Overwhelmed, and I have no idea what to do.

Unknown · October 2014

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AnnaK1985 · October 2014

I know only I can decide that. I didn't ask anyone here to do that. My husband wants me to map everything out, to try to sort out my feels, but I don't even know where to start.

divinemsbee · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:

You're not going to want to hear it, but I don't know.

And that's a totally valid response. It really is. It's okay to not entirely know. But, pregnancy is a time finite thing, so you're going to need to start making decisions. And, the advice given to you here is to continue talking to your husband and doctors, as well as seek counseling with an accredited therapist to try to see if how you're feeling now is something you can work through or not. If you want to take some time to sort things out in your head, do that, but, unfortunately, this isn't something that can be put off for an extended period of time.

You've just continuously nope-ed every single piece of advice or commiseration given to you in this thread, which leads me to believe you didn't really want help. It seems like what you're saying is 'I don't want to do this, but it looks like I have to, so I'm just going to bury myself in negative emotions.' We're all saying that 1) you don't have to, and 2) if you are choosing to, then you should get some help to work through these emotions. But you keep saying that's not an option. And every piece of real world 'this happened to me and I did X' is being discarded because no one was in your exact position. And every piece of 'being a parent doesn't mean giving up x' is disregarded because you're determined to not see any bright side or compromise. So, I see that as evidence that you weren't really interested in advice.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Well I hate to say it, but you're totally wrong. I did come here looking for advice. If I wanted someone to pity me, I would have posted and moved on. I'm not feeling very wanted or welcome here right now, and I can only say I'm sorry so many times, especially when my apologies have gone ignored.

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:
I am not saying no one gave good advice. And I'm certainly not looking to stir anything up. If you think that, then I'll leave you all alone. I just wanted someone to help me, maybe someone who understands, but all pregnancy forums seems to be about moms who want this.

Well yes, most pregnancy forums are full of pregnant women that want to be pregnant. We are trying to help you. It's really hard to know exactly what you are after? I'm not being snarky when I ask: "Do you even know what you want here? What is your definition of help?".

We can't make decisions for you or tell you what to do.

If you don't want to be pregnant then terminate the pregnancy. No one here (except a few) would think any less of you. Not everyone is happy or ready to be pregnant. That's ok to feel that way.

If what you need is permission to be unhappy & green light from an internet stranger to terminate: then you have it. If you want a lot of people to agree with me you might not get that.

I think what you need is real-life, professional ears. Someone who is trained to help you with your feelings.

I can empathize with the panic & negative feelings if you don't feel prepared to be pregnant or parent. I just happened to choose to parent & love my daughter with all my heart. I am completely satisfied with my choice.

Really, I'm trying to help & you've gotten really really compassionate responses. Not everyone here is Disney-Happy with their pregnancy & you aren't required to be either to utilize the site.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

No I don't know what I need. If I did, I could word it right. But all I'm doing is pissing people off at this point. Helping is telling me something that helps. I never said that the advice here was bad or wrong or stupid or screwed up.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Yes, I'm serious. In case you haven't noticed, this page has turned into everyone getting pissed off and jumping on me when I am trying to explain myself.

Unknown · October 2014

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PrimRoseMama · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:
Well I hate to say it, but you're totally wrong. I did come here looking for advice. If I wanted someone to pity me, I would have posted and moved on. I'm not feeling very wanted or welcome here right now, and I can only say I'm sorry so many times, especially when my apologies have gone ignored.

Apologies are great, but opening your ears & mind would work better. No one has told you to GTFO. You are welcome (I am not even pregnant & I post here) to stay.

Can you tone down the defensive, woe-is-me, I'm-gonna-go-eat-worms thing? Take a deep breath & consider what it must be like for those that are taking the time to respond.

We wish good health & positive things for you. We want you to make a decision that you can live with. So here it is:

Option A: keep the baby & parent even though it sounds like you don't want to right now. Your husband will be happy, and you might be.

Option B: Terminate the pregnancy. Your husband might be not happy, but from the tone of your posts-- you would be free to choose to be pregnant & parent at a later date.

Option C: you go through with the pregnancy but put the baby up for adoption. Your husband might be unhappy, you might be unhappy/resentful of going through 40 weeks of pregnancy, giving up your baby might be hard.

