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Freaking Out (Possible TW)

rin89rin89 member
in Parenting
My hubby and I are friends with a soon to be married couple that we met at college. We love these people and even have a weekly "double date" where we cook for each other, watch movies, play games, and just generally have a good time all night. We spend hours talking about everything from gender inequality, to musical techniques, to favorite sex positions. Basically, we know this people really well. Or, I thought so anyway.

About a month ago the gf said they had received some really great news from the doctor about the bf. She really wanted to share but he "wasn't ready yet". I figured it had something to do with fertility or maybe he's made a big break through with his OCD. Fast forward to last night, and there were a bunch of us who went out and got a little drunk. The gf, again, brought up that she had news she wanted to share and now had bf's blessing. But she didn't think sharing it when we were both drunk was a great idea. I said cool sounds good to me, but then she mentions that this other friend who was with us knows because it was on the news. I thought it was odd that he had made the news (I was still thinking fertility or something) but brushed it off and moved on with my night.

Tonight curiosity got the better of me and I did a quick Google search. I was immediately sick to my stomach. This friend was indicted on child porn charges (and admitted to it in court). He's not in jail and this happened back in August, so I'm assuming the "good news from the doctor" has something to do with a court mandated evaluation.

Outside of processing the implications of all of this I'm also really worried about my husband. I don't know how he's going to take this news and I don't know if I should warn him before this friend decides to share it with us. Hubby has a terrible poker face, every thought and feeling is clearly displayed for all to see. And I'm worried an already...uncomfortable conversation will be made even worse. God, I just don't know what the fuck to do and I'm still processing everything myself.


TL;DR- A friend I thought I knew well was indicted on child porn charges. I don't know how the hell to handle the situation and needed someplace to vent.


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Re: Freaking Out (Possible TW)

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  • rin89rin89 member
    rvasc said:
    I have so many thoughts. First, are you letting this dude be around your kids? You need to tell your H asap so he does not allow that.
    We don't have kids yet or I would have really flipped my shit. I'm also hoping that the gf would have let me know what was going on earlier. Apparently, the initial arrest happened back in March.


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  • rin89rin89 member
    rvasc said:
    Second, I could not possibly keep any of this from my husband. That's us, you might be different.
    This is where I'm at. I don't know if I'm capable of keeping it from him, we talk about everything. I think it's just denial, but part of me is hoping that it is magically a giant misunderstanding and I want to give the friend an opportunity to explain himself.

    But then I think back to other conversations we've had where he would mention that he didn't like talking about his porn preferences because it was "dark" and he didn't want to make people uncomfortable. I thought he just had a foot fetish or something 


    :-&


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  • rin89rin89 member
    edited October 2014
    And now I'm feeling guilty for googling him. Which I know is incredibly stupid because he's the one who broke the law. It's his own fault that it's part of the public record. 


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  • rin89rin89 member
    MrsGiantPenis said:
    I'm really confused what a doctor had to do with this, and why the GF wanted to share the news so badly. If found out H was looking at child porn I would want to go hide under a rock, not tell my friends.
    This is what has me holding on to some tiny shred of hope. Sh's repeatedly referred to at as "good news" and I really wouldn't expect her to stay with someone who knowingly consumed child pornography. Then again, I didn't think he was the type to watch it so what the fuck do I know?


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  • rin89rin89 member
    All of you are right. I'm just reaching at this point. I just can't even begin to comprehend everything and knowing I have to tell my husband makes it even worse. And I can't even tell him until at least Monday. We have (different) friends coming to stay with us for the long weekend. He'll be destroyed when I tell him and I can't do that on what was supposed to be a fun weekend. 


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  • Mags748Mags748 member
    I think if you had already known about the guys charges, it would be more appropriate for her to say there was good news from the Dr related to that. But given that they told you nothing yet, there is no good news to share with you. It's not like "good news, BF was arrested for child porn but the doctor said it's not his fault."

    And that is completely disgusting if he meant child porn when he called his preferences "dark". If that's the case I hope he is very mentally ill and cannot tell how wrong that is.
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  • MaebbMaebb member
    I'm sorry - that's really disturbing.

