How do you respond to the "Are they natural?" question? — The Bump
Multiples

How do you respond to the "Are they natural?" question?

MargritliMargritli
500 Comments 250 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
member
edited September 2014 in Multiples
I am almost 14 weeks and not going to be able to hide my bump very much longer. DH and I agreed that if IVF ever worked for us, we would be open about it for the sake of those who might still be struggling with IF in the closet, but this only applies for close family and friends (most of which also didn't know while we were going through the process). When neighbors or other semi-/complete strangers ask the "Are they natural question?" or any variation on it ("Do twins run in your family?", etc.), though, I am not comfortable sharing this information. I am wondering how others respond to this question, since I assume I will be getting it a lot in the next little bit as people find out we are expecting. ETA: There are set of twin cousins in DH's family, and most people know nothing about the inheritability of hyperovulation, so I have already said that, even though it is completely dishonest.

Me: 28, DH: 35
DX: Severe MFI, AZFc Microdeletion
TTC since August 2011
IVF w/ ICSI 1: Dec. 2013 - BFN
FET 1.2: Mar. 2014 - BFN
FET 1.3: May 2014 - BFN
FET 1.4: June 2014 - BFP
Two little buns in the oven. 
Bake until March 2015, little ones. 


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Life will be richer for me." 
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NenaB54
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Re: How do you respond to the "Are they natural?" question?

  • Well, my twins were natural, but I work in a infertility clinic and see the struggles people go through every day. I'd say that if you don't feel comfortable answering the question "are they natural" say yes... It will shut them up! If twins don't run in the family you can always say, "these are the 1st". If you don't give an answer at all I feel like rude people in this world will keep prying for answers even though it is none of their business! Hope this helps a little.
    LisasugarCML11NenaB54jaclynburkett
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  • It is so weird when people ask this. I mean, I understand what they are asking, and it is weird enough that they are asking such a personal question, but to phrase it like this "are they natural" kind of irritates me sometimes. I mean, what is the alternative to natural? Unnatural? Supernatural? (Sometimes I joke around with people and tell them they are supernatural or I'll tell them that they are actually robots - hahah.)

     

    We did 2 years of IUI and IVF that all failed and then we conceived our girls by accident on one of our resting cycles, so I guess they are 'natural' but even if we had conceived via fertility treatments, I would probably lie most of the time to strangers just to avoid having to talk about it. I was pretty open about my fertility journey and most people who knew me knew about it, but at a certain point, you just don't want to talk about it any more - especially with strangers. So, I would have no problem just saying 'yup they're natural' just to get the conversation over with.

     

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    abeglinNenaB54
  • I haven't gotten the direct "are they natural" question but I get "was it a surprise" and "do twins run in your family?" I can't decide if they're genuine or if theyre trying to figure out if we had help. Mine are spontaneous and I always say it was a surprise and no they don't run in our families (because they ask about DH's too!) and the only answer I get is "wow" something. Never more questions or looks, and I honestly think they're not thinking of ART. If you get asked by strangers if they run in your family just try saying no and that might be the end of it.

    image

    bfp#4 3/19/2014 edd 12/1/2014 please let this be the one!

    beta @ 5w0d = 12,026! u/s 4/22/14 @ 8w1d it's twins!

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    bumpuser924057NenaB54
  • I'm open about needing a LOT of help but I understand not everyone can be that way.. A response I like to "do twins run in your family" is "they do now!" As for natural--- maybe something snarky like "they aren't fake"....

    "They do now" is my typical response to the family one. People seem to find that amusing so that shuts them up.

    I have never gotten the are they natural question. That would piss me off royally and I'd probably be too stunned to answer appropriately. But I think "Yes" would be sufficient.

    Baby Boy #1 born 1/15/2010

    Babies #2 & #3 arriving Spring 2014 (EDD June 18)

    4N6s
  • The couple of times I've been asked I say of "Of course they are natural, just not spontaneous".  We were open about IVF so all of our family and friends know not to ask that, it is just weird to have it from a complete stranger.

