Tell me she's crazy (baptism party etiquette)

Aeml1985 · November 2014

My gf is having her daughter baptized at the end of the month, and has invited people to brunch afterwards. Today she texts me and asks if it's her responsibility to pay for people's brunch, and that she thinks people are being "ignorant fcking people". I told her yes, she is hosting the party therefore she should pay. To which she told me "I'm not hosting". I explained that yes she is hosting, it's her daughters baptism and she's invited them to brunch and if she doesn't want to spend that much money either don't have anything at all after the baptism or have it at home with finger style food (fruit trays, cinnamon buns, croissants, etc). I'm right on this right? She's being unreasonable in thinking people are being ignorant in assuming she is picking up the tab for brunch? Also, when her son was baptized (she was a single mom then) we all went to Dairy Queen afterwards and we were expected to pay for our own ice cream (maybe 10 people total). Sorry this is a wall, mobile bumping...

mamajack86 · November 2014

You are correct. She should be expected to pay. Every baptism reception I've been to has been at someone's house afterwards and was a small finger food type thing. If she invites people to a brunch it's with the expectation that she's set up something for the guests she's inviting.

colleen4019 · November 2014

I totally agree, she should pick up the tab.

mwerren · November 2014

I agree with you and pp

Skrittens · November 2014

You plan events you can pay for. The only time it would be ok to ask a guest to provide is if something is being hosted in the home and the guest offers to bring something. Even then, it shouldn't be more than a small dish or paper item.

FrecklesInside · November 2014

Uh. Yep, it is her job as hostess to cover the cost of eating for her guests. Sounds like she doesn't care though and has done it before anyhow. Klassy.

RaeKM · November 2014

Of course she is hosting and that means she should pay. I always think the best way to get around this if you cannot afford it is to invite people back to your home for a potluck celebration - this seems to be less offensive to party goers than asking them to pony up an pay for food at a restaurant of your choosing.

ngolimento · November 2014

RaeKM said:
Of course she is hosting and that means she should pay. I always think the best way to get around this if you cannot afford it is to invite people back to your home for a potluck celebration - this seems to be less offensive to party goers than asking them to pony up an pay for food at a restaurant of your choosing.

Less offensive doesn't mean not offensive. You'd still be seen as a cheapskate leech. Why even throw a party if you are expecting other people to do the work? Just baptize the kid and go home. The only reason for the party is so you can AW your kid. The least you can do is spring for food.

stine28 · November 2014

Wow. She is not only rude, but she's being obstinate! I'd avoid going to the brunch just so I didn't have to sit through the awkward cheque-arriving point of the meal.

I have (had?) a good friend who started hosting potluck dinners for every one of her house parties. I stopped going. Fuck that shit. I'm not doing a bunch of work in the afternoon just so I have food to pay "admission" to her house for the evening.

Aeml1985 · November 2014

Ya, she's being ridiculous about this all; I mean it's one thing to ask about etiquette and then change your plans (at home vs at a restaraunt) but she really doesn't see that she's the one who's being ignorant. And if we has a $7 AYCE cicis I would suggest it haha. Things aren't that cheap in canada, ever.

honkytonk_kid · November 2014

I mean... I guess the upside is that her friends probably all already know she has no problem being tacky and cheap, and won't show up without money?

FrecklesInside · November 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:

RaeKM said:
Of course she is hosting and that means she should pay. I always think the best way to get around this if you cannot afford it is to invite people back to your home for a potluck celebration - this seems to be less offensive to party goers than asking them to pony up an pay for food at a restaurant of your choosing.

Less offensive doesn't mean not offensive. You'd still be seen as a cheapskate leech. Why even throw a party if you are expecting other people to do the work? Just baptize the kid and go home. The only reason for the party is so you can AW your kid. The least you can do is spring for food.

Yesssss, this, a thousand times. My axe wielding goddess has the smartz.

JCWhitey · November 2014

We couldn't afford to throw any sort of party after my son's Baptism so we didn't plan anything. We all ended up chatting after the service and people wanted to go to a certain restaurant so we went with, but we didn't send out invites or suggest this we weren't required to pay. Sending out invitations that specifically state a place and time is hosting a party and you are required to pay.

