Unsolicited Advice for FTMs goes here!

matiekae

Hey ladies!!

There was a thread like this on April2015 that I thoroughly enjoyed for the short time I was there. It was a great opportunity for any 2+ mammas to share things with FTMs that maybe no one told them without being specifically asked about it. It ranged from emotional/physical changes and "must have" items to delivery recovery and beyond. I found it was very entertaining and informative, and I welcome anything you have to offer TIA!!

Mama-Bear

Most of the crap you buy is unnecessary.

Listen to yourself.  It doesn't matter how many kids someone else has raised, YOU are the mom and this is YOUR turn to try and succeed at some things, and fail at others.

Your baby WILL fall off of the sofa or bed at some point.  Don't worry, you're going to be more upset than they will (sure they'll cry, but it'll be more from being scared than hurt).  

Things that seem important now will seem insignificant when your baby is born.  

AmyCee

Save your money for activities and memberships - use facebook yard sales and exchanges for baby toys (cubes, play gyms, jumperoos) or better yet borrow from a friend. Frequent visits to a zoo or children's museum are better for you both!

If your husband/partner starts complaining about the amount of time you spend on the bump - take a break - if your seeking the bump to pretend you don't have issues at home seek help. My DH and I were in a terrible place for my first pregnancy. Instead of dealing with them I let myself get sucked in here...many hours of therapy later - we are stronger than when we got married and happily enjoying this pregnancy together! I love the bump for advice and some cattiness - but generally, I try to bump when he's working or sleeping.

notquiteblushing

Don't buy any cute outfits until your kid is here, you know their size and they can sit independently - so like 6ish months after birth.  I mean, sure, buy some, but don't spend more than $20 because it's a waste and you will just feel annoyed they never got to wear it or wore it but no one saw them because they were wrapped up in a blanket etc.

Don't make yourself crazy trying to get stuff done before the baby gets here.  The baby needs nothing you can't pick up at Target on the way home from the hospital.  They really don't need much except diapers, a boob or a bottle for the first couple of months.

Make your parents and inlaws get the flu shot.  Even though our kiddos aren't coming until June it's just a good exercise in drawing boundaries and exercising your parental autonomy.

Let your partner parent his (her) way.  You are in this together.  Calm your anxious mom tongue.  If you insist on doing everything from Day 1 you'll still be doing everything on Day 600.

I probably have more.

BabyList

Don't be so hard on yourself when mommyhood doesn't look like it does in your head now. I said I would never do a lot of things, and got down on myself when those things didn't work out. Don't be so hard on yourself and never say never. Being a mom is a full time job and sometimes you have to break some of your "I'll nevers" to keep your sanity. Don't be judgy of the other moms that do things you would never do.
Also, read your car seat manuals! They are very informative and you will have your baby the safest while traveling. And if another person gives you advice on how to keep your baby safe in their car seat, just take it instead of defending what you are doing. People are worried about your child, not bashing your parenting skills. No one is a perfect parent.

ElleJDubs

Learn how to use your car seat correctly. Get the installation checked by a professional. The chest clip goes on the chest (armpit level) rear facing till at least 1 AND 20 lbs, not when they hit one or the other- it's the law ( My 28 month old is still RF). Do not put the infant car seat on top of the shopping cart, yes, even if you hear it click. It is not made for that and babies have died from getting knocked off.

ETA: The Car seat Lady is an AMAZING resource on this stuff!

junch817

Yes yes yes about the car seat stuff. It is so important. If someone tells you are doing it incorrectly, don't let it feel like insult...take it as, thank God this person corrected me. With winter approaching, my FB newsfeed is full of pictures of kids in their seat with incorrect chest clip positions, belts sliding off the tops of shoulders, and huge coats....big no nos.

tiffbot1985

Pregnant: Listen to your body. At 32 weeks pregnant I was torn and feeling horrible at the fact that I had to ask my boss if I could start working every second day. I couldn't do it anymore, and thought, why am I being such a baby?? Women always work up to their due date! Be tougher!
And then at 33w3d I was in the hospital while my baby was down in NICU. It all happened so fast, and after 2 days of my new work schedule. Everything leading up to that made a lot more sense!

Post baby: you are sometimes going to have days you cry all day and you don't know why. It's ok. I've been there, I'll be there again. Motherhood is the craziest, best thing I've ever done, but totally humbling and confusing. You'll do just fine!