Unknown · October 2014

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divinemsbee · October 2014

I don't think anyone is pissed off (could be wrong there) I think the emotion is more like, as a PP said, exasperated. People have given you advice from all over the spectrum. From telling you that feelings of sadness and being overwhelmed can be normal, to telling you that you don't have to completely give up your life when you have a kid. Telling to to talk to your husband to make sure he's going to be involved in the child-rearing. Giving you all sorts of suggestions. But, apparently, nothing any of us is saying is helping. Helpful advice can only help a person who wants to be helped.

What you need is professional help in the form of counseling. I don't say that to run you off the board at all, but you seem convinced that none of us are in a place of advice to help you, even though several women have talked about being in a place of unplanned or stressful pregnancy and have told you how they chose to deal with it. However, even counseling will not help if you are not receptive to what you're being told.

Unknown · October 2014

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divinemsbee · October 2014

@PrimRoseMama ILY. The 'guess-I'll-go-eat-worms' mentality is exactly what I was thinking but I couldn't find the phrase, it's so perfect.

OP, you're going to come back and tell all of us that we just don't understand you and that we're not helping and we're pissed off and are kicking you off the board because we're all a bunch of Mary Sunshines about pregnancy and we can't get it because we haven't been in your exact situation down to the letter. And if that's what you need to tell yourself, then that's fine, I guess. But you've gotten a ton of support and advice and real life stories of people going through things and you've just thrown them back at everyone.

There is nothing anyone, on here or in your real life, can say that's going to make everything magically okay. Nothing. Not a word. Being okay with this, if that's something you want, is going to take many conversations and it's going to take time. But you have to decide you want help.

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:
Yes, I'm serious. In case you haven't noticed, this page has turned into everyone getting pissed off and jumping on me when I am trying to explain myself.

This is not true. I'm trying! Others are trying. C'mon man! #-o

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

@AnnaK1985‌ : please throw us a bone. In your mind, what would help you to hear? I'm not at all being snarky or sarcastic. We've laid out your options & given you sound advice.

I'm confused about what you believe we can do for you? I want to help, but it's hard to do it when I'm (and others) are shooting in the dark.

Life changes with pregnancy & parenting. Not all for the worst. Do you want to hear good things about choosing to parent? We can do that if you think it might help?

I sense you are angry at us for "not helping" but all of our (very patient, throughout & compassionate) advice is not what you need or want? It's hard to try to reach out only to get a poster that gets pissed off. Our hands are tied. :-??

Do you want us to tell you that you are fucked & suck it up? That's not entirely true, but it seems to be the hole you are stuck in.

I just...I am very frustrated. :o3

Helenahhandbasket · October 2014

TheOrneryMama said:

I've been trying so hard to be supportive here, truly I have. This has got to be the most frustrating thread I've seen on this board. OP asks for support, received PAGES of it, but then says we're not helping and being supportive. It's become insulting at this point.

Yes, this is why this is not quite adding up to me.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Look, you can say I'm not pissing you all off, but you cannot deny the attitude here has changed. And a lot of people are starting to put words in my mouth. I never not acknowledged anything said, except one thing. I never said anyone has to be "Disney happy." to be here, but it seems that unhappy pregnant women are not welcome everywhere.

And some of you seem to be of the opinion that I'm causing trouble. Well I'm not. At least not intentionally. I didn't want anything to balloon into this, but it has. If you think I'm making messes to make messes, say it and I'll report it since there's no close thread button, and I'll leave the site because I don't want a mess.

I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore, since none of you seem to think I mean it. But I can't help that I'm having trouble saying exactly what needs to be said. I can't even get my husband to understand me at this moment. I don't see any positives, and I don't know if positives will help me at this moment, but I can read it and I can listen.

I didn't feel so negative until things got nasty in here. I didn't feel happy or hopeful, just the same as when I posted it until today. It might not even be any of you, it might be a negative mood, but I'm saying while this hasn't helped to lift my mood, it hadn't hurt it, either, and I don't know if that means anything to any of you or not.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

I don't even know at this point if it will help anyone to say what I've focused on and cannot get past,

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

All the swearing and negativity is not nasty? And I did not say I would report you, I would report the thread to get it closed and leave.

Unknown · October 2014

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AnnaK1985 · October 2014

MauiBliss said:

Go. Get. Help.

