March 2015 Moms
thejucheidea
member
Gender neutral parenting
thejucheidea
member
Way back when I first announced on here, I mentioned that my husband and I weren't finding out the sex of our unborn child because we're wanting to engage in gender neutral parenting, there was a bit of outcry and judgment with people saying that it was pointless because other people were going to gender our child or that we were doing our child a disservice by not giving them a gender identity. This article came across my Facebook feed today, and I feel like it explains the idea of gender neutral parenting really well and puts to rest a lot of the myths (for example, we're not going to be disappointed if we have a daughter who is the girliest girl who has ever happened -- we'll just have an equal lack of disappointment if we have a boy who is the girliest).
Married 19 October 2013
TTC since June 2014
BFP: 3 July 2014
EDD: Pi Day 2015
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Gender neutral parenting
I think where the concept goes off the rails is when it is escalated to actively hiding the sex of your child. That is frankly weird. It'll draw tons of unwanted attention to your kid, and may encourage people to try to peek at your kid's junk to satisfy their curiosity. No child needs that.
As with everything, extremity breeds insanity. Moderation is key. This isn't a lifestyle choice, or some weird badge or ribbon or group cause, it's your kid's life. If you keep that in mind, you are aces.
100% with @Peledreamsofrain - that's how I define GNP, too. I grew up playing tea party and dress-up with my older brother who now is a beer guzzling, sports watching, belch-in-your-face-when-you-cross-his-path nasty manly man (I'll add that I'm the only one who gets the belch-in-the-face as the only sister in my family but I wanted to throw that in there since he's fucking 34 and should've grown out of that by now). I also played with GI Joes and Transformers. My parents never told us "that's for girls" or "that's for boys" which I think it the most important thing to teach your kids. They'll eventually gravitate towards feminine/masculine behaviors as they form their gender.
It's people who go about making it "weird" for their kids. Like trying to get their son to like pink or attempting to avoid having their daughter become girly. My cousins tried to prevent their daughter from acting on overtly feminine behaviors but she's 4 now and a card-carrying princess. There's only so much you can do to guide your child's gender.
Really the only thing you should do is step back and let them decide what's most comfortable. If my son is a wannabe super hero or athlete, cool. If he's a gamer, AWESOME!!!! (but I won't force him into it just because that's what *I* like). If he's effeminate, I will defend him against ignorance as best I can. If he's into fishing and hunting... ugh. But again, support. You do what you gotta do to support your kid's identity. Gender is just one of the many manifestations of their identity.
No suppression = good. Telling them how to behave based on what's between their legs = bad.
Anyone with a basic comprehension of early childhood development knows boys can play with dolls and girls can play with trucks and that it doesn't "turn them gay" or whatever it is people who are into rigid gender roles believe.
I don't understand the point of this thread. Maybe it's because I'm really sick and having trouble focusing. Isn't there another big thread on gender roles and toys around here or something?
Perhaps you live in a liberal town or part of the country? Because sadly, this is not the norm where I'm from. In my town, it is, thank God. But in my state (Indiana)? Yeah, girls need to be feminine and boys must be masculine. There is no grey area. I can't count how many times I've winced outwardly when someone corrects their daughter for sitting or acting a certain way, or admonishes their son for crying and telling him to buck up and be a man. I was at our local orchard this fall and watched a man make his young son carry three pumpkins for his older sister because "he's the boy."
You are most fortunate if you live in a setting where it's normal to let kids explore gender without constraint. But in good ol' fashioned Indiana, a boy should learn leadership skills and a girl should learn how to keep house. It drives me crazy, but that's our social norm and I'm a radical for breaking it with my kids.
Think about it, what is the first thing someone says when meeting a little girl? "Oh! Your dress/hair/dimples are so cute/ pretty!".
Perhaps you live in a liberal town or part of the country? Because sadly, this is not the norm where I'm from. In my town, it is, thank God. But in my state (Indiana)? Yeah, girls need to be feminine and boys must be masculine. There is no grey area. I can't count how many times I've winced outwardly when someone corrects their daughter for sitting or acting a certain way, or admonishes their son for crying and telling him to buck up and be a man. I was at our local orchard this fall and watched a man make his young son carry three pumpkins for his older sister because "he's the boy."