Mama-Bear

Just a note on the car seats - if someone says you're doing something wrong, go back to your manual.  Many car seats require the handle to be down, but not all do.  I had one of the few that said it was safe up or down while driving.  I've read so many snotty posts about how appalled a mom will be by seeing a handle sticking up in a car driving next to her, how on Earth could she risk her baby's life *gasp*.  

honeybunches101

Don't judge other parents, or yourself! There were a LOT of things I was sure of before I had kids. I was going to make all home made organic puréed baby food - turns out my son hated purees and we just gave him food from our plate, sometimes even processed food! I was going to shower every day and do all the laundry and clean up since I would be home full time. Hahahahah. My colicy baby cried non stop and nursed every hour, I was lucky if I showered twice a week and our place was a mess! Same with all meals together as a family, no TV before 2, and countless other things.

I never realized how much a child's personality would change all my plans. I have friends with perfectly behaved babies who are convinced it is there excellent parenting that got their kids sleeping through the night at 6 weeks or napping on a set schedule. I'm pretty convinced it's mostly luck! So don't be hard on yourself if nothing goes according to plan, and definitely don't judge other parents who do things differently.

But please do figure out how to use your car seat!

sassypants2010

Buy a bundle me for winter months to keep baby warm and prevent hot cold shock (my friends baby had a seizure from going in and out of stores for xmas shopping). A travel system could save you some time since the carseat clips into the stroller for easier travel, even if just grocery shopping.

Octobr9bride

Get a rock and play for the first 8-12 weeks and get a miracle blanket for swaddling. It looks like a straight jacket but will be a lifesaver. If you think your baby doesn't like it, swaddle anyway and give it five minutes. It was a godsend for my two. If you're going to cloth diaper, wait to see what works for your baby before buying a ton of diapers. Our son had a reaction to one type...

BabyList

firelizard89 said:

Buy a bundle me for winter months to keep baby warm and prevent hot cold shock (my friends baby had a seizure from going in and out of stores for xmas shopping). A travel system could save you some time since the carseat clips into the stroller for easier travel, even if just grocery shopping.

Do not get the type of bundle me that goes between baby and the car seat. Those are unsafe. Buy the type that wrap around the carrier like a shower cap.

erinanderik

When you are at the hospital, nicely ask the nurse for extra take-home postpartum goodies. The mesh underwear, giant pads etc. My nurse gave me a huge bag full and I used everything! As long as you are polite they are usually happy to accommodate

kgille921

Thanks for all the thoughts ladies!

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

littlechemist

These are all fantastic ladies - thank you for sharing your hard-earned wisdom and experiences! I'm looking forward to what others have to add as well.

notquiteblushing

BabyList said:

Buy a bundle me for winter months to keep baby warm and prevent hot cold shock (my friends baby had a seizure from going in and out of stores for xmas shopping). A travel system could save you some time since the carseat clips into the stroller for easier travel, even if just grocery shopping.

Do not get the type of bundle me that goes between baby and the car seat. Those are unsafe. Buy the type that wrap around the carrier like a shower cap.

This is the one I have:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00640G4FU/ref=twister_B0063Y1P88?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

in case anyone wants to see what the "shower cap" idea looks like.  There's cheaper ones out here but I walked him to day car in his car seat attached to the stroller so I wanted something toasty.

opheliacantswim

Don't buy the hype about needing 8 million things in your hospital bag, either.  You will see hospital lists that include everything under the sun including gowns.  Totally unnecessary.  What you really need is you and your ute.  Everything else is pretty much optional--I'd say all you really need is a pair of yogas, a t-shirt or two, a good bra, toothbrush, toothpaste, and your hairbrush.  (And makeup, if you're gonna wear it--I did.) 

KikiCohen

Take everyone's (yes, even our) advice with a grain of salt.  Not every solution works for every situation and every baby.  

Ditto PP's suggestions about car seats and taking home stuff from the hospital (mesh underwear, pads, chux).  

Don't put all your eggs in one basket when it comes to anything.  For example, I had a complete supply of swaddle me blankets in every size and plenty of swaddling blankets b/c every baby needs to be swaddled, right?  WRONG.  My kid could break a swaddle pretty much from one week of age.  After many attempts with different blankets, watching YouTube videos of "unbreakable" swaddles, and worrying myself to death, we put him in a SleepSack and never looked back.

