Sorry this is a vent in a half because DH ticked me off major tonight! Before we got married, we had decided that we would have three children if we were lucky enough to be blessed with them. Tonight on our way to a double date (first night out for me sans toddler and 6 week old) he made a comment that suggested that he was done having children... I have a newborn still and trust me I am not in a rush anytime soon to add another, however, I think the option still should be on the table for later down the road when the time is right. Now is not the right time to add another and I know that! Truth be told, I do not think it is alright to promise someone something and make wedding vows around it if you don't mean it. This is like the third thing he promised me that he is revoking all of a sudden. It has never been a secret that I wanted at least three kids and he promised that when he married me that we could have a beautiful family.
I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from to be honest. I've decided to wait to talk to him until tomorrow when I am cool, calm and collected so I don't say anything that I don't mean. Recently, my DH keeps getting job offers out in CA which is clear across the country. Although it would be a raise from what he's making here, we would be in the same financial situation really (which is not a bad financial situation at all). We discussed and we decided it wasn't worth moving away from our support out here and uprooting our family for it. Also, both of parents have had a lot of health issues and the doctors think my mother has cancer again, so at this time I do not feel emotionally ready to move away when they may need me. Well he got a call yesterday and they offered an additional 5k a year and now he says he thinks we should reconsider it. I told him I didn't think an additional 5k really made that much of a difference and all the things we had looked into previously. I can tell he really wants to go there. He had even mentioned in a hypothetical if he didn't have a family or if I left him he would move out there in a heart beat, so I think maybe he resents me?
Clearly we are going to be having a discussion tomorrow after I get some sleep and get my emotions in check. It does not help to be overtired in addition to everything else that is going on. Right now I deal with kids 95% of the time on my own. When he gets home from work, we will go for a walk as a family and eat dinner then he gets to rest/relax the rest of the night. Really the only thing that has changed is that I am leaving our newborn home with DH when I do groceries because he is fussy and it is hard to get errands done with him. Other than that, I handle the kids and he really does minimal diaper changes/feedings by comparison. I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't understand what is so hard for him about the kids or why down the line he would feel threatened by another LO. Also, we have been having sex two to three times a week so he is getting attention in that department as well.
I'm trying to figure out if this is just about him resenting me for not wanting to go to CA? Is he overtired from having a newborn and a wife with less energy? I know I feel like that comment about changing his marital promises/vows will honestly cause me to resent him. Like I said, I will be discussing this with him tomorrow. If we can't come to a consensus on our own, I am going to suggest we seek counseling. Right now, I am just one overtired/hormonal mommy with a messy house and colicky baby, so I just don't feel like I'm always being rational. Sorry for venting but thanks for listening.
Re: Confused with DH...
As you know, post partum is a rock-your-world time. It doesn't matter what baby number you are on. Emotions run high & stress does too. Perhaps this isn't the hill you want to die on right now? Let things settle. Get #2 past a year, maybe two, & revisit your feelings.
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Maybe he feels complete with the family you two have together now. People can change their minds. I know plenty of people who wanted x amount of kids but stopped short of that number for various reasons. It happens and it doesn't mean he resents you.
I also don't see how you can make wedding vows around the number of children you want. I mean, I understand dreaming about your future family and what that might look like, but to make that promise before you even have one child is a bit absurd.
Take some time to calm down and then talk with him. Find out why exactly he feels content with 2 kids, and then see if he would be willing to revisit the idea of a 3rd in a year or two.
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"Everybody wants to be happy. Nobody wants to feel pain but you can't have a rainbow without the rain."
I would say maybe give it some time and perhaps as your kids get a bit older you husband might change his mind. Hell, you might change your mind. Try not to get worked up about it right now since you just had a kid and said yourself that you don't want another any time soon. Maybe when you start thinking about another bring it up again to your husband and see where he is at.
I can empathize with wanting to have more children, I wanted three children and brought it up to my husband, but after having two, he REALLY only wants two. Despite your needs/wants/dreams...think about his as well. The desire to have more children can be just as great as the desire to NOT have more. I think its unfair to expect him to fulfill your wishes just because he agreed to something while you were dating 5 years ago. It sounds like you guys have a lot to work on before adding another child to your family. Hope you can come to a decision you both are happy with.
DH said he always wanted 2 kids. Now with 1 I'm pretty sure we're done. He's done. We haven't closed the door completely but it's become the new future. And that's okay. We will figure it out in the next little while.
Good luck!