Please. Here, Anna, I will share one more story with you. I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. I found out I was pregnant after we decided to stop TTC. I was very happy to be child-free by choice and never wanted children. My husband did. I realized I really like kids but not babies. Anyway, we were moving across the country and I was starting a new job so we decided to take a break and see in a year if it was what we still wanted. We went on a lovely wine-tasting trip and I was racing with my husband in California, came home to find out I was pregnant. I spent the first few weeks by myself (I had to move across the country literally 2 days after finding out and my husband had to stay behind until our house sold) wallowing in my uncertainty. I had to cancel my races I had already registered for this fall (no Ironman or half Ironman races while pregnant); we had to cancel our long-planned trip to Asia next year.

I was afraid of losing my body (I have ED and BD issues). It was really hard. So I started seeing someone. And we determined I was most afraid of being a failure as a mother and also of feeling like I would lose myself and mu identity. So, I started racing again, short distances, and slowly, and riding horses again (cleared by my doctor). My husband and I made plans for me to do another Ironman next fall and he and I are already working together to plan how I will train with his help when our child is very young.

Am I excited to be pregnant? Meh. I don't feel much of a connection to him yet. Am I excited to take him around the world and show him shooting stars and teach him how to swim and ride a bike? Absolutely. But it took me time to get there.

You don't have to lose yourself to your child to be a good parent. And my parents and my husband's parents both traveled extensively domestically and internationally with us beginning when we were only a few months old. It's possible. And I was also left behind for several weeks at a time with relatives when I was about a year old while my parents traveled.

My final comment is you are absolutely in charge of your choices here. You can choose to listen to all of the VERY helpful advice and get help and find your own voice of reason and value in this. Or you can wallow in your self-pity. I chose not to wallow after awhile because it was tedious and was making me a slave to uncertainty.

That works for you, and I am glad it does though I doubt you will believe me. I might be wrong, as I don't even know you, but I think you'll be one of those mothers who loves him at first sight. I don't know how else you want me to respond to this, in all honesty, but thanks.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

TheOrneryMama said:

All the swearing and negativity is not nasty? And I did not say I would report you, I would report the thread to get it closed and leave.

Look, you can say I'm not pissing you all off, but you cannot deny the attitude here has changed. And a lot of people are starting to put words in my mouth. I never not acknowledged anything said, except one thing. I never said anyone has to be "Disney happy." to be here, but it seems that unhappy pregnant women are not welcome everywhere.

And some of you seem to be of the opinion that I'm causing trouble. Well I'm not. At least not intentionally. I didn't want anything to balloon into this, but it has. If you think I'm making messes to make messes, say it and I'll report it since there's no close thread button, and I'll leave the site because I don't want a mess.

I'm not saying I'm sorry anymore, since none of you seem to think I mean it. But I can't help that I'm having trouble saying exactly what needs to be said. I can't even get my husband to understand me at this moment. I don't see any positives, and I don't know if positives will help me at this moment, but I can read it and I can listen.

I didn't feel so negative until things got nasty in here. I didn't feel happy or hopeful, just the same as when I posted it until today. It might not even be any of you, it might be a negative mood, but I'm saying while this hasn't helped to lift my mood, it hadn't hurt it, either, and I don't know if that means anything to any of you or not.
Go back and read this entire thread from the beginning. Look at all the support you got!! Now look at your responses. Every single response was negative. Every single one and waaayyyyyyyyyyyyy before anyone started getting frustrated. It is insanely unfair to blame US for your attitude. And honestly it's rude as hell to come ask for help, THEN shoot down all the support and responses, AND THEN have the utter and absolute nerve to get insulted when people are frustrated after 5 PAGES of that crap?!?!?!?! Are you freaking serious right now?!?!?! People gave their time and energy to support you and try to help and instead you act like THIS????? No. NO. I'm not wasting one more word of support on you.

I didn't blame any of you. I said it might have been this or a negative attitude. You are one of the ones putting words in my mouth, and if you choose to leave, that is your choice. I cannot keep you here.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

I honestly cannot remember, but I don't think anyone has asked me to elaborate why I've said what I have. It seems, even when polite, I manage to irritate to no end. Getting rude and sweary will not help me out any, as many of you seem to form opinions of me. One person asked me why I cannot drive.

divinemsbee · October 2014

Seriously. Someone speaks to you absolutely from their heart ( @MauiBliss, you're awesome) and you just discard it.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

MauiBliss said:

AnnaK1985 said:

MauiBliss said:

Go. Get. Help.