Baby + boob does NOT equal breastfeeding.  It can be insanely difficult despite your best efforts.  Mothering and breastfeeding are not the same thing.  There's absolutely no shame in switching to formula.  After an intense battle with BFing, I switched to formula.  The LC at my hospital told me that my baby would turn fussy, gassy, constipated, and become overweight.  NONE of those things happened.

ohiodoxiemama08

I would say be easy on yourself. Parenthood--especially the first time around is hard. You're going to feel overwhelmed. I just remember wanting so badly to enjoy this beautiful little life--but I was so anxious and overwhelmed and TIRED. That's ok. It definitely gets easier, but the beginning is tough.

Also, the book and DVD "Happiest Baby on the Block" was a lifesaver. Learn the "5 S's" and make them your friends. DD was a terrible sleeper until 4 weeks, we watched the HBOTB DVD and used the tips and she slept so much better! As exciting it is to nursery plan and buy baby gear, once baby comes what's most important is taking care of yourself and baby and getting sleep!!

eve0614

Ditto pps' about the postpartum goodies, those mesh undies are the best!

It's super fun to set up the baby's room, but I think it's more important, if you can, to have your stuff as organized as you can. If you're lucky enough to have someone offer to help, take the help! I had my MIL folding my underwear and there was no shame! She was able to visit for a week and I took the help while I could.

The other thing that I finally started to understand was, even if I was drowning in dishes, laundry, whatever, and totally exhausted, so many times what saved my sanity was making myself go for a walk. Even if it was around the block, or hell, just down the street when recouping from my section, the fresh air did a world of good! It's totally rejuvenating and calming. If you're able, get yourself and baby out and enjoy the sunshine!

ksimo6

Set your partner up for success and then get out of the way and shut your mouth. I set up DDs room and labeled the drawers do DH knows what fits etc. he has bath duty and bed duty every night ... She comes out dressed kind of funky sometimes and he does not do things the way I do them, but he's doing it. Trust me, if you try to control everything re: baby, you will be exhausted and crazy by the end of week one!

Trampslikeus

I'm a FTM so this comes from an observation of a good friend, but some of the ladies have touched on it a bit - do not talk down to your husband about his parenting skills, especially not in front of other people. He's trying his best in uncharted territory just like we are.

I witnessed it one too many times with my friend, and saw the crushed, defeated, kicked puppy look on her husbands face. When I brought it up, it changed our friendship, but her husband is a friend of mine too and I just couldn't bear it.

It's my ONLY "never will I ever".

MamaK818

I echo what @kikicohen said, your ability to or not to breastfeed is not a reflection on your ability to be a mother.  

Also, your ability to stick to a "birth plan" does not define your success as a mother.  Neither does sleeping through the night, how you do solids, your level of 'crunchiness' or anything else.  Look into things, make decisions that are what is best for YOUR family and for you.  And that may change from week to week, nothing is set in stone.  You might breastfeed and then a few weeks in your supply tanks and what is best has just changed.  It. is. o. k.  You may want to work and decide staying home is best or want to stay home but you need to work... do what is best for you. 

It is also ok to decide what is best for you is not the current popular trend.  There are things I do with my son that are not the popular opinion.  I am confident about my decisions and I choose carefully who I share with, but it is MY decision how I raise my boy.  It will be your decision how to raise your child.

Last thing If you can learn to 'take' unsolicited advice from others gracefully and then keep it or brush it off as needed, it will be the best thing you can do for your own sanity. (confession, I'm still not always the greatest at this one....)

kimmarie1105

Agree 1 million% about the husband thing. Get them comfortable and involved in everything from day one. They will do it different but it's not wrong. Embrace it and appreciate it. It will do his bonding, his ego, your relationship, and your sanity a world of good.
Bring your own pillow, socks, and body wash to the hospital. Small items like that make life much better. Bring the biggest ugliest black underwear you can find. The kind that go up to your boobs just in case you have a c section.
The weather will be nice when we have our babies. I had my son in April. Going for a walk or even just sitting outside for a bit everyday was amazing. For the first couple of months you will feel like you've been up partying all night. Everyday. The sunshine makes it better.
If you think you have enough diapers for the first week home. Think again. I've never seen something produce so much shit in my life. But diapers.
And remember "this to shall pass"

jjbdvm

Thanks y'all. The husband point is such a good one- I doubt it would have occurred to me until it was too late

pghctwife

Every kid is different. Try not to go nuts on gear, etc… my kids both HATED swings for example. I didn't bother registering for one in fact, we bought one from amazon after #1 was born bc he was a touch colicky and ehhh. Stores are accessible and the internet is awesome. Same goes for clothes… don't go nuts. You may find you preferences (style and function) change with a real baby, and their size may be hard to judge. My boys were 8#4 and 8#3. One wore NB diaps for a month, one didn't fit into them in the hospital and went straight to 1s! 

