How did you decide to become a SAHM or go back to work?

howin23 · August 2014

I'm definitely going to work, but am having trouble deciding whether to continue to pursue a "high-powered career" or take a position with more reasonable hours. In my last job I traveled 4 days a week and worked 70-90 hours a week, and then I just finished an MBA so am now looking for a new job. My debate is whether to take a more intense, considerably better paying job that requires some travel (one week a month), more hours (maybe 55) and an hour commute each way, or take an easier job with no travel and a short commute. The better paying job would enable us to do a nanny-share instead of daycare.

Even though I suppose I could be a SAHM, there are four reasons I won't:
1) We'd have to dramatically change our lifestyle due to the financial hit (I make the same as my husband)
2) I think the extra money will have a big impact on our children, particularly in terms of saving up for their education
3) I am type A, very ambitious, and if I don't have my career to funnel that ambition into, I'll impose it on my children, which I don't think is fair to them. I don't want to be like the mom in the Alanis Morissette song "Perfect"
4) I'll be more interesting to my husband if I have more to talk about than what the kids did all day

PennyLane26 · August 2014

It was a no brainer for us. We could afford for me to be a SAHM, so that's what I am!

I do work from home 20+ hours a week, usually when DD is sleeping. It's amazing! I do miss my colleagues and my daily routine and independence (I was a first grade teacher) but I would be sad to miss the milestones I've been home to witness with my girl. I really do cherish every moment, even when those moments include tantrums in the grocery store like this morning! Grrr.

It's not for everyone, I am very social so it's important for me to get out every.single.day.

If part time work is an option for you, that might be a great middle ground! I do work part time, but remotely, so the only real benefit is the paycheck (albeit small!).

dr_pr · August 2014

Going back to work was a no-brainer for me. DD was born in February, and I took spring and summer semesters off after she was born and stayed home with her (it worked out to be about 7 months). And I hated it. I was no good at coming up with a schedule for myself and DD to keep us both entertained, so most days we just sat around doing nothing. It was terrible. Plus, I teach college, so trying to "educate" a newborn was completely foreign to me. I never had any idea if what I was doing was age appropriate or not, and I felt like some days I was pushing her too hard, and other days I wasn't doing enough. When H would get home in the evenings, I would basically hand her off and go to the bedroom for a bit to decompress (this was completely unfair to him, since he'd just been working all day). I was always grumpy and irritable, and those feelings didn't go away until I went back to work.

I feel terrible for admitting this, but most days I can't wait to drop her off at daycare. She loves her teachers and her daycare friends, and she has so much more fun there than she would with me at home (because I am horrible at coming up with things for her to do). We have a great bond (she's a total momma's girl), and I really think that's because my time with her is so short that I really make an effort when we're together to make our time quality. But if she were at home with me, I would likely resent her and we just wouldn't be as close because she'd pick up on that.

For the record, I plan on staying home with Artoo for about the same amount of time that I stayed home with DD (November to June). However, DD will be mostly in daycare during that time. I am totally blessed that H makes enough money that we can afford to do that without much impact on our finances, and I feel like that's a good compromise. Because if H had his way, I'd be a SAHM to both kids. He knows that's not an option for my mental health, though, so he doesn't push it.

So long story short, I think you'll figure it out pretty quickly on maternity leave if you are cut out to SAH or not. And I firmly believe that some women (and men) are built to be SAH parents while others are just not. And there's nothing wrong with either decision, as long as you and your partner are happy.

carafern · August 2014

What a great discussion you've started @missnacholover!

Like @lizgrace03, I'm a doctoral student and consequently in a strange position where I can sort of work part-time/flexibly. To complicate matters, we recently moved away from my university so my work will consist of remote grading for the most part, and my own research and writing. I'm hoping not to fall into SAHMhood by default… (I've often considered quitting my phd program, so that's a possibility). Still, I don't think it SAH is for me. I'm open to that changing when I fall in love with Butternut (DH makes enough for me to do it), but I doubt it.

Also this seems to be an UO, but DH and I both work from home (this will change soonish) and we like it. We've had 24/7 togetherness (for the most part) for the past three years and it has been pretty lovely. I think this would be very different with a LO, though.

momtojad · August 2014

My husband is a sahd so the decision was made

MrsLillyG · August 2014

We could afford to have me stay at home but having the extras would be tough. I would like to pay for my kids college education, have a healthy retirement fund and would like to go on vacations. I would go stir crazy at home and feel like a free loader by not bringing in any money. I think I will feel more accomplished working than being a sahm. I would not want to rely on one income, things happen.

sAAmFam · August 2014

I would completely go nuts if I had to stay home with my kids. I do during the summer and go to work when my husband gets home. I thought I was going to kill them. Babies are one thing but 2, 10 yr olds and. 7 yr old was driving me nuts! I work about 30 hr a week. Sometimes less. If school is delayed or canceled I can wait to go to work. I have a flexible job. This baby my husband is going to seconds and I'm staying on 1st shift. Sucks but that's what we have to do. I don't like babysitters. I trust very few with my children.

kjmommy1214 · August 2014

I had been working a pt job while we were TTC DD. We discussed a budget and decided that we liked having me home with SD. It was tight until we moved closer to his job (now only 6 blocks away). We made sacrifices, but none of those came close to comparing to our ultimate of me being home with the kids. We decided that for us vacations, expensive things, and giant gift lists aren't needed. They aren't what makes us happy.

I will say that staying at home is not everyone. I LOVE it and will not being going back to work until the kids have all started school. There are days that I want to pull my hair out because DD is being, well, herself. However, those days are few and far between.

For DH and I, the most important thing about me being a SAHM is the support that it allows me to provide support for our children. We are able to open enroll SD into the school district of our choice (I drive her every day). I have to time to devote to her school work and making extra activities, flashcards, games, etc. for the areas that she is struggling in. As for DD, she is my hip attachment. We do a mommy/Kennedy date every Friday before meeting DH for lunch. We also do storytime (almost) every week. We will be starting tumbling at open gymnastics soon. When LO arrives, she will be joining DD and I.

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