Afraid of hand-me downs...

MalVough · September 2014

I grew up with three siblings including an older sister. I get hand-me downs and how important they can be to a family on a fixed budget.

So why do I have a problem with hand-me downs from other people's children?

As a FTM, I want to go shopping and do the whole baby registry thing. I feel like some of the fun is being taken away when hand-me downs are offered. And the thought of old baby drool and caked-on food freaks me out.

I'm grateful. I really am. But just curious if other FTMs (past and present) feel the same way? Or do I need to get over myself?

ashleyrh661 · September 2014

I would never take something that was dirty. Anything that I ever got from friends was clean and in great shape. Also I would never give second hand items to friends that is dirty and not up to my standards. Totally understand being excited about getting new things though! You will soon realize that babies grow so quick and go through toys/clothes like crazy and you will be more ok with hand me downs. My son is now in preschool and I buy most his clothes second hand because he ruins them at school. Not that I don't buy him special occasion stuff or cute things I see at Target.

janda426 · September 2014

MalVough said:
I grew up with three siblings including an older sister. I get hand-me downs and how important they can be to a family on a fixed budget.

So why do I have a problem with hand-me downs from other people's children?

As a FTM, I want to go shopping and do the whole baby registry thing. I feel like some of the fun is being taken away when hand-me downs are offered. And the thought of old baby drool and caked-on food freaks me out.

I'm grateful. I really am. But just curious if other FTMs (past and present) feel the same way? Or do I need to get over myself?

If they're giving you clothes with caked on food, they're doing hand me downs wrong. Typically you're only given clothing that is still in good condition.

I'm waiting on hand me downs until I see what I get at my shower. I also know too many family members who will "dump" bags of stuff just to make it someone else's problem and not theirs.

I don't see the problem with wanting everything to be brand new for your first kid and then use the hand me downs for future kids, if you don't want the stuff just say no thanks.

MalVough · September 2014

@etoille‌ I believe it's different when said drool and food come from your own kid. Babies are messy. I have three nephews (ages 1 to 4). I get it. It's the not-from-my-kid drool and food that make me a tad twitchy. I'm sure I'll get it over it quick during my kid's first birthday party with friends.

myjessesgirl · September 2014

I was a second child and was given my sisters hand me downs and hated it. But I think they are a great idea now. I look forward to receiving all sorts of stuff from my friends and family, plus I'm loving the consignment stores. I know my baby and subsequent kids will have some new things, but I'm fine with mixing new and old. There are some things I want to get new, though, like stroller and car seat, pack and play, and so on. I hope to reuse them in the future since this will be my first, but I like the idea of having picked those out myself.

chaysefaith · September 2014

It might be a UO but I'm not a fan of hand me downs either, ESPECIALLY when they're coming from someone you don't know personally and well enough to have spent time at their home. I just always imagine getting stuff that's infested with bed bugs, roaches, fleas...yuck. You just never know how clean someone keeps their home and what they might be passing on to you.

lewispm · September 2014

I was the first of my family and friends to have a baby, but probably would have felt similar with my first. With this one (2nd), I am practically begging for hand-me downs! Luckily, if this baby is a boy I have some from DS and more from my nephew born a similar time of year and if its a girl my niece was born similar time last year. I am set no matter what and that is a GREAT feeling!

Plus, both my sisters and I have similar styles and my older sister is very well off and has some ridiculously nice, never even been worn items since she went a little crazy shopping for my niece.

I LOVE HAND ME DOWNS!

MalVough · September 2014

MandJS said:
We live on hand me downs. But if you don't want any, simply decline (graciously) when offered. Just don't expect others to BUY you new things. Either take what you are offered or buy your own stuff. Really, no big deal.

Personally, I think you are being ridiculous, but do what you want with your money and resources. No skin off my back.

Just curious... are baby showers officially cliche, even for FTMs?

Like I said, I'm not against hand-me downs. I grew up in my sister's clothing and my family was not well off. At all. I get their importance and Lord knows I don't have a money tree growing in my back yard.

djoliet · September 2014

I love hand me downs. When I was pregnant with my son, my friend sent me a huge box of her sons old clothes. It helped a lot. I havea 7 year old nnephew whom my brother only buys brand name clothes for, so we always get like new Polo, Gap, and other nice clothes for free. Its awesome!

transplantedhawkeye · September 2014

MandJS said:

We live on hand me downs. But if you don't want any, simply decline (graciously) when offered. Just don't expect others to BUY you new things. Either take what you are offered or buy your own stuff. Really, no big deal.

