Please help, my husband wants a divorce

jessytaddeo

I don't even know where to begin....
But I am so upset right now I can't even think of what to do. I just left my house and I'm sitting by the lake trying to clear my head.

I am a nurse and last night at work I used our ultrasound machine to take a quick peek at our baby. I'm almost 20 weeks and I haven't seen her in awhile, it wasn't that busy, so I took like 5 minutes and kinda checked up on her.

Well when I got home from work I told my husband and step son that I got to see the baby last night at work..... My husband FREAKED out saying how selfish I was, how I didn't take his feelings into consideration, how he has no say in what has been happening with the baby...
He said he was going to file for divorce.

I truly don't think I was wrong in taking a half-assed ultrasound of my baby while I had some down time at work... I'm not an ultrasound tech, I really don't know how to work the machine. I just thought it was a perk of my job that I hadn't taken advantage of yet....

I feel like he is overreacting.

I told him it was MY body the baby was inside so I could do what I wanted with my body, and it wasn't harmful to the baby so what's the big deal....

He says it's part of him too...

But he won't even touch my belly. It "grosses" him out.

I don't know what to do.

I am new to this area and I have no friends here. I feel so helpless and alone.... And pathetic that the only thing I can think of doing is pouring my heart out to some strangers on the internet....

To be with my husband I have isolated myself from my parents and my only brother - we moved to another part of the country even though they thought it was a bad idea.
I work full time and my husband does not work. He hasn't worked in over 2 years.
He has a son from a previous relationship who lives with us so he is a stay at home dad...

Never in a million years would I have thought he'd react in this way. I only could see the top of her head anyway... It's hard to do an ultrasound on yourself while standing up! Now he wants a divorce. This is so crazy.
And I just worked a 12 hour night shift and I have no where to go...

I thought about going to a hotel but it's only 10am so I can't check in anywhere yet and it's going to be 97 degrees today.....

I just don't know what to do.

NatureLovers

Is this your first post?

My vote is give him the divorce. He sounds like a useless, selfish tool. Throw him out of the house, you're the one that's paying for it anyway.

BookitBoo

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are not pathetic for venting and reaching out for help. The situation sounds horrible and overwhelming.

How long have you and your husband been together? It sounds like there is a lot more going on there than him being upset that you got to see the baby and didn't ask or invite him or whatever he wanted. I think, if this is a relationship that you want to endure, you could both benefit from couples counseling.

Lots of thoughts and prayers as you figure this out

liladelphia215

jessytaddeo said:

I don't even know where to begin.... But I am so upset right now I can't even think of what to do. I just left my house and I'm sitting by the lake trying to clear my head. I am a nurse and last night at work I used our ultrasound machine to take a quick peek at our baby. I'm almost 20 weeks and I haven't seen her in awhile, it wasn't that busy, so I took like 5 minutes and kinda checked up on her. Well when I got home from work I told my husband and step son that I got to see the baby last night at work..... My husband FREAKED out saying how selfish I was, how I didn't take his feelings into consideration, how he has no say in what has been happening with the baby... He said he was going to file for divorce. I truly don't think I was wrong in taking a half-assed ultrasound of my baby while I had some down time at work... I'm not an ultrasound tech, I really don't know how to work the machine. I just thought it was a perk of my job that I hadn't taken advantage of yet.... I feel like he is overreacting. I told him it was MY body the baby was inside so I could do what I wanted with my body, and it wasn't harmful to the baby so what's the big deal.... He says it's part of him too... But he won't even touch my belly. It "grosses" him out. I don't know what to do. I am new to this area and I have no friends here. I feel so helpless and alone.... And pathetic that the only thing I can think of doing is pouring my heart out to some strangers on the internet.... To be with my husband I have isolated myself from my parents and my only brother - we moved to another part of the country even though they thought it was a bad idea. I work full time and my husband does not work. He hasn't worked in over 2 years. He has a son from a previous relationship who lives with us so he is a stay at home dad... Never in a million years would I have thought he'd react in this way. I only could see the top of her head anyway... It's hard to do an ultrasound on yourself while standing up! Now he wants a divorce. This is so crazy. And I just worked a 12 hour night shift and I have no where to go... I thought about going to a hotel but it's only 10am so I can't check in anywhere yet and it's going to be 97 degrees today..... I just don't know what to do.

