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November 2014 Moms
missnacholover
member
Options
How did you decide to become a SAHM or go back to work?
missnacholover
member
This has been the discussion in Casa de Nacho.
Financially, we can afford for me to stay home. We'd have to buy a smaller house and be more conscious of our spending, but luckily DH makes a very good salary so it'd be do-able. Vacations may go from something like Disney cruises to renting a cottage at the beach for a week. We may not always have new(er) cars. Paying off debt (including my student loan) would take a little longer. Stuff like that. We'd have to make sacrifices, which every family does.
I am very torn about what to do. I like my job and I like working. But the thought of coming back to work is almost like a gut punch. But then the thought of being a SAHM isn't 100% clear either. What if I hate it? What if I threw away my decently-paying, very flexible, casual workplace job for something I am not cut out to do?
For those that became a SAHM without returning to work, what lead you to the decision? Right now the plan is for me to proceed as if I'm coming back to work and if after a month or so of Maternity Leave I know I want to stay home, I will. Unfortunately I need to make the decision sooner into my anticipated Mat leave rather than later since we hope to put an offer on a house sometime in December. I am hoping and praying that I just "know".
Also, DH works from home. Granted, he's pretty much locked in his office all day, but I worry that me and the baby being around and in his face would be stressful? I think it's good for couples to not be together 24/7. He's not worried about that all that much and says that we'd just have to make sure baby and I are active doing mommy and me classes, going to the Y, play groups, etc.
Anyway, verbal vomit. Anyone have any thoughts/advice/tips? I am so grateful that this is even an issue and that we have options.
Financially, we can afford for me to stay home. We'd have to buy a smaller house and be more conscious of our spending, but luckily DH makes a very good salary so it'd be do-able. Vacations may go from something like Disney cruises to renting a cottage at the beach for a week. We may not always have new(er) cars. Paying off debt (including my student loan) would take a little longer. Stuff like that. We'd have to make sacrifices, which every family does.
I am very torn about what to do. I like my job and I like working. But the thought of coming back to work is almost like a gut punch. But then the thought of being a SAHM isn't 100% clear either. What if I hate it? What if I threw away my decently-paying, very flexible, casual workplace job for something I am not cut out to do?
For those that became a SAHM without returning to work, what lead you to the decision? Right now the plan is for me to proceed as if I'm coming back to work and if after a month or so of Maternity Leave I know I want to stay home, I will. Unfortunately I need to make the decision sooner into my anticipated Mat leave rather than later since we hope to put an offer on a house sometime in December. I am hoping and praying that I just "know".
Also, DH works from home. Granted, he's pretty much locked in his office all day, but I worry that me and the baby being around and in his face would be stressful? I think it's good for couples to not be together 24/7. He's not worried about that all that much and says that we'd just have to make sure baby and I are active doing mommy and me classes, going to the Y, play groups, etc.
Anyway, verbal vomit. Anyone have any thoughts/advice/tips? I am so grateful that this is even an issue and that we have options.
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This discussion has been closed.
Re: How did you decide to become a SAHM or go back to work?
For me, I never in a million years thought I would want to be a SAHM, I love my job and am very happy. But as soon as DD was about 2 months old it hit me and I realized I wanted more than anything to be a SAHM! It was/ is very difficult for me to come to work and leave her each day but thankfully my MIL comes to the house to take care of her!
I would say that you will "know" within the first month or so.
Good luck!!
I don't have this option either as we need my salary, but...is it a field you can get back into easily if you did not like being a SAHM? Is going back part time an option?
___________________________________________________________________________
Trying for #1 since May 2010 l DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011
IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks
November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!
Beta #1 9dp5dt = 116, P4 = 28 ~ Beta #2 13dp5dt = 700 ~ Beta #3 20dp5dt = 9500, P4 = 26
1st u/s 12/27 - hb of 156!! EDD 8.10.12
**TEAM GREEN!**
Sweet baby boy born 8.18.12
Trying for #2
FET #1 - October '13 - c/p l FET #2 - December '13 - cancelled
l FET #2.2 - 1.30.14 - BFN
~ More testing - hysteroscopy, endometrial biopsy & more b/w - all normal / negative~
Surprise BFP while waiting on FET #3 ~ beta #1 500; beta #2 1600; first u/s 4/3 - measuring 5w5d, no hb yet!; 2nd u/s 4/10 - hb 132, measuring 6w6d - EDD 11.29.14
**TEAM GREEN!**
Beautiful baby girl born 11.24.14
Had DS last April and was SO torn at the end of summer. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving DS at just 4.5 months. I ended up going back to work part time (4 hours a day), and I just didn't feel as fulfilled.
