FTM questions for STM+

zbornak123 · November 2014

Ok - these questions might be pretty dumb and basic, but I really need some simple clarifications on the first few weeks/months of life.

Sleeping - So newborns don't just go right into a crib, right? There seems to be a bassinet involved which is like a little antique basket from what I picture in my mind. Lots of lace on it. Ok but seriously, how long does the baby sleep in the bassinet, and where does it sleep? Right next to my bed? At the foot of the bed like a dog (kidding)? Or in the nursery? I saw that bassinets were ranked in the "wants" and not the "needs" on a lot of baby item lists. And honest question: can't I just turn a laundry basket into a bassinet? Note to self to pinterest this concept later.

Waking - I am going to be off work for a few months at least, and I will be the only one getting up with the baby to feed/change/whatever it needs for at least 4 days a week (the days DH has work in the morning.) How do you all manage this without waking the other person up? Is the baby in the room with you? If so, it wakes you both when it cries, right? Same thing with a baby monitor I would think. I understand that the kid is gonna cry and there is nothing me or DH can do about it, he might just have to deal with waking up and just trying to fall back to sleep. We have a bed in our guest room, and I'm wondering if I should sleep there with the baby for that first month or so. Although my mom will be staying with us, and I'm sure the last thing the stressed relationship of new parents needs is the wife bunking with her mother down the hall, haha.

I saw some co-sleeping pod attachment things that go onto a bed but a.) not sure they will work on our high big-ass memory foam and b.) once again crying baby right next to DH who works early. Before someone tells DH to suck it up and deal, he will be the only one working for a while, and the kind of work he does requires a lot of fine detail and concentration. I really don't want him working sleep deprived for safety reasons.

I guess this boils down to: What do I put the baby in and where, specifically at night, and specifically in those first few weeks.

Thanks in advance for any insight or answers to my rookie questions.

lauranicole91 · November 2014

Having and using a bassinet/Rock n play/pack n play vs going straight to crib is a personal preference. We used the RnP for 5 months at my bed side and the PnP in the corner of our room for another month. Then she went to her crib in her nursery.

I guess I feel lucky when I realize not everyone shares the same concept as my husband did about middle of the night wakings . Just because I wasn't working outside of our home during those first few weeks, didn't mean I wasn't working. He would get up every single waking. He changed her diaper and I fed her. We alternated rocking back to sleep if it was necessary. So I don't have tips on letting your precious, not to be disturbed, husband sleep. Sorry.

a316b · November 2014

My daughter was in a bassinet/mini co sleeper for first 9 wks. Then into crib.

My son lasted 2 nights in the mini co sleeper and then we transferred him.

I plan on buying a rock n play for this one- and as soon as we have a new house, she will sleep in her own room. If we have house before she's born- she'll go right into crib

a316b · November 2014

As for not waking hubby... Why does he get to sleep?

lala5507 · November 2014

Our first dd slept in her crib from night 1. Granted she was only sleeping for an hour at a time so it wasn't like she was in her room for hours hours. The night waking thing is something you and your dh need to discuss. During the first couple of crazy weeks dh got up and helped me. Our oldest had colic and I could not do that alone.

SassyPants150 · November 2014

We tried the bassinet and found that DD slept best the in the RnP. After the first 3ish weeks, DD got on a pretty good schedule. I would stay up until 12-12:30ish to feed DD her last night bottle and she then usually slept until 4:30-5:30. DH got up with her then and nap if she went back to sleep before getting ready for work. I took the RnP downstairs during the day and then brought it up just after midnight. I was so tired it never bothered me when DH got up at 4:30-5:30. I got to sleep until around 7:45 when he left for work. I'm pretty sure we took turns before that.

Obviously, that sounds easy because we had a good sleeper. I was recommended the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" and call it a lifesaver. Other than just "sleep training", it talks about about the less obvious signs of tired in small babies and it really helped me learn the cues. I have recommended the book to my other friends with newborns as well. Getting on a good sleep schedule if you can helps make more consistencies for how you manage your waking/sleeping with DH.

