Please help, my husband wants a divorce

readyforround2 · September 2014

Disneygeek77 said:
I reread this post and I wonder if something else is going on. The extreme over reaction, asking for a divorce, not being there in the morning, acting like he deserves to be treated better ( and I have never heard a man say he deserves to be put on a pedastal), I wonder if he is having an affair.

I mean I could be wrong, but I have heard that when someone over reacts like this and asks for a divorce that is usually a sign of a guilty conscience looking to justify their behavior. Plus with the fact that he wasn't there today, I wonder if he is with his affair partner.

Again, I could be wrong and I'm not saying he isn't an abusive a-hole too, but it seems like he was just looking for a reason to walk out.

Honestly, the thought of him cheating came to my mind too. My BILs wife would flip out over little things and demand a divorce after EVERY argument, and she was cheating on him (with multiple guys). He decided to stay with her despite it all and wasn't faithful for a short time after he caught her but that's a whole other story.

*This is just an assumption though and like disneygeek said, that doesn't mean it's true. I edited my post because I don't want to cause you any more stress then you already have. I only quoted disneygeek because I had a similar thought from previous experience with family members.*

I do agree that this relationship sounds very toxic and has all of the red flags of an abusive one. I know you mentioned that counseling has worked in the past but after reading all of the red flags you mentioned, I think your husband might have been "going through the motions" during it. Abusive people know how to twist their words and use their targets (don't know if that it to right word) emotions against them. You may have learned a lot during it but that doesn't mean he did.

I am truly sorry you are dealing with this and hope you can have a rational conversation with him later. Please update us on how your day goes. I know we are a bunch of strangers but we can all be a support system for you too.

Disneygeek77 · September 2014

I have heard that sometimes counseling can make things worse when you are dealing with an abuser. Abusers tend to be very manipulative and can also manipulative counselors too.

NatureLovers · September 2014

Disneygeek77 said:
I have heard that sometimes counseling can make things worse when you are dealing with an abuser. Abusers tend to be very manipulative and can also manipulative counselors too.

Exactly. Counseling can actually make abusers worse, because they take the info discussed in counseling and use it against their victim. I went to counseling with my abusive ex, and after the first session he drove around for two hours, screaming at me non-stop, and wouldn't let me out of the car. I was already planning on leaving him, but after a couple of solo sessions with him the counselor called me and told me to get out and go somewhere safe. Counseling just made him more cruel.

jennyhatt · September 2014

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but a SAHD (and SAHM) only applies when kids are not in school yet. It means they are caring for the child till school age. I am a SAHM and I couldn't imagine what I would do with my time if she was at school full time!? It's not like he is on disability leave or something.
So .....
He is just being a stay at home dead beat in my opinion.
GET a JOB son!

LaBellaVida · September 2014

ExcitedMama2 said:

LaBellaVida said:

I'm nosey. I wish OP would come back to answer some questions.

Why did he move you guys to Florida, if he had no job? New start to what?
Do you even speak to your parents? Why don't they like him?
Why does he feel he needs to be put up on a pedestal? What has he done to deserve that?
Where did he go this morning? Is he home yet? Have You guys talked more? Does he still want a divorce over a lousy ultrasound?

I'll be surprised if OP comes back.

She said she worked a night shift, she's probably sleeping right now! While I know there are some post-and-runners, I don't think she is one of them. She answered questions for a little while, at least. And even if she is a post-and-runner, if we were all she had, I'm glad we were there for here even if just for a few hours. Sounds like she's in a really shitty situation.

True about the long hours, and hopefully she's sleeping.

Even though she answered some questions and what not, I have a feeling she'll never return. /Shrugs

bjb1979 · September 2014

You poor thing, he sounds very controlling, like he's not getting what he wants so he thinks you have to suffer. Sounds like a very immature reaction, does he manipulate you often like this? I'm so sorry, but your baby is more important than an unsupportive man. I hope he can face his issues and stop the emotional abuse.

Latham12 · September 2014

BookitBoo said:
I want to point out that being a stay at home dad is an awesome and worthy thing. Unless your stepson is 18 or something, I see no reason why he can't be a stay at home dad, especially if your salary would be more than his.

Why doesn't your family approved? And most importantly, do you want to remain married to him?

This. Also, I think it's amazing that he cares so much about your guy's baby that he wants to be there. I would have asked my DH personally, bc it's a very special and intimate moment to see your child. That fact that he threw out the divorce word isn't ok though, but hopefully he was just upset and trying to hurt you as much as you hurt him.

