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Confused with DH...

foreverapartofmeforeverapartofme member
in Babies on the Brain
Sorry this is a vent in a half because DH ticked me off major tonight!  Before we got married, we had decided that we would have three children if we were lucky enough to be blessed with them.  Tonight on our way to a double date (first night out for me sans toddler and 6 week old) he made a comment that suggested that he was done having children... I have a newborn still and trust me I am not in a rush anytime soon to add another, however, I think the option still should be on the table for later down the road when the time is right. Now is not the right time to add another and I know that! Truth be told, I do not think it is alright to promise someone something and make wedding vows around it if you don't mean it.  This is like the third thing he promised me that he is revoking all of a sudden. It has never been a secret that I wanted at least three kids and he promised that when he married me that we could have a beautiful family.  

I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from to be honest.  I've decided to wait to talk to him until tomorrow when I am cool, calm and collected so I don't say anything that I don't mean.  Recently, my DH keeps getting job offers out in CA which is clear across the country.  Although it would be a raise from what he's making here, we would be in the same financial situation really (which is not a bad financial situation at all).  We discussed and we decided it wasn't worth moving away from our support out here and uprooting our family for it.  Also, both of parents have had a lot of health issues and the doctors think my mother has cancer again, so at this time I do not feel emotionally ready to move away when they may need me. Well he got a call yesterday and they offered an additional 5k a year and now he says he thinks we should reconsider it.  I told him I didn't think an additional 5k really made that much of a difference and all the things we had looked into previously.  I can tell he really wants to go there.  He had even mentioned in a hypothetical if he didn't have a family or if I left him he would move out there in a heart beat, so I think maybe he resents me?

Clearly we are going to be having a discussion tomorrow after I get some sleep and get my emotions in check.  It does not help to be overtired in addition to everything else that is going on.  Right now I deal with kids 95% of the time on my own.  When he gets home from work, we will go for a walk as a family and eat dinner then he gets to rest/relax the rest of the night.  Really the only thing that has changed is that I am leaving our newborn home with DH when I do groceries because he is fussy and it is hard to get errands done with him.  Other than that, I handle the kids and he really does minimal diaper changes/feedings by comparison.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I don't understand what is so hard for him about the kids or why down the line he would feel threatened by another LO.  Also, we have been having sex two to three times a week so he is getting attention in that department as well.

I'm trying to figure out if this is just about him resenting me for not wanting to go to CA?  Is he overtired from having a newborn and a wife with less energy? I know I feel like that comment about changing his marital promises/vows will honestly cause me to resent him. Like I said, I will be discussing this with him tomorrow.  If we can't come to a consensus on our own, I am going to suggest we seek counseling.  Right now, I am just one overtired/hormonal mommy with a messy house and colicky baby, so I just don't feel like I'm always being rational.  Sorry for venting but thanks for listening.
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Re: Confused with DH...

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    JubilantSquirrelJubilantSquirrel member

    Maybe he feels complete with the family you two have together now. People can change their minds. I know plenty of people who wanted x amount of kids but stopped short of that number for various reasons. It happens and it doesn't mean he resents you.

    I also don't see how you can make wedding vows around the number of children you want. I mean, I understand dreaming about your future family and what that might look like, but to make that promise before you even have one child is a bit absurd.

    Take some time to calm down and then talk with him. Find out why exactly he feels content with 2 kids, and then see if he would be willing to revisit the idea of a 3rd in a year or two.


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    foreverapartofmeforeverapartofme member
    Sorry again for my vent.   I was quite over tired and have been feeling anxious/emotional this postpartum so looking at back at my rant I was being irrational.  I love my family very much and am truly dedicated to them. I do think they are beautiful and I do feel blessed for having them.  However, I have to admit I am disappointed what I envisioned as the picture of the family in my head may not come true.  My mother comes from a family with sixteen kids and I came from a family of six kids.  I loved having so many kids around and always someone to pal with this!!!! I love my family but I have always wanted to have at least three of my own if not more.  My DH and I discussed this frequently in the  four/five years we were dating and agreed upon three before we got married.  I understand people/situations change and I need to be flexible. My husband may be feeling that our family is complete, but I do not feel like our family is whole yet.  I respect how he is feeling and we can revisit this in a few years, but I do feel I have a right to feel sad/disappointed about this, as I do not feel the same way he does.  In the meantime, I will enjoy every moment with my children because they are a wonderful blessing, and I honestly did not mean to imply that they were anything other than beautiful to me.  Thank you for your honest responses with me, and for pointing out how you interpreted my vent.
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    waldothewiener1waldothewiener1 member
    Plus, in the future things can always change. When your kids grow up a bit he may change his mind. Like pp said, this first year is a very stressful time. I have an almost 4 month old and my H insists we're one and done despite saying he wanted a big family before we had DS lol. I'm sure that'll change. Just take it one day at a time.
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    sandrabrookesandrabrooke member
    When I was in marriage counseling they asked us to plan if we wanted kids, not to plan how many we wanted.  

    I think marriage is about being flexible in certain situations.  However, I also think its way too early for you and your husband to be making this decision.  I know many guys that don't want more kids with a newborn.  Lo and behold, 10 years later, they have 4.  It happens.  Just be open and honest with your husband and don't pressure him.