I agree with Naturelovers. Based on your post, the fact that your family didn't approve of him, he doesn't work to support his own son, and he has to gull to ask for a divorce after you worked to support him and his kid - I'd give him the divorce, grab a nursing job near your home and move back there. He doesn't seem like he's worth the time of day. I know all this is easier said than done, but I feel like if he's willing to divorce you over something so small, I can only assume he (or both of you) have bigger problems.

jessytaddeo

Yes this is my first post... I've been more of a lurker on this forum since I have the app on my phone but never really had much to post about....
I am just feeling so sad right now.

Thank you for your kind words.

Milagros315

Yikes. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Your husband is completely irrational and ridiculous.

Honestly, you're probably better off without him. This sounds like an emotionally unhealthy/abusive relationship.

Please reach out to people in your life (family or friends or a professional) that can help you.

jessytaddeo

It's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels like he is being irrational.


We have been together 5 years and married for two.

BookitBoo

I want to point out that being a stay at home dad is an awesome and worthy thing. Unless your stepson is 18 or something, I see no reason why he can't be a stay at home dad, especially if your salary would be more than his.

Why doesn't your family approved? And most importantly, do you want to remain married to him?

AlfiesMOM

Ummm that is a complete overreaction, the situation does not even close to warrant a divorce. Has he ever expressed he didn't want you having ultrasounds? It honestly sounds like there is a LOT more to the situation because no normal person behaves this way. If I were you I would pack-up and go back to my family he seems very unstable. Good-luck!

jc51723

NatureLovers said:

Is this your first post?

My vote is give him the divorce. He sounds like a useless, selfish tool. Throw him out of the house, you're the one that's paying for it anyway.

I agree with @NatureLovers‌. He sounds pretty worthless to me, sorry. And I feel like It's doubtful he's asking for a divorce based solely on one crappy ultrasound. Sounds like there is a lot more to the story.

Good luck to you.

banana2020

SAHDs get a bad rep, I agree with @BookitBoo... No reason to knock him for that fact alone.

But. I can't even conceive of someone flipping out like this. It sounds like he's using this as an excuse to lose it on you.

If this is really how he reacts to such a petty thing as you doing an u/s (has he been at ALL of your u/s appts??? ALL of your doc appts???) then I think he's really just being a dink and looking to pick a fight.  And he sounds rather abusive (verbally).  I wouldn't want to be around someone like that at all.  If he said he was hurt you did it then fine. But to say he wants a DIVORCE because of it?  Clearly there's 34534545 more things going on here than just a petty little u/s that you did on 5 min of off time at your job.

misslizzy82

Is this the first time he's brought this up?  It sounds like a big leap from you doing an impromptu ultrasound (where you couldn't see anything anyway) to him wanting a divorce.  Is your stepson's mom close by?  I would feel bad about kicking him out if the kid didn't have a place to go (and a father that could afford it).  Just from what you've said, he seems like the type of person to fight back if you were to take his unborn baby back to where your parents live.  If it's worth it to you, I'd look into couples counceling and see if you can work through some of the issues he has. 

jessytaddeo

It was the fact that he has never missed an ultrasound and I took an opportunity to see our daughter and he didn't get it. Not that he doesn't want me to be ultrasounded. It makes no sense to me.


Update. I had to pee and I was hot so I just came home and he is not here....
Not quite sure what that means

jennyhatt

I agree with everyone else's responses.
Based solely on the information you have given, because we all know there is more to a story, I would suggest leaving and going back to your family. I cannot imagine how difficult it is to leave a marriage, let alone doing so pregnant, but if he is so willing to throw around "divorce" over something so small, when you are working shift to support him and HIS kid- I'd say you are better off without his ungrateful ass.

jessytaddeo

My step sons mom is a total deadbeat and is in a homeless shelter somewhere in Maine and we are in Florida.
My step son means the world to me and I could never up and leave HIM, I am the only mom he really has ever consistently known.

