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C6091 · September 2014

N/A

catmagick · September 2014

I don't think this is a very good intro post 8-|

C6091 · September 2014

catmagick said:

I don't think this is a very good intro post 8-|

it's not my intro.. my intro was posted about a month ago.

Cythe · September 2014

This is an immensely personal choice you've got to make. I was in a similar spot years ago, I got sucked into the "what if the grass is greener" scenarios and did eventually end up calling it off. I justified it by saying I was too young, I needed to know what else was out there blah, blah, blah. It ended up being probably the biggest mistake I'd ever made.

That's just me, of course. If what you have is good, then keep it. It doesn't make you a bad person for wondering, I imagine many people have wondered. I would definitely put TTC on hold until you've settled this issue though.

Good luck, I wish you clarity on your situation.

DawnLilly · September 2014

@TarponMonoxide‌ Thoughts?

ETA: you might want to try the Relationships board on TheNest

C6091 · September 2014

Joy2611 said:

My advice will perhaps be controversial. I think you're young. I think you owe it to yourself to explore your options before you are tied to one person forever.

I'm not saying to break up with your boyfriend, but I am saying to think about yourself and what you want. If you want your boyfriend, then your choice is easy and it shouldn't be complicated.

Since it is and you're even entertaining this as a legitimate problem, I think you need to take a long, hard look at your desires for a partner and for life.

Thank you Joy. I'm thinking I'm just being silly because after a year together we do have our ups and downs. We still love each other as much as we did a year ago. Maybe I'm just craving the thrill of something new. I could just explain to my partner that when we fight it doesn't make me feel good. Talk. Get it back to how it was at the beginning. That way, maybe my mind won't wander or make me crave something that I already have.

C6091 · September 2014

C6091 said:

Joy2611 said:

My advice will perhaps be controversial. I think you're young. I think you owe it to yourself to explore your options before you are tied to one person forever.

I'm not saying to break up with your boyfriend, but I am saying to think about yourself and what you want. If you want your boyfriend, then your choice is easy and it shouldn't be complicated.

Since it is and you're even entertaining this as a legitimate problem, I think you need to take a long, hard look at your desires for a partner and for life.

Thank you Joy. I'm thinking I'm just being silly because after a year together we do have our ups and downs. We still love each other as much as we did a year ago. Maybe I'm just craving the thrill of something new. I could just explain to my partner that when we fight it doesn't make me feel good. Talk. Get it back to how it was at the beginning. That way, maybe my mind won't wander or make me crave something that I already have.

I think I just answered my own question.. I don't want anyone else. I think it's just my age. I think it's time to communicate in my relationship. I've made it clear I just want to be friends, When I think of the other person I'll just stop and remind myself of why I love my partner.

traversity773 · September 2014

1. Don't ttgp when you are thinking of leaving someone

2. Don't move in with someone if you are thinking of leaving them

3. You are in college. Don't feel like you have to make permanent decisions right now.

4. No one says you HAVE to stay with the person you are with. Either you choose to love them or you choose to leave. No one but you can make that decision.

BabyList · September 2014

It sounds like you aren't ready to settle down, and that is totally okay. You don't have to be ready to settle down. You have nothing tying you to your boyfriend at the moment. Once you have a house and kids, it is much more difficult to get out of a relationship (not impossible though). It sounds like you really need to explore your feelings and figure out what you really want before moving forward with your plans. If you are attracted to your friend, it is probably because you are lacking something in your current relationship, even if you aren't able to admit that at this point.
When I was in college, I was dating a guy who was perfect. He was sweet, loving, attentive, but he just wasn't the right person for me. It took me a long time to be okay with the fact that sometimes a great guy isn't the right guy. I began to have feelings for a class mate as well, and ended up breaking things off with my then boyfriend. It was hard on him at the time, but I figured I deserved to be happy, and so did he. If I wasn't fully in love with him, I was making him miss out on someone who was.
Good luck OP!

C6091 · September 2014

Cythe said:

This is an immensely personal choice you've got to make. I was in a similar spot years ago, I got sucked into the "what if the grass is greener" scenarios and did eventually end up calling it off. I justified it by saying I was too young, I needed to know what else was out there blah, blah, blah. It ended up being probably the biggest mistake I'd ever made. That's just me, of course. If what you have is good, then keep it. It doesn't make you a bad person for wondering, I imagine many people have wondered. I would definitely put TTC on hold until you've settled this issue though. Good luck, I wish you clarity on your situation.