    ~~~~~~~~~Siggy Warning~~~~~~~~

    Me~28 DH~27 

     6-12-2010  Miscarriage. 
    3-16-2012 D&C/Miscarriage.
     Blocked Left Tube. 
    Diminished Ovarian Reserve   
    MFI - Sperm Morphology 2%.  
    MTHFR 
     Abnormal Antiphospholipid Antibodies
    April 2013 ~  1st IUI attempt - 100 mg Clomid- Canceled
    May 2013  ~ 2nd IUI attempt -100 mg Clomid- Canceled
    June 2013 ~ 3rd IUI attempt - 100 mg Clomid+ Trigger+ Progesterone~BFN
     IVF/ICSI #1 May 2014 ~ Freeze All ~ Due to OHSS
     5/1/2014 ~ 22 retrieved, 12 fertilized, 3 frozen
    5/28/2014 ~ FET#1 ~ Transferred 2 Hatching Blasts
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    [Deleted User]NenaB54
  • Twins actually DO run in my family, so while ours are from IVF I have no problems saying yep, they do, there is at least one set every generation. And then I distract them with how my second cousin was due two weeks before me, also with twins.

    Only our closest friends know we did IVF. I've considered being more open but neither of us is okay with H's family knowing and I'm also not sure I'm ok with the follow up questions of why, how long did we try, etc.
    image  image
    О Привязать! Z!
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    CML11
  • When I get asked the question "Are they natural?", I correct them by saying "I think the term you are looking for is spontaneous and yes we were very surprised" but I am a very outspoken person and don't get bothered when people get butthurt over being corrected. So I don't really answer the question per se, but at least one person has been corrected on the PC terminology to use and they may think twice before asking again. Same thing with "do they run in your or your husband's family?" I educate them that it is only my side that matters (mine are di/di) and I say no, since that is the truth. I think people usually regret asking me when it is all said and done.
    Me: 37 DH: 40 TTC since 9/09
    #1 BFP 1/10/11; missed m/c discovered 7w5d
    IF Dx: Endo, hetero MTHFR mutation, poor morphology
    #1 IUI: 1/18/12 = BFN
    #1 IVF/ICSI 4/2/12 = 2 x 7-cell and 1 x 5-cell transferred (3dt) = BFP!!
    H was born at 41w2d on 12/29/12 - be still my heart!
    #2 IVF/ICSI 1/19/14 = 2 x 8 cells transferred (3dt) = BFP!! EDD 10/09/14
    M&W born at 37 weeks on 9/18/14 - I am the momma of 3 boys!!!

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    MissEm15CML11
  • IVF MoM-to-be (I'm 29 weeks tomorrow) here. We are open to our IF journey and will gladly tell anyone we did IVF if they genuinely want to know more about it (and aren't just being nosey), BUT most of the time it's a long story and I don't feel like getting into it with random strangers who ask me about my pregnancy. 

    To be honest, no one has asked me if mine are "natural" or not. It wouldn't end well for them if it did. I'd probably respond with something sarcastic like, "No, they're plastic." I can't honestly say how I'd handle if someone asked me that question. 

    Most of the time, however, I get the more innocent, "Do twins run in your family?" To which I just respond "Yes, my grandpa was a twin and my dad had twin brothers." (Which is true. Doesn't mean that's why I have twins, but it answers their question.)