    I would wait until after the weekend and then tell my H (unless you're going to see that couple over the weekend, then I'd tell him before), and then I'd probably try to have coffee or something with just the girlfriend to try to talk about it. But I would cut ties if the charges are legit.
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  • Mags748Mags748 member
    enigmaticdrscully said:


    Mags748 said:

    I think if you had already known about the guys charges, it would be more appropriate for her to say there was good news from the Dr related to that. But given that they told you nothing yet, there is no good news to share with you. It's not like "good news, BF was arrested for child porn but the doctor said it's not his fault."

    And that is completely disgusting if he meant child porn when he called his preferences "dark". If that's the case I hope he is very mentally ill and cannot tell how wrong that is.

    I cannot think of a mental illness that would excuse child pornography. And I'm a psychiatrist.

    I guess I was saying this I'm relation to the "good news" from the Dr being in relation to the charges. I can also see someone who has this addiction trying to justify it to themselves that they are not doing something bad because they are only looking at pictures, videos etc. And to clarify, I don't agree with that line of thinking, because obviously the children in the pictures and videos are real people and actual victims, so the viewers are just as bad as the people who filmed the children.

    So yes on some level he knows it's wrong and I don't think any news from a Dr could excuse the behavior or should lessen the charges.
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  • insertclevernameinsertclevername member
    I don't really understand why you are struggling with telling your husband. I get that you are good friends with these people but now that you know what you know, it is time to bring your H into the loop. I am all for innocent until proven guilty but your H at least deserves to know that his friend has been arrested for child porn.

    As for whether you should remain friends that is up to you. In this situation I would not. If he was arrested in March and they have not said anything to you guys, I would be inclined to think he is guilty. Wrongfully accused people don't typically stay silent about a situation for months.
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  • HelenahhandbasketHelenahhandbasket member
    Lilygrace48 said:
    I think that the gf must be talking about something else. There is zero chance, if this was my bf, that I'd be happy about sharing anything related to those charges with anyone. I assume the good news is something else. However, now you have this information, you can't un-have it. I would tell dh, if these friends aren't involved in the weekend, I don't see a problem with waiting. I would not reach out to them and not be available when they called me.

    This is where I am at too.  I am super confused.

    What was the good news?

     

    BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12

    Lilypie - (TUWi)

     

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  • stra0111stra0111 member
    I would tell DH immediately. Then I would probably send the link (the one you found with the child porn info) to your friend (the gf) with a big fat question mark. She can then try and explain and that gives you an opportunity to tell them you must cut ties. I would not tip toe around or just avoid them. I also don't see why it matters that your DH would make it "uncomfortable" with his reaction. His reaction is 110% warranted. However, I would not even see these people face to face again so that wouldn't even factor in. That is a really shitty situation though. I'm sorry you lost some good friends.
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  • angelashlyangelashly member
    Yeah I'm just going to piggyback everyone else's advice. Tell and then cut them off


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  • theseawordtheseaword member
    I echo the PPs. The dr thing has to be unrelated. Maybe they didn't plan to tell you about the charges.


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  • Soxgirl07Soxgirl07 member
    It sounds like you're in disbelief and want to see this through. The MOST I would do is call friend, say I was curious last night and googled. This is what I found. Please explain. Now.

    I can't imagine a scenario which would end with anything but telling her I had to cut off ties and encourage her to do the same.
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  • Pips09Pips09 member
    Everything about this is just disturbing. From the child porn to the GF having "good news" to share about it. If she said it was regarding something in the news, it must be related to the charges, right? Either way, you found what you found and there's no going back. End of friendship, seriously. And I'd tell my H immediately.
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  • NotSharknadoNotSharknado member
    NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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  • NotSharknadoNotSharknado member
    BYE FELICIA
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  • rin89rin89 member
    PrivacyWanted said:
    I agree with telling your H. The part I'm stuck on is what made you google? If it was something about a doctor why would that be found on google with HIPPA and all? Have you really heard no rumbling rumors despite the news coverage? And I can see him getting bail pending conviction but not avoiding a 290 registration and prison completely if convicted. So eventually this is going to come out, and I'd rather be the one to cut ties and tell DH so it doesn't end up I knew and didn't say
    I honestly hadn't heard a single word. And everyone involved is part of the music department, gossip spreads like wildfire there. I'm really just as baffled as everyone else about the whole good news from the doc thing. It makes zero sense to me and I too wondered if it was unrelated. But then she specifically mentioned that what she wanted to share had been on one of the local news stations. 