Personally, I think you are being ridiculous, but do what you want with your money and resources. No skin off my back.

More cheap clothes at the consignment sale for you and me if she turns them down.

MalVough · September 2014

AGM0616 said:
I was a second child and was given my sisters hand me downs and hated it. But I think they are a great idea now. I look forward to receiving all sorts of stuff from my friends and family, plus I'm loving the consignment stores. I know my baby and subsequent kids will have some new things, but I'm fine with mixing new and old. There are some things I want to get new, though, like stroller and car seat, pack and play, and so on. I hope to reuse them in the future since this will be my first, but I like the idea of having picked those out myself.

THIS! We were offered a stroller and my first thought was, "Cool. But I kinda wanted to look at strollers and pick one out." **in my head, not out loud**

Same thing goes with the car seat and nursery furniture.

Cute clothes? I can deal. Absolutely. I have a washing machine with a "HOT" setting. I can do clothes.

DragonflyDreaming · September 2014

I plan to raid Once Upon A Child once I have baby!

(and am in town). They're like a thrift store just for babies and kids. I plan to wash everything like twice but figure that the hot water and wash will kill/clean everything.

Lmsq1611 · September 2014

Honestly I get it. I don't like the idea of hand me downs for a lot of items. But like others have said, if you don't want the hand me downs then be okay with paying for the new versions out of your own pocket.

It's not just the germ thing for me, I just have never liked used items and for my first baby I want to pick out and use the things that I want. Part of the reason why I didn't want children until I was in my 30s was that I wanted to be financially stable enough to afford them. Yes I know new items are expensive and I know that my baby will drool, vomit and poop on everything but I agree that it's different when it is your kid.

Anyone deal with a family member who is upset or offended that you won't take their old stuff? My MIL offered us a bassinet from 1940. She said the legs are not stable but she thinks if would be meaningful if baby slept in it. She's offended when we have tried to say no. DH is ready to just show her an article that he found that suggests you never take an old bassinet for a newborn. She also wants to give me all the baby clothes she saved from her four children. These clothes are between 45-34 years old. She has bags and bags of them that haven't left the attic for 30+ years. I told her if she had a couple sentimental items I would happily take them but what do I want with 40 year old baby clothes? Sorry that's just my UO.

thursday · September 2014

You feel like this now because the idea of buying stuff and dressing your kids in the cutest clothes is exciting but once they are toddlers and get into all kinds of messy situation I am sure you will change your mind. Also like pp said, you shouldn't be receiving hand me downs in terrible condition, that person is just being a jerk. Hand me downs are usually gently to never worn items. My friends and I pass stuff to each other all the time. You will realize babies hardly get a chance to wear half the stuff that is bought for them so why not pass it along.

rm2013 · September 2014

Hand me downs have saved us literally thousands of dollars. I have two good friends with older daughters who sent me all their stuff, and a cousin too. As of right now I don't have to buy clothes for DD until she's like 4. But still maybe not because I keep getting more clothes as my friend's DD grows out of them!

Regarding gross factor - keep in mind that babies only wear clothes for 3 months max before they outgrow them. Then add only an extra month or two after 12 months. Some stuff of my DDs she only wore a couple times, or maybe for a month. So much stuff I got you couldn't even tell had been worn, or even still had tags on it because my friend's/cousin's baby never got to wear it.

Definitely accept all the offers you get from people you trust! Do an initial sort - if it's not your style then donate it. If you find anything stained just toss it. Then wash everything well. And enjoy all the money you saved and use that to buy the baby gear you really need.

chelseeea · September 2014

I looved the hand me downs! My daughter is turning 2 in October, and we literally just ran out of clothes from hand me downs. It sure does beat buying brand new clothes all the time just to see them get ruined. Plus, when they're really little, they grow out of clothes super quick, so mostly everything is lightly worn. I still bought quite a few outfits for her though, as I liked the feeling of picking out some of her clothes:)

lewispm · September 2014

Lmsq1611 said:

Honestly I get it. I don't like the idea of hand me downs for a lot of items. But like others have said, if you don't want the hand me downs then be okay with paying for the new versions out of your own pocket. It's not just the germ thing for me, I just have never liked used items and for my first baby I want to pick out and use the things that I want. Part of the reason why I didn't want children until I was in my 30s was that I wanted to be financially stable enough to afford them. Yes I know new items are expensive and I know that my baby will drool, vomit and poop on everything but I agree that it's different when it is your kid. Anyone deal with a family member who is upset or offended that you won't take their old stuff? My MIL offered us a bassinet from 1940. She said the legs are not stable but she thinks if would be meaningful if baby slept in it. She's offended when we have tried to say no. DH is ready to just show her an article that he found that suggests you never take an old bassinet for a newborn. She also wants to give me all the baby clothes she saved from her four children. These clothes are between 45-34 years old. She has bags and bags of them that haven't left the attic for 30+ years. I told her if she had a couple sentimental items I would happily take them but what do I want with 40 year old baby clothes? Sorry that's just my UO.

I want! I love vintage stuff and going through bags of 40 year old baby clothes would be like a dream come true for me!

MalVough · September 2014

I guess I should have elaborated more and said that clothes aren't an issue for me. I know a lot of clothes don't get the chance to see the light of day and/or are worn a handful of times.

It's the bigger items... stroller, car seat, pack 'n play, swing, etc.

I have student loans out the wazoo (private school was a brilliant idea *sarcasm font*). I'm certainly not in a position to say "no" to everything.

But there's some stuff being offered that I'd really like to pick out and/or buy myself.

Bring me all the clothes and incidentals. I can handle those hand-me downs.

ruemorgan · September 2014

FTM here and I've been doing all of my
unisex clothes shopping at thrift stores. I wish I had someone to even offer me hand-me downs.

If you want to buy all your child's clothes brand new, cool. As a preschool teacher for the last 7 years, I will say dont you dare throw a fit when those clothes get stained.

JNCPro3130 · September 2014

I'm all about hand me downs! In fact, I am trying to get maternity clothes right now. I realy don't want to spend the money. I'm a FTM and, of course, love the idea of brand new things for a brand new baby, but then I think about a few things. 1) My friends would give me clothes in really good condition. 2) Babies, as PPs have said, grow so quickly. Why would I want to spend twice as much for something a child will wear/use a couple months? 3) Most things can be washed and sanitized. You have to wash everything you buy (from what I hear) anyway, so it isn't an extra step.

Overall, even with hand me downs, there will be plenty left to buy. Anything someone can lend or give me would be great.

schnitz9 · September 2014

I'm a FTM and I'm all for hand-me-down clothes and toys. My DH's boss just had a baby boy in feb and she has a 4 year old daughter. She said whatever we want is ours. I registered for all my baby gear too. I can never have enough clothes and toys. Kids wear something a few times before they grow out of it anyway and some toys are only played with a few times. Besides all my friend told me that they got a ton of little baby clothes for gifts. Everyone just loves the little things. But then they said no one really got them 12 mo and up. If I could grab some bigger size clothes from others it would be a great help. Plus my next door neighbors are retired and have 4 grandkids. They've got shit in their garage still in the original boxes and clothes up to like 3T still with tags. I'll take that thank you very much.

Lmsq1611 · September 2014

@etoille‌ I think we are essentially saying the same thing. I am by no means saying that people choose hand me downs bc they cannot afford new things. Rather I am saying that if you do not want hand me downs then you better be able to afford new things and not expect that others would buy them for you. Finances are so personal and everyone has to make their own decisions about how to save, what areas of life they spend extra in, etc.

In my community we have a Facebook groups where moms can buy and sell used items. I haven't bought anything yet but it seems pretty convenient and the items appear to be in really good shape. My issue with hand me downs is when someone tried to force their used (or with my MIL old) stuff on you.

mangomimosa · September 2014

@MauiBliss‌ you & my H are birds of a feather! He hates laundromats & is sketched out by my visits to Once Upon a Child.

Whitfry · September 2014

I feel pretty blessed. A TON of our friends have had babies recently, and they are offering hand-me-downs like crazy. My BFF is giving me her super-expensive car seat, since her daughter just grew out of it.

I definitely understand the squick factor. I've had to wrap my brain around that one too. My reality is that we're on a tight budget. So there are things I plan on paying for new (crib and dresser) and everything else will be second hand if I can manage it. I know the prawn won't care where it came from. Once his clothes will last longer than a week or so, we'll start reconsidering. But my tightwad little heart shrinks at the thought of paying $30 for an outfit he'll only wear once.

I figure I will probably get some cute new clothes for the prawn at the shower, since people seem to love buying things like that.