@lauranicole91‌ I LOLed about the precious husband sleeping comment. At first my husband said he wouldn't get up at all since he had to go to work until I explained while he was working I was taking care of a newborn and if I didn't get to rest at all when was I supposed to sleep? In the 3 hours between him being home from work and going to bed?!

zbornak123 · November 2014

lauranicole91 and AFwifelife said, I would rather me get up alone 4 nights out of the week than have him make a mistake that could hurt someone else, himself, both, or cause him to loose his license or get sued. You bet your boppy pillow his ass will be up the other 3 nights with me or solo!

petrichor10 thats true, I hadn't even thought that he could just go on the couch. ha! pretty simple solution too. Also, there's a chance we'll be traveling a bit in the first month, so something portable would be good for us too, thanks!

Thanks for all the replies too! It's giving me some stuff to look in to.

zbornak123 · November 2014

SassyPants150 thanks for the book recc! I'll be checking it out!

zbornak123 · November 2014

AFwifelife I probably won't do a laundry basket. I can imagine something going wrong and the baby getting its hand/foot/face/clothing stuck in one of the holes in the basket.

Snapdragon750 · November 2014

1. Most people start with a bassinet, rock n play, moses basket, pack n play, or the swing or car seat (especially colicky babies) in the bedroom for the first few months and then switch to the crib in the nursery, unless you're co-sleeping. You can really start with the crib. You can put the bassinet at the foot of the bed or next to the bed, whatever makes sense in your room. Don't use a laundry basket; I don't know how you'll be able to outfit that without making it a SIDS risk.

2. Your H will wake up, but he'll go back to sleep. If he wakes up at all! My H slept through a shocking number of baby wakeups. If your H has a really hard time getting back to sleep, and if it's interfering with his work, you might consider a different solution, but for the most part I'd think he can just go back to sleep. I would recommend feeding the baby in a different room and closing the door behind you when you leave your bedroom. (And everyone chill with the hostility toward her H for sleeping. She said she doesn't want her H sleep deprived for safety reasons. Seems reasonable to me.)

I second the recommendation for "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Lifesaver. I bought it when my baby was about 5 weeks old, and I logged her sleep at about 11 total hours a day. After a week of doing what the book said (and no this did not include "cry it out" at this age, despite the reputation that book has), she was sleeping 18 total hours. My kids both STTN before 3 months old. Could not recommend it more highly.

happyfarmwife10 · November 2014

My daughter slept in a bassinet near my side of the bed for 3 months. When she awoke because it was time to eat, I would walk down the hall to her nursery and sit in my rocker while she nursed. Then we came back in and I laid her time. A lot of times she fell back asleep after nursing so the transition wasn't bad. I think it in the beginning it's jut important to be able to get to them quickly to avoid a full blown fit. That said, you will wake several times through the night just to check on them and having them in the room is much more reasuring.

At 3 months I just listened on the monitor and went in there and fed as usual.

My husband is/was a light sleeper and it worked for us just fine.

Good luck finding what works for you. Every baby is different and every mom.

tiggyt · November 2014

FTM, but I'll tell you what we plan on doing based on what I watched my mom do with my little brother who was born when I was 12.

Our "nursery" has a twin bed in it. (Really it's an office/guest room and soon it will have a crib in it.) When my surprise brother was born, my parents just set up the crib in the existing guest room for the first few months before making an actual nursery, and during the first few weeks when brother was waking up all the time, my mom slept in the guest room. She said that *she* got a lot more sleep sleeping in the nursery than she did for my other brother and me when we slept in the other room. This is what we plan on doing too. I don't worry about disturbing my husband's sleep so much as I don't see the point of it. Since I will be breastfeeding, I will *have* to get up each time, regardless of whether or not DH gets up, too. I think he can help me far more during the day with cleaning, cooking, or playing with an awake baby while I take naps, if he is well-rested. No point in us both being zombies for six weeks IMO.

katiebug66 · November 2014

I haven't seen anyone mention this yet but DH and I took turns. That way one person was getting good sleep for one whole night. You will lose your mind if you don't get some help with nights. There are not words for how sleep deprived you will be and how poor it can make you feel. Then of course the hormones.

Leslie2003 · November 2014

Our babies have slept in a cosleeper attached to our bed. We have the leg extenders to get it to the right height.

DH sleeps through all kid noise. I literally have to shove him off the bed to wake him. He just isn't intune to the baby like I am.

