How much is DH/SO helping out?

midwestFNP · September 2014

First off-I love my DH. He is a wonderful man. But sometimes I wanna kill him.

The man can fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything. This is becoming more of a problem as he is basically zero help with DD. He can't help me put her to bed because 1) he falls asleep on the couch at around 8. This is when bedtime routine for DD starts, 2) he is horrible at soothing her!! I've tried to give pointers but he just tries for like 5 minutes and passes her off to me. He just doesn't get it quite yet. I'm sure he will but right now not so much. She can be screaming crying and he will sleep through it! The other night i went to a happy hour birthday party at his urging because he wanted to watch DD by himself and "see how it went". Well I was gone 3 hours and left him with pumped milk and he said all she did was cry. Great. He also never hears her in the MOTN so I am always up with her. Not once has he gotten up and even if I did wake him, I'm afraid he would fall asleep while caring for her. He does get up early for work, but I'm going back to work soon too and dreading the continuation of this routine. So, how does your DH/SO help out? I'm a one-woman show here ladies and it's wearing me thin.

rockyrollgirl · September 2014

My answer is that I do most of the child care and housework since I am a SAHM. I get up during the night as I EBF and he gets up around 3-4 am to commute to work.

I am fine with it as he really steps up during the weekend and when he gets home from work without me even having to ask.

If I was feeling like he could help more, I would talk to him about it.

SLMckinnon · September 2014

My DH has been wonderful. I try not to make him get up too often in the night because he has to get up to go to work, but if I've been up for a little while with LO he'll check on us and make sure I'm doing ok and don't need anything. Once he's home from work he basically takes over for me until she needs to be fed. I know I'm lucky to have DH so willing to help, I would be a wreck on my own

BeachM · September 2014

rockyrollgirl said:
My answer is that I do most of the child care and housework since I am a SAHM. I get up during the night as I EBF and he gets up around 3-4 am to commute to work.

I am fine with it as he really steps up during the weekend and when he gets home from work without me even having to ask.

If I was feeling like he could help more, I would talk to him about it.

All of this. I FF but DH leaves for work at 4:30am and doesn't get home until close to 7pm and I feel like he needs the limited amount of sleep he gets in order to function at a very stressful job.

wandsandwine · September 2014

When DS was waking up every 2 hours DH would take every other shift so we could both get some rest. Now that DS only wakes twice a night DH is in charge of soothing him if I can't get him back to sleep during nursing. On his days off he stays up with him once he's awake and let's me go back to bed. DS gets 1-2 formula bottles a day so DH let's me sleep a few hours and gives the formula.

midwestFNP · September 2014

Wow you ladies are lucky! I feel bad ragging on him but I just don't know how to fix this right now. He really is a great husband and loves DD more than anything. It's just taking him a while to figure out ways to help me I guess and foster his own relationship with LO. Maybe I need to be more forthright with him and get him more involved. Bad thing is I am a control freak and if I see things aren't working with DD after a while, I feel I have to take over.

caybeh · September 2014

DH is great help. DH comes home and takes DS (who is 2.5) and occupies him. That is more helpful to me as DD gets really fussy at night. DH has tried to take her, but she'll just scream until I get her back. DH does take her later at night once she has settled down and DS is in bed. On the weekends, DH lets me sleep in and will watch both kids. I do the MOTN but there is always an agreement that if I need help, I can always wake him. And there are some nights I do wake him. I'm a SAHM too and try to get housework done. If I don't, no worries, DH will help on the weekends. DH has also done the grocery shopping lately, which is also a huge help.