Thank you very much. I love him too much to let it go. I think it's just curiosity getting the better of me. I'm creating a problem that isn't there. I'll just put it out of my mind. I'm happy we're moving in together and he is too. It would only cause harm and no good if I brought this "issue" up. Thank you ladies for your advice, much appreciated.

Bee1112 · September 2014

I suggest you just take a step back. Look at your life and what you really truly want. I have been in this situation before, and know it can be hard. I stayed with my BF (now H) and it was the best decision. At the time we were going through a lot of changes all at once (we moved in together away from our hometown and I started college, there was so much going on)

I know not everyone here is TTC and I am not sure if you are but if you are I would put that on hold for the time being. Just my $.02.

Eta: I agree, as someone who has been there, cutting toes with this friend might be for the best.

3houlagirl · September 2014

I agree with all the wise ladies here.

If you decide to stay with your boyfriend, I would cut ties with your college buddy. The way I see it, now that you've acknowledged the attraction, it would not be fair to you, to your boyfriend, or your buddy to continue your friendship. It would be giving all three of you mixed signals.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.

C6091 · September 2014

14whitney said:

Hello ladies,

I will try and keep this short and sweet but I need some advice female to female. I have found myself in a very confusing situation. I am now a full time college student. I am in a serious long term relationship and I love my boyfriend dearly, we are in the middle moving into our first house. Anyway, I've met this man in my class and have became quite good friends with him. When I first met him I thought he looked nice, nothing more. Didn't think anything else of it. It was just looking. We got to know each other more. Then one of the lecturers commented on our chemistry, which we both laughed off of course and I confirmed I had a boyfriend. We got let out of class early and went down to the dock near our campus. I started talking about how silly it was of the lecturer to say that. Then he admitted that he was attracted to me and that we had chemistry. To which I agreed, yes there is a spark there but nothing will ever happen as I am happy with my boyfriend. Now for the complicated part.. He makes me laugh and makes me feel good about myself, My boyfriend and I have been together a year and he makes me feel the same but I catch myself thinking of my college friend.. and even more so when my boyfriend and I have words or disagree. This morning I mumbled in my sleep whilst my partner was beside me.. I said "Craig (My Partner) isn't here..". Now I would never cheat and have no intention too. My partner confronted me on his lunch today from work asking what I meant. I don't remember dreaming anything and I explained that maybe in my dream someone was asking of his whereabouts. Really, I'm thinking in my dream I thought he was my college friend. I contacted my college friend and said that any attraction that is there has to be ignored and we are just friends. How do I deal with these confusing thoughts. How can I stop my mind from wandering to another man when I am happy and want to marry my partner and have a child.. I don't understand it.. Any advice?. My college guy is a good friend so I wouldn't want to stop talking to him or spending my college days with him. Has anyone experienced this. Am I a bad person..? Just to remind everyone nothing has happened between me and this other man.. It's just the thoughts. I love my partner so much. That wasn't really short and sweet..

Hope you've all had a better day than I have..:(

Edit: Gif Fail.

I'm going to view it as if it were me: I would cut off all communication with the college friend. I understand attractions happen, it's human. However, I also understand that cheating happens too. I would never put myself in a situation in which cheating could happen. I would ask myself: if this a quick attraction that truly doesn't mean anything or do I need to reevaluate my current relationship. Is this a friendship kind of attraction, or could this be something more? You can have the strongest relationship with your SO and still find people attractive and there could be no issue. However, for myself, I would have to cut ties if I felt it was too close. I do want you to know there is NO judgement here. I understand there are some people that do not have a monogamous marriage/relationship. However, if you are your BF agreed that this is a monogamous relationship then I suggest cutting ties with college friend. (*it reevaluate your relationship with Craig. I may read this again and edit some. I hope that doesn't come off as if I'm judging.

Nope doesn't come off as judging at all. I have too much connection with my partner to let this affect us. I'm thinking this is just spur of the moment and will pass. Yes, I was getting worried that it was getting too close for comfort. The college friend agreed and said yes I understand you are in a relationship and there is a boundary there. I just need to make sure my partner knows I care and put time and effort in the relationship like I did at the start.

C6091 · September 2014

Joy2611 said:

Just some perspective... My husband and I dated very seriously at the end of college for two years. We were waaaaaaaay too serious and young. We both knew it and we both knew that staying together would mean one of us getting the short end of the stick career-wise. We couldn't stay together and pursue our goals.