I prefer the babies in our room as night time feedings are frequent as are the wake ups - if baby was in the crib I would never get any sleep.

littlecookie · November 2014

katiebug66 said:
I haven't seen anyone mention this yet but DH and I took turns. That way one person was getting good sleep for one whole night. You will lose your mind if you don't get some help with nights. There are not words for how sleep deprived you will be and how poor it can make you feel. Then of course the hormones.

Meh, I'm another who let my H sleep unless I needed something. I nursed, so trading off wouldn't really get me a full night's sleep as I would have to wake up to pump to maintain my supply anyway. I didn't change diapers overnight unless it was poop, so during most wake ups there wouldn't really be much for him to do. I was tired for sure at the beginning, but that phase didn't last terribly long and I did sleep during the day often while he slept during that time.

OP, I do think that you (and your h) often just learn to go back to sleep easier during that time. So I never worried about him being disturbed by LO's wake ups.

beaseg · November 2014

1. If you can, try to put baby in the crib from the start! I think MOST babies prefer a RNP, bassinet or something smaller that makes them feel a little more secure, but if you can convince your munchkin to do a crib from the get go- you could POTENTIALLY be saving yourself a lot of grief when it comes time to transfer baby out of crib. For us, it took 15 MONTHS!!!! OMG. But we sucked. We never did cry it out, we were the weakest humans and if she so much as whined, we gave in and put her where she wanted (in the bed with us). So- do your best to be strong and if you can, go straight to the crib!

1b. - Side note- if you plan to breastfeed, a smaller item like a RNP will make things easier for you. Keep it right next to the bed (where you might typically keep a nightstand or something) and you can scoop baby up without getting up, nurse, and plop baby back down. Easy Peasy.

2. Your hubby will most likely wake, but he'll be tired and hopefully go right back to sleep. I think using the guest room is a great idea. My friend's husband is a cop and she didn't want him going to work sleep deprived so she did that. You might think "oh, that's sad- sleeping a month or so without my hubby" but when you're at that point, it's genearlly "oh dear lord, sleep!" and you don't really care if it's a rhino or channing tatum next to you.

What we did with our first was RNP next to me - at night, DH got up and changed her while I got myself up and positioned (I nursed, so would grab water and snack and the boppy and the laptop to watch a show, since she would nurse for about 45 mins!). After her change, he passed out while I stayed up to nurse. Then when she fell asleep, I'd put her in the RNP and pass out. We did this for the first 4 months, then after many failed PNP and crib transition attempts- we just kept her in our bed. I do not recommend this. We loved it and it worked for us, but our goal for this baby is:

Co-sleeper for first 3 months, then transition to PNP in our room until 6 months. At 6 months, in his own crib in his own room.

They say the chance for SIDS is lower if baby sleeps in the same room as it's parents for the first 6 months, and since I nurse and they often still need night feedings until close to this age - I keep them in my room. But that's personal preference mixed with a lot of irrational fears.

JC714 · November 2014

Get yourself a copy of the book " What to Expect the First Year" it will be a valuable resource.

OnceInLoveWithAmy · November 2014

Like PP said, where the baby sleeps is a personal preference. I know a few people who has the baby in the crib since Day 1. We did the rock n play in our room for the first 4 weeks out of sheer convenience. After I got more comfortable with nursing (and we realized the monster was keeping us away with his noisy sleeping), we moved him into his crib.

As far as my husband sleeping-- I kept the monitor on my side of the bed, but he would get up too. I would nurse and he would do diaper change.

Linds1083 · November 2014

It depends a lot on your baby and situation. Our DD slept in a bassinet (next to my side of the bed) for the first 3 weeks. We borrowed the bassinet from a friend. I bf so it was nice to have her close to feed her. I didn't even have to get out of bed to scoop her up and feed her. Once she was 3 weeks old, she become too noisy. I was waking up throughout the night thinking she was awake when she really wasn't. We put her in her crib with the monitor on and she has slept there ever since. She's slept through the night (8 hours stretch) since 4 weeks old, and now sleeps 12 hours at night. She's 15 months. I found that she developed a strong sleep association with her crib due to sleeping in it from an early age. This was great for my husband and I, as we like to sleep. We really weren't sleep deprived for very long. About 3 weeks from the day she was born and things were pretty good at night. Everyone has different opinions, but I think that if you let your baby sleep in your arms or in your bed, it can take a very long time to break the cycle. It's precious at first, but think about how long you plan on it being your norm if baby decides he/she likes it! When always put DD to bed when she was sleepy (not fully asleep) and let her fall asleep on her own.