Venus04 · September 2014

DH does all night feedings since I EP and does almost all of the housework, but then I take her most of the day. All in all, I'd say DH does more than I do. I'm the one "helping out" when needed. But after pregnancy and delivery, I think that's the way it should be. It's his turn for a while.

rockyrollgirl · September 2014

JoShan1719 said:

midwestFNP said:
First off-I love my DH. He is a wonderful man. But sometimes I wanna kill him. The man can fall asleep anywhere and sleep through anything. This is becoming more of a problem as he is basically zero help with DD. He can't help me put her to bed because 1) he falls asleep on the couch at around 8. This is when bedtime routine for DD starts, 2) he is horrible at soothing her!! I've tried to give pointers but he just tries for like 5 minutes and passes her off to me. He just doesn't get it quite yet. I'm sure he will but right now not so much. She can be screaming crying and he will sleep through it! The other night i went to a happy hour birthday party at his urging because he wanted to watch DD by himself and "see how it went". Well I was gone 3 hours and left him with pumped milk and he said all she did was cry. Great. He also never hears her in the MOTN so I am always up with her. Not once has he gotten up and even if I did wake him, I'm afraid he would fall asleep while caring for her. He does get up early for work, but I'm going back to work soon too and dreading the continuation of this routine. So, how does your DH/SO help out? I'm a one-woman show here ladies and it's wearing me thin.
I could have written this post. BF and I have talked about him helping more but he basically feels like he doesn't have to help much since he's working 12 hour shifts. That wouldn't bother me so much if he helped on his days off, but he just goes out with his friends or sleeps.

Unacceptable. You need a break too.

ungraceful13 · September 2014

DH is great. He gets up for all cries in the middle of the night. If soothing doesn't work he comes and lets me know the baby is hungry. Then he changes him and reswaddles him. Lately he has been giving him a bottle and I have been pumping. He also takes care of DD right away when he gets home. Overall he is fantastic. Do I have my complaints yes but overall he is great.

Daisylola11 · September 2014

I'm a SAHM too and DH wakes up at 5am m-f for work and gets home at 5pm so I do all the MOTN feeding and diaper changes. He does help w DS when he gets home so I can shower or eat, and the weekends he takes him so I can sleep in a bit. But for the most part I do the baby stuff and I'm just getting use to adding house work when it's just me and baby. But I do have hard nights where I get so mad he's just sleeping all night and snoring lol

raquelynn714 · September 2014

My DH helps a lot, too. If you're worried about continuing on this path when you return to work, you definitely need to talk to your DH. Shit ain't the same as when he grew up and witnessed his fathers level of contribution raising children. You're a working momma! Good luck

SherryBaby2014 · September 2014

DH has been working late this whole week and getting home later than 8pm (yesterday it was after 12 am). When he was getting home around 6:30 (when he should get home) I need to encourage him to get off the computer to spend time with her. Basically his only available time to be with her is 6:30-9:30 with a few BF sessions and dinner mixed in that time. He definitely doesn't help with the overnight stuff but I'm breastfeeding so that's that.

I had this thought that he might be able to do the evening bath as a fun soothing bonding time while she's awake and alert...but that's only happened once so far. This week has been especially depressing in regards to DH being around.

He does help on more weekends because I insist that I get out of the house for an hour or two (grocery shop...eye doctor...whatever.) He told me this morning that he'll likely work this weekend.

haliebabyx3 · September 2014

I do a lot of it, especially when he works his four days. I actually do it all then. He helps out while he's off, but I still do the majority of it. It bums me out at times, especially since we had to go to formula so he can definitely help out more. He just freaks at the smallest sound and gets aggravated saying he can't do what I do. He just changed his first poop diaper two days ago actually.

midwestFNP · September 2014

raquelynn714 said:
Shit ain't the same as when he grew up and witnessed his fathers level of contribution raising children.

Amen to this! DH's mom has never worked, even after he was in school full time or went off to college. That has always baffled me because his father works in a factory for modest wages so I know they could have used the extra income. DH is an only child so I'm sure he's used to the June Cleaver SAHM like his wacky mother and a somewhat absentee father who worked long/odd hours. Well that's not us so I guess it's time for a come to Jesus meetin'!!

MC03 · September 2014

DH does 90% of the cooking. He bathes both girls. He wakes up to change DD2's diaper in the MOTN after I feed her. We take turns getting to sleep in a little on the weekend. He's not the best at soothing DD2 when she is really fussy and usually hands her back to me. But overall he is very helpful and I am very lucky.

ErnieZippy · September 2014

Good to see so many DH's/SO's helping so much!

gahorseygal · September 2014

I do so much but partly because I feel it's my job. I do work from home but it is very part time. Its hard to find time to work but DH is getting more comfortable with LO and actually took care of her tonight and put her to bed so I could get work done. Go DH! He does help around the house and is slowly helping more with LO and will always try when I ask.

