Afraid and ashamed

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

@AJIrishMama‌ I posed not too long before you wrote your message. I wish this was just MUD

CandEChicago · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:
Some additional information that I did not add to my first post. The man I had a one night stand with is married with a child. I also contacted him when the dates were too close for comfort. My fiancé and I also own a house and have an older child together. Believe me I know coming clean is the best thing to do but I will be effecting so many people when I come clean. I don't want to break up my family and my one night stands family if this baby is my fiancé's. I seriously got my big wake up and smell the roses when the thought of my world could come crumbling down before me and would never do this EVER again. For those who commented about keeping paternity a secret, I am definitely getting a test done as soon as LO is born and would never keep that from my fiancé and trick him into raising a child that is not his. My dilemma was 1. How big of a possibility could this be the one night stands baby? 2. Even though honesty is the best policy, is worth coming clean to announce my guilt and regret and drag my fiancé to my misery for the rest of my pregnancy with the slim doubt this baby couldn't be his?

It takes two to tango. The one night stand has to deal with the fall out from his own actions.

Also by not telling your FI about the potential paternity issues that is still an issue for me since you are allowing him to bond and think that the baby is his.

JRod13 · August 2014

So you told the guy who you randomly slept with but not the guy you are building a life with? I'm REALLY trying hard not judge you, but it sounds like you're making excuses for not telling dude and wanting folks to tell you that coming clean isn't the best idea. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you knew ALL of this stuff before you decided to wander outside of your relationship and sleep with a married man. You knew other guy was married and had a kid. You knew you were raising a child and had a house with your SO. You knew that it could destroy your relationship if SO found out. You didn't know a baby would definitely result, but you knew that was a possibility. I get that what's done is done, but lady, you made your bed and it's time to lay in it.

CandEChicago · August 2014

JRod13 said:
So you told the guy who you randomly slept with but not the guy you are building a life with? I'm REALLY trying hard not judge you, but it sounds like you're making excuses for not telling dude and wanting folks to tell you that coming clean isn't the best idea. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you knew ALL of this stuff before you decided to wander outside of your relationship and sleep with a married man. You knew other guy was married and had a kid. You knew you were raising a child and had a house with your SO. You knew that it could destroy your relationship if SO found out. You didn't know a baby would definitely result, but you knew that was a possibility. I get that what's done is done, but lady, you made your bed and it's time to lay in it.

Yeah. I like the double standard on that too with regards to disclosing potential paternity issues.

JulieSC81 · August 2014

OP, @JRod13‌ nailed it with the answer. You knew exactly what the situation was and so did the MARRIED FATHER. You knew you had a kid in your home and a fiancé. No matter what excuses you come up with, who will be affected, or what other information you have...IT DOES NOT MATTER. You need to tell your fiancé. He will find out some how some way whether you tell him or not. Liars and secret keepers can only hide their tracks so long. You did the deed and its time to fess up and face the consequences. Maybe he will forgive you, maybe he wont. I hope the married man's wife finds out too. I hope none of this is covered up. Respect everyone enough to come clean. No amount of additional information will change anyone's mind here. There are not enough excuses to make lying and secrets justifiable. Fess up.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

@Anonymous1220 At this point I don't even think the paternity is the issue. The guy you slept with wore a condom and didn't ejaculate, the odds of him being the father are extremely slim. I believe the issue here is the foundation of your relationship. Sure you may have gotten your wake up call and realized you made a mistake, but it isn't fair to keep it from your fiance. He is living his life day to day thinking everything is great and has no idea that you were unfaithful. Take it from someone who has been cheated on, IT SUCKS. I'm not saying this to try and make you feel worse, I'm sure you're dealing with the guilt and shame, but your fiance deserves to hear it from you that you made a mistake. If it costs you your house and relationship, then that's the price you paid for sleeping with that married man. You made the decision, you need to suffer the consequences.

pregnantinstyle · August 2014

I want to be as nice as I can about this. If my Husband ever slept with someone and cheat and I found out she was pregnant I think that it would destroy us completely. I would probably lose all respect for him especially if I knew he tried to hide it from me. I think you should tell your fiancé. He deserves to know what you did even if it was just a mistake. Odds are the baby is his but the truth is he needs to be the one to decide that also. My husbands sides cousin had a similar situation where he was with his fiancé mind you he had been cheating without her knowing while she was pregnant with their second baby. Now this girl he was sleeping with just so happens to get pregnant that same year with his baby also. It's a horrible situation to be in and he will forever have to live with what he did. You can never go back on life but you could fir damn sure move forward. Learn from your mistakes and be the bigger person. He now fully supports both children and raised them but both sibling with separate mothers. Life isn't easy it never is but you really have to tell your fiancé instead of running from you problems you should face them. Don't live with that deep guilt because it will tear you apart inside. Good luck on everything.

beachy6 · August 2014

OP quit being a child. Every post you have written has a lot of "me, me, me" and some more "woe is me" in it. For example, "I" learned my lesson, "I" will never do it again, "I" don't want to hurt anyone (too late on that one anyway). It shows your level of maturity really.