Anyways, yeah. I've put a lot of thought into budgeting for baby, and second hand just seems like the most practical solution for us.

mamajack86 · September 2014

I was not a fan of hand me downs. When my son was born he had all new stuff. When he grew out of stuff I would sort through it and make three piles, toss out, donate, keep for 2nd baby. I now have a full years wardrobe if it's a boy. The clothes I donated ended up going to my SIL she asked me for my sons gently used clothes. However this time around I am going to accept my nieces hand me downs if we have a girl. My sister did the same thing with her daughters clothing (her girl is only 10 mos now) so I would come and help her pack stuff away periodically and she kept all my nieces stuff in great condition (some stuff still was new with tags!). But I wouldn't have just accepted anyone's hand me downs. My good friend got trash bags full of clothes before her son was born from people at her church. Well needless to say we were grossed out when we went through it and she maybe kept some of the nicer things. It smelt like mildew or as if it was washed and never dried, then one bag smelt like cigarettes (yuck). Anyway now that my son is getting bigger some of his slightly older cousins have passed down cute button downs and nice outfits here and there which we gladly accept and use. I say smile, accept, sort through, and donate the rest!

CoozieInMyPurse · September 2014

New clothes aren't necessarily clean, either... (https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/gma-found-clothes-clean/story?id=9482373). Admittedly, this story is about adult clothes and most baby clothes aren't tried on before wear, but they can definitely still pick stuff up in the factory, in transit, in the store, etc.

I believe it is recommended to wash all of the new baby clothes you buy, so why not just wash all of the hand-me-down stuff and save the cash for the important things?

cafecreme · September 2014

earthian said:

Nope. Give me all the hand me downs! I'll wash them and love them like they were brand new!

Fuck yeah! No way I'm spending retail price for items.

Only time I buy new things is when they're on sale. 5$ shirts plus 20% off, and a 10$ gift voucher at Carter's? You bet your ass I'm buying.

eta: tomorrow starts the JBF sale in my area, and I'm definitely going to it. I should be called "buy all of the used things" lol

jpavenski · September 2014

I can understand wanting a lot of the baby essentials new. I have a friend who has given me clothes & as thankfully as I am we just don't have the same taste so my son hardly ever wears any of the clothes she has given me. It's different when their really small though since it's a lot of onesies. I have no germ issues, so I love the consignment shops!

rm2013 · September 2014

@MalVough‌ thanks for the clarification. Here's my opinions on what I'd take as a handmedown: (sorry for the book)

Stroller - yes! SIL gave us her fancy stroller that retails for $600. Score! (Note - we still bought the click frame for our car seat)

car seat - No. A) they expire after 5 or so years, and

may have been in an accident, C) I just really prefer to pick my own

pack 'n play - No, not even from family. The slightest diaper leak gets into the padded cardboard mattress and there's no getting it out. I'm anal and always put a waterproof cover then a sheet on my PNP so LO will be using DDs. But when we've let DD sleep in other PNPs (again even family) I sniff the mattress and I've smelled some slight pee. Yuck!! Luckily we always travel with the waterproof cover and my own sheets and I hope that's good enough to keep the smell away from her.

Swing - heck yeah! If it dies fine get a new one but milk it for all it's worth while you can

Crib - NO. Because safety. Standards change so quickly, even in a few years.
Crib mattress - NO. Because yuck.

high chair - sure

Shoes - NO once they are walking. A) cleanliness

molded to the shape of the previous baby's foot

KT416 · September 2014

FTM here too. I am picking and choosing through hand me downs, if I'm lucky enough to get offered any. I think there's some things I'm definitely hoping to get hand me downs, especially pricier items that aren't really necessary that I may not buy myself, especially items that aren't used very often.

But I am definitely buying some things new like a car seat and mattress, and probably a crib just because I already have my nursery planned out in my head. I'm a pretty good deal finder (and I have some time), so I can find a crib brand new in my price range.

It's fun to get excited about fun baby things, but I would try to keep a budget and if you start to overspend, I would probably see what deals and hand me downs you can find so you don't go overboard with all the new and pretty baby things.

EDWHIP · September 2014

I'm not sure what your budget is, but this is something that you will get over. I accept any and all hand me downs. I go through them and sort out what I want and donate the rest. When you have a baby that spits up every 10 minutes you won't care what the onesie looks like.

