Overwhelmed, and I have no idea what to do.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Hi, everyone. I've recently, very recently, found out I'm like 12 weeks pregnant. I didn't know until last week. And it's really hard to take in. This wasn't supposed to happen. But I see my husband happy, and I see a lot of happy women, mainly online because there's not many women in my life, so happy to be pregnant, and I don't feel that way. I am just in shock, or numb, and I've caught myself crying over it.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel happy, I don't feel much towards the baby itself, I don't want to be a mom right now, and I really don't want my life to change, but it's happening, and I can't stop it.

I don't know what I'm looking for in posting this, other than someone to actually care that I'm not happy. But I guess that's not likely, and it's just a vent or something.

suorange · October 2014

Have you considered putting your baby up for adoption?

Edited for clarity

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

suorange said:

Have you considered putting your baby up for adoption?

Edited for clarity

No, that hasn't come up.

Trampslikeus · October 2014

Well, technically you can stop it if you really want to. Don't feel pressured in to being a parent just because other people feel differently about it.

If termination is not an option you're considering, I'd talk to a therapist or counselor. Pregnancy can be overwhelming and stressful even when planned and wanted, all the more so if it's something you were trying to avoid.

Give yourself some time to process, and again, don't let others experiences or feelings influence yours or make you feel guilty - all of us are on very unique roads and it's not fair to you to compare yourself to others when it comes to this kind of thing.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Trampslikeus said:

Well, technically you can stop it if you really want to. Don't feel pressured in to being a parent just because other people feel differently about it. If termination is not an option you're considering, I'd talk to a therapist or counselor. Pregnancy can be overwhelming and stressful even when planned and wanted, all the more so if it's something you were trying to avoid. Give yourself some time to process, and again, don't let others experiences or feelings influence yours or make you feel guilty - all of us are on very unique roads and it's not fair to you to compare yourself to others when it comes to this kind of thing.

I know I can stop it, but I don't know if I'd want to and I'm sure my husband wouldn't. I had wanted children, but now with this shocker, I don't feel like I want to, but I just don't know.

Trampslikeus · October 2014

Makes sense. In that case, I'd talk to a therapist and give yourself time to absorb everything and process. Putting pressure on yourself to be excited will just make it harder on you. Your embryo can't tell what you're thinking - so don't feel guilty about your current feelings.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Trampslikeus said:

Makes sense. In that case, I'd talk to a therapist and give yourself time to absorb everything and process. Putting pressure on yourself to be excited will just make it harder on you. Your embryo can't tell what you're thinking - so don't feel guilty about your current feelings.

That, at least, is a comfort. I've already been told being upset is not good for it.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

emmyg65 said:

The nice thing about pregnancy is that it's 9 months, so if you choose to keep the baby, you have some time to adjust and get things in order. Don't worry about your feelings affecting it. It does seem otherwise, but plenty of pregnant women (including myself) are conflicted about pregnancy. Give yourself some time and please do consider talking to a professional.

But everyone seems so happy. I wish I could be one of those women bursting to tell everyone, but that's not happening. I have seen no one anywhere say that they're unhappy. It kind of feels like forums and groups exist for those excited women. I've been shunned on another group because someone flat out told me "Everyone here is happy to be pregnant."

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

I'll be frank. You have options.
-- adoption
-- abortion

Talk to your husband about your feelings. You are not required to continue the pregnancy if that is not what you want. It's not fair to anyone to force yourself through 40 weeks & parenting if you are not truly on board.

Your marriage, your own mental health & any future children deserve a Mother that is invested & happy.

If you are scared of either option & choose to parent-- seek some counseling just to sort through your feelings with a neutral third party.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so unhappy.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

PrimRoseMama said:

I'll be frank. You have options. -- adoption -- abortion Talk to your husband about your feelings. You are not required to continue the pregnancy if that is not what you want. It's not fair to anyone to force yourself through 40 weeks & parenting if you are not truly on board. Your marriage, your own mental health & any future children deserve a Mother that is invested & happy. If you are scared of either option & choose to parent-- seek some counseling just to sort through your feelings with a neutral third party. I'm sorry that you are feeling so unhappy.

I have talked to him. He thinks I can do it, that I'm just in shock right now. And he might be right, but I just don't know. The only thing I'm sure of now is that if this had been planned, I'd feel a lot differently.

PrimRoseMama · October 2014

@AnnaK1985‌ : you'd think so, right? My daughter was a surprise, & I was feeling the same way. I chose to parent, but my situation is so different.

I was still semi-freaking out when I was pregnant with DS. We planned him too! So I think it's possible to freak for all kinds of reasons. Pregnancy is a big physical & emotional change.