Please. Here, Anna, I will share one more story with you. I am almost 20 weeks pregnant. I found out I was pregnant after we decided to stop TTC. I was very happy to be child-free by choice and never wanted children. My husband did. I realized I really like kids but not babies. Anyway, we were moving across the country and I was starting a new job so we decided to take a break and see in a year if it was what we still wanted. We went on a lovely wine-tasting trip and I was racing with my husband in California, came home to find out I was pregnant. I spent the first few weeks by myself (I had to move across the country literally 2 days after finding out and my husband had to stay behind until our house sold) wallowing in my uncertainty. I had to cancel my races I had already registered for this fall (no Ironman or half Ironman races while pregnant); we had to cancel our long-planned trip to Asia next year.

I was afraid of losing my body (I have ED and BD issues). It was really hard. So I started seeing someone. And we determined I was most afraid of being a failure as a mother and also of feeling like I would lose myself and mu identity. So, I started racing again, short distances, and slowly, and riding horses again (cleared by my doctor). My husband and I made plans for me to do another Ironman next fall and he and I are already working together to plan how I will train with his help when our child is very young.

Am I excited to be pregnant? Meh. I don't feel much of a connection to him yet. Am I excited to take him around the world and show him shooting stars and teach him how to swim and ride a bike? Absolutely. But it took me time to get there.

You don't have to lose yourself to your child to be a good parent. And my parents and my husband's parents both traveled extensively domestically and internationally with us beginning when we were only a few months old. It's possible. And I was also left behind for several weeks at a time with relatives when I was about a year old while my parents traveled.

My final comment is you are absolutely in charge of your choices here. You can choose to listen to all of the VERY helpful advice and get help and find your own voice of reason and value in this. Or you can wallow in your self-pity. I chose not to wallow after awhile because it was tedious and was making me a slave to uncertainty.

That works for you, and I am glad it does though I doubt you will believe me. I might be wrong, as I don't even know you, but I think you'll be one of those mothers who loves him at first sight. I don't know how else you want me to respond to this, in all honesty, but thanks.

Ok, I'm done. The point is so far over your head, it's not even worth trying any more.

Godspeed, OP.

No, I got the point. A surprise pregnancy, you thought everything was over, but you realize you can work around it after the baby is born. I understand that. And I said it works for you. You can still race and train, and you see the positives of taking a baby or small child with you on a trip

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

AnnaK1985 said:

I honestly cannot remember, but I don't think anyone has asked me to elaborate why I've said what I have. It seems, even when polite, I manage to irritate to no end. Getting rude and sweary will not help me out any, as many of you seem to form opinions of me. One person asked me why I cannot drive.

Two actually. I asked first and you ignored me.

I did not see you ask that. My apologies.

Unknown · October 2014

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divinemsbee · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:

I honestly cannot remember, but I don't think anyone has asked me to elaborate why I've said what I have. It seems, even when polite, I manage to irritate to no end. Getting rude and sweary will not help me out any, as many of you seem to form opinions of me. One person asked me why I cannot drive.

Fine. Elaborate. Whole life story. I'm asking. What I know about you so far is that you can't drive, are legally blind, and your husband wants this baby but you don't. Several people asked if you had access to public transport or other ways of getting around.

At first I just thought that you were in a tough spot. I read all of the advice and stories. And you just kept saying that they weren't for you and wouldn't work for you. Seriously, you don't want to give us reasons that none of the advice or stories given work for you, but you want us to ask why they won't work for you. So, why, oh specialest of snowflakes, is nothing that has been said here pertinent to your life?

BSTmama · October 2014

*

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

I don't recall anyone asking if I can use public transport. I saw people mentioning it, but no, it is not available to me. We haven't had any in years. I have to, as I may or may not have said earlier, rely on people who will take me somewhere at their whim. Case in point, I had to wait five days for someone just to take me to the post office.

Your situations don't work for me because you are not me. I might be wrong, but I will acknowledge it now. I can't imagine any of you are stuck at home. I imagine most of you drive or have public transit you can use. I'm guessing some of you work. If not all of you. People must trust you and not treat you like a two year old.

I don't even have locks on my bedroom or bathroom door. My husband took them off because I might fall and he would have to get to me. I'm terrified of falling out of the bathtub because my balance is poor. And now I have to be extra careful because there's a tiny thing I have to take care of.

I live for trips with my husband. On vacations, I get his time and focus, he shows me things I'd never get to see otherwise. I've been places I'd never get to see otherwise. When he's on business, I can go out, ride a bus or a taxi, see some sights and take time to focus on things and time to look. It takes me forever to grocery shop because it's so hard to see and read, so with a baby, how do I do that? I'm not being sarcastic, how do you do that? They wiggle, they scream, they cry, they need feeding and attention when they are not sleeping.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Chronic generative myopia.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:

Chronic degenerative myopia. Saw my mistake but hit enter before fixing it.

