Unsolicited Advice for FTMs goes here!

HChad · November 2014

Thank you STM's!!!! I'm a FTM and more than a little intimidated.

I have one major fear and I don't know how to bring it up to my DH. This will be his second child. He was the primary caregiver for his DD and is really excited to have all the firsts again. I'm afraid he's going to take over. I know he'll be doing anything and everything out of love, but I'm afraid. One example, I want to BF and he wants to use formula. I finally asked him why and he said he doesn't want to be left out. I reminded him breast milk can go in a bottle too. He was relieved with that, but I'm afraid of disagreements. How should I handle this?

matiekae · November 2014

Thank you for all your insight! So many things I would never have thought about.

balderasmama · November 2014

HChad said:
Thank you STM's!!!! I'm a FTM and more than a little intimidated.

I have one major fear and I don't know how to bring it up to my DH. This will be his second child. He was the primary caregiver for his DD and is really excited to have all the firsts again. I'm afraid he's going to take over. I know he'll be doing anything and everything out of love, but I'm afraid. One example, I want to BF and he wants to use formula. I finally asked him why and he said he doesn't want to be left out. I reminded him breast milk can go in a bottle too. He was relieved with that, but I'm afraid of disagreements. How should I handle this?

Maybe you could kindly explain that you are so excited to do this together and make sure that you both are being heard. It will be easier to have this conversation before rather then when an issue comes up. Then when the issue comes up you can reference that conversation. Be super positive about what a great dad he is and how you are super excited to be a great mom, but how things may be different since he is now with you instead of his first child's mom. Good luck!

balderasmama · November 2014

This is my fourth baby, and I think I finally have this thing figured out for just myself, lol. Enjoy every moment because they go by too fast. One day your baby will not want to be held anymore and you will be sad. Savor the night time feedings and times they won't let you put them down. When you have that mind set things appear differently. You may think you will have more kids, but sometimes things change and this may be your only time to do this.
Don't let the pressure other people put on you make you miserable. With my first I was so worried that he wouldn't sleep in his own bed that I stressed out and couldn't enjoy our time cosleeping. When I looked back I realized it wasn't because I didn't like cosleeping, it's because people made me think it was wrong. You do what you have to do to survive.
Make sure what you buy can be returned if the baby doesn't like it. Don't wash the babies clothes until they are ready for that size. I wasted a ton of 3-6 months stuff because my son basically skipped that size.
TAKE ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET. If your mother in law wants to clean your house, let her. If your friend wants to bring you dinner, let her. If your sister wants to watch the baby so you can take a nap, for the love, let her! It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a genius.
Enjoy every moment, the day's become weeks, and months, and then years. My first baby is now 8 and up to my shoulder. I would do anything to go back to his baby days. This baby (#4) will be held probably more then all the rest because he or she is my last.

Schnurette · November 2014

Can I start referring third parties to this...like "hey random lady who seems like she's about to give me advice, let me give you a website to use"

That said - try to take it easy on people who are giving you advice. I'm not saying take the advice (honestly, 99.9% of the advice I was given was just completely useless) but likewise, 99.9% of those people were just trying to be helpful.

My advice is to always keep in mind - you have to do what you have to do to make it work. If that means that you need to hire a sitter to look after baby (and possibly toddler) for a few hours so you can get some sleep or catch up on housework, do it. If you have to order takeout (or are making a boxed dinner of some sort) for the third night in a row because you are exhausted and can't even begin to contemplate making a proper dinner, do it. Seriously, it's a temporary situation, and all of these things will be temporary fixes. Things will get back to normal (or at least your new normal) faster than you think so don't worry about the little things you have to do to get by for the time being.

willowprincess · November 2014

ilovelucyv said:

carolyngrace said:

A close friend (and a FTM) with a 3 month old just told me: "Just tell them you're feeling depressed right away, even if you're not, so you have the meds. There's nothing worse than realizing you're super depressed and now you have to pick up the meds and wait a week for them to kick in."

With a hx of PPD in my family, I'm totally doing this.

Ehhh. I am fortunate enough to have not had PPD with my first LO, but I really do not believe you should start taking PPD meds unless you actually have PPD. If your family has a history of any other disease would you start taking the meds because you might have the disease someday? An extreme example, but I do not believe in taking any meds that you don't need. How would you know if you actually needed the PPD meds if you started taking them right away?