You feel what you feel. Take some time & journal your feelings. Talk to your OB about your feelings. They can put you in touch with a mental health professional. It might help you, overall, to just talk it out.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

PrimRoseMama said:

@AnnaK1985‌ : you'd think so, right? My daughter was a surprise, & I was feeling the same way. I chose to parent, but my situation is so different. I was still semi-freaking out when I was pregnant with DS. We planned him too! So I think it's possible to freak for all kinds of reasons. Pregnancy is a big physical & emotional change. You feel what you feel. Take some time & journal your feelings. Talk to your OB about your feelings. They can put you in touch with a mental health professional. It might help you, overall, to just talk it out.

I did think so, but I guess I'm wrong there, too.

Helenahhandbasket · October 2014

Honestly?

I had a planned pregnancy and felt feelings of being overwhelmed, scared, sad and a lot of other emotions. I have other friends that have felt this way too. I do think to some extent, it's normal.

I can't imagine how I would personally react to an unplanned pregnancy that I didn't discover until the first tri was over. Talk about shock-- I think your emotions are fairly on par.

Obvioulsy, you are not required to continue your pregnancy, but that decison is time sensitive, so you have to deal with it now. I would suggest really having an open and completely honest discussion with your H about your options and how you are feeling. If you feel that this is not the right time for you or your future family, it would be cruel of him to make you feel like you have to continue the pregnancy.

Good luck to you.

Trampslikeus · October 2014

anyone who tells you they are 100% happy to be pregnant 100% of the time is more than likely lying to you, so don't hold yourself to that standard. Be kind to yourself.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

My kids were planned and both times I had an overwhelming feeling of "what in the fresh hell have we DONE??" It's overwhelming enough when you're expecting it so it's not unreasonable for you to feel this way 1 week after finding out. You said you did want kids but just that this pregnancy wasn't planned, right? I guess I'd sit and think about what, exactly, you're afraid of. Are there specific things or is it just a general feeling of being overwhelmed? Understanding what you're afraid of will help you decide if there's an answer to that or a way to come to a place where you have a plan to address it (like finances, work, going to school, space, personal time, etc.)

BrittianyM · October 2014

Its a big shock when finding out your pregnant for the first time and being as far along as you are when finding out. Please give yourself some time to adjust to all the info. Its a major life change and you are completely normal to be scared and worried and confused. There will be alot of emotions for sure.

We were trying for our first and it was something we both wanted very badly but when I found out I was pregnant, it was a huge shock and I was so scared and wasn't sure if it was something I really wanted anymore. Worried about how my life would change and what would my marriage would be like with a child. After a fews weeks, it all settled down and I started to get very excited. Needless to say, our daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Wishing you the best and some peace.

effthisnoise · October 2014

You are not alone in how you feel. There's a post on the June 2015 board with someone looking for ways to feel excited because she just doesn't. There's nothing wrong with being overwhelmed, either. My baby was planned and now that it's on its way, I often think, "What the hell were we thinking!?" Give yourself some time to adjust--make sure that you're eating well and taking your pre-natal vitamins, but don't go overboard reading. Let yourself get used to the idea first. Talk with your husband about making a plan for after the baby comes. Once you get a handle on the situation and start feeling more confident that you can take it on, you might find yourself getting excited.

If you're still dreading being a mother in a month, you should consider seeing a therapist, if you don't see one sooner.

allrightmeow · October 2014

DS was planned and still I had moments of "OMG AM I SURE THIS WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO"!

I urge you to seek professional help and be honest with the way you are feeling. Nothing makes resentment grow faster than pushing it down and pretending its not there.

amberbryant1 · October 2014

My husband and I tried for 10 years and then for the last 5 decided to just not do anything to stop getting pregnant. So for 15 years of infertility we were told/thought we would never get pregnant. I had come to accept it. It took many many years with some hard times but I had moved on. Then the strange breast pains started, the overwhelming exhaustion. I took two tests both with two very dark lines. I told him immediately. He sat in shock. I cried and cried. He asked if I was okay and all I could say was "I was going to get a boat". We had both recently graduated from our second round of college and planned on moving to Florida, buying a boat and being a happy childless couple for the rest of our lives...was going to get a boat, all I could mutter for weeks.

I am still in shock. I still question what have we done? Can we do this? Do I want to do this? I have come to the conclusion that my main issue is that I didn't plan this. I am a person who does best with planning and control over my choices. I have wondered if this pregnancy would have happened during the years we went to all of the doctors if I would have been over the moon or just as confused. I am slowly coming to terms with impending motherhood. The first ultrasound really helped me accept that this was real. Good luck with your feelings and like most have said, they are your feelings don't let anyone take that away from you.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Wow, first off I have to thank everyone for replying. I really appreciate it.