    N14 Nov. Siggy: CELEBRATION!
    image image
    TTC since 2011
    Aug. - Sept. 2013 - dIUIs = BFNs
    January 2014 - IVF = 3 freezer babies
    March 2014 - FET of AA and AB blast = BFP! Twins! 
    Nov. 7, 2014 - Wilhelmina "Willa" Suzanne (4lb 14oz) and Ari Jose (6lb 4oz) were born via CS
    image image
     
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    Lilypie Premature Baby tickers
  • I haven't had anyone actually ask if they're natural but I've gotten a lot of "do twins run in your family" and I say yes because they do. But, I was on fertility meds when I got pregnant. I'm not ashamed of that but I am a private person so I don't really feel like sharing my medical history with strangers in the checkout line. Plus, since I was on a very low dose I really feel that it was a combination of the meds and family history

      imageimage





  • I had one 50ish lady, who claimed to have twins tell me "twins are everywhere now because so many do fertility treatments. Mine are REAL twins though."
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • We've gotten that a lot recently.  It depends on my mood.  Sometimes, I say they do run in the family but I find it simply an inappropriate questions, unless it's someone who's in the IF journey and genuinely wants to learn.  We did do IVF and when I'm with my wife, it should seem pretty obvious there was some intervention involved!  The babies are almost here and I imagine it will irritate me more once they can understand what's being asked.  Luckily, 90% of the comments we get are just pure happiness and the idea of twins, and not conception nosiness.

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  • I have historically responded with "they were the worst surprise of my life!" That shuts people up pretty quick ;).

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    Grant - 6/2/11
    Glenn and Caroline - 6/19/13

    [Deleted User]
  • I usually say it was a huge surprise and leave it at that.

    If they ask if I found out early (which can be a thinly veiled attempt at asking about fertility treatments), I say yes but that i wasn't expecting an early u/s.

    Some people are direct and I tell them they're spontaneous.

    Since I have 3 boys, I also get a lot of "try again for a girl" comments. Haha, no.
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    [Deleted User]
  • I have not had this question, but I think I would just answer "yes." When I was pregnant I got the "do twins run in your family?" question a lot. I also answered "no, it was a surprise." That usually ended their nosiness. I don't get these questions anymore because people are distracted by how different mine look. So I deal with subtle racism instead of prying into fertility. Hooray!
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • It seems to be a common question when we say we're having twins.  I've heard a lot more "do twins run in your family" than are they natural though, thank goodness.  It depends who it is and how much I want to say.  I have shared with a number of people that we tried for a long time and had help, for others I say my aunt has twins - which she does, she just isn't a blood relative, she married into the family but again, people don't need to know that.  I sometimes have said it was an awesome surprise to us!

    I want to be open about our IF, especially in case those we're talking to are dealing with it, as well as to hopefully normalize it a little more.  I hate that there's such a taboo surrounding it.   I'm just not always up for getting into it with random people.
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    3 Failed Femara + TI cycles and 4 Failed Injects + B2B IUI cycles
    Cycle 23: IVF#1 CoQ10 + Lupron + Puregon = BFP!!
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    Ylvelill
  • IVF MoM here too - and I get these questions a ton. I expected comments from people (thanks to the forewarning of this board!) but I didn't expect the crazy amount that we do get. 

    As some said, in this situation it really depends on my mood (and how fussy the babies are) but normally I say they are IVF babes and will gladly get into it. I refuse to disclose our diagnosis since I feel like that is too personal but will happily explain the procedures/process. The question may be rude, but I've found the people who have asked me were just not well informed on the subject. I hope by the end of the conversation, they know just a bit more than when we started. 

    Honestly though, it's led to a ton of amazing discussions with random strangers who have also done IVF, knows someone whose going through it, or done other IF treatments. I don't think I've ever actually had someone react negatively to my story. I'm probably just very lucky :) But then again, the babes are only 5 months old.... I'm sure we'll have some jerk say something one day. 
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    LisasugarMKateG
  • I am very open with everyone and their mom about the fact that all of our children were conceived via IVF, but that is just a personal preference. My answers to that question usually depend on the kind of mood I am in when asked. I have given responses ranging from "No, they're aliens," to "Our children were made with love." It is a very personal question, and people can be really rude about it. I think you should answer with whatever response makes you comfortable.

    DX: DOR and MFI 

     

    IVF w/ICSI brought us our 1st precious miracle

    V born via induction 4.29.11

    TTC #2: IVF (MDLF) August/September 2012

    ER 9/7: 6R, 5M, 4F ET 9/12: 5dt of 2 blasts 

    +HPT 9/17! Beta #1 (9/25) = 1,000 Beta #2 (9/27) = 1,860 U/S #1 (10/11)...TWINS!