All you need is food for the baby, diapers. Carseat. The rest can come later. 

Try not to have too many rules for yourself, but if you have something you feel strongly about that is ok too. For me it was BFing, and I really hated people telling me not to be too set on it, if it didn't work it was ok, etc. For me, I was all in and needed that mindset. Yes of course, things go wrong etc… but it is ok to trust your gut on things you know really ARE important to you. Set yourself up for success on those things. Read the books, be an educated patient - if nursing is your thing, the first days are crucial. Know your stuff so you can advocate for you and your baby in the hospital if you need. 

I brought real clothes to the hospital and was so glad I did. Makeup too. Hospital can be boring. Bring books, laptop, etc. 

Trust your instincts. No one - NO ONE - knows your newborn as well as you. You were their home for 9 months. You know them and they know YOU, even if you don't feel like you do. Trust yourself. 

Survival is the name of the game early on. If people ask what they can do for you, tell them. Real meals were my fav. Or taking the big kid to play! I liked company too, I wanted to show off my baby, talk about them and their birth. Some people feel the opposite, so be ready to ask for visits or set limits depending how you are feeling. 

Favorite gear: PNP (used as a napping station and changing station on the first floor). Co sleeper (we bedshare but I prefer the cosleeper when they are teeny). Something to baby wear. 

If you want to nurse: put baby to breast early and often in the hosp. It can take a WEEK for your milk to come in and that is NORMAL. 10% wt loss is normal for a BF baby. Nursing can be easier to establish at home too. 

Birth plans aren't the devil. If you write one, use it as a tool to have a conversation with your provider about your preferences. It is ok to try to be your own advocate. 

Trumette socks are adorable and STAY ON NEWBORN FEET. Totally worth every penny. Other baby socks suck. 

ANother item I love are waterproof lap pads. I use them on the changing pad OVER the pad. Protects the cover from the constant leaks and peeing mid change, so you don't have to change and wash the pad 10x a day. 

My kids hated the velcro swaddler things. Normal swaddles were fine. 

Take lots of pics. They change SO MUCH daily early on! Consider getting and commit to filling out a baby book. You forget the details shockingly fast. 

junch817

Check out the YouTube video "Baby Got Colic". Super freaky sounds and images (think the movie "The Ring") but something about that sound being played pretty loud calms the babies down!! It's crazy. Seriously though, check it out....it might work for your screamer!

munchkinsmama

There are times in the first few weeks when you will need to let your baby cry for just a few minutes longer. Example: 2am feeding you get up only to realize you need to go to the bathroom and change your pad or pee. It's okay your baby will be fine, they will still love you and snuggle and be fine. There is nothing worse then sitting through a nursing session having to pee or worrying that you are leaking.

There are times your new little bundle of life will cry and nothing will fix it. You are not a bad mommy. Don't freak out and question your abilities, try and stay calm and let your partner help you. Don't get upset if they are the one to calm the baby, you are in it together and will each have your moments.

If you formula feed for whatever reason, never feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone. People will side eye you, mommy's at the library will try and re-examine all the benefits of breast milk. Do not let them get to you, smile and say yes you are an educated mommy and as they can see your child is happy and healthy and isn't that what matters. As others have said it's not what will make you a good mom. Formula feeding with love allows for just a much bonding. To me it became more about the environment and less about the vessel.

thay33

I have a questions for second time mothers.

Anyone ever live in an apartment complex when their newborn was born? Our walls are PAPER thin, and I fear two things 1.) our baby will wake up at every little noise 2.) our baby will wake everyone else up in the middle of the night and people will complain

Advice?

Even from first time moms, anyone living in an apartment worried about the same thing?

MinneSki

There are hundreds of little topics but the big advice in my book is this: remember that NO ONE has this figured out and that all of us are just making it up as we go. You make the best decisions you can with the info you have and that is exactly what everyone else is doing.

wegrowsheep

My adviced is for second time moms: This baby might be like your first, but probably not. They are their own little person. Being mommy to DS was much different than DD, and having a second was a bigger adjustment than having my first (goodbye to sleeping when baby sleeps!). So, if you feel totally overwhelmed, don't beat yourself up because you think "you should be a pro at this by now."
And for ALL mommies: Don't be afraid to ask for help!

junch817

@thay33‌. I was in an apartment when we brought DD home. I was worried about this too. We did luck out and get a great sleeper though. But my advice is to not worry about the other residents. You have baby - babies cry. If the baby is up crying, they aren't the one trying to get the baby to sleep. They can shove a pillow over their face to muffle the noise - you can't. Most people are understanding - most. You could still encounter that neighbor that will bring it up to you. That's when you can either politely apologize for the inconvenience, or tell them to shove it lol.