It's time to realize that this is no longer about you. Your SO deserves better and you sound pretty selfish.

I'm not gonna sugar coat it for you, but you most likely ruined two relationships, yours and the guy you had a one night stand with. YOU did that. Quit whining and fix it. Probably not what you want to hear, but in the real world where everyone matters and not just yourself, that's what happens when you cheat on your SO. Put your big girl panties on.

For everyone saying that it's most likely not the one night stand's baby...as we all know condoms aren't 100%. Sperm also lives for MANY days. It could actually be either man's baby. Statistically speaking, there is a higher chance that it is the SO's, but certainly not 100%.

Can ya tell that I've been cheated on in the past and I have a particular dislike for dishonesty and lying?!

JulieSC81 · August 2014

@beachy6‌ ....i agree with you 100% and im sorry that you went through this. OP, there have been quite a few people giving advice who have been cheated on and/or lied to in various situations. We know what its like to be in your fiancé's shoes (cheated on and/or dishonesty) and we are recommending that you tell him. I cant even fathom any other option but complete honesty. Karma.....

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

It sounds like you really need to figure out why you were willing to cheat and why you trust this one night stand more than the man you are about to marry. Do you really love this guy? Do you really want him to raise your children? Then you've got to respect him and be honest with him. If this situation was reversed, how would you feel? The one night stand has serious issues with his own family that he needs to work out but that doesn't concern you. You have to focus on your own family. And as unlikely as it is that the baby is not your fiance's, we cannot be 100% sure and I think you need to focus on the bigger problem here. Even without a pregnancy, this issue really needs to be addressed before you marry this man.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I came clean and told my fiancé everything. He went out to gather his thoughts. Thank you for your comments. I know it was the right thing to do and I was just being a coward and didn't want to face the music. As someone else said, I made my bed and time to lay in it.

JRod13 · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:

Well, the cat's out of the bag. I came clean and told my fiancé everything. He went out to gather his thoughts. Thank you for your comments. I know it was the right thing to do and I was just being a coward and didn't want to face the music. As someone else said, I made my bed and time to lay in it.

I'm glad you told him. It was the right thing to do. I hope everything works out for you guys.

leoandethansmom · August 2014

@Anonymous1220 I'm glad to hear you came clean. I know I would have appreciated it in my situation. You guys seem to have quite a history so maybe he will clear his thoughts and y'all can work it out. Things will be rocky for a while I'm sure but it was the right thing to do.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

So far he's taking it better than I would have ever expected, which makes me feel like even worse of a person. Hoping we can grow past this. First step was owning up to my mistakes. Thank you everyone for giving me the push I needed, no turning back now.

LaxMOM44 · August 2014

I am impressed that you did the right thing. I hope you guys can work this out. For your baby's sake. I am quite sure it is likely your fiancés baby.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

The odds are it's his, but my dates are just way too close for comfort. I wish I could pee on a stick to tell me paternity and not make him worry now for the rest of my pregnancy if the baby is his. Ugh if I knew then what I know now!

LinziLoo09 · August 2014

OP, I'm so glad you came clean to him. It's the first step in healing for everyone. I would definitely suggest counseling to help work on the issues that lead to the cheating and that can help in your SOs healing. Best of luck to you both.

Meether · August 2014

I think you should hold off on telling him. Just accept that it is HIS baby for now, and don't worry about it. You have to do this. If you're going to continue to worry, then telling him would be best, but the outcome might not be what you want it to be.