Jenrileysmom · September 2014

DH tries to help when he's around but since he works away through the week, he doesn't know the routine and doesn't seem to be able to get LO back to sleep or comforted very quickly. Unless I'm needing a break or in the middle of something else, it's mostly easier just to do things myself.

What really pisses me off about DH is that he's fine with missing our daughter's activities even during the times he would actually be able to come. So far he has missed all of her games for cheerleading and the last 2 he would have been able to make it but chose not to come and now tomorrow afternoon they are having family picture day at school and he's getting home tomorrow morning from work but he's already made plans to go shoot his crossbow with a buddy and isn't going to be able to come to the school after all. He can be a real jerk. He's such a guy.

kraft333 · September 2014

Not much help right now, but I'm on mat leave till Dec and he's working super hard. Things are going to even out at the end of the year, but since I'm not yet pumping and can be 100% on baby time for now, I'm not (too) mad about it.

My thing is that I need to be better about asking for help and not trying to do everything myself all the time. I'm working on it.

slippintrippn84 · September 2014

Tonight I talked with DH about him helping more. He told me that I have to tell him what I need. I think it's pretty FN obvious what needs to be done when there are tumbleweeds of dog fur rolling around the whole house, an overflowing pile of laundry, a counter full of dirty dishes, an over grown yard, restless dogs, and a grody bathroom. Not to mention a frazzled unbathed wife and screaming infant. I told him I want him to get up with the baby and he said he would once I go back to work and that I can just "sleep when the baby sleeps during the day." I told him I was going to take my pump and leave him with the baby for the whole day this weekend so he can see what it's like being at home with LO all day. It's not like I sit around eating snacks and watching TV. I'm trying to multitask as much as possible so that when LO finally sleeps for longer than 15 minutes I can shower or tackle larger tasks that take longer, all between pumping every 3 hours. He also tried to suggest that I pump and feed LO at the same time when its the MOTN. I do that ALL.DAY.LONG and I like to have free arms to massage all the milk out or to use them to eat or not be hunched over with the baby. No, I don't want to move the pump back into the nursery, unless I get a fridge in there as well. No, I'm not ready to quit pumping and switch to FFing yet. He just doesn't get it. This conversation between us is not over and I'm going to keep pushing the issue that he cannot just leave it all to me. We have 6 weeks till I go back to work and the load has got to even out now so we can adjust to it.
ugh.
*rant over*

tamarar5 · September 2014

My DH works overnights and sleeps days so he's zero help like 90% of the day. And he's another one of those guys who could sleep anywhere, at any time, through anything. When he's awake those couple of hours before he goes to work, he does help out some. He'll change diapers, hold the baby, or play with DS. But that's about it. At night, I'm completely on my own, and it kind of sucks. I fell asleep the other day, sitting up on the couch with DD2 sleeping in the Moby because she was so crabby!

rainbowwillow · September 2014

SO doesn't help at MOTN times because I'm off & he's working. I feel bad asking him to help & he's not great at soothing a colicky LO. He gets really frustrated easily & I think it makes LO cry even harder.
It's rough taking the graveyard shift alone, I feel for all us ladies in the same boat.
Outside of directly caring for LO he does some housework (the man is a bit if a slob) and some cooking.
When I go back to work we are going to have to figure out a way to split the graveyard shift because there's no way it can continue like this.

midwestFNP · September 2014

To further plead my case...DH fell asleep on the couch around 9. I put DD to sleep and left him there for awhile. I woke him up and told him to come to bed since it was around 10.30 and he has to be in surgery tomorrow very early for work and I don't want him to miss his alarm. I am sitting here waiting for him and I go out and now he has fallen asleep sitting up. FML.