This summer I've been home with DS and DH (also a teacher) and I have loved every second of it. I will be staying home this school year and probably next as well. I will eventually go back to the classroom, but for now, watching my kids learn and grow is more important to me
Hope this helps! Sorry for the novel!
my happy boy
It sucks that the US doesn't give a year of leave, I would have really been debating staying home or not if I hadn't had the entire year off.
N14 November Siggy Challenge - Celebration
@ccam - my industry is kind of techy, so I think if I was a SAHM by the time (hopeful) kid #2 went to school, I'd be out of the loop for 8-9ish years (assuming all goes well with our "Plan". Ha.). I think it may be kind of difficult to jump back in to a job at my current level/skillset. I was laid off for a year in 2009 and I only recently started back at the same skill and salary level a year ago.
I really want to see if PT is an option but don't know how to broach that with my supervisor. AND, it'd almost be a wash with daycare costs.
Adulthood is hard, man.
*curses our house & farm payment*
BFP#4 3/17/14 - rainbow Baby BOY arrived 11/10/14 !!
DX: Uterine Septum - Resection 9/5/13 || MTHFR Hetero A1298C || My Chart
I just get totally overwhelmed by the thought of working full time and being a mommy. I seriously don't know how women do it.
This question baffles me, too. For one thing, if you can still pay your bills while staying at home, whose to say that is "affording" life? I believe technically I can 'afford' to stay home, but things would be tight. Like OP said, vacations to Disney and Europe (where hubby's family lives) may be impossible then.
Honest to goodness, our biggest expense is retirement. We literally put in at least 40% of our income each month into retirement. Our thought is... "God only knows who will help us when we are old people and can't work anymore." I don't know that the US gov't will have enough money to take care for those of us who don't have pensions to rely on. That is my biggest fear -- we are all stepping into new territory where the large majority won't have pensions. What are all we old people going to do in 2050 when we are too old to work and haven't saved enough for retirement?! I am a semi-rare millennial that obsesses over retirement, so I feel like that should be stated.
So anyway, if I don't work, less money will go into retirement and that scares me and hubby. This baby will be my first, so I'm going to try working full time after maternity leave. If I feel uncomfortable about it, then we'll need to re-evaluate vacations and retirement. I am very fortunate to have a consulting job where my hours are flexible, and often from home so I keep reminding myself of that. Also, I'd like to note that I do enjoy my career and feel proud at how far I've come along. It's exciting to think about staying in the field while having a family to progress my career.
Anyone else worry about retirement? I so feel like a minority on the topic...
@FhSTAR81 - Oh yeah, we've talked about this. I've told him that even if I'm a SAHM, it's not going to all be on me and I will need "me" time - whether that's going to the gym, mani/pedis, girls night's. He gets it.
This is up in the air right now. I've always worked and the thought of me staying home is actually terrifying. I wish I knew one way or the other so I had time to prepare myself!
I'm obviously no help...just equally freaking out. GOOD LUCK!
It is hard!
It would probably suck that it would be almost a wash with daycare, but it would keep you connected to your job/career and would allow you to, most likely, jump back in full time if you needed/wanted. And daycare isn't forever and, for us at least, it goes down once our LOs hit 3 and we get a discount for #2.
___________________________________________________________________________
Trying for #1 since May 2010 l DX ~ Unexplained Infertility June 2011
IUI #1&2 = BFN; IUI #3 = BFP, m/c @ 6 weeks
November '11 ~ IVF#1 ~ ER 11/18 (29R, 17F) ~ 5dt of one beautiful blast on 11/23 = BFP!!