My husband chose to break us up at 24. I was devastated. But, truthfully, I never knew how it was to be with anyone else. He thought he knew he wanted me, but he wasn't ready. We were confused, young, and lost, but totally loved each other. It was a terrible time emotionally.

I fooled around for two years and went to the best graduate school I could. He fooled around and went to law school.

Two years after we broke up (and some other shenanigans), we both knew what we wanted. I was the one to call, spill my heart and sit in panic. We were at a wedding three days later and had a movie moment of running across the lobby. We were set. I have never, ever looked back.

wow thats beautiful truly. If its meant to be it will be.

bobloblaw87 · September 2014

I thought I was going to marry the guy I dated for about a year when I was 20 as well. I am SO glad I didn't.

C6091 · September 2014

ctygrl773 said:

1. Don't ttgp when you are thinking of leaving someone

2. Don't move in with someone if you are thinking of leaving them

3. You are in college. Don't feel like you have to make permanent decisions right now.

4. No one says you HAVE to stay with the person you are with. Either you choose to love them or you choose to leave. No one but you can make that decision.

I'm not thinking of leaving him. I just wanted to know how to distract myself and if this was normal.

C6091 · September 2014

frankenboom said:

There's just something a little *off* about you, OP, and I can't quite put my finger on it. On the one hand, I want to give you serious advice (as some PPs have), and on the other hand, I half think that you may be an AE/troll (sorry, had to say it), so I'm not sure if I should waste my time.

So here's what I'll do...

Scenario A: You're serious - here's my advice: You're young. Figure out what you want. You're "lucky" in the sense that you're not married so there isn't *much* holding you there. I'd firstly recommend that if you are not seriously sure you want to be with your boyfriend, put TTC on hold. Think long and hard about whether you're ready to close on that house you're buying. Talk to your boyfriend. Talk to your mom, your best friend, someone in whom you can confide. Most of all - take your time.

Scenario B: You're an AE/Troll - ugh: Stop. Stop making fake threads, stop being kinda weird on other threads. And,

Thank you, I'm not fake.. I don't think I would know how to "troll".. Just confused and young I guess. Sorry if I come off weird lol. But thanks for advice

C6091 · September 2014

PenguinMG said:

@frakenboom, that's where I'm at. I don't want to dismiss on the off chance that she's for real, but there's something about OP that I just can't take seriously.

Luckily, others have given good advice and I've got nothing new to add.

Sorry you feel this way. Whilst I am figuring out my situation I shall do some self soul searching too. Figure it all out. I have made my mind up. I don't want to lose my boyfriend. I am happy. It's just a matter of focusing my mind on my relationship and not on someone who doesn't matter.

Bee1112 · September 2014

@Joy2611‌ your story gave me all the feels. That is an amazing story.

silverandgray · September 2014

I don't know how old you are, though your being a full-time college student makes me assume youngish, but please know that this is not meant in any kind of condescending, you're-just-a-kid sort of way. These kinds of feelings can happen at any age.

However, while a year may seem like a long time now, in the grand scheme of things it is not. Your relationship is maturing, maybe having some growing pains, and that's normal - it will probably continue to evolve for as long as you are together. Trying to force it back into the early honeymoon stage likely won't work because no relationship is meant to stay in that stage. If you're not happy with where it's going, that's certainly something to discuss together and work on. If you feel constrained by it and want to give yourself the opportunity to experience other things, that's normal too and also worth consideration. Just don't spend your life chasing that new-relationship high, whether with your current partner or another, because it's natural for it to ease into a different kind of love. What comes after the newness subsides is beautiful too, if it's a good match.

lgsdesigner · September 2014

If you are having longing thoughts about another man, you can't be truly happy with your BF.

Sorry. Emotional cheating is still cheating.

C6091 · September 2014

14whitney said:

OP - if your BF had a college/work friend that he went to the dock with to discuss how a professor/coworker told them they had chemistry - would you be ok with him continuing the friendship? Once again- no judgement. I am just trying to help you see the big picture, from both sides.

This has already crossed my mind. I would be upset. Which is why when I was told that I said "No, this has got to stop right now" before anything happened that would cause hurt and pain on both sides.

kjb0202 · September 2014

I completely agree with the previous posts. It also seems as if you are extremely young (not meaning that in a bad way). If you have more than just a physical attraction with this other guy and that is taking away from the relationship with your BF then I think you need to slow down with your bf. Buying a house and TTC are HUGE steps to be taking, especially as a college student.