    Also, maybe look into the benefits of having 2? 
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    hopankahopanka member
    I think you should give it time. He may think he's done, but things can be different in a cpuple of years again. You guys are raising two very small kids and he may be feeling overwhelmed. It could be different when the kids grow a little. Or he may be truly done. Point is you don't know that for sure right now, plus you are not ready for another right now either, so pick your battles. I would let this issue marinate. The second issue is the moving. I completely see your points against moving as very valid. This one you should hash out soon though, as he is obviously pursuing offers from the west coast. You need to figure that issue out because I can see how that could turn into a problem/resentment issue. Good luck!
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    ppantsppants member
    I think men look at adding children as more responsibility financially. At least it was a huge factor for my DH. Maybe the birth of your most recent addition has him on edge financially, therefore; considering the move for more money. Men can also have depression after kids too. I hope you can both get on the same page.
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    normandyn7normandyn7 member
    I think it's easy when you don't have kids to say "oh I was a huge family with like 4 or 5 kids" and then you have a kid and realize how much work (and money) it actually is and change your mind. I always said I want 3 but now I think I'll be okay with 2. I have even had thoughts of being one and done.

    I would say maybe give it some time and perhaps as your kids get a bit older you husband might change his mind. Hell, you might change your mind. Try not to get worked up about it right now since you just had a kid and said yourself that you don't want another any time soon. Maybe when you start thinking about another bring it up again to your husband and see where he is at.
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    BlueJewelMBlueJewelM member
    foreverapartofme said:
    However, I have to admit I am disappointed what I envisioned as the picture of the family in my head may not come true.  My mother comes from a family with sixteen kids and I came from a family of six kids.  I loved having so many kids around and always someone to pal with this!!!! I love my family but I have always wanted to have at least three of my own if not more.  My DH and I discussed this frequently in the  four/five years we were dating and agreed upon three before we got married

    I can empathize with wanting to have more children, I wanted three children and brought it up to my husband, but after having two, he REALLY only wants two. Despite your needs/wants/dreams...think about his as well. The desire to have more children can be just as great as the desire to NOT have more. I think its unfair to expect him to fulfill your wishes just because he agreed to something while you were dating 5 years ago. It sounds like you guys have a lot to work on before adding another child to your family. Hope you can come to a decision you both are happy with.
     DS1 8/2011. DS2 8/2013.

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    jennypolkadotsjennypolkadots member
    From reading your post I can tell you don't think very highly of your husband. The way you talk about meeting his physical needs or that you think he resents you, or the way he isn't involved in child rearing, it is like he is your 3rd child. 

    If anything is bothering you, you should feel free to talk to the person who you are sharing your life with... but the hypothetical discussion of a 3rd child while you are not ready for one yourself seems somewhat trivial at this time. A bigger issue in my mind is that you feel like you can't talk to him and he is not helping to raise the 2 kids you have. 
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    MrsRustyGriswoldMrsRustyGriswold member
    GhostMonkey said:
    MrsRustyGriswold said:
    foreverapartofme said:
    Sorry this is a vent in a half because DH ticked me off major tonight!  Before we got married, we had decided that we would have three children if we were lucky enough to be blessed with them.  Tonight on our way to a double date (first night out for me sans toddler and 6 week old).  
    ...
    Also, we have been having sex two to three times a week so he is getting attention in that department as well.

    The bolded stuff makes my vag hurt.  Maybe I'm just fragile.
    I'm curious why they have been having sex considering most women are not cleared for sex until their 6 week post partum visit.


    Right?!  It just doesn't add up for me, either.
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    usernewnameusernewname member
    It's one thing to think of the future and plan. It's another to experience it. Things change and ideals and hopes will through these experiences.

    DH said he always wanted 2 kids. Now with 1 I'm pretty sure we're done. He's done. We haven't closed the door completely but it's become the new future. And that's okay. We will figure it out in the next little while.

    Good luck!
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    foreverapartofmeforeverapartofme member
    14whitney said:
    On July 10 you were 37 weeks. On July 16th you posted that you were induced at 37 weeks and 2 days, July 12th was when you gave birth. 

    That puts you at 8 weeks when you posted this, 9 weeks now. Not 6. 



    July 10: foreverapartofme said:
    I've had this since 29 weeks and I'm now 37 weeks!  Some things that my midwife suggested are as follows:


    July 16: foreverapartofme said:
    I went into labor 37 weeks, 2 days pregnant! I started to have strong, consistent contractions. My water did not break until about 30 minutes before I pushed DD out. Good luck!

    Actually, I had my DS at 38 weeks, 3 days and gave birth on July 20th.  That post was referring to my DD who was born at 37 weeks in January of 2012. 

    I love my DH very much and I was in an emotional state when I wrote this.  My DH is my best friend and when I am frustrated with him we always hash it out, but when I am very emotional I wait until I calm down and think it through before discussing it. Given the lack of sleep and just be emotional this postpartum, I truly did need a vent and have since cooled down and figured it out. We have discussed it since then and have agreed that we are done for now, but will revisit it in a few years.  Right now, taking care of the two beautiful LOs we have is priority, as well as taking care of our relationship. 
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    foreverapartofmeforeverapartofme member
    To be honest, I had a very easy delivery.  It was only like five minutes of pushing and he was out with no tearing thankfully this time.  We actually had sex because I was in the mood to and it didn't hurt.  Trust me, if it hurt I wouldn't be having intimate time!  
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    Mysterious_wifeMysterious_wife member
    You've got bigger problems than adding a third child to the mix
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