My husband and doctor both feel I really need to let everything sink in before I make any kind of choice. It's still a shock, but I also know I can be on time restraint if I were to go the abortion route. I don't know that I will though. I know I've said it way too much, but I just don't know.

It kind of feels like a punch to the gut to find out when you are trying to prevent pregnancy, especially so far along. I always thought those shows like "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant" were dumb, it's like, "How can you not know?" But I had no clue until I realized I missed more than one period.

Eating and sleeping are taking a toll right now. I'm not hungry, I have no appetite, but I'm forcing myself to eat, which is hard. And I haven't slept through the night in weeks, even before knowing about it. There's always something that wakes me up, and I have so much trouble getting back to sleep.

I know for sure one thing I can put my hand on that makes me scared and upset is that I know my life's going to change once it is born, and I dread that. I'm stuck at home as it is, but now I'm really going to be stuck. There's not going to be any going on trips for business or pleasure with my husband. If I want to go somewhere now, I have to convince someone to take me, and then it'll become convince someone to take me and a baby, not to mention having to wrestle the car seat into a car. I can't look for any positives right now, but my husband says that's fine, and it's just the surprise of this.

I'm already upset that I have to change up my wardrobe. And go back to bras.

I'm sorry if I didn't address everything that was said after I left. I can't seem to get my thoughts together.

ShuShubee · October 2014

Everything that you are feeling is normal and completely okay. Finding out you are pregnant is a scary experience, even if you were planning on it. Just because you feel a certain way right now means you won't want or love your child. I also want to point out that I am pro-choice and you do have options IF you want them. But, based on a your responses, it sounds like you don't want to do that, you just need to sort through your emotions.

It is okay to be scared, terrified, nervous, anxious, and everything else you are feeling. Don't let others make you feel that your emotions aren't justified. I would suggest finding someone (unbiased) that you can talk to. Someone that won't try and force your feelings one way or the other - just someone that will listen to you and let you work through your emotions. It can be a professional or a close friend, it doesn't matter. Just find someone you trust and can keep a secret.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

ShuShubee said:

Everything that you are feeling is normal and completely okay. Finding out you are pregnant is a scary experience, even if you were planning on it. Just because you feel a certain way right now means you won't want or love your child. I also want to point out that I am pro-choice and you do have options IF you want them. But, based on a your responses, it sounds like you don't want to do that, you just need to sort through your emotions.

It is okay to be scared, terrified, nervous, anxious, and everything else you are feeling. Don't let others make you feel that your emotions aren't justified. I would suggest finding someone (unbiased) that you can talk to. Someone that won't try and force your feelings one way or the other - just someone that will listen to you and let you work through your emotions. It can be a professional or a close friend, it doesn't matter. Just find someone you trust and can keep a secret.

I don't really have anyone I can trust to keep it secret. I really don't even want to tell anyone, but it'll be obvious soon enough I'm guessing.

Alygohome · October 2014

This baby was planned and at 26 weeks I'm not excited or overly happy. Pregnancy is a big adjustment to our life/bodies and it can be overwhelming to think of all the changes.

Unknown · October 2014

This content has been removed.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

Alygohome said:

This baby was planned and at 26 weeks I'm not excited or overly happy. Pregnancy is a big adjustment to our life/bodies and it can be overwhelming to think of all the changes.

It's a big change for us, but is it a big change for anyone else?

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

TheOrneryMama said:

Hi OP. I can sort of relate to your story. My husband and I were both happy with having 2 kids. We were happy that the baby years were over and looking forward to watching our kids grow up. I was very happy with my family as is. Then we find out we're expecting again, no thanks to my birth control. I went back and forth between vehemently not wanting to add to our family and also feeling like there was no way I could just abort our baby. It was a hellish and emotional few weeks. Eventually I had to be honest with myself and my hubby and admit I couldn't picture aborting the baby. (Nothing against abortion whatsoever. I've had one previously but it was in way different circumstances.) I know you have a time limit to decide on a course of action, so I say USE that time to really sit down with your husband and hash out your feelings. I wish you luck, I know it's isn't easy.

I have no problem with abortion, but I don't know if I could do it now. I don't know how I feel about this baby, so I don't know if it's the right choice. I'd hate to do it, then later down the road regret it, if that makes any sense. So far I feel like I'm just rambling here.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

I'm not going to sit here and sugar coat things for you - things WILL change. Sure, you can't travel at the drop of a hat. But the wardrobe is temporary. Getting out of the house gets much easier - you learn how to do it just like you learn anything new.