ETA: We also didn't invite anyone to my son's Baptism. My brother and SIL were his sponsors and my parents were there but that's it. I mentioned it on Facebook a couple of days before and one aunt said she wanted to come but ended up not making it, but did join us later for brunch. No formal invites or anything. I think it's rude to invite people to the event and not plan something afterwards.

thursday · November 2014

I agree with you completely

djoliet · November 2014

I agree that she should pay. I'm baptizing my 4 year old on the 23rd and I'm planning to have a small little get together after Mass. Probably just cake and punch type of thing. I'd never expect people to bring anything to it.

KT416 · November 2014

She's crazy.

salmphil · November 2014

Yep yep yep. What they^^^said.

Lark425 · November 2014

If it was a small group of family and friends she might be able to get away with a potluck, but that's a lot of coordinating just to get around not paying. It's really not that hard to do a punch bowl and shredded BBQ chicken sandwiches or cocktail weenies in a crockpot and a veggie tray. Or an egg bake, cinnamon rolls and fruit tray. Bam. Quick, easy, and inexpensive.

colleen4019 · November 2014

I totally agree if you're inviting people to anything it's 100% your responsibility to provide the food/pick up the tab.

That being said I think 99% of my family would respond with 'I'll be there, what can I bring' if it's at someone's house. But that's just how our family is. You absolutely can't count on that as a host. If you want to host an event be prepared to actually host it.

I dont know who above said they had cake & punch, that's fine. You don't have to do a big thing.

Whitfry · November 2014

I'm with pp. if you go to the trouble of sending out invites, that makes you a host. It would be different if it were a spontaneous post-baptism "we should all hang out and grab a bite" decision, but that clearly was not the circumstance.

janda426 · November 2014

What I wanna know is what's gonna happen if, inevitably, certain people leave before the check arrives? You know if someone has a kid that's not behaving, or has work, or any other reason to leave- they're gonna finish the meal they assume they aren't paying for then get up and say bye to everyone. Is the host gonna be like "oh but before you go make sure you leave $$ for your meals, see ya!"

Gawddd this is why etiquette is so enforced here. Why do people INSIST on being complete jackwads?

CoozieInMyPurse · November 2014

Here's a question -- When I was in my 20s, it was very common for someone to organize a birthday dinner at a restaurant for themselves. In a "what are you doing for your birthday?" "Well, do you want to go out to dinner?" kind of way. We all knew that we were paying for own meal, even as "guests," so that we could celebrate our friend. In fact, someone or everyone usually paid for the birthday girl/boy. Is that unusual in other parts of the country?

Note -- once I hit my 30s, had a more well-paying job and a place big enough to throw a house party, that stopped. Events at my house for the past several years have food and drink paid for by me, but I have had friends insist that they bring something and I let them. My friends like to cook and they are damn good at it.

JCWhitey · November 2014

CoozieInMyPurse said:

Here's a question -- When I was in my 20s, it was very common for someone to organize a birthday dinner at a restaurant for themselves. In a "what are you doing for your birthday?" "Well, do you want to go out to dinner?" kind of way. We all knew that we were paying for own meal, even as "guests," so that we could celebrate our friend. In fact, someone or everyone usually paid for the birthday girl/boy. Is that unusual in other parts of the country?

Note -- once I hit my 30s, had a more well-paying job and a place big enough to throw a house party, that stopped. Events at my house for the past several years have food and drink paid for by me, but I have had friends insist that they bring something and I let them. My friends like to cook and they are damn good at it.

A casual birthday dinner is much different than a party for a Baptism. In that case the birthday person shouldn't be paying for the meal, it's the "gift" from their friends and it's pretty well known that everyone else pays for their own meal. It's informal, not formal.

DM718 · November 2014

As everyone else has said - your friend is in the wrong.

I have a go-to explanation that I used a lot for my wedding and my sister's, since my mum seems to think open bars are awful, and I think a cash bar is tacky (and this example works with the baptism as well).

I go back to what the most basic celebration for the event is. I always think it's having people over to the house afterwards. At home, nobody in their right mind would consider charging people for food or beverages, but you also don't feel obligated to provide a full bar in most cases, and you have a limited menu (but one that does address the known dietary issues of guests). Everyone is typically happy.

You decide that you want to amp up the celebration a bit by holding it elsewhere. That is your call, but you do not get to pass along the costs to the guests. I also like to go back to the point that you don't have to cater to every possible taste as long as people are reasonably provided for.