Edit: how is he "isolating" you from your family? I live a 23 hour drive from my family and DH's family but we moved here for DH's job and we are meant to be here. I have never thought of living away from my family as DH isolating me before. Why don't you go visit your family?

llambrose · September 2014

Seems ironic to me that he would call you selfish when you work long hours while pregnant to support him and his son and he made you isolate yourself from your family to be with him. He straight up sounds mentally and emotionally abusive and you are honestly better off without him (not that I believe for one minute that he would actually let you go). It is about control and manipulation, keeping you on edge and nervous about keeping him happy so that you don't realize how wrong everything is. I know all of this as I have been in this kind of an abusive relationship before. The absolute best thing that ever happened to me was walking away from him, without a doubt. Your situation sounds bad now but will only get worse once your baby is born, if you can find a way to get out, do it. I would never let anyone tell me when or under what circumstances I could have an ultrasound, it is your body and you can do what you want. I have no doubt that his reaction is more than just being hurt or over reacting, it is because you did something without his consent and he is trying regain control.

Disneygeek77 · September 2014

LilacCourt said:

Disneygeek77 said:

I have heard that sometimes counseling can make things worse when you are dealing with an abuser. Abusers tend to be very manipulative and can also manipulative counselors too.

But a counselor can help determine if it's cheating, unresolved issues from an unstable previous relationship, or an abuser. A good counselor can spot it from 5 miles away and help the other partner recognize the abuser for what he/she is.

I have to say, it's hard to tell from this OP's statements whether this is truly an abusive relationship, or a really dramatic depiction of a fucked up marriage between 2 people that haven't had enough counseling to get past their own issues to make it work together. Many of her statements can be interpreted either way. But if counseling worked in the past, as OP said, then that says something. Both have issues to work out individually as well as together.

Very true, but the keyword here is good counselor. Unfortunately from what I have seen, the counselors that offer discounted services or through a house of worship sometimes ( not always but sometimes) aren't trained enough to know how to spot an abuser.

I know my BFF was in an emotionally abusive marriage but her husband was also able to manipulate the counselor because he simply wasn't educated enough. He was just one of the pastors that took a 10 week course in marriage counseling. Yeah 10 weeks. Now I know this isn't always the case, but her experience makes me hesitant to suggest marriage counseling when we are talking about a possibly abusive situation. At least with someone that hasn't had extensive training.

kolaczka · September 2014

I find the timing interesting . He has been at home not working for 2 years and you have been married for 2 years?

It is impossible to understand the full situation from a few posts but my immediate reaction is that it feels like a dangerous situation to be in. No support network close by and a financially unstable situation with a spouse that isn't acting as a partner and is playing the victim. There are always 2 sides but with that many red flags I would also be worried about escalation to physical abuse.

mikeyboyandjessiegirl · September 2014

There's something else going on.... People don't demand divorces over things like that out of the blue. He is either involved in something he feels guilty about and wants to turn it around on you, or he's taken you for granted way too long and is just looking for an excuse to end things.
None of this is your fault! Please make a choice that will be best for you and this new baby. I can't imagine the pain and confusion you feel right now... I'm so sorry. But a man that isolates you and treats you the way you were describing?? That's definite abusive behavior. Things are not right. Get as far away from him as possible if you can.

pleirey · September 2014

jessytaddeo You've been in my thoughts this morning. Part of me is hoping that for the sake of your family that things improve and you and DH can work through this and come out a better couple on the other side. I've been reading through a lot of, but not all, the replies you've gotten. There are definitely some great replies from some very supportive ladies! And I definitely hope they help you.

I'm on your side with this one, and not just because we're both women and pregnant. His reaction was absolutely out of proportion to the situation. But I can't but wonder if he lashed out because he has so many stressors that could make him feel inadequate as a husband. 1) He doesn't work. 2) He's taken on a stereotypical "woman's" role, and it could make him feel like less of a man. 3) There's a mountain of debt piling up around your household. Because of those three things that you have shared with us, I truly can't help but feel that maybe he's feeling very emascualted, inadequate, and insecure as a husband, father and man. That is by no means an excuse for his behavior yesterday; not one bit of an excuse. But it could be a part of why he lashed out at you so harshly.

I'm not going to jump to conclusions like some others have and tell you to immediately seek a divorce. It's not my decision to make. It's for the two of you to discuss together. My fiance and I are just now working through some very trying times ourselves, so I feel for you. It's been hard. The discussions have not been easy for us so I can only imagine how tough they will be for you two. I truly and deeply hope you two are able to work through all the issues there are in your relationship. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us again if you need to vent or have questions. Even though we're complete strangers, know that we care. (*hugs*)

ghostof5letters · September 2014

What "opportunity" did you move to FL for? How'd that opportunity pan out?

If this were, I'd call my "scum bag" family and head home.

Want a personalized experience?

Please help, my husband wants a divorce

Re: Please help, my husband wants a divorce

Choose Another Board

Search Boards