Eora3 · August 2014

OP, you did the right thing. It takes bravery to admit to making a mistake and ask for forgiveness. I hope everything works out for you.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

I could sure use an adult beverage tonight!

allfalldown14 · August 2014

Yay for you doing the right thing! It was very brave of you. I cheated on my ass of an abusive husband(still regret that) and it sure sucks looking back. Hindsight is 20/20. It's not something I am proud of, but I say it to tell you you aren't alone. You can move past this as a couple or as coparents and raise a happy and healthy baby.

murphyame · August 2014

I think you knew what you had to do:( good luck.

feeshah · August 2014

I'm glad you came clean and he's taking it well right now. But FYI, he may be different when the "shock" wears off. He is going to go through a shit ton of emotions and that's when the real work begins. Good luck to you both.

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

@feeshah‌ Definitely not expecting to get let down that easy. Today itself has been a roller coaster of emotions. He actually said he could forgive me if I slept with someone else but not if the baby isn't his, which is understandable. Neither of us will have any closure until this paternity test is done at birth, which is a nice long way from now. All I can do is pray the results are in our favor. :-S

ColeyCannoli · August 2014

So impressed with your courage! Could not have been easy. Everyone screws up from time to time and it's over now. Definitely consider counseling. Even if he seems okay now, he'll go through some other feelings - especially while waiting for the baby. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

Thank you!

JCM285 · August 2014

That's a really tough situation OP. I havent found myself in that situation but just from experience of waiting to tell someone about something you feel guilty about in general (this happened more often when I was a teenager and did something wrong though), its almost always better to NOT WAIT. Get it over with ASAP. The longer you wait, the more disappointed your fiance will be with you. After all, you are not only going through planning a wedding but also a baby. This must be a really stressful time for both of you and you don't want anymore time to go by before you explain what happened. If I were you, I would catch him on a Friday after work so that if he is upset he doesn't have to worry about going to work the next day. Tell him that what you are going to explain to him must stay between him and you (no need for any third party opinions) and explain everything. He might yell or he might just leave because he doesn't want to talk to you. Either way, give him TIME and don't harass him about his feelings because that is a lot to process. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Remember that you have a responsibility to eat and rest for the sake of your baby. Good luck and I really hope it all works out for you.

JCM285 · August 2014

Thanks, @alissendis‌. I just finished reading now. Oops! You did the right thing OP!

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

Is anyone familiar with how paternity testings work after LO is born? Is my fiance allowed to wait until the results of the test before putting his name on the birth cert?

Annya26 · August 2014

I don't know how things work where you are, but when my son was born I waited for about a month to file for his birth certificate. I would imagine you could wait to file for it until the paternity test results come back? (and try to get it done ASAP of course).

Honestly though, I would imagine that the chances were INCREDIBLY slim that it would be the other man's baby. The ultrasounds are not 100% accurate and it's only a few days, so it would be easy for them to be off. Fingers crossed everything works out for you all!

JRod13 · August 2014

Anonymous1220 said:

Is anyone familiar with how paternity testings work after LO is born? Is my fiance allowed to wait until the results of the test before putting his name on the birth cert?

I'm pretty sure he can wait.

Bklm94 · August 2014

I want to point out that you need "baby juice" or a males sperm to become pregnant. If the guy had a condom on (that was unbroken) and he did not shoot any baby juice in you there is no way to be pregnant by him.

Bklm94 · August 2014

@chayshay1408 ‌ I just prefer to call it baby juice. I didn't mean there were two. I think it sounds less gross. But I agree with you.

JRod13 · August 2014

Bklm94 said:

@chayshay1408 ‌ I just prefer to call it baby juice. I didn't mean there were two. I think it sounds less gross. But I agree with you.

Science be damned.

Bklm94 · August 2014

@JRod13‌ Science is damned because I used baby juice instead of saying sperm? When in the original post it said "or males sperm"? I don't think so

JRod13 · August 2014

Hey- do you man. If you need to call it "baby juice" to not be grossed out, go for it. And the way it reads sounds like "baby juice" OR a male's sperm.

Bklm94 · August 2014

@JRod13‌ I figured everyone would just know they were the same. Next time I'll keep my comments to myself.

JRod13 · August 2014

All I'm gonna say

Anonymous1220 · August 2014

The one night stand did ejaculate from oral and washed up before putting a condom on for intercourse and then didn't finish. So knowing ejaculation happened some time that night haunts me. I have been analyzing the situation over and over again but nothing is ever 100%, unfortunately. And Just praying I did get pregnant 3 days later by my FI unprotected and karma just is playing huge mind games with me. If I got pregnant by my FI my EDD would be December 22nd. Two single days off from my ultrasound

Bklm94 · August 2014

@JRod13‌ I have a few choice words for you

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