Ulitmately, proper invitations never have price tags attached.

DM718 · November 2014

@coozieinmypurse - I put the group dinners out in the same group as pot-lucks. they're kind of communal gatherings, among a group that has circumstances such that one person hosting isn't reasonable. While bachlorette parties kind of grate at me, since there's a price tag attached, I also put them in this category (I'm also prefer low-key celebrations, but try not to get offended by the fact that others are far more outgoing than I am).

Whitfry · November 2014

Here's a UO: I love potlucks. Maybe it's the pseudo-commune way I grew up, but I really enjoy them and I like participating.

I recognize there is a time and a place for potlucks, and gift giving events are not really appropriate. No one should have to cook AND bring food. But I just can't help that I enjoy them an awful lot.

CoozieInMyPurse · November 2014

JCWhitey said:

CoozieInMyPurse said:

Here's a question -- When I was in my 20s, it was very common for someone to organize a birthday dinner at a restaurant for themselves. In a "what are you doing for your birthday?" "Well, do you want to go out to dinner?" kind of way. We all knew that we were paying for own meal, even as "guests," so that we could celebrate our friend. In fact, someone or everyone usually paid for the birthday girl/boy. Is that unusual in other parts of the country?

Note -- once I hit my 30s, had a more well-paying job and a place big enough to throw a house party, that stopped. Events at my house for the past several years have food and drink paid for by me, but I have had friends insist that they bring something and I let them. My friends like to cook and they are damn good at it.

A casual birthday dinner is much different than a party for a Baptism. In that case the birthday person shouldn't be paying for the meal, it's the "gift" from their friends and it's pretty well known that everyone else pays for their own meal. It's informal, not formal.

Yes, I agree. My question wasn't about the baptism. I think this person should pay for their own baptism party. It was a question about birthdays. It was totally off topic, which I should have indicated. In the black and white terms in which this board tends to view etiquette, it made me wonder how these specific birthday events are viewed.

DM718 · November 2014

@whitfry - I'm not sure that enjoying potlucks is a UO. It just all comes down to context. I think potlucks are perfect for casual gatherings, especially if nobody has the time or money to host everyone (or it's a shared space, like tailgating).

jpavenski · November 2014

Yes she is crazy! She should completely be expected to pay for the brunch or don't invite people & the fact that she mentioned it to you means she thought it might not be quite right. Our good friends finalized the adoption of their daughter & invited us to go to the court since we are her godparents along with the rest of their family & mentioned going to brunch at a resteraunt near there. We weren't sure if we were going to have to pay but her parents picked up the tab for everyone. So if it's on a printed invitation it is def her responsibility!

JenLa21 · November 2014

Being Invited to a baptism party, or any party, I would not expect to pay for my meal. But being invited to a birthday dinner at a restaurant, I would definitely expect to pay for my meal. I do think there is a difference. Most everyone in my family and circle of friends do birthday dinners or drinks, and not big parties and we always pay for ourselves. And they aren't usually gifting parties unless its a milestone bday. It's usually more of a "hey we're going to (place) for (someone's) bday, would you guys want to come?"

But if I get a formal type of invite to something, I think they are the host, and are paying.

CoozieInMyPurse · November 2014

@MandJS @MauiBliss It's not something I would do today, but birthday celebrations in our 20s would have been non-existent if we hadn't organized our own dinners out. And that would have been sad. And since no one could afford to pay for six - 12 people's meals, we went dutch. It was fine then, so I'm not going to worry about it.

janda426 · November 2014

Am I the only one who doesn't invite people out to celebrate my birthday? I just spend it with family at my house usually.

JenLa21 · November 2014

It's pretty common in my family to have a celebration after a baptism or something like that. But it just depends on how big it is, and thats a personal choice. For my son's baptism, we had had luncheon after the church, it was at a catered place and was very nice. It was bigger than I thought was necessary but we have big families, my parents are divorced, I have a step family as well. I would have loved to just have a small picnic at a house but we didn't have one at the time. We do now, so I imagine when we have the christening for this LO it will be a more low key thing at our house, sandwiches, coffee and cake. Obviously we'd be putting it on and paying for everything. Since that's what you do when you host a party.

ngolimento · November 2014

wonknessmonster said:

Ok, I'll say it: WTF IS A BAPTISM PARTY? Sheesh I see your kid's baptism as something worth celebrating with your faith community as part of your service or with coffee and cookies in the church social area. Or have close family and the kid's godparents over. Who the F throws a **party**? I find this completely tacky. Gifts or no, pay for things or no. But maybe that's just the conservative Lutheran upbringing talking.... Anyway in answer to the original question, your friend is cray cray and I would not go to the brunch at all. BTW I actually met my DH at a baptism! There was no party. Just love at first sight over weak church coffee.