My brother has no kids and when he comes over and witnesses my life (with a 4 year old and 17 month old) he finds it completely overwhelming. I'll tell you what I told him, if it helps

Everything about parenthood doesn't happen all at once. You do get to ramp up to a lot of it.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

AnnaK1985 said:

Alygohome said:

This baby was planned and at 26 weeks I'm not excited or overly happy. Pregnancy is a big adjustment to our life/bodies and it can be overwhelming to think of all the changes.

It's a big change for us, but is it a big change for anyone else?

Is ti a big change for your family and friends? Or is it a big change for anyone else pregnant with their first?

I'm going to tag @onceinlovewithamy. She didn't know she was pregnant with her first until halfway through her pregnancy. She might be able to give you some insight into how she was feeling finding out so late.

More like for my husband.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

Yes it will be a change for your husband. Mine had a hard time dealing with the adjustment of having a newborn in the house and my post-partum hormones but after a heart-to-heart or two, he was able to understand a bit better what went into taking care of a baby. It's not always easy to have a baby. There are many times that I wanted to rip my hair out I was so angry that DS only took a 20 minute nap or just so exhausted that I wished I could just shut everything out for 5 more minutes of sleep. Those feelings are balanced out with all the great things that DS has done. Cuddling on the couch as he falls asleep for a nap, seeing him figure out how to flip pages of a book or walk across the room, and leaning in for kisses are all amazing.

It's OK to be sad that your life will change if you decide to parent. It's equally OK to feel like you aren't ready or you don't know enough to be a parent. Hell most days I just wing it with DS. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't, I know not to try that again. Parenting is very much about being in control and out of control all at the same time. There are good days and bad days. Take the time to process everything. Parenting is wonderful as well as giving someone else the gift of parenting.

I don't see how things are going to change for him, though. He's still going to get to do whatever he pleases. He's not that type of person, but if he wanted to go away for a week by himself for himself, he can.

ADC1979 · October 2014

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and that you're feeling overwhelmed by it.

I won't lie, this is an overwhelming thing. During my pregnancy, which was planned, I never felt really connected to my baby. Sure, the kicks and movements made it all more real (and was actually pretty cool once I was used to it), but I never really felt like I was bonded to this life inside of me.

Fast forward to now. I love my little guy so very much. I'd do anything for him. I was so very afraid that I would lose my identity and who I was when I had the baby. And for a while, that was true. I felt like a cow with no life other than feeding a baby all day and all night. I won't lie--I felt overwhelmed, stretched to the breaking point, like how could I continue down this path?

It's hard, but those baby smiles, those sweet coos, the warmth and love I feel from my 3 month old curled against my shoulder would make me go through it all again.

My DH is amazing and wonderful and sweet, but he won't ever understand the depths of my soul that I'm giving up for this child. The sleepless nights, the utter exhaustion, giving up all my free time for this perfect little baby. It's rough, it's not for sissies, but it's the forge that can mold you into something amazing.

Good luck, whatever path you take!

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

AnnaK1985 said:

AFwifelife said:

Yes it will be a change for your husband. Mine had a hard time dealing with the adjustment of having a newborn in the house and my post-partum hormones but after a heart-to-heart or two, he was able to understand a bit better what went into taking care of a baby. It's not always easy to have a baby. There are many times that I wanted to rip my hair out I was so angry that DS only took a 20 minute nap or just so exhausted that I wished I could just shut everything out for 5 more minutes of sleep. Those feelings are balanced out with all the great things that DS has done. Cuddling on the couch as he falls asleep for a nap, seeing him figure out how to flip pages of a book or walk across the room, and leaning in for kisses are all amazing.

It's OK to be sad that your life will change if you decide to parent. It's equally OK to feel like you aren't ready or you don't know enough to be a parent. Hell most days I just wing it with DS. If it works, awesome. If it doesn't, I know not to try that again. Parenting is very much about being in control and out of control all at the same time. There are good days and bad days. Take the time to process everything. Parenting is wonderful as well as giving someone else the gift of parenting.

I don't see how things are going to change for him, though. He's still going to get to do whatever he pleases. He's not that type of person, but if he wanted to go away for a week by himself for himself, he can.

Well kinda but not. Yes he technically can do as he pleases but if you do decide to parent, you would need to let him know that you need help. When discussing the option between parenting and adoption, be sure to let him know that you will need help taking care of the baby. I thought the same way and at first did everything myself. I was miserable. When I finally had that heart-to-heart I mentioned earlier, DH stepped up. Without any communication or direction, he didn't know how he could help.