Your DH will get very good at going back to sleep. Maybe once your Mom leaves you can spend some of the nights in the guest bedroom so that your DH can sleep uninterrupted.

jeep1019 · November 2014

I agree with what others have said. I know it's a lot to consider but in time you will figure out what works best for you and your baby. I liked having baby in the bassinet in our room since I was breastfeeding and I felt better knowing she was so close. My husband hardly ever woke up when she did - maybe your hubby will adjust quickly and it won't be a problem. But some people can't sleep with the baby in the room due to all the little noises they make and start them right off in the crib. There is no right or wrong answer, whatever you feel comfortable with and works for you!!

JustMoiAgain · November 2014

We put our baby into his crib right away, his room is literally 5 steps from my bed! As for SO sleeping, my DH would stay up until 12-1 am, depending on the feeding, I would go to bed between 930 and 10. This allowed me to get a few uninterrupted hours and he stayed asleep during the night........He would get up if I was having a hard time mind you, so he was never fully asleep......He would also let me sleep in on the weekend, so it was a trade off! ........Find what works best for the both of you, compromises will ensure you both get a fair chance at sleep!

lscarborough · November 2014

Like other posters have said, the sleep situation with baby is a personal preference. My son went in to his crib night one. He was right across the hall and was waking frequently so I felt comfortable. Plus, I really felt like if he was in my room that I would obsess over every little sound he made and wouldn't get any sleep at all. With this one I bet we do the same thing but if our (read my) comfort level isn't there right off the bat then he/she will be in a pack n play in our room until we are ready. As for DH's waking... I understand your reasoning but have no experience in this area. My son was a May baby and my husband is a teacher. He was able to take the last two weeks of the school year off in paternity leave and then was home the remainder of my maternity leave. During the first couple weeks we both got up and then as we settled in to a routine and our son wasn't waking as often we started switching off who got up for each feeding which allowed the other to sleep a little longer. You are pretty tired those first couple of weeks and going back to sleep isn't hard.

kac22 · November 2014

lauranicole91 said:

I guess I feel lucky when I realize not everyone shares the same concept as my husband did about middle of the night wakings . Just because I wasn't working outside of our home during those first few weeks, didn't mean I wasn't working. He would get up every single waking. He changed her diaper and I fed her. We alternated rocking back to sleep if it was necessary. So I don't have tips on letting your precious, not to be disturbed, husband sleep. Sorry.

This for us too, we took turns for the MOTN feedings and what not. I tried to do it alone at first and quickly became a person no one wanted to be around..I love my sleep and am one of those people that needs it. DH also quickly realized that my job of staying home with a colicky newborn was just as taxing if not more than his. So he said he would rather us both be a little tired than one of us be completely miserable

manacita · November 2014

Ok- the only thing I have to add is that if you transition from co sleeping or bed sharing between 4 and 5 months, it is much easier than if you wait until after 6 months. And if you have baby nap in their crib, the night sleeping transition will be even easier.

Ps-my husband sleeps through both kids and is total crap at helping during the night. You ladies make me so jealous of your helpful husbands!

zbornak123 · November 2014

Glad to keep hearing that this is a personal preference. I was worried that it was an "everyone knows this but me" situation. Thanks gals!

CateOfChicago · November 2014

As others said, it's total preference. I kept dd1 in my room in a p&p until 2 months. DH had no problem sleeping through her waking up or falling back to sleep. I went into her nursery to feed her bc that is where the chair is. I moved her to her crib only bc it gets really cold in our room during the winter. It forced me into it, which was good.

LexiSophie55 · November 2014

AFwifelife said:

a316b said:

As for not waking hubby... Why does he get to sleep?

I can understand her not wanting to disturb her husband. DH has never been up for a MOTN wakeup. He flies multi-million dollar jets with inexperienced students. I would greatly prefer being sleep deprived vs. having a sleep deprived DH go off to work and have an accident or worse.

Yep, I breastfed for 12 months in the MOTN. He drives 1.5 hours one way to work, and the roads are not always the nicest (Minnesota) - please sleep honey. I can manage.

BUT - if I get home from work at 5 and need an hour nap - he was all his!

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