Not gonna lie, this was my thought too. This has the feel of other unnecessary gift events like engagements parties and sweet 16 bashes. It just seems like it's reaching for an excuse to AW your kid and reap the presents.

jpavenski · November 2014

Not only does everyone have a party after in my circle of family & friends but I saw someone wrote that they give $10 in a card, I wish I feel like most people I know expect like $50 cash or savings bond. This thread is making me glad I don't have anything to go to anytime soon!

lib1974 · November 2014

Wow o wow. #keepinitclassy.

jack12trip · November 2014

I agree with PPs. It is poor etiquette to expect that other people would pay for a celebration you are hosting.

Not sure why you brought up the fact that she used to be a single Mom though. It sounds like she has bad manners, period.

Edited: banner...bad...what? It's too late.

Aeml1985 · November 2014

jack12trip said:

I agree with PPs. It is poor etiquette to expect that other people would pay for a celebration you are hosting. Not sure why you brought up the fact that she used to be a single Mom though. It sounds like she has bad manners, period. Edited: banner...bad...what? It's too late.

I brought that up because she was broke and living at home with her parents, and we just went for ice cream after her sons baptism, so maybe that's why she thought going for brunch and getting the guests to pay was ok. Now she has in laws and a husband so she has more financial and other supports.

jnowosielski · November 2014

janda426 said:
Am I the only one who doesn't invite people out to celebrate my birthday? I just spend it with family at my house usually.

In college and early 20s it was usually just an excuse to go out and drink. We didn't invite each other out, it was just assumed we would party.

Last year h invited friends and paid.

JCWhitey · November 2014

wonknessmonster said:

Ok, I'll say it: WTF IS A BAPTISM PARTY? Sheesh I see your kid's baptism as something worth celebrating with your faith community as part of your service or with coffee and cookies in the church social area. Or have close family and the kid's godparents over. Who the F throws a **party**? I find this completely tacky. Gifts or no, pay for things or no. But maybe that's just the conservative Lutheran upbringing talking.... Anyway in answer to the original question, your friend is cray cray and I would not go to the brunch at all. BTW I actually met my DH at a baptism! There was no party. Just love at first sight over weak church coffee.

Actually I think it's tacky to NOT do something after a Baptism. It's an event you typically send invitations out for, which makes it formal. It would be so weird to be invited to the church for the Baptism and then be sent on your way after. I'd expect to go back to the home and have a brunch or at least pastries and coffee (although I've been to a few churches where they do this for you in the basement, which is acceptable, IMO). That's pretty standard everywhere I've ever lived. I wouldn't call it an actual "party" per se, more like a reception. We do something similar to First Communions and Confirmations. Pretty much if you invite anyone to an event I believe the expectation is that food will be associated with it in some way, especially if the event happens during a typical meal time.

JCWhitey · November 2014

Peledreamsofrain said:

wonknessmonster said:

Ok, I'll say it: WTF IS A BAPTISM PARTY? Sheesh I see your kid's baptism as something worth celebrating with your faith community as part of your service or with coffee and cookies in the church social area. Or have close family and the kid's godparents over. Who the F throws a **party**? I find this completely tacky. Gifts or no, pay for things or no. But maybe that's just the conservative Lutheran upbringing talking.... Anyway in answer to the original question, your friend is cray cray and I would not go to the brunch at all. BTW I actually met my DH at a baptism! There was no party. Just love at first sight over weak church coffee.

Not gonna lie, this was my thought too. This has the feel of other unnecessary gift events like engagements parties and sweet 16 bashes. It just seems like it's reaching for an excuse to AW your kid and reap the presents.

Yes, except the typical Baptism gift is a picture frame, religious storybook, or a Bible. Or maybe $10. It's not a huge gift giving event and you usually don't invite a ton of people. The focus is (or should be) more on the religious aspect of the celebration.

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