Beta #1 9dp5dt = 116, P4 = 28 ~ Beta #2 13dp5dt = 700 ~ Beta #3 20dp5dt = 9500, P4 = 26
1st u/s 12/27 - hb of 156!! EDD 8.10.12
**TEAM GREEN!**
Sweet baby boy born 8.18.12
Trying for #2
FET #1 - October '13 - c/p l FET #2 - December '13 - cancelled
l FET #2.2 - 1.30.14 - BFN
~ More testing - hysteroscopy, endometrial biopsy & more b/w - all normal / negative~
Surprise BFP while waiting on FET #3 ~ beta #1 500; beta #2 1600; first u/s 4/3 - measuring 5w5d, no hb yet!; 2nd u/s 4/10 - hb 132, measuring 6w6d - EDD 11.29.14
**TEAM GREEN!**
Beautiful baby girl born 11.24.14
While I will say that I would LOVE nothing more than to be a SAHM, I have to admit that even if I had the choice, I might not take it.
I know financially right now, its not feasible. I will be coming back to work full time.
However.......in saying that.......even if we could afford to do it, I am not sure I would like doing it. I grew up on a dairy farm, started milking cows when I was 10, and got a "real" job as soon as I turned 18. I have worked for the same company ever since. I am now a supervisor and get paid salary. Not sure I could handle being home all day, every day.
I think if DH worked from home, it would be even harder. Its hard to live with people. If we both take a week off together and don't go anywhere, we are usually ready to kill each other by the end of the week.
I also like not feeling guilty for spending "his" money when I want to splurge on something silly. I have a small amount of each check that goes into my own personal account. I can use this money for whatever I want, and there isn't a damn thing he can say, feel, or think about it.....lol.
Right now, we both work our asses off for what we have. I have always been an independent person that can "take care of myself".......really not sure if I could mentally handle being a SAHM.
It sounds like the most awesomest thing ever....but I totally understand your hesitation.
Nov. '14 January Siggy : Work Sucks!
Me 32-DH 38
Married July 14, 2007 ----- TTC # 1 October 1, 2013
BFP March 7, 2014 ----- EDD November 17, 2014 ---- Baby boy born November 16, 2014
Soooo, for me I've never really seriously considered staying home. But I am working with my job to move to 4 days a week which I think will give me a taste of both worlds-more time with baby but I still have the outlet and the paycheck.
What do you do for work?
- I work in a small, professional field, and I would have trouble getting a job in my field again. I couldn't just take a few years off - it could be 10 years before I found a good job again in my city.
- I have a pension at my job, and I'm not yet vested in it. I'm in my late 30s, and saving for retirement is important to me. I don't want to lose out on my pension, and if I stick with this employer, our retirement will be a lot easier (and we hopefully will be better able to help out our sons as young adults).
- I like my field (and for the most part, my job). I like to work, and I need the fulfillment that comes from it.
- Working gives us more disposable income so we don't have to worry about every single penny and we can send the kids to private school, which is important to us. .
- I think my relationship with DH would suffer if I didn't work - I think he would resent me for not pulling my weight with money and I would resent that he got the fulfillment of working when I was at home all day.
- DH currently works from home, so that would be too much togetherness for us. We managed during maternity leave - it was kind of nice, but in the long term, we need our space.
Ideally, I would love to work 4 days a week, but still send DS to daycare 5 days. I would use that day off to run all errands, clean the house, and do everything that is impossible to do with a toddler around. That way, on the weekends, I could focus on having fun with DS rather than trying to do fun things with him and do a week's worth of chores in just two days (and usually only during his naptime).
@mb314 - one good thing is that I can work 4 10s (which I currently do). However, I'm not sure how that would work with BF a baby in the mornings, I'm not willing to get up any earlier than I have to. But my job is flexible so I could work 4 9s and a half day on Fridays. So that is good.
DH and I have discussed that if I do go back to work, we will definitely get a cleaning person. So that is good. I mean, we'll have day to day chores, but at least I/we won't have to do the major weekend clean and can focus on family time.
@KUinCBUS - thank you for the honest answer! I feel like I'd feel similar that some days would get very tedious. I could probably freelance, but that would involve getting the software (I do Geographic Info Systems), which is $$$$ for the highest level license.
And this might sound mercenary, but we also hope to get another kid out of my current health benefits. I pay practically nothing for our insurance, so that's a big plus. And it would hopeful only be another year or so of work as we want to start trying again when this little man turns one.
That being said, if I'm back at work for a while and find it too hard to do, DH is open to letting me stay home. I'd like to work part time or on a freelance basis, but haven't figured out how to do that yet.