    I googled out of pure curiosity, I was really thinking it was going to be something like "Hey, this local doctor has had success with this cool experimental treatment. And here is a happy patient to talk about his journey!" I researched the shit out of this guy last night and he is not on the sex offender registry and I found nothing outside of the one article saying he had been indicted. So I have no clue what is going on.

    Just to clarify, there was never a question of whether or not to tell DH. I keep very, very few things from my husband and certainly nothing this big. I'm contacting the gf as soon as I'm done typing this to try and get her side of the story. I will then tell my husband and give him the time he needs to process everything. The only reason I haven't contacted her yet is because I've been at work all morning. 

    My husband and this guy are in many classes together. Short of dropping out of school there is no way we will never see him again. I need to let my husband know before hand so he has time to process everything before this inevitable contact occurs. 

    I really do appreciate all the input. I've never been in a situation like this before (thank god) and just needed help processing everything. We have (had) Halloween plans, they boys get together twice a week to study theory, I'm supposed to be her friggin' matron of honor. This is more than just a "hey let's not hang out with them again" kind of thing. They basically are family, and I don't have much of that right now. So losing them, because of his actions, is completly heartbreaking.


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  • rin89rin89 member
    bearsbearsbears said:
    I don't mean to say that people with kids are more ambivalent, but I'm just saying my immediate response with a kid is to cut ties and think about it later. I would probably take longer to process it before cutting ties (which I would ultimately do) if I didn't have an immediate urge to protect.
    I totally get what you're saying. We don't have kids (and neither do they) so mama bear instincts are quite as strong. If I did there wouldn't even be a question of immediately cutting all ties and making sure my children were safe.


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  • rin89rin89 member
    The gf and I have graduated the guys have not. It's a pretty small program, so at the very least they will have to see each other in classes and have to work with each for shows.

    I've contacted the gf and asked for an explanation. As soon as I have more than one short article from August to go on, I'll talk with my husband and we'll have a clear plan of action. 


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  • rin89rin89 member
    fredalina said:
    Please let us know what gf says. This whole thing is so strange.
    It really is. I specifically asked her to explain the whole "good news" thing. 

    I know many people probably think I'm a troll or something and I wish to God I was. I wish this wasn't real.


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  • jesuisfatigueejesuisfatiguee member
    triplea598 said:
    I'm sorry you're going through this. Even if it were a family member, I would still cut off communication from them. That is just me, personally though. I hope everything works out for the best for you and your H.
    I am with you, triplea. Not everyone would handle this situation the same way, but this is the reason I don't talk to my own brother anymore. 



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  • freebutterfly7freebutterfly7 member
    Ugh - so sorry. This is such a disturbing situation - no wonder you're having trouble knowing how to handle it. It's sad for all of you in one way or another. Hopefully this is a situation you and your husband can support each other through. Praying for clarity and help through the whole thing.
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  • ShamyCoolerShamyCooler member

    My guess is the "good news" from a doctor could be related to a pre-sentence sex offender psych report. Although, I still have a hard time believing that you guys are so close that you talk about sex positions, favorite porn, etc and yet you've never heard any rumors from others about an arrest (and it sounds like guilty plea) months ago.

    Personally, I would have no problem cutting both of these people out of my life. If the GF feels this is good news, I have no room for her in my life either.

     

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  • RondackHikerRondackHiker member
    uconnhuskie007 said:

    Coming from left field, given that he's not been convicted, I don't necessarily agree with "share the article with anyone he comes in contact with".  


    He has a right to be tried.  I would personally cut off communication but I wouldn't go spreading the word like a witch hunt yet either. 

    I also don't believe that her good news had an ounce to do with this.  How is that even possible?
    If it was just rumors, I'd be more careful. But a news article, when trials can take years?

    Id share with anyone who brings their kids near him. The risks are too high.


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  • theseawordtheseaword member
    Is computer dr a real thing?


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