I don't think they are talking about taking them right away. Just having them on hand.

Ravenclaw314 · November 2014

willowprincess said:

ilovelucyv said:

carolyngrace said:

A close friend (and a FTM) with a 3 month old just told me: "Just tell them you're feeling depressed right away, even if you're not, so you have the meds. There's nothing worse than realizing you're super depressed and now you have to pick up the meds and wait a week for them to kick in."

With a hx of PPD in my family, I'm totally doing this.

Ehhh. I am fortunate enough to have not had PPD with my first LO, but I really do not believe you should start taking PPD meds unless you actually have PPD. If your family has a history of any other disease would you start taking the meds because you might have the disease someday? An extreme example, but I do not believe in taking any meds that you don't need. How would you know if you actually needed the PPD meds if you started taking them right away?

I don't think they are talking about taking them right away. Just having them on hand.

----text block fail - - - -

Even still, lying to your doctor about your mental health just to get a "just in case" prescription drug, well ... Other than being immoral, isn't that illegal?
I have PPD. It's a serious condition and should be taken that way.

junch817 · November 2014

I had SEVERE PPD with my daughter. I've had depression 2x before that in my past. I am so nervous about it happening again and I 100% want to be prepared, and so does my doctor. Like PP said, it can take 2 weeks for the meds to start working and with PPD, every single minute is a struggle. My doctor told me she will gladly "refill" my prescription (I am no longer on it) right after having baby so I can begin taking it, even the next day if I want. I personally will likely wait until the first sign of more than the "blues" begins. But she told me, with my past history of having depression BEFORE kids, and having specifically PPD with my first, it is extremely likely to return and be even worse, trying to balance motherhood between 2 children and dealing with mommy guilt and missing out on time with your older kids.

But I 1000% agree that PPD is a serious condition and should be treated that way. I do NOT believe in lying to get the meds, but I do believe in doctors allowing us to be prepared. If I take these safe meds that I have taken before, and can avoid what were the worst days of my life, and never have to feel that way, never feel those negative feelings, never have to say some of the worst things I have ever said, then I will be grateful. But I can understand that not everyone would agree with the med situation. You have to do what makes you and your doctor comfortable.

Edited spelling and such

junch817 · November 2014

Also, I think of it as a woman that chooses to have her breasts removed because the likelihood of her developing breast cancer is so high. I think Angelina Jolie did that? That's about as extreme as you can get, cutting of part of your perfectly healthy body to prevent something from happening.

ETA I don't want to take over this thread for advice for FTM with a big debate. Just wanted to add my thoughts to the PPD discussion, which started out as advice.

junch817 · November 2014

asutherl said:

junch817 said:
Also, I think of it as a woman that chooses to have her breasts removed because the likelihood of her developing breast cancer is so high. I think Angelina Jolie did that? That's about as extreme as you can get, cutting of part of your perfectly healthy body to prevent something from happening.

ETA I don't want to take over this thread for advice for FTM with a big debate. Just wanted to add my thoughts to the PPD discussion, which started out as advice.
Double mastectomy if you have certain mutations is medically recommended. Not extreme practice. She should've actually had her ovaries out too if you follow the medical literature.

But i agree. Let's not hijack this thread. It's a really good one

Agreed!

junch817 · November 2014

Here's something I didn't know after having baby and was shocked...not really advice, but a heads up ....

That line that you may get on your belly? The linea nigra? It will eventually just flake away and rub off, like it is dirt or something!! I couldn't believe it. One day you'll be taking a shower and look down and see part of it rubbing away as you wash your belly...weird! I just expected it to fade away or something; nope!

jjbdvm · November 2014

@junch817‌ WTF? Jeez, thanks for that heads up.

I read Pregnancy Sucks and was SHOCKED at all the stuff nobody will tell you. Keep it coming- I wanna know what the heck I'm in for...

tinavonsparkle · November 2014

These are all brilliant - thank you and keep them coming! x

NoeliaV · November 2014

junch817 said:

Here's something I didn't know after having baby and was shocked...not really advice, but a heads up .... That line that you may get on your belly? The linea nigra? It will eventually just flake away and rub off, like it is dirt or something!! I couldn't believe it. One day you'll be taking a shower and look down and see part of it rubbing away as you wash your belly...weird! I just expected it to fade away or something; nope!