Also, alot of mortgage compaines/banks require you to have a job for your name to be on the loan papers.
@WildFlower810 FI is also an ASL interpreter. \m/ I know how tough it is to build up the skills for this career, the physical strains and then face the possibility of losing skills if you don't use it plus maintain state/national certifications too! I hope that you can at least maintain your skills at some point if you decide to SAH. Lucky thing about interpreting - if skills/certification are maintained, you can easily get back in the workforce in a variety of settings if SAH doesn't work out.
My decision was easy: I can't imagine a life without the independence of leaving my house and working with adults every day. Plus I make significantly more money than DH and while it would be possible, it would not be comfortable to make that move.
At the time we lived 14hrs and 10hrs away from family and I wasnt happy with my position. DH and I made roughly the same amount and were living of his salary and about 1/3 of mine. The other 2/3 of my salary was paying off my student loans and going into savings. I ended up going back to work 3 months while DH looked for a better paying job closer to our families.
After we moved back home I stayed at home from when DS was 6 months till he was 16 months. I enjoyed it at first but after about 6 months I realized my first instinct was right and it was just not in my nature. I needed that professional aspect to feel like I was whole.
I was really picky about what types of firms I applued to when returning to work and am much happier now with my work-family balance. I was super fortunate to find an extremely family friendly firm that valued what I brought to the table and now I am technically the bread winner in our family.
That being said now that we will have 2 children we have started to re-evaluate my time spent working outside of the home. My husband is now at the point in his career where he is looking to move into the supervisor position so he will be looking to make another career move this winter (his profeasion tends to only hire Oct-March). If he finds something that surpasses my salary, I will not return to work but will do consulting so that I can pick and choose how much time I spend working and what projects I take on. If he does not find anything this winter I will return to my current position but scale back to 4 days a week and 32hrs.
All that was a long winded way to say you might still not know 100% one way or the other even during your maternity leave or you may make one choice and decide later down the road it wasn't what you thought it would be and thats okay too.
All that to say, everyone is different. With DH's new job he took in June, his salary got bumped by 30%. He told me I could do whatever I wanted with regard to school and work, and I ultimately decided that I want to stay plugged in to my research and to campus as much as I can. I'm happier that way.
Did y'all decide if you are staying in the Raleigh area or moving to OBX? I may have missed this.
I think you'll know what you want to do after LO comes along, but I just wanted to add a SAHM caution. When you SAH you don't get some of the built-in fulfillment that comes from working a job/career: no deadlines to me, performance reviews To rock, client feedback to reinforce your worth. That doesn't mean staying home isn't fulfilling though. You'll need to find ways to reward yourself for the progress you make as a human. I think this makes the adjustment hard though.
Also, if you did SAH and freelance, could you write off the $$$$ software in your taxes? I suck at that sort of thing, so maybe I'm totally wrong, but I'd imagine you could.
Thank you all for the responses. It really is a tough decision. I am kind of of the mindset that there isn't a "wrong" answer here. It's just a matter of finding a balance between my happiness, LO's well being, and what works best for our family.
I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM, so we never planned for it. Once I had DD, I wished we had done things differently. I went back to work full-time for about 7 months. I just couldn't let go of wanting more time with DD. After being back at work for 7 months, I was lucky enough to go to a four day work schedule. I loved having one extra day with her. Once this little one gets here, I'm hoping to go to a three day work schedule.
I will make a little bit more than the cost of daycare, so DH thinks I should just stay home, but my argument is that 1. Money is money and if I'm making more than we are paying for daycare, it makes sense for me to work. 2. It's nice to have the adult interaction, be able to run errands on my lunch, get time away from the kid(s). And 3. I don't want to get out of my field entirely. I'm hoping that by the time the kids are in school, I would switch my schedule to 5 days a week, reduced hours so that I'm working the same amount, but I'll be able to drop off and pick up the kids. In my opinion, I have the best of both worlds, but everyone is different and our situation is what's best for our family.
If you decide to ask for PT @missnacholover, I would make up a proposal (in writing or not, depending on how professional your company is). Give them a run down of how you and your company will benefit from you going PT. My theory is, it doesn't hurt to ask. The worst they can do is say no. Good luck with whatever you decide!