    1/8/13 - It's a..boy and a girl!!   

     

    S&B born via induction 5.8.13

     

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    Ylvelill
  • You should say, "they sure are! Is your hair color natural?" Or "are your boobs natural?"
    Pregnancy Ticker Anniversary
  • Oh my. Ours were a complete biological surprise (no fertility treatments) and I still get annoyed by this question. I think it's rude and none of their damn business.

    That being said, it's easy to feel judged. We've suffered years of unexplained infertility, and nothing sucked more than random strangers telling us we better get to it, especially after a miscarriage or asking us when were we going to start a family (as if we as a couple weren't a family). But I think because so many people these days seem to be having fertility treatments that people are simply curious because so many multiples are the result of treatment. It's still rude, but I try and understand why people are crossing what I consider a line amongst strangers.
    CaliCarly77Lisasugar
  • I haven't been asked this, but I almost always follow up my announcement of twins with the explanation that we did IVF. I am all about making it acceptable to others. There is nothing wrong or strange about getting pregnant that way and I feel like it's important to educate as much as possible. However, if someone is rude to me about it, he or she had better be prepared for a verbal shredding.
  • I feel really awkward about the question, because my twins were spontaneous AND I had OHSS (which is practically unheard of without clomid or other stimulation drugs)... so it doesn't bother me with strangers, but the majority of my family either assumes I had IVF or thinks I'm a damn liar when I insist they were spontaneous. 
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    image image

    *Spontaneous* OHSS diagnosed 08.06.2012
    Right ovary removed 09.04.2012 via vertical laparotomy
    Essure implant placed on remaining tube 06.13.2013; successful followup scan 09.30.2013


  • I just say yes, since they are. I always mention my cousin's twins, who are 4 months older, even though hers are identical and technically that isn't a genetic trait but it helps people stfu and move on. My mom had twin siblings but they died at birth so I hate to bring that up. My grandmother also had twin siblings. (all sororal twins btw!) 
    ********************************************************************************************
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    5/17/13 BFP!!! 6/6/13 - OMG its TWINS!

    Josie and Lexie were born on January 4, 2014 at 37w2d
    Josie was 5lbs2oz, Lexie was 4lbs15oz 
    Both had a 9 APGAR score with no NICU time
    Planned unscheduled C-Section due to both being breech
    We all went home on Jan 6th, 2 days after surgery

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  • I hate how many IVF questions we get from strangers!!! I love people and strangers in general because I love to chat new people up. I now avoid them when I can anticipate the twin IVF question. I don't call my infants ' twins' in public. They are very different sizes so I have learned to stay clear of the dreaded topic by just calling them 'my kids'. I could rant on but it's not going to help :)
    imageimage
  • @Margritli‌ DH and I did one round of ivf plus two FETs before getting a viable pregnancy, (I know for many others it takes more so I am very thankful that it worked 3rd try) but I have been open with ppl, the questions get really annoying just because ppl ALWAYS have something to say about twins. I just tell them "we did ivf three times" usually it either shuts them up and they don't say anything stupid to follow or they share personal experience with infertility. I usually don't share with random men but women I work with and sometimes if I just feel its right I share. Plus there is such a stigma attached to IF and it seems as if ppl believe IF is just this rare foreign thing I feel like sharing is my way of educating ppl about IF. I have had so many nurses ask "what's ivf"! This always just floors me!
    *loss and BFP mentioned*
    Me: Endo & No Tubes 
    DH: perfect!
    IVF#1 (Sept 2013) Long Lupron Protocol
               17 retrieved, 15 fert, 1 perfect blast trans, 10 frozen
                BFP--Ended-- Blighted Ovum
    FET#2 Tentative Sched: Start meds CD1=Feb 1, ET= Feb 19-20
              One Grade 4AA Blast transferred, 5dpt- BFP HPT, 6dpt- line darker
              Beta #1- 50, Beta #2- 30
              BFN- Chemical preg
    FET#3 CD1-4/11, start Injections on CD13, ET scheduled- 4/29
             CD12 u/s & bw- Lining 8.7, estrogen 335, cleared for ET in one week!
             CD19 ET- Two Grade 4AA Blast transferred one with assisted hatching
             4dpt- POAS = BFP!....POAS everyday after = DARKER! FX!
             Beta #1- 703!  Beta #2- 4,004! 
             First U/S, 5wk0d- TWO gest sacs, Both with yolk sacs and a fetal pole both measuring 3d ahead!
    ((Thank you LORD, praying these LO grow, grow, grow!)) 
    **Due date Jan 14th- Boy/Girl twins**