I don't even know if my parents would support my decision if I chose to come back--- one of those, you've made your grave now lie in it.

jessytaddeo

We have been to couples counseling in the past and we both learned a lot from it.... I hope I can find someone here

Maebb

I'm sorry you're going through this.

One of my mentors sometimes uses the phrase, "the issue is not the issue," and I think probably your H had some underlying frustrations about the pregnancy, and this is just an overreaction about a specific thing.

My H is fairly involved in the pregnancy ("It's my baby too"), and he would be hurt if I got an ultrasound without inviting him to also be there, but I don't think it would be divorce-worthy unless there were a lot of other issues.

Is he open to counseling? Do you want to stay married to him? I don't know you and don't know your relationship, but from your post, it sounds like he could be abusive. Why have you had to isolate yourself from your friends and family? Do you have any friends, family, a church, or anyone else you could talk to or stay with while you figure things out? Please take care of yourself and know that there are options if this relationship is not a healthy one.

YaMrWhite

Well....I really hope he feels foolish for his reaction once he settles down. That is just absolutely silly. Sorry you have to deal with that kind of behavior from a grown man.

dukemeli

Your husband sounds like he's being very irrational. He definitely needs to talk to someone before the baby gets here.

There is one part of the story that doesn't make sense though. If the BM is in Maine, why are you in FL? If your H isn't working, what's keeping you there? Also, did you both make the decision for him to be a SAHD or did he he make the unilateral decision not to work anymore?

Stargirlb

this has the red flags of an emotionally abusive relationship, (which can often turn physical eventually,) and you need to get some support right now and figure out what steps you can take to get away from that situation as soon as you can. It took me over a year to leave my ex from the point I realized he was abusive, so I understand its not always easy. Sorry you are going through this  

jessytaddeo

dukemeli said:

Your husband sounds like he's being very irrational. He definitely needs to talk to someone before the baby gets here.

There is one part of the story that doesn't make sense though. If the BM is in Maine, why are you in FL? If your H isn't working, what's keeping you there? Also, did you both make the decision for him to be a SAHD or did he he make the unilateral decision not to work anymore?

Long story, the BM abandoned my step son to be with her (drug dealer) husband...... We moved to Florida a year ago for a new opportunity. My husband has sole legal and physical custody of his son due to BM's "issues"

I do feel also my husband is being irrational.
I just got off the phone with him... He says I don't ever take his feelings into consideration and that for once I should put him on a pedestal..... And that my "scumbag" parents do nothing for us and his parents do everything for us, which is mostly true except the scumbag part, and now he is afraid I will want to take "his daughter" on a plane to see my parents....

I told him I didn't see why that would be a problem, but he thinks since his parents are going to fly down to see their grandchild then mine should too.

Ugh it's so complicated and confusing.

My husband said "we really need to think about the future of this family"

I feel like no matter what I say is wrong. I feel like no matter what I do is wrong....
Plus being pregnant makes things extra emotional I think

jessytaddeo

Oh. And the whole SAHD thing started as a mutual decision the summer after first grade. DH was working long hours and I was working 5 overnights a week, and it was just too exhausting for me.... But then there was , once he's back in school blah blah blah once we move to florida blah blah now 2 summers in Florida have gone by... He worked some crappy ass job and made no joke $75 in like 5 WEEKS of "work" (selling time share tours to tourists for commission) and he has promised me again and again and I've been begging him to get a job, at least until the baby gets here and then I go back to work then I'm fine with him being a stay at home dad again but we need money NOW. We are maxing out our credit cards and living above our means and I'm about to go 2 months on only 60%of my pay and we are going to be screwed but he says "it will all work out"
And my step son just started 4th grade

Stargirlb

oh no What a shitty situation. 

BookitBoo

Since you've spoken with him: His response is very irrational and I think it's past the point of counseling if he thinks that he is justified in anyway. I would talk to a lawyer about your options.

sanbry

It seems like he's having a lot of underlying issues with other things like other posters have said, but it's no excuse. Won't touch your belly? Isolating you from family? These things can escalate. A lot of abuse starts when women are pregnant. If he won't see a therapist and get over his issues I'd say it's time for a change. You shouldn't have to work your butt off while pregnant for someone to treat you with no respect and say hurtful over the top things to you.