However, if you ever have to go "cry it out", I would let your neighbors know prior to doing so. I also had friends that would either make a small treat (muffins or something) or give a small gift card (like $5) for the slight inconvenience.

I'm nervous this time about baby waking up big sister. Don't think there's much I can do about it though!

luvindanimals

Those last few weeks of pregnancy try to get as much sleep as possible even though you are going to be uncomfortable. I felt like I was in a fog for weeks after DS came because I had gone so long on so little sleep.

Keep up with the house as much as possible before baby comes. I came home to a sink full of stinky dishes and a full laundry basket. Between washing baby bottles and baby clothes I felt like I could never get ahead.

If your baby likes swaddling try only swaddling at night to help them start distinguishing day from night sleeping.

Do not buy the cheap stool softener for your PP BM and start taking that stuff ASAP. While most ppl don't have issues with PP BMs I was one of the unlucky few that felt I needed a epi to preform this task.

Don't think breast feeding always comes naturally. It's easier to take those breast feeding classes before baby to give you a general overview and then work with a LC after baby comes if BF is something you really want to do.

I agree don't criticize your partners parenting but also don't be quick to take back a crying baby from a nervous parent. It is easier if they learn from the start how to comfort the new baby. If not they will always hand back the baby when he/she starts crying.

Remember we have all been FTM so there is no shame and asking questions and no shame in telling someone who wants to give you too much advice that you have it covered.

pghctwife

@thay33 Newborns aren't that loud honestly. Your baby crying will be the worst sound in the world to you and will bring you from a dead sleep. That is because you are the mom and it is your baby. Chances are it won't be as loud and upsetting to others. That said if it becomes an issue set up a php in a different part of the apt or something - be creative! White noise machine will help too. And if all else fails, bring a bag of coffee and some bagels to your neighbors to enjoy during the early rises, apologize, let them snuggle the baby and maybe they won't be too mad! 

fran3514

If someone tells you you're fitting your car seat wrong, don't believe them, check the manual. They could be wrong too.

ChrisLipstick

KikiCohen said:

Baby + boob does NOT equal breastfeeding.  It can be insanely difficult despite your best efforts.

This! Breastfeeding is hard, really, really hard. Don't just expect you can do it and don't feel bad for needing help. If possible, figure out what help is avialable including the schedule of the lactation consultant before delivery. Try to get an appointment as soon as possible after delivery. Even if things are going great, LCs are super helpful and know lots of tricks and other useful advice about babies.
Also, go on Amazon and make a wish list of everything you want for baby. Pick out the exact perfect basinnet, crib, stroller, car seat, onsises, swaddlers, diaper pail, photo outfit, toys, church outfit, wall decorations, growth chart, baby book, bedding, swing, glider, changing table, breast pump, breast pads, etc. Then look at how much it all costs. After the sticker shock, figure out what you will splurge on and why you will buy/take second hand. Do not buy things one at a time as you will go through thousands of dollars without realizing it!

Apollo11235

thay33 said:

I have a questions for second time mothers. Anyone ever live in an apartment complex when their newborn was born? Our walls are PAPER thin, and I fear two things 1.) our baby will wake up at every little noise 2.) our baby will wake everyone else up in the middle of the night and people will complain Advice? Even from first time moms, anyone living in an apartment worried about the same thing?

We also live in an apartment building, but I expect the people who will hear LO the most are the ones upstairs from us whose 2-year-old we have been hearing scream and stomp since we moved in. We may actually be looking forward to the revenge because we're terrible people.

Ravenclaw314

Sleep when baby sleeps.

Arrange for family/friends to send you meals your first week back home; and/or pre-fill your freezer with freezer meals (lots of good recipes online).

Keep an open mind about PPD symptoms, and don't feel ashamed to get help if you or your DH notice these symptoms.

carolyngrace

A close friend (and a FTM) with a 3 month old just told me: "Just tell them you're feeling depressed right away, even if you're not, so you have the meds. There's nothing worse than realizing you're super depressed and now you have to pick up the meds and wait a week for them to kick in."

With a hx of PPD in my family, I'm totally doing this.