     imageimage

    nanamp
  • ....although after reading all these comments I'm getting lots of good ideas of how I will respond in the future to those ppl that I know are just being nosey :-) usual ppl ask which side twins run on (they are on DHs side but I just don't go into trying to explain genetics and reproduction, most ppl won't get it anyway) but if I do get "are they natural" after the twins are here I think ill pinch their cheeks and say they feel pretty real to me!
    *loss and BFP mentioned*
    Me: Endo & No Tubes 
    DH: perfect!
    IVF#1 (Sept 2013) Long Lupron Protocol
               17 retrieved, 15 fert, 1 perfect blast trans, 10 frozen
                BFP--Ended-- Blighted Ovum
    FET#2 Tentative Sched: Start meds CD1=Feb 1, ET= Feb 19-20
              One Grade 4AA Blast transferred, 5dpt- BFP HPT, 6dpt- line darker
              Beta #1- 50, Beta #2- 30
              BFN- Chemical preg
    FET#3 CD1-4/11, start Injections on CD13, ET scheduled- 4/29
             CD12 u/s & bw- Lining 8.7, estrogen 335, cleared for ET in one week!
             CD19 ET- Two Grade 4AA Blast transferred one with assisted hatching
             4dpt- POAS = BFP!....POAS everyday after = DARKER! FX!
             Beta #1- 703!  Beta #2- 4,004! 
             First U/S, 5wk0d- TWO gest sacs, Both with yolk sacs and a fetal pole both measuring 3d ahead!
    ((Thank you LORD, praying these LO grow, grow, grow!)) 
    **Due date Jan 14th- Boy/Girl twins**




     imageimage

  • I had IVF too. When people ask, I tell them twins run in my family which is true. I have a cousin pregnant with boy/girl twins right at same time as me so people who are close to my family believe me
    Me: 32, DH: 34.
    Trying since Jan 2011. Unexplained IF.
    2 IUIs = BFN.
    1 IVF (Dec 2013) = BFN.
    FET, 2 frosties (June 13, 2014)

    14dp5dt-June 27 -BFP, beta 2061. 2nd beta >5000, 3rd beta >5000, 2 sacs 06/30.
    Twin Girls - 02/11/15 - at 37 weeks (no NICU, home with me at 3 days).
  • All babies are natural. I had 2 rounds of Clomid, after being told by an "expert" I had a 2% chance of getting pregnant without him and that Clomid would make no difference. So if you can trust him, then they are also "spontaneous" ;-)
    My husband gets mad if I say they are "natural" :-)
    I tell people there are twins in the family, but not close...maternal cousins and my paternal grandmother...

    I have a girlfriend who was very open about her IVF and egg donor. And she advised not telling people if I went that route based on how people reacted with her (including her MIL, who kept saying "you can't even tell he's not yours, you're very good with him").