Jellybean707

Your husband's reaction was messed up but I will play devil's advocate and defend him just a little bit.

When you have had a failed relationship in the past and then you move on to a new parnter anything that your new partner does that is even remotely like the old one can be very triggering. It can cause people to get very emotional and not act like themselves. Especially when the ex is an extra speical sack of crap with a ton of issues.

For example: My exDH was very lazy and often using drugs instead of contributing to our household. I felt very alone and helpless in the situation. Whenever my current wonderful non-drug using DH acts a bit lazy I get super triggered and feel helpless and alone again. I have to watch my reactions because they have nothing to do with my DH and are often blown way out of proportion. Not my proudest moment, but I've said "I'm not doing this again, I'd rather be divorced and alone" It was WAY out of proportion to the situation and really was MY issue not my DH's.

It took a lot of communication and the help of a counselor to realize that my current partner is not my ex partner. That I cant hang the hurt my ex left me with on my current spouse.

Assuming this is a relationship you want and that he is willing to do the work to get better, I would reccomend open communication and help of a counselor to get through this. Bug hugs to you and your husband to get through this.

SheHulk723

First off, sending hugs your way!  He's definitely being irrational and overreacting.  Perhaps though, he's actually feeling hurt and feeling like he missed out on something?  I definitely don't think you're wrong in any way for sneaking a peek, I just think maybe him asking for a divorce was an outburst stemming from hurt.  Whether or not he meant it, I don't know.  I dated a guy once who would have outbursts like that, and just threaten me with the worst possible thing he could come up with whenever he felt hurt.  I think it's a sign of immaturity.  Now it comes down to what you want.  If you want to be done with him, then go for it.  If you want to try working things out then you can try that too.  You're smart to take some time away from the situation.  

And just a heads up, if a hotel has extra rooms they should let you check in early!  I used to work night audit at a Marriott and as long as we had a room and it was morning-ish time, like after 4 or 5am, I would check them in for a room for that day and night.  

Really hoping things get better for you!

misslizzy82

 And if BM is homeless he's obviously not getting child support from her so how can he afford to be a SAHD other than you working overtime to feed, house and clothe, him and his child?

rachel+family

This man is going to raise your children... Look at how he treats you. Would you really want that? Take the divorce! Prayers for you during this hard time. Be brave for you and your baby

SheHulk723

Also wanted to add, not sure what part of FL you're in, but you can search for places like Suncoast Center.  They're in FL and offer a wide range of family services, including counseling, based on a sliding scale, so you pay based on your income.

Taybearstare

I agree with a lot of the ladies that this is a big fat red flag. There is something else going on. I would seek legal  and see about your rights as far as staying in your stepsons life. I say this especially since your the only one working and depending on where you live in the country ,he can actually get spousal support from you! My ex tried it, fortunately he did have a job i just made more. I sincerely hope it doesn't get to that point. This situation would be hard on its own, but the fact that your pregnant makes it tougher. Hang in there.

Roxycc55

So many red flags. I do have to agree with whoever said you don't want him to treat your daughter the way he is treating you. If nothing else that should be the reason to leave. I know it's much easier said than done, but he sounds awful. I'm sorry.

LaBellaVida

This post is very strange to me. Huge red flags everywhere here, even with the minimal info OP provided.
If this were me, I'd say, see ya!
He wants a divorce, so be it.
I'd call your family, reconcile with them, try and get a nursing job back home and move.

If he's been unemployed for so long, what was his reasoning to even move to Florida? It's not like he moved for a job.

If he's been saying he's gonna get a job, promise, promise and hasn't done so yet in a few years, it's all an excuse to get you off his back.
He is probably just along for the ride and is enjoying being taken care of.

I 100% agree with Stargirlb, this is red flags for abuse! Verbal, emotional, mental, and possibly physical.

His reaction was over kill to say the least.