No, I know they can help, and I know he will, but it's not like they're completely tied to a baby.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

Also I wanted to add that for at least this message board, you will get a majority of responses that lean towards parenting since that is what most of us have chosen, regardless of if the pregnancy is planned or not. You might find some different responses on the Adoption board if you want to get a perspective from those who chose to place, have been placed, or have adopted.

I am not asking about adoption or abortion.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

I was just going to say what AFwifelife said. You are not "tied" to the baby either. In fact, it's important that you both feel able to have time away from the day to day.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

Technically you aren't tied to the baby either, it's a choice that you make. Just because you have a child doesn't mean that you have to stay home and take care of the baby 24/7. Some ladies can't imagine being a SAH parent because they want the balance between an "adult life" and a "baby life". You can still go on vacations, enjoy date nights, and taking time for yourself.

But vacations would include taking a baby with us.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

ASmallWonder said:

I was just going to say what AFwifelife said. You are not "tied" to the baby either. In fact, it's important that you both feel able to have time away from the day to day.

But how am I supposed to do that when I can't even drive?

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

AnnaK1985 said:

AFwifelife said:

Technically you aren't tied to the baby either, it's a choice that you make. Just because you have a child doesn't mean that you have to stay home and take care of the baby 24/7. Some ladies can't imagine being a SAH parent because they want the balance between an "adult life" and a "baby life". You can still go on vacations, enjoy date nights, and taking time for yourself.

But vacations would include taking a baby with us.

At first yes but that's not always true. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a newborn for a weekend but if I lived closer to family, I would be fine with leaving DS for a night or possibly 2 at a year old. Then when this LO is around 2-3 and DS would be 4-5, we are thinking of leaving them with my mom so we can go on a cruise.

Really though, adding a child to your life doesn't subtract your personal life. It's normal and healthy to keep your individuality. Having DS just added another title to my name just like when you get married. It doesn't change who you are, just adds to who you already are.

I'm sorry, but I really see everything as totally over. You say a year, and even then it's just a weekend. I've been looking online on several sites, and many women say you can't leave your kids until they're x age, and several say they don't think it's right at all.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

AFwifelife said:

AnnaK1985 said:

I'm sorry, but I really see everything as totally over. You say a year, and even then it's just a weekend. I've been looking online on several sites, and many women say you can't leave your kids until they're x age, and several say they don't think it's right at all.

Look I'm trying to be helpful and sympathetic to your situation. I just told you what I would be comfortable with. Is it the same for everyone? No. Is it going to be the same for you? Maybe not. But there is no right and wrong here. Everyone has different comfort levels and beliefs as to parenting. What I can tell you is that you will have time away from your children eventually. It's not going to be you being "tied down" for the rest of your life. They do grow up and get older. They do go to school (unless you want to homeschool). They do eventually mold their own lives and move away. Having children isn't a death sentence. If you truly feel that way, maybe you should look into adoption. It's not fair to you or the child to be stuck in a perpetually unhappy situation.

There's no reason for you to get rude. If I pissed you off, I'm sorry, but you certainly don't have to stick around if I'm troubling you.

ASmallWonder · October 2014

Here's the thing - it's all a matter of perspective. Not being able to drive myself around would make ME feel far more limited than I've ever felt having children. I'm not saying it's that way for everyone but you do need to sit back and take a hard look at your situation, what's important to you and how you may adapt to the change. It's not something to approach unless your heart is in it and you seem to say one minute you don't see yourself doing anything but parenting and in the next breath that you already see your life as over. That outlook isn't a good first step for anyone involved.

AnnaK1985 · October 2014

ASmallWonder said:

Here's the thing - it's all a matter of perspective. Not being able to drive myself around would make ME feel far more limited than I've ever felt having children. I'm not saying it's that way for everyone but you do need to sit back and take a hard look at your situation, what's important to you and how you may adapt to the change. It's not something to approach unless your heart is in it and you seem to say one minute you don't see yourself doing anything but parenting and in the next breath that you already see your life as over. That outlook isn't a good first step for anyone involved.

I already feel quite limited being unable to drive. And then to add a baby on top of that, the words I want to use just don't feel right, so I'll go with the stupid sounding "ultra-limited."

ASmallWonder · October 2014

Why can't you drive?

ASmallWonder · October 2014

And listen, I don't want to come across like I'm trying to convince you of something you don't want to do. But having a baby doesn't have to be ultra limiting. If someone gives you rides places you learn how to install the car seat, you master it, you do it and the child comes with you. The diaper bag becomes second nature like your purse and your phone. You can travel if you want to and you plan for it.

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