This probably isn't going to come out right either, but if you've spent enough time with this friend of yours to the point where you are comfortable enough to even TALK about a mutual attraction I think there is more there than what you are saying. Not to mention if you cannot even focus on your BF and your mind wanders to this other guy --- i think that's a problem.

I say flush it out --- live alone for a while and figure out what you want.

If i married any of the dudes i dated in college ---- geesh --- i'd be a mess.

Edit: Not saying marrying someone you dated in college is a bad thing --- just gives me the jitters thinking back to those ridiculous days
$:\$ ">

C6091 · September 2014

kariann12 said:

This is just my opinion, but here it is. If you're only together a year and have thoughts of leaving him, are attracted to another guy and have times where your relationship isn't great, you need to evaluate whst's going on. Now, I'm not saying your relationship should be puppies and rainbows all the time, but if there are issues now, they'll only multiply the longer you're together. You're young, don't tie yourself down now and regret it later. Just my 2 cents .

Thank you. I don't think I will regret it though, because we have a great time together and love each other. I think it's just my adventurous mind wandering. If I sit down with my partner and tell him what I need and we bring back what we had at the start then I don't think I'd even remember this classmates name.

C6091 · September 2014

14whitney said:

Does Craig know about college friend?

Yes

ToryKate · September 2014

C6091 said:

snip

Thank you Joy. I'm thinking I'm just being silly because after a year together we do have our ups and downs. We still love each other as much as we did a year ago. Maybe I'm just craving the thrill of something new. I could just explain to my partner that when we fight it doesn't make me feel good. Talk. Get it back to how it was at the beginning. That way, maybe my mind won't wander or make me crave something that I already have.

Honey you are still in the beginning. A year is nothing, if you guys are already going south you might want to reconsider why you are holding on to this relationship. This is not meant to be snarky at all, I have been where you are. I married someone who I had a rocky relationship with from the beginning because I thought we could make it work and that he was going to be the best I could get. We divorced. Things with my husband now are so much different! There are WAY more ups than downs, and a little chemistry with a classmate would never be enough to make me reconsider my commitment to him.

I have a very close friend who is a marriage and family therapist. She has lots of young couples that have been together under 2 years and are only dating come in to see her. In her professional opinion it is ridiculous. If you are dating someone and it is not working out you can and should break up. There is no prize for staying in a relationship that just isn't working. No relationship is perfect or easy all the time, but you know when its not right.

greysweatshirt · September 2014

I had a whole thing typed out but then deleted it b/c I looked at your other posts and my advice is now this:

You're 20 and you're in college. Stop trying to have a baby. Finish school. That should be your focus.

I feel the need to reiterate... STOP trying to have a baby.

kjb0202 · September 2014

C6091 said:

ctygrl773 said:

1. Don't ttgp when you are thinking of leaving someone

2. Don't move in with someone if you are thinking of leaving them

3. You are in college. Don't feel like you have to make permanent decisions right now.

4. No one says you HAVE to stay with the person you are with. Either you choose to love them or you choose to leave. No one but you can make that decision.

I'm not thinking of leaving him. I just wanted to know how to distract myself and if this was normal.

WHAT?! This kinda bugs me --- "how to distract myself" --- seriously? You shouldn't have to distract yourself. You've been with your BF hardly enough time to get out of the "hot and heavy all i can think about is you phase". If you think about this other person to the extent that you are trying to distract yourself from it, you need to rethink some of the major life choices you are about/trying to make right now.

And i'm not trying to be an awful b****....sorry.

ToryKate · September 2014

So to summarize:

1. Stop TTC

2. Don't move in with your boyfriend

3. Slow the fuck down

virginiaorjohn · September 2014

While I fully enjoy this break from drive-by POAS posts -- sort of like watching a reality TV show after a full day of doing your taxes -- I cannot believe you are even thinking about TTC with your OH if you are even emotionally distracted by another man.

Here's the thing, OP - you need time. I can't tell you who to choose or how to stop thinking about Craig, because you need time to grow up. I'm not trying to be rude, just frank with you. As PPs said, leave your OH and go explore other relationships, or cut ties with Craig and commit to your OH. Whichever one, make that decision and stick to it.

C6091 · September 2014

Okay everyone thank you for all your advice.