I wouldn't tolerate his behavior.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

melmarie4

Your husband's reaction does not sound fair at all. As long as he gets to go to your regular ultrasound appts, this extra one is not a big deal. In fact he should have been excited for you that you got an extra opportunity to see the baby, not jealous. This took nothing away from him. He really sounds ungrateful. You're working hard to support the family, he should be more loving and appreciative of you. Threatening to divorce someone(even if it's just a threat and not something someone is seriously considering) is pretty cruel when you're pregnant. 

Why did you move to Florida? As the sole breadwinner, you should have more say than your husband on where you're living and working. Obviously you should take his feelings into consideration, but if he doesn't have a good reason for why you need to live in Florida and you'd prefer to live where your family and support system are, you should really considering moving back home. I would think your job as a nurse would enable you to get a job pretty much anywhere, so there's no reason to stay somewhere where you feel isolated and alone. I know you feel that your parents won't support you moving home, but if I were you I would let them know the situation and how you're feeling. They might surprise you.

It definitely seems like a red flag that he said you can't take the baby to visit your parents. Maybe the point he is trying to make is that your parents don't care enough to visit, but it really isn't his decision to make. He shouldn't be discouraging your relationship with your parents. He should let you make your own decisions and support you with whatever you decide. 

If you've been struggling financially, he should have gotten a job a long time ago, especially with a new baby on the way. Counseling can be a great resource, but I think you should consider whether this is a relationship worth saving. It sounds like there is emotional abuse involved and that won't be an easy situation to fix. I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do. Please don't let him make you feel bad about yourself. Focus on keeping the baby safe, and avoiding as much stress as possible.

Disneygeek77

Please please read this.  It is a list of the signs of a person with an abusive personality

https://www.northwestern.edu/womenscenter/issues-information/relationship-violence/warning-signs-abusive-person.html

In what little you have posted, there are already several red flags such as hypersensitivity, controlling behavior, blaming others for problems, isolation from friends and family, blaming others for their feelings, unrealistic expectations, rigid gender roles ( like wanting you to put him on a pedestal) 

You obviously know this isn't right.  Please talk to an individual counselor about your future because this is no way to raise a family.  

shellybean3788

RUN, 

don't walk, 

to the courthouse and give that man what he's asking for. My guess, he'll come crawling to you begging for forgiveness once he realizes a divorce means he'll have to get a job to support himself and his son. 

danakatiepfoltzer

ICarriedAWatermelon said:

I haven't read the other responses yet, but...

you seem to be focused on the ultrasound as the cause for his reaction. I really, really doubt it was. I think this was going to happen anyway, and he's just blowing up over something stupid. No one calls for divorce because their spouse peeked with an ultrasound at work.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

This.

Definitely some underlying issues going on. Anyone who isolates you from family is def red flags. I think you need to seriously evaluate what's best for you.... Even if it's just starting over on your own closer to family (whether they accept you back right away or not). I'm so sorry

Samuelismomma

Moving you away from family, being an accuser, threatening divorce. He is your classic psychological abuser! Run don't walk from him back to your family!!.....went thru that song and dance with my ex! He is not worth it and he won't change! Call your family for help...

LaBellaVida

I'm nosey. I wish OP would come back to answer some questions.

Why did he move you guys to Florida, if he had no job? New start to what?
Do you even speak to your parents? Why don't they like him?
Why does he feel he needs to be put up on a pedestal? What has he done to deserve that?
Where did he go this morning? Is he home yet? Have You guys talked more? Does he still want a divorce over a lousy ultrasound?

I'll be surprised if OP comes back.

Disneygeek77

I reread this post and I wonder if something else is going on.  The extreme over reaction, asking for a divorce, not being there in the morning, acting like he deserves to be treated better ( and I have never heard a man say he deserves to be put on a pedastal), I wonder if he is having an affair.  

I mean I could be wrong, but I have heard that when someone over reacts like this and asks for a divorce that is usually a sign of a guilty conscience looking to justify their behavior.   Plus with the fact that he wasn't there today, I wonder if he is with his affair partner.  

Again, I could be wrong and I'm not saying he isn't an abusive a-hole too, but it seems like he was just looking for a reason to walk out.