FrodaBaggins · September 2014

I'm home on maternity leave and my husband gets up at 5:30 every morning for work. 2 days a week he works double shifts. Both his jobs are very physical and tiring, and he is the type of person who really needs his sleep, so I'm up at night with the baby every time. The other hard thing is that LO never took to the bassinet by our bed, and it's very hit or miss with the crib in his nursery. So most of the time he sleeps in the living room in his snugabunny chair and I'm on the couch next to him. I think I'll move the bassinet and put the chair on my side of the bed, but that would put him next to the bookshelf and we live in earthquake territory so...I'm hesitant! My husband is really great with him on the weekends though - he does his best but I've only just started pumping now and this weekend will be his first time giving the baby a bottle. When LO is really super upset, sometimes the only thing that will calm him is my hubs putting him in the Moby wrap and walking around the house. It gives me a break and it's such a relief! But my husband does give up really easily in my opinion. When LO is fed, dry, not tired and all his needs are met, but he's still fussing and nothing's working, I can tell my husband is incredibly relieved to be able to give the baby to me like, "here, you figure it out!" I go back to work in 7 weeks and I'm desperately hoping LO is more consistently in his crib. I'll need to have a conversation with my hubs about him helping me more and splitting the duties more evenly.

Peedy · September 2014

We've had trouble with a latch, so I've been almost exclusively pumping... This has made it so DH can help a ton. He took ALL the feedings last night even though he is already back to work. At the end of the two week paternity leave he had to teach me how to use the car seat and stroller... He's also better at soothing LO than I am... He is way more involved than I ever thought he would be.

CleanQueen · September 2014

DH helps out alot with DD since she seems to have an issue with me lately - since DS arrived. I don't bother him at night since he has to work and I ebf unless DD wakes up or I really can't get DS back down and I know he's not hungry.

abnelsen22 · September 2014

My husband helps quite a bit. He takes a night feeding. He changes diapers and tries to help soothe. Sometimes I have to explicitly ask (instead if him just seeing what needs to be done - which can be frustrating). But overall he's very helpful.

JadaBlue · September 2014

We're first time parents and DH is still home too, so at this point we're partners rather than one helping the other. This will no doubt shift when he goes back to work, but he's taking leave after I go back to work, so hopefully that will reset the balance.

jenniferurs · September 2014

DH does more than I do, honestly. But then, neither of us are working at the moment. Once he goes back to work full time, I'll do more of the night time stuff.

herecomesthesun · September 2014

H feels useless but he's really doing lots of things to help. He changes most diapers when he's home, he burps or trades off with me, if LO won't go to sleep, he will walk him around to calm him. He's calm when I've lost it and visa versa. LO is EBF so H feels like he can't compare but really, he's impressively hands-on.

But that was also the deal because I'm going back to work. We have to figure things out before that happens. If I were SAHM, then I would probably end up doing more of the night time shift.

skalnajs · September 2014

H probably has physical contact with LO for about a total of 25 minutes a day. He has class and work from about 6:30a-6:30p so he's not home much. When he has a break in between he might come home for a nap but he usually goes to the gym. Saturday mornings he always goes to the gym for about 3 hours. Once or twice a week he'll take a MOTN feeding. LO is 3 weeks and fusses a lot- it's getting to the point where H can't soothe him bc he's never around him.

H tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps as well.... But like then our home would be a wreck and id never get my own homework done.

shugirl76 · September 2014

DH has done more than I have honestly post pardum. He and I split the night shift because he is not working but when he returns back in ten days, I'll have to do more. He has taken very single 4 am shift, as that is when I go to bed, but I don't get up until 11:00 am. We are EFF, so that makes it easier. He is so good with her. Yesterday I had to have a post pardum D and C, and he and my mom split being me, and he was just awesome. He can drive me crazy most of the time, snd we have our fair share of tiffs, but I will keep him.

SherryBaby2014 · September 2014

skalnajs said:
H probably has physical contact with LO for about a total of 25 minutes a day. He has class and work from about 6:30a-6:30p so he's not home much. When he has a break in between he might come home for a nap but he usually goes to the gym. Saturday mornings he always goes to the gym for about 3 hours. Once or twice a week he'll take a MOTN feeding. LO is 3 weeks and fusses a lot- it's getting to the point where H can't soothe him bc he's never around him.

H tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps as well.... But like then our home would be a wreck and id never get my own homework done.