Mine still hasn't completely gone away. It's a lot lighter, but definitely still there. :-S

junch817 · November 2014

NoeliaV said:

junch817 said:

Here's something I didn't know after having baby and was shocked...not really advice, but a heads up ....

That line that you may get on your belly? The linea nigra? It will eventually just flake away and rub off, like it is dirt or something!! I couldn't believe it. One day you'll be taking a shower and look down and see part of it rubbing away as you wash your belly...weird! I just expected it to fade away or something; nope!

Mine still hasn't completely gone away. It's a lot lighter, but definitely still there. :-S

~~~~~dang quote box hates me~~~~~~

Really?? I assumed they all went away! My belly is covered with stretch marks now so I suppose if mine doesn't go away this time (assuming I will get it again), I won't even care because it already looks gross!

NoeliaV · November 2014

@junch817 Maybe it's the two other pregnancies in under 24m post-delivery for me? I used to scrub at it occasionally, but have given up now. Like I said, it's a lot lighter so not very noticeable unless you know it's there.

Ah well.

M&D06 · November 2014

If your baby is having a rough day/night, and just won't stop crying, and you feel like you're going to lose it, just put the baby in the crib and walk away. The baby will be in a safe place and you can just take a few minutes to breathe..it's ok to let them cry for that time. Don't feel like you're neglecting them or being mean for doing it. You need to take care of yourself, too.

Definitely accept help if offered! I have a hard time with that one because I like to feel like I can do it all myself. I've learned that I can't do it all myself all the time and it's ok to admit it.

And, about the linea negra thing, omg it really DOES scrub off a bit after a few days, lol! Some of them also take a really long time to go away. I've gotten them with my first 3 pregnancies and my lines have hung around for a good year after before really starting to fade.

I agree with asking the hospital for extra supplies. The ice packs and numbing spray are amazing!

HChad · November 2014

Thank you! I've been thinking I'm over reacting (which I probably am, LOL). But I am scared at the same time. I talked to DH last night and he was shocked I was even thinking about it. Which is a huge relief.

mccall35 · November 2014

genepoolperfect said:
Happiest Baby on the Block= lifesaver
Dr. Karp’s Five “S’s” For Calming A Fussy Baby:
Swaddling
Side/stomach position
Swinging
Shushing
Sucking
Also work out an overnight schedule with your spouse. They still have to get up and to work at a reasonable hour, but that doesn't mean they don't get any overnight duty! We couldn't breastfeed so our overnight schedule was much easier than if we were breastfeeding but here's what we did. DH got crying/wet/hungry baby from when we put him to bed until 11pm, then he was done until 4am, giving him a solid block of 5 hours sleep. I went to bed early, like 8 or 9ish, so I had a couple hours in, then was "on duty" for the 11-4 shift, and then slept from 4 until DH left for work.
AND we alternated weekends. One of us would get the baby the entire night, but as soon as 6am rolled around, it was the other's turn and whoever was "on duty" got undisturbed time until 10am. And I say undisturbed meaning you could sleep, go get a massage, you time, whatever. DS is 20months now and we still do this. It is so great. Not sure how well it will hold up with 2 kids, but with 1 it was perfect.

Great advice! We did a similar thing, only I was BFing so it took a bit more maneuvering (i.e we introduced pumped BM at 6 weeks).

Also, were you part of the March 2013 BMB, I think I remember your picture!

Schnurette · November 2014

junch817 said:

Here's something I didn't know after having baby and was shocked...not really advice, but a heads up .... That line that you may get on your belly? The linea nigra? It will eventually just flake away and rub off, like it is dirt or something!! I couldn't believe it. One day you'll be taking a shower and look down and see part of it rubbing away as you wash your belly...weird! I just expected it to fade away or something; nope!

Ugh what?! I never got this with DD and I am super uncomfortable about this whoooole thing!

I thought of something else - as someone who had never had stitches or staples or anything like that before (the worst I'd ever done was cut my eyebrow open on my car door once, and I had a panic attack when they said they were going to stitch it so they glued it instead) - it TOTALLY doesn't hurt getting them pulled out. I had staples for my c-section and was all freaked out because I had assumed they would numb the area or something and the nurse was like, "nah, you won't even notice" aaaaand I didn't. So that was cool.

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