Our relationship has never been rocky. It has is and always has been great. It's me that's at fault. Me that's creating this. When I can stop.. just stop. Just told college guy that we can't be around each other anymore. I have made my mind up. I love boyfriend too much. I understand you saying we are young. When I think like that towards someone else I'm thinking "Are you stupid?, Are you looking for trouble" I'm going to relax in shower, partner is due home in an hour. I plan to embrace him and tell him I love him, because deep down I do despite any bullshit that life throws at us. Temptation is a bitch. My subconscious that says all the bad stuff.. I think it's time I stood up to her. Thank you for every ounce of advice you have given me, truly. I stop TTC as well. It's not healthy just now, good things to those who wait. Will I still be welcome here?. Those of you who are unsure of me or who think I'm "trolling" sorry about that. I don't know what I can do to prove myself. I hope in time you'll trust that I am not an asshole

.

Thank you guys, Have a lovely evening! I feel better now.

C6091 · September 2014

I need a break. going to log off for awhile. I want to be with my partner. thank you for advice everyone

ToryKate · September 2014

Is anyone else thrown off by the use of the word "whilst"? I am going to try to use it with H tonight to get that look from him like I grew a second head.

mandy522 · September 2014

Everyone has said such insightful things here, but this post is making me crazy so I’ve got to add my two cents. And as a disclaimer – I know there are women on this board who married and had children in their barely 20s, and have wonderful marriages and love their kids. I’m not directing these comments at you, I’m directing them at the OP based on her post history.

1. Yes, it is totally normal during the course of a long-term relationship to wonder about someone else or think the grass might be greener. You’re in a relationship, not dead. But I don’t think this is a good sign after a year, at twenty. For me, that was when life was exciting and hot and heavy and love cured all. I can’t agree with @kariann12 more – you are at the beginning. If it’s hard now, it’s going to get a shit ton harder when you add financial responsibilities and kids and all of the bullshit that real life throws at you to the mix.

2. The fact that you keep looking toward things outside of your relationship with your partner – talking about a child while BF doesn’t seem to be ready, now the attraction to this other guy – suggests to me that you’re not fully satisfied and are itchy for something new. Let me say this as clearly as I can – a kid is not a distraction because you are bored in your relationship. I really, really think you need to stop TTC immediately.

Truly, really, I’m 100% not judging you. I just think you’re young and you want to be selfish for awhile, and that’s a-ok. Acknowledging it is better than dragging your partner into an untenable situation and way, way better than bringing a child into your life.

GL and honestly, I hope I don't see you back here for awhile. You have some things to figure out, and how to get pregnant isn't one of them.

silverandgray · September 2014

Add me to the list of people who "loved" her long-term (three years!), live-in college boyfriend. I almost signed another year-long lease with him but got cold feet because I was also finding myself more interested in other guys than I felt I should be.

I broke it off, lived alone for three years, and can now confidently say it was the best choice I have ever made. I had fun, did stupid things, and entered my next relationship secure in the knowledge of what I wanted and needed. And I married that guy.

ramaholic · September 2014

DarcyHermione said:

Here, OP, since you don't actually care what we have to say and are just using us to vent:

Journals.

Goddamnit, Darcy, I wanted to keep my paycheck this week. *adds another thirteen to cart*

rockopera · September 2014

Squee! A house and marriage and baby!!! That can't be anything but exciting and fun and magical!!! Time to get on with the show! But keep your friend. He makes you happy. And happiness is good for TTC!!!

I really cannot come up with a rational response that hasn't already been ignored by the OP.

ramaholic · September 2014

hereistreble said:

DarcyHermione said:

Here, OP, since you don't actually care what we have to say and are just using us to vent:

Journals.

But what will happen if Craig reads it. He was upset enough to bring it up to her that she told someone in her sleep that he was not there.

Invisible ink, baby. Time to slice some lemons.

LittleMrsW · September 2014

MeatandBandP said:
I mean is this normal? Finding someone attractive of course. This seems more than that.

Especially since she titled this thread Possible LOVE triangle.

virginiaorjohn · September 2014

MeatandBandP said:
I mean is this normal? Finding someone attractive of course. This seems more than that.

Finding someone attractive is normal. Especially when there's no chance you'll ever meet that person and you're one of his million Cumberbitches.

It's when you see the person regularly andplusalso that person already confessed to liking you...

rockopera · September 2014

LittleMrsW said:

MeatandBandP said:
I mean is this normal? Finding someone attractive of course. This seems more than that.
Especially since she titled this thread Possible LOVE triangle.

She wants the dramarama. You know, keeping things fresh after all this time.

Ooh! Maybe she should tell Craig. Then he will fight for her because he realizes he wants all the babies NOW and she'll forever know that he passed the test!!!!! And they will live happily ever after and they and their children will ride magical unicorns off into the sunset together.

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