You are most fortunate if you live in a setting where it's normal to let kids explore gender without constraint. But in good ol' fashioned Indiana, a boy should learn leadership skills and a girl should learn how to keep house. It drives me crazy, but that's our social norm and I'm a radical for breaking it with my kids.
---------quote fail----------Nope, I live in a conservative religious republican area. We're all pretty outdoorsy around here and hunting is the norm for both males and females. But we do tend to reach leadership to both men and women. And while gender typical gifts are most common, I've also not seen children shamed for playing with a variety of toys. Perhaps that's because my personal crowd is liberal and well-educated and nobody gives a fuck.
But basically what I meant to say with my post is, why does this style of parenting need some kind of label to bragsplain it or legitimize it?
I get that rigid gender roles run rampant in our culture. I'm certainly not blind to that. But I guess I just fail to see the necessity of saying "I got so much flack here on M15 for doing this style of parenting, so let me make a post to legitimize all my decisions and make myself feel better than everyone else."
I don't know. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things today. But I just don't get the necessity of this thread.
Editing to add: I think I'm trying to say the same thing Pele said, and just failing miserably at it, lol.
100% agree!!! You summed up my thoughts on the subject perfectly!
All that said, it's nice to see what was a little odd (in liberal Boston suburbs) becoming more mainstream. I still turned out to be a girly girl, but can do just about anything on my own (dealing with dead mice is still a man's job, though I have reluctantly taken care of those as well). As long as nothing is forced, I think this stuff produces well rounded people.
Edit: autocorrect
Where is the line drawn? Is being gender stereo type neutral if I buy my son barbies and transformers? Do we live in a gender neutral household because I make the money, work in a traditionally male field and own all the property and make final decisions and my H works in a traditionally female field? He does most of the housework and we share whatever house repairs we don't contract out. All the time my nails are done and sometimes I'm wearing a dress. I shovel snow in a down skirt.
Really, I just want my son to have great role models and to be loved - and to know he is loved. I want him to do what he loves - not because he has to prove that boys can do anything girls can do, not do something big just because he has a penis, but because he gets true joy. I'm not going to put a tutu on him even though I like them - but I'll make him one - or teach him to make one if he wants. I think I am going to get him a snuggakitty swing because we love cats. I'm not trying to be anything but loving.
I did not read the link provided because it wouldnt load for me, I just wanted to say my part. My DH thinks he agrees with GNP, but only talks about our son in masculine context.
i know some PPs think GNP is common sense or "just parenting", but I disagree. I agree it SHOULD be common sense, but sadly its not always. I'm a dollar section junky, even though I know it will be a good year or two before my DS can use crayons/markers, and 3 years be for other forms of crafts, I will still buy those glitter pens on clearance! Anyways, my DH often turns around and says "why would my son need glitter. Get him some dinosaur stickers or something." Well one day, he will want to make mommy a picture and he knows mommy likes glitter. Or maybe DS himself will like glitter!
Point being, someone needs to provide the child with the opportunity to decide for themselves.
B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17
I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Oh yes, I agree with this 100%. C and I are lesbians, after all, so we're going to need for our son to take care of us when we're old and frail
We may be almighty women now but one day we're going to have a hard time reaching things off the top of the fridge, opening doors with our arms full, or freaking out about breaking our hips on the ice.
I don't care what my kids do otherwise, but they WILL be courteous regardless of their sex. My son will open doors, pull out chairs, offer to assist women and the elderly with heavy packages, and will offer his seat to a woman or child on public transport. My gay male friends do all these things, too. If you've got a penis that means you have power and privilege. The least you can do is carry my damned suitcase for me.
I just call it good parenting.
And nobody had any outcry over you letting your kid play with whatever toy or wear whatever clothes he or she wants. Seeing as most people I meet on this board do the same thing, why would anyone get pissy?
For SuzyQ and all March 15 loss moms
B born 7/15/13, C born 3/2/15, #3 on the way May '17
I’m a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been up linked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond! I’m new wave, but I’m old school and my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive and from time to time I’m radioactive.
Lol @ that kid with cancer my exh used to ask the same thing. I feel so bad for little Rosie he's such a dick to her