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

divinemsbee · October 2014

I really think counseling, not just for you, but as a couple would be really good for your personal well being as well as your marriage, not just if you are parenting, but in general. Are you living with other family besides your husband (some of the things you have said make me feel like there are more people at home or available to you)? Would you feel better if, if you are living with more people, if it was just the two of you?

Do you have any occupational therapy available to make living with your condition more, well, livable, in the long term? Can you get some? I know a lot of hospitals/clinics have buses that they can use to pick you up so that you can receive some help. Do you have no taxis where you live that you could call to run errands and such? To address one concern: Can you do grocery shopping at a time when your husband is at home so that he can watch the baby? Have you brought up these concerns with your husband, and is he willing to work on them with you (which brings us back to therapy)?

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:

Chronic degenerative myopia. Saw my mistake but hit enter before fixing it.

TheOrneryMama said:

It took 5 pages for you to share that information. 5 pages. We are on the internet. We don't know anything until you tell us. Your reasoning is that a baby will keep you from traveling with your DH? I don't see how that overshadows the balance issues you're having. Let's get this out of the way, nothing you said about traveling is suddenly impossible with a baby. It sounds like you'd have the same access to rides as you do now, unless there is something else you're not saying. It's just with an extra passenger. Honestly, you figure it out like every other mom does. You're picturing everything as a negative when it actually isn't. What does your doctor say about your balance issues though? That seems to be, to me at least, more of a reason to be worried than anything else.

Why do you continue to come when you do not like me? Do you get pleasure from irritating me? I realized my mistake while typing. I should have said all of this earlier, but my mind seems to only be working at half pace.

It's not just travel. It's that I barely get to do anything now, with a child, it's going to be worse.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

divinemsbee said:

I really think counseling, not just for you, but as a couple would be really good for your personal well being as well as your marriage, not just if you are parenting, but in general. Are you living with other family besides your husband (some of the things you have said make me feel like there are more people at home or available to you)? Would you feel better if, if you are living with more people, if it was just the two of you?

Do you have any occupational therapy available to make living with your condition more, well, livable, in the long term? Can you get some? I know a lot of hospitals/clinics have buses that they can use to pick you up so that you can receive some help. Do you have no taxis where you live that you could call to run errands and such? To address one concern: Can you do grocery shopping at a time when your husband is at home so that he can watch the baby? Have you brought up these concerns with your husband, and is he willing to work on them with you (which brings us back to therapy)?

I live with my husband, though there is someone who comes in once a week to see if I need anything, like groceries or to run errands. I don't know about occupational therapy. I had heard they were building something like that here, but nothing seems to have come of it. There are no taxis, no buses, nothing like that at all. We had a greyhound once, but they closed that when I was in grade school, and I don't think they were just for around town anyway. I've brought them up with him, and he thinks it would be possible to get a live in nanny or something once the baby is born.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Danipg said:

I don't want to sound rude, but were your using any form of BC to avoid pregnancy? If it was something you and your husband were so unprepared for what measures, were you taking more than one measure to prevent?

It's not rude, it's a valid question. He and I were using condoms.

WashingtonQueen · October 2014

AnnaK1985 said:
I would report the thread to get it closed and leave.

That's not how it works. You are free to leave, but neither I or the other mods will close a thread for no reason.

divinemsbee · October 2014

Have you talked to your husband about how you feel he treats you like a child? That would annoy the shit out of me. I think some occupational and physical therapy that helps you to be more certain in your space would be great for both of you in that respect.

I agree that seeking out support groups that involve your condition or blindness in general would probably be really helpful. I'm sure there are women who have gone through pregnancy with similar issues, and it would be a great help to you. I'm not saying don't be here, but I do think a more specialized group would be good, especially since you're dealing with a lot with your condition. Can you speak to whatever specialist you see to see if they can direct your towards a group of like women, maybe even in your area?

BTW, this is helpful. Being helpful is sometimes people asking questions that you need to ask yourself.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Someone asked about my balance? I'm trying to cook as well, and I didn't get to add that. I can generally catch myself, though I fell pretty roughly a few weeks ago. She doesn't want me carrying heavy things to get overly balanced, or going up the stairs without anyone until we can come up with some kind of solution.

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