all comes to light, she'll be there for me with open arms".
Im just SMFH at this point. Idk what to even think of her anymore.
Instead of offering up a genuine apology for the nasty things she said during our last argument (right before Christmas), she continued to justify why she said all the things she said.
But I also don't want any more drama on my plate either.
Thats also the thing. They could potentially help with babysitting, so I feel like if I reached out to one of them, it may benefit us when it comes time to have this baby.