Do yourself a favor- go out and buy an outfit for the baby to wear home from the hospital. That can be your thing. After that, it really doesn't matter. They grow so fast and you will be surprised how quickly you went through some of the clothing. Receiving clothing that has been through 2 kids usually means it was worn 10 times tops…especially if the kids grew fast.

Save your money for more important things- medical bills, groceries..hell, go get a massage!

t loves r · September 2014

We got all DS' clothes for the first year as hand me downs from my husband's co worker. She dressed her son to the nines and had full matching outfits from Gymboree, GAP and Ralph Lauren. That kid had so many outfits, my son didn't even wear some of them she have us so much. It was super nice of her and I appreciated not having to really buy clothes. A cousin let us borrow a swing and I would do it again for this baby in a heartbeat. Baby items add up quickly.

I buy nearly all my DS' shoes second hand bc his feet are growing so quickly. And I never thought about the shoes being shaped to the previous kiddos foot. Well crap. I was feeling really good about the $4 and $5 shoe finds for him and his rapidly growing feet....

RMama2012 · September 2014

If you don't like them, then don't take them. You don't have to feel bad about it.

My sister took impeccable care of my nephews clothes and they were quality stuff so I took them. I donated anything that was stained or not in good condition.

At first I had enough new stuff and didn't need them but what was nice was the Ralph Lauren outfit worn a single time or the super warm pjs that were too hot for our apt but perfect for the weekends spent elsewhere. In a pinch if DS dirtied everything in 2 days and I didn't do laundry, I could pull out her onsies or pjs and be covered. We took a Caribbean vaca when DS was 9m in February and it was nice not to have to spend money for clothes for one week. I used the hand me downs that fit.

Now that he's a bit older, I still love the hand me downs because it allows me to spend money on nice trendy clothes for DS and use the hand me downs for days where we're only going to the park or hanging out at home.

I was lucky with DS but my other nephew from my SIL had reflux and serious drool and was changed several times a day for almost 18m. I can't imagine what she would have spent on clothes if she refused hand me downs. It just seems like a waste of money for clothes your kid will throw up on and be changed out of in 2 hrs.

Also LOL at the girl who thinks those of us who accept hande downs do so because we can't afford to buy our children clothes ourselves.

pregarella · September 2014

f you have the resources and you don't want hand-me-downs, don't take them. I get where you are coming from, I was the same way with my first. Obviously we are using the same things for the second baby, and I am now more open with taking hand me downs from people I know. I am also not a garage sale shopper in general though, so not sure if there is a correlation there.

tinypug · September 2014

I'm a FTM so I'll take anything! Generally, people aren't going to offer you stained clothes or broken accessories. I can afford to buy new things, but why would I bother when someone is offering me something that's perfectly fine? If someone offers you something that you don't want or need, politely decline. I just don't understand turning your nose up at something solely because it's "used". Your baby certainly won't care.

Readingdiva123 · September 2014

I'll take all the hand me downs people want to give me. I'll wash the ones I want and donate the rest.

crunchymamaof2 · September 2014

I love hand me downs. My husband however is a crazy Italian who thinks the spirits of previous owners live in inanimate objects and puts his foot down unless they're from my best friends. Doesn't mean I don't go to once upon a child, slap the stuff in their closet, and then be all "oh so and so got this, don't you remember?" My dirty little secret

kathyb0129 · September 2014

I am kind of the same way, so I understand. With me mostly it's that I end up buying way too much clothes as it is, no the last thing I need is more. I love shopping for baby clothes! With that said, I have taken some hand me downs from people before and they came in great use. I mostly used it for things to wear around the house and play clothes. Of course I would never take anything stained or dirty, and no one has ever given me any clothes in bad condition. If I don't like something, then I donate it. I always try to say yes though, and then I see what I like

Sherbet Lemon · September 2014

Hand me downs are a life saver. Between blowouts and projectile spit up, we went through 3-4 "outfits" a day. (I use "outfits" because dd was a May baby and lived in onesies the first 4 months.)

The more clothes, the better, because it meant I didn't have to go laundry daily. Now she's 2, and our hand me down supply has started to dwindle. I miss them.

Adele 1981 · September 2014

I borrowed everything for the first one. It was great because we had limited space so it was great to be able to just give it back. We also got a ton of hand me down clothes which was great. Now that LO is 18 months we finally ran out, and it sucks buying all get clothes from scratch. The only problem with borrowing, I'm realizing now, is that I'm missing a lot of stuff for #2. And the people I borrowed from are expecting their second in January so I'm out of luck for that stuff again!