    I support motherhood, no matter your journey to arrive there. All babies are natural and thwy do love their mommies :-) Naturally!
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Twins actually do run pretty strong in my family, my mother is a twin and has a pair of twin siblings.  I used femara, an ovidrel trigger and timed intercourse to conceive my twins due to PCOS, which increases the incidence of twins but not by a huge amount (my RE told me that with his method it bumped up the twin chances to 6% instead of slightly under 1% for people conceiving without treatment, his numbers not mine).  So I imagine the treatment combined with the strong family incidence of twins put me over the edge.  Annnndddd I don't share all that with strangers because it's none of their business.

    Sometimes I'm seriously tempted to go into overwhelmingly graphic detail about what PCOS is and what my treatments were like, just to make them regret butting in where they don't belong.

    So far I've only been asked if they were "natural" by well-meaning coworkers, who I can't really shame.  If I ever get asked by a stranger I fully intend to respond that no, they were conceived through immaculate conception :)

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Ask them what brand of tampon they use. They will get the point! What an awful and stupid question. 

    All babies are natural no matter how they are created- They are not plastic!

  • At my last MFM appointment I got a new ultrasound tech. She asked if they were spontaneous or IVF. I said neither. She gave me a strange look and I explained that I took medication to help me mature follicles, HCG shot to trigger ovulation, and timed intercourse. She just looked at me for a moment and turning back to the computer said, "So, I'll put IVF in then." Grrrrrrrr......
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers
  • diz1313 said:

    At my last MFM appointment I got a new ultrasound tech. She asked if they were spontaneous or IVF. I said neither. She gave me a strange look and I explained that I took medication to help me mature follicles, HCG shot to trigger ovulation, and timed intercourse. She just looked at me for a moment and turning back to the computer said, "So, I'll put IVF in then." Grrrrrrrr......

    This is why they shouldn't skip the fertility treatment section in nursing school! My instructor said she wasn't going over it because it was so rare that none of us would encounter anyone that did any of them. I spoke with the director about that one.
    *loss and BFP mentioned*
    Me: Endo & No Tubes 
    DH: perfect!
    IVF#1 (Sept 2013) Long Lupron Protocol
               17 retrieved, 15 fert, 1 perfect blast trans, 10 frozen
                BFP--Ended-- Blighted Ovum
    FET#2 Tentative Sched: Start meds CD1=Feb 1, ET= Feb 19-20
              One Grade 4AA Blast transferred, 5dpt- BFP HPT, 6dpt- line darker
              Beta #1- 50, Beta #2- 30
              BFN- Chemical preg
    FET#3 CD1-4/11, start Injections on CD13, ET scheduled- 4/29
             CD12 u/s & bw- Lining 8.7, estrogen 335, cleared for ET in one week!
             CD19 ET- Two Grade 4AA Blast transferred one with assisted hatching
             4dpt- POAS = BFP!....POAS everyday after = DARKER! FX!
             Beta #1- 703!  Beta #2- 4,004! 
             First U/S, 5wk0d- TWO gest sacs, Both with yolk sacs and a fetal pole both measuring 3d ahead!
    ((Thank you LORD, praying these LO grow, grow, grow!)) 
    **Due date Jan 14th- Boy/Girl twins**




     imageimage

    diz1313[Deleted User]
  • Singletons, Twins, multiples of any number are a blessing regardless of how they came to be and I believe that they are all miracles. I really wish people weren't nosy a-holes. I'm posting again bc I confided in a couple work people finally bc I had a wicked case of nausea today and a neighboring teacher had to cover my class. Anyway, I got married in August, conceived on my honeymoon and this crazy teacher STILL asked me this question!!!
    Pregnancy Ticker Anniversary
  • Can I just say this question is so ignorant that it makes me want to scream.  I have only been asked this once since the girls have been born.  It was more common when I was pregnant.  The last person to ask this question actually has twin grandbabies that are (both natural and) IVF.  Why is it people think if babies are IVF they are not natural?!  I was pretty disgusted by the question.  My girls were conceived without IVF, but regardless of IVF or not, conception is natural; all babies are natural.  It is not anyone's business.  And it is fair enough to tell someone that.  Some adults need to be reminded of manners. 

     

    [Deleted User]greks84
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