With all that gym time I hope you H at least has a hot body! Although you're likely too tired to enjoy it anyways.

camichalski · September 2014

Does telling me how to breast feed help? I am using breast shields and every day he comes home from work and asked if I tried without them. He thinks as soon as we are done using them we can go anywhere we want. I keep trying to explain to him that's not what is going to help. I am not going on long outings until lo stops his 45 min bf sessions. It has nothing to do with comfort level of bfing!!!! I just don't want to be sitting somewhere else not being able to do anything while we are out. What would be the point!?!?!?!

skalnajs · September 2014

SherryBaby2014 said:

skalnajs said:
H probably has physical contact with LO for about a total of 25 minutes a day. He has class and work from about 6:30a-6:30p so he's not home much. When he has a break in between he might come home for a nap but he usually goes to the gym. Saturday mornings he always goes to the gym for about 3 hours. Once or twice a week he'll take a MOTN feeding. LO is 3 weeks and fusses a lot- it's getting to the point where H can't soothe him bc he's never around him.

H tells me to sleep when the baby sleeps as well.... But like then our home would be a wreck and id never get my own homework done.
With all that gym time I hope you H at least has a hot body! Although you're likely too tired to enjoy it anyways.

lol it's not bad to look at! At this point though- I'd be ok if H got a little "dad pooch" from being home and snacking instead.

poofwok · September 2014

I let FI sleep during the week as he works full time. So I take care of the baby overnight and through out the day. He helps out after work and on weekends. He's been really great.

HeatherHam10 · September 2014

Helps a lot and I don't know how I'd do it without him. He is back to work so when he gets home he is on baby duty. He feeds, changes and plays with him. He also has put LO to sleep every night since he was born. I do currently do the MOTN feeding but he takes the one early before he goes to work.

It's both of our child and I believe it should be a partnership not just one or the other regardless if you're at home and he's working. I'd be so exhausted doing it all on my own.

cachoque · September 2014

DH is changing diapers for MOTN feedings to give me that extra 5 minutes to get myself ready for the feed - usually, it's like hitting the snooze button, lol. He takes LO when he's home and feeds the bottle if I (ie, my nipples) need a BF break, definitely likes to hold him when LO is pleasant, and *tries* to soothe, although not for extended periods (he usually starts campaigning to put LO back on the boob if LO doesn't quiet down in 5 minutes - which was annoying at first but I'm getting over that). He also cooks dinner several nights. He's doing a good job overall. He works 40 hours M-Th.

The issue for me is that I'm naturally critical and a perfectionist (a classic Virgo!) and I just can't shut up when he's tending to LO. There's a ton of little things to nitpick, like how he's holding him or how he's burping him, and I usually do.

I need to accept that no one, not even daddy, will make LO as pleasant (& quiet!) as me - and it's not bc of bad technique, it's simply bc I'm mommy. DH usually keeps his emotions inside but I can tell that I'm getting to him. Trying to figure out how to express what I I feel/think without demotivating him or making him feel stupid. Anyone else feeling this way?

kraft333 · September 2014

@cachoque‌ I get this impulse, totally. Just remember that he needs to do things "wrong" so he can figure out his own way of doing things right. It's awesome that you see this corrective tendency in yourself (and I share it!). My approach is to see if I can catch myself before I act/speak from my mommy high horse, and consciously take a pause and give DH a minute or two of space. If I spend that time breathing and relaxing (as opposed to getting anxious), my guidance to him is usually much kinder and more welcome on his end!

marathonmommy82 · September 2014

Everything except BF! I'm on mat leave and he's back to work but he knows that being home with a NB is hard work.
We divide and conquer with the two kids, so each of us with bathe one and get that kid ready for bed
He'll play with DS while I BF DD or hold DD while I play with DS
he's really good at soothing DD and working out her gas and holds her often when he's home from work.
Cooks dinner
Does a MOTN feeding with expressed milk, puts her back down after I BF MOTN if she's fussy.
He's taking a 4 week paternity leave after I go back to work in November. Saves us a month of daycare and gives him more time to bond with her.
He's an amazing dad and H. I'm very lucky

Want a personalized experience?

How much is DH/SO helping out?

